Mil contacting my mum about me

[Eslteacher06]

I'll try and be brief and objective

I don't get on with my mil. Since having my eldest 5 years ago, I've felt like she doesn't respect my wishes when it comes to my kids and tries to undermine me. My biggest trigger is being ignored which gets me so angry I have been known to snap at her.

Examples over the years include coming out to "help" me put the washing on the line, but really it's to tell me I'm doing it wrong (?!). Or giving my DD juice to bed when I asked her not too. When it's brought up I get "oh it was just a little bit".

When we ask her to babysit, she Huff's and puffs. One time, I needed to take DD2 to a+e overnight when my husband worked away, and she really dragged her heels about looking after DD1. That really upset me

Last lockdown, she was not respecting the rules, and it was driving me mad. Ok, do your thing, but don't expect to come in my house or see me. She also has a drinking problem and was hospitalised last year. She tried to make out it wasn't through drink, but the doctor said otherwise. (She used to send me pissed up texts telling me that I hated her and stuff)

Anyhoo...last August, I had enough. The only thing DH and I argue about is her. He agrees with me many times, but won't tell her to back off unless it gets really bad. And he hates me telling him how bad his mum is.

I've really felt better not being around her, so imagine my surprise that she turns up unannounced on my birthday. I was getting ready upstairs and had no idea why she was there. I didn't want to see her (mainly because I've put on weight since lockdown and I know she will go back saying this to her family). So my husband spoke to her at the door. I found out later she had come to give me a birthday card with money in it. This was completely unexpected because I've not seen or spoken to her for 7 months. I told my husband to tell her thanks.

Imagine my surprise when I speak to my mum that mil had been in contact with her saying how hurt she was that I didn't come to the door?! This isn't the first time she has spoken about me to her.

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at her speaking to my own mother about me?

How shall I navigate this? I could be dead in a coffin and she'd still complain about me... I'm just tired of being discredited! It feels so unfair!

If you are to be NC, then you need your DH on board.

And that means he doesn’t report to you what she has said, drunk or not. He deals with the card. He deals with reminding her you are NC whilst organising pick ups from nursery, weekend visits with dcs etc....

So how is Mil to know you're NC when you're not in her company anyway because there's a pan dem ic?

@Triffid1

Why would you not come to the door or, at the very least, send her a message thanking her for the card and the gift?

She sounds annoying so don't blame you for struggling with her somewhat, but she doesn't sound to the levels that you should be NC with her and it seems churlish to not even acknowledge her making an effort.

This.

You have to realise people aren't perfect.
You could at least have come to the door.
She doesn't sound perfect but you sound like hard work.

@Eslteacher06

So you'd contact someone you've made clear you've gone no contact with? *@User135792468*

What is this No Contact business? What's the poor woman done, murdered someone?

One day you will likely have grandchildren of your own, you may even end up being a bit annoying like your MIL.
How would you like it if their spouses went no contact with you?
Hardly ever getting to see your grandcbdren
Ah but all that seems far away at the moment so that's ok.
Cruel.

@DollyMinx...There is this thing called a smart phone whereby you can ring and message people? It's really good. You should try it!

Plus my husband has told her. She's told my mum I'm not talking to her....so I know she is aware. Don't need to see people in a pan dem ic.

@likeamillpond if I upset someone unintentionally, I would make it my business to apologize and work on my delivery. Because I'm self aware like that. I don't go around to anyone that will listen and make out I'm an innocent bystander.

She basically starts a fire, and then walks away complaining she is hurt saying she had nothing to do with it, when she has the petrol can in her hand.

@AsterixGoesCamping...he does deal with her now and has got more irritated with her because I'm not a buffer/scapegoat anymore. It's quite comical really because he is experiencing what I have been through.

Good analogy. She starts the fire, then protests her innocence whilst still holding the can of petrol. Its toddler tantrum stuff. Very attention seeking.

[quote Eslteacher06]@DollyMinx...There is this thing called a smart phone whereby you can ring and message people? It's really good. You should try it!

Plus my husband has told her. She's told my mum I'm not talking to her....so I know she is aware. Don't need to see people in a pan dem ic.

@likeamillpond if I upset someone unintentionally, I would make it my business to apologize and work on my delivery. Because I'm self aware like that. I don't go around to anyone that will listen and make out I'm an innocent bystander.

She basically starts a fire, and then walks away complaining she is hurt saying she had nothing to do with it, when she has the petrol can in her hand.[/quote]
You should work on your shitty attitude op and give the poor
woman a break. It's plain it not all your MIL.

[quote Eslteacher06]@DollyMinx...There is this thing called a smart phone whereby you can ring and message people? It's really good. You should try it!

Plus my husband has told her. She's told my mum I'm not talking to her....so I know she is aware. Don't need to see people in a pan dem ic.

@likeamillpond if I upset someone unintentionally, I would make it my business to apologize and work on my delivery. Because I'm self aware like that. I don't go around to anyone that will listen and make out I'm an innocent bystander.

She basically starts a fire, and then walks away complaining she is hurt saying she had nothing to do with it, when she has the petrol can in her hand.[/quote]
You should work on your shitty attitude op and give the poor
woman a break. It's plain it not all your MIL.

@DollyMinx well if people RTFT, I wouldn't have a shitty attitude 🤷 you've not been full of love and light yourself lol.

I think you need to find peace with her running around town trashing you.

If you never, ever explain, defend yourself or justify anything you say or do or plan to do then eventually people will realise that she is obsessed with you and you are not thinking about her.

This is a very long term plan.

You could send the money back to her with a very direct polite note saying you didn't expect her to call round and you had planned to thank her for the money but then you were put on the back foot when she complained about you to your mother and you're back to square one again.

But it's probably better to do nothing.

''She basically starts a fire, and then walks away complaining she is hurt saying she had nothing to do with it, when she has the petrol can in her hand.''

Wow. This is a perfect way of describing it.

If you are no contact, and you mean it, send the money back and reiterate that.

You sound like a real charmer.
Kept the money though didn't you.
I feel sorry for your kids, husband and your MIL.

I understand this better than some can because in my family of origin, boundaries are forbidden. My mother doesn't understand boundaries at all and let herself in to my house, got angry and upset with me when I asked her not to. She told me about all the help she'd given me (which I hadn't wanted or asked for). She 'gave' a lot but it was never what I asked for. It was what she wanted to give and it was controlling. She thinks she owns me because of the things she's given me (that I never asked for).

It is exhausting like you say. And because it's drip, drip, drip, drip, drip ............ sometimes you just snap. I snapped at my mother about a year ago and she is waiting an apology from me. She's not getting it. I don't know how we can ever recover from this. I want to recover. She wants to get back to ''normal'' but she won't discuss any of the real issues.

In your shoes, I might think about sending a very short note.

''Thank you for the money. I would like to address something real now. I deserve more respect. I won't tolerate being undermined when it comes to my children in my home. I hope you have the wisdom to understand this is not asking for anything unusual. Stay safe''.

That might sound confrontational but it's so short. Things are already bad. She cannot fool herself that she is baffled by what's wrong with you if you send that.

Show it to your mother first!

This is what addicts do - lots of lots of bad behaviour, reliance on peoples good manners not to call them on their shit, then after a blow up, waiting a little while and expecting everything will be brushed under the table.

@Eslteacher06

Yes, she knows, but like her stints in hospital after having an accident while drunk (multiple fractures in her skull, aspiration pneumonia, black eyes from falling over), she brushes it under the carpet and makes out it's me who is the problem.

People's react here is exactly what she wants to hear. How dare I be so rude? However, I would never ever do that under normal circumstances. I didn't know that was her reason for coming over.

Why did you keep the money then if it’s so bad? You can expect to keep the cash and gifts ahe gives AND be so rude not to say thanks. I would expect someone who went nc to have the personal ethics to return the money and the card

I would expect someone who went nc to have the personal ethics to return the money and the card

MIL shouldn’t have given the money. It shows a lack of respect for OPs wishes, again. She’s done it to try to be back in control. OP has to actively do something to show again that she’s not interested or the MIL plays the victim again. It’s very manipulative and controlling behaviour.

Okay so she's a nightmare, she's rude, critical etc brain probably pickled with booze, but she is your DH's Mum, she obviously loves him, and he whilst acknowledging her faults feels love for her,
I had the worlds worst MIL, rude to my face, critical she disliked me so much that she never came to our wedding and prevented FIL from attending.
I developed a very thick skin and when she was being really rude I just let it go over my head and never reacted, still visited, bought Xmas presents etc in effect for the sake of family harmony I just ignored her bad behaviour, it made me feel very superior
I actually think you should be less sensitive, she really doesn't sound that bad, in fact she sounds a bit pathetic with her drinking, how about not caring quite so much about her treatment of you, lets face it she's not going to change, just make life easier for yourself and develop a thicker skin, and use some manners around her (thank you note!)

HazelBite

OP has made her decision and has said her life is now easier. She has her own boundaries which may be different to yours. She doesn’t have to put up with anything she doesn’t want to, even from her DHs mother.

Listen @Eslteacher06, if you'd started your post with the example that MIL had cut your toddler son's long golden curls without asking, everyone would be 100% on your side

Life is too short to spend time with someone who actively dislikes you.

@Babygotblueyes that's EXACTLY what happens!! Because her sons get angry at her drinking and she lays low for a few weeks, then it's like it never happened...I can't deal with that.

@GrumpyHoonMain...I don't want or need the money. But if I give it back, it creates more drama. I wish she hadn't given it me in the first place, or if she had at least told my DH she was coming round, so I could say it wasn't necessary. I'm amazed that some posters can't see that. I'm classed as the dragon.

But then I did post on here to canvass opinion.

@HazelBite I wish I could let it rise above me, but I just can't do it. I'm extremely honest, and it just goes against my nature to listen to bollocks and keep my mouth shut. She will say that's blunt and rude, others would say it's brave...

Ignore the bizarre replies, OP, on Mumsnet MILs can do no wrong, and are beyond criticism. Someone could start a thread saying their MIL had hired an assassin to kill them, and they'd still get loads of replies saying "you just don't like her, do you?" and "you sound like hard work."

Besides it's clear a lot of posters can't read. This thread is pretty ridiculous. I mean, come on:

OP: My MIL is an alcoholic, regularly gets pissed and sends abusive texts to me and lying texts about me to others, criticises everything I do, and undermines my parenting, eg giving my children drinks they're not allowed.

MN: God you hate her solely because she once gave your children juice???

When will people learn to fucking read.

So you'd contact someone you've made clear you've gone no contact with?

I dont accept cards and money from people ive gone no contact with. easy. I have some family members I do not wish to have a relationship with. They have brought gifts and money for me. It has been dropped back off with them. You say your birthday was a few weeks ago and you spoke to your mum yesterday. So you have had over a week to return the card or message telling her your intentions. Why would would pocket cash from someone you dislike? Thats sending mixed signals. Or if you were keeping it then you should say thank you.

However I think her going to your mum is out of order.

Really? You've gone nc with your husband's mother over that? You sound very OTT and quite rude; why didn't you at least say thank you for the card and money? So weird.