Mil contacting my mum about me

[Eslteacher06]

I'll try and be brief and objective

I don't get on with my mil. Since having my eldest 5 years ago, I've felt like she doesn't respect my wishes when it comes to my kids and tries to undermine me. My biggest trigger is being ignored which gets me so angry I have been known to snap at her.

Examples over the years include coming out to "help" me put the washing on the line, but really it's to tell me I'm doing it wrong (?!). Or giving my DD juice to bed when I asked her not too. When it's brought up I get "oh it was just a little bit".

When we ask her to babysit, she Huff's and puffs. One time, I needed to take DD2 to a+e overnight when my husband worked away, and she really dragged her heels about looking after DD1. That really upset me

Last lockdown, she was not respecting the rules, and it was driving me mad. Ok, do your thing, but don't expect to come in my house or see me. She also has a drinking problem and was hospitalised last year. She tried to make out it wasn't through drink, but the doctor said otherwise. (She used to send me pissed up texts telling me that I hated her and stuff)

Anyhoo...last August, I had enough. The only thing DH and I argue about is her. He agrees with me many times, but won't tell her to back off unless it gets really bad. And he hates me telling him how bad his mum is.

I've really felt better not being around her, so imagine my surprise that she turns up unannounced on my birthday. I was getting ready upstairs and had no idea why she was there. I didn't want to see her (mainly because I've put on weight since lockdown and I know she will go back saying this to her family). So my husband spoke to her at the door. I found out later she had come to give me a birthday card with money in it. This was completely unexpected because I've not seen or spoken to her for 7 months. I told my husband to tell her thanks.

Imagine my surprise when I speak to my mum that mil had been in contact with her saying how hurt she was that I didn't come to the door?! This isn't the first time she has spoken about me to her.

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at her speaking to my own mother about me?

How shall I navigate this? I could be dead in a coffin and she'd still complain about me... I'm just tired of being discredited! It feels so unfair!

@LookItsMeAgain you've put it far better than I have! Thank you.

You sound very rude. You don't tell your husband to thank her - if you can't bear to pick up the phone and speak to herm, then you write a note and post it.
What does it matter if she likes to hang the washing differently?
You do sound very immature. You shouldn't be using her for baby-sitting when it suits you, especially if she has a drink problem.

And once more, I am amazed that a mil has the OP’s mum’s details to contact her! My mum did not have my mil’s phone number, they didn’t live anywhere near each other, why would they want to be in contact anyway? Weird.

@user1493494961

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

I agree with you. I think it's a case if 2 difficult people.

These sound very petty things to get wound up about and you clearly can’t stand her. And she’s clearly not understanding why and struggling with it. To be honest, I’m not really sure any of us understand why as the examples are so petty.

I agree. I've seen many other MIL threads and it's clear the MIL is absolutely awful. The examples here, just don't seem enough to go NC.

MN in general are usually anti MIL, so where you're getting a fair amount of people disagreeing with you, it's really not that obvious she's the one solely at fault.

Turning up announced "doing a nice thing" is manipulation.

It makes you the bad guy if you don't say thank you because of standard manners and plenty of flying monkeys will tell you so.

Manipulating you and trampling your boundaries then complaining about you to your own mother?

I wouldn't want this person near my kids.

IGNORE. you want nc, then you have taken the decision to have nothing to do with her. Ignore. She spoke to your mum? Tell your mum you don’t want to hear about it in future. You need childcare? What are you asking a disfunctional drunk/ alcoholic? Either your nc or your not? Make your mind up and be clear. You are causing confusion.

The OP is not using her MiL for babysitting when it suits her. The OP needed to bring one of her children to hospital and couldn't bring both so asked the MiL on one occasion to look after her grandchild.
Also, it doesn't matter if it seems like enough detail has been provided on the thread for a DiL to go NC with her MiL. Surely it should be enough to say, in this case the DiL has gone no contact with her MiL and has mentioned that it's like death by 1000 cuts. We're only seeing about 10 of these 1000 cuts. The OP is not likely to put forward any other reasons but why do you need to have every little cut detailed here before believing her?
I have absolutely no idea who the OP is or any of these players in these situations but I can see where the Mil has overstepped and really isn't doing herself any favours by continuing to overstep.
Why is the OP getting such a hard time on this thread?

@Eslteacher06

Omg some of the comments on here....he kept her on the doorstep..... BECAUSE...WE...ARE...IN...A...PAN...DEM...IC. We are not allowed people in our house. Or maybe you guys are not following Government guidelines? Blimey...is that you MIL? lol

@Bluntness100...my husband took the card because he felt awkward if he said no.

In one breath people are saying I'm rude for not saying hello, but in another that my husband shouldn't have accepted the card...

It's not about the card. My birthday was a few weeks ago. I found out yesterday that she had been to my mum saying how rude I was, making out I was blanking her....when I've not seen or spoken to her since August. Not at Christmas. Not on her birthday. Not on my husband's birthday. Not on my daughter's birthday. Why would I all-of-a-sudden see her now?

@Saltyslug...I think you make a good suggestion. It's likely she will become clear why she's unreasonable and may actually tone her behaviour down.

And yet your opening post mentioned NOTHING about social distancing, lol! Always a convenient get out clause when you know you failed eh!

Pmsl.

If you've made it clear you're not talking to her, she did it on purpose to put you in the position to get you to talk to her, or get the ability to slag you off that you didn't say thank you in the correct way -
Ignore her - or send the money and card back if you're feeling very brave 😉

@Saltyslug
I find your comment disgusting . If you were partner and behaved like that to my mother, i would divorce you.

"Making out I was blanking her"

Isn't that exactly what NC is? So she wasn't making anything out. She was stating the facts as you yourself have described them.

I'd actually be more concerned about your own mother not wanting to "rock the boat" and not standing up for you.

Unless she also thinks you were in the wrong...

OP, to answer your actual AIBU no YANBU for being mad that she contacted your dm. You are not a child.

But actually I think it is your dm you should be mad at.
It's a shame you can't rely on her to stick up for you or at the least say I'm not getting involved.
They are not even in the same country! What can mil do to her that is so scary? You are already nc with mil so she can't rock that boat any further.

Tell your dm to block her if she can't stand up to her.

She sounds very manipulative to me, as she would be as an alcoholic. As so often happens in these circumstances, you are expected to rise above it. People don't comment on her behaviour, because they don't want the fallout, but you are rude and inconsiderate for not being up for her being pretty unpleasant to you.
I know full well that if I wasn't prepared to keep my opinions to myself around my grandchildren, I'd be told to get lost, and rightly so.
I notice that the mothers of sons on MN often get worked up about the future possibility of having a daughter in law who doesn't like her much. Truth is, when mothers in law are kind and considerate of their adult children's autonomy, and sons/daughters in law too, they are welcomed as part of the new family. It's a fact of life that you just don't go around telling the parents of your grandchildren how to do things.
I completely understand your reference to 'death by a thousand cuts' @Eslteacher06
My mother was similar, and I ended up having psychotherapy to learn to deal with her. Fortunately she was trainable, and has learnt that she can't treat her adult children in the same bossy manner as she did when we were young. It took a while, and I still can't rely on her emotionally, but we have a working relationship now.
It's really hard. I'm sure you'd like nothing better than a cordial, equal relationship with her, but it sounds like she won't be able to maintain it.

I would either return the money, or as said up thread, give it to a charity & tell her. "I have given the money to charity, I will not be accepting any more gifts".
Tell your Mother you want no contact with this Woman, she is invasive makes you unhappy, & in my view that is sufficient reason to cut contact. & your Mother is Not to get involved.
She can say:
I don't know anything about that
I do not want to know
I am sure she has her reasons.
the ideal would be for her to block the number

@mellowtimes I thought it was a given that we have to socially distance? My bad, I'll spell it out next time lol

@katy1213 I sound rude yet I've just had strangers on the internet call me "entitled princess", "hard work", "nasty", "mannerless", "rude", "difficult" and I haven't taken the bait. I'm happy to see a different point of view... constructively.

@Cherrysoup...you can thank Facebook messenger for them being able to contact eachother. I don't mind them talking....but leave my name out of it.

And as for my own mother...that's a whole other thread. But I've learned to accept who she is. It makes it easier when she's not in my face.

Can I just state that mil hasn't looked after the kids since well before lockdown. I would see her often so its not like I was palming my kids off when it suited. I went no contact in lockdown.

Thank you @Fnib...I wish you were my mil! Lol

It's one thing your mother telling you how to do things....but another thing entirely when it's your mil

Thank god my mother is technologically incompetent!

My mother was also a functional alcoholic. The one time she was asked to look after grandkids, she hid the wine bottles in the bottom of the bin. She was never asked again.

Ignore all the people telling you that you should have gone to the door, if you don't want to see her that's up to you and your own boundaries. You don't have to justify the reason you didn't.
Also you can't control what she says to your mum, maybe she is trying to get your mum on-side or something. Depending on your mum's sensibilities you may have to in-state suitable boundaries there too.
Any poster that says it's an overreaction about juice and washing is invalidating your feelings and should be ignored.
Good luck!

All mils are a nightmare even when we love them dearly. It's your husband's mother at the end of the day. One day she will be dead.

@Quaverscrisps...what do you even mean by that? 🤣🤣

Ahhhh this is my own mother, the washing line, feeding chocolate to my children, complaining they are rear facing, breastfeeding past 6 months. It’s relentless and I hate it!

We had a run in a few years ago and now I run to reduce contact but only do it for my children. I haven’t gone NC. I understand you were nervous about gaining weight but popping your head down or shouting down hello would have been sufficient if you said you were getting dressed etc.

But strange she complained to your mum...

It's your husband's mother at the end of the day. One day she will be dead.

😬🤣

We will all die one day. Therefore we can all act like manipulative, undermining bastards and everyone must accept it. Fuck that.

My FIL is very much like this and has in the past emailed my mum about me..... my mum tends to just roll her eyes and we laugh at the crazy.

She sounds just like my ex MIL. Who I am NC with. She constantly undermined me at every opportunity and every conversation had to be about her. Also a functioning alcoholic who constantly played the victim. Last straw was when she called my mum up behindmyback when her son and I split up before I had the chance to tell her myself. I hit the roof with her and sent a few blistering emails giving her a piece of my mind. Was a vomit download of every shitty thing she'd done all the time I knew her. I dont think you're being petty in the slightest. She sounds manipulative and controlling. Rising above just gives her the oxygen to continue. If she wins listen, respect your boundaries and know her place, fuck her!

@mellowtimes yep, very convenient