Mil contacting my mum about me

[Eslteacher06]

I'll try and be brief and objective

I don't get on with my mil. Since having my eldest 5 years ago, I've felt like she doesn't respect my wishes when it comes to my kids and tries to undermine me. My biggest trigger is being ignored which gets me so angry I have been known to snap at her.

Examples over the years include coming out to "help" me put the washing on the line, but really it's to tell me I'm doing it wrong (?!). Or giving my DD juice to bed when I asked her not too. When it's brought up I get "oh it was just a little bit".

When we ask her to babysit, she Huff's and puffs. One time, I needed to take DD2 to a+e overnight when my husband worked away, and she really dragged her heels about looking after DD1. That really upset me

Last lockdown, she was not respecting the rules, and it was driving me mad. Ok, do your thing, but don't expect to come in my house or see me. She also has a drinking problem and was hospitalised last year. She tried to make out it wasn't through drink, but the doctor said otherwise. (She used to send me pissed up texts telling me that I hated her and stuff)

Anyhoo...last August, I had enough. The only thing DH and I argue about is her. He agrees with me many times, but won't tell her to back off unless it gets really bad. And he hates me telling him how bad his mum is.

I've really felt better not being around her, so imagine my surprise that she turns up unannounced on my birthday. I was getting ready upstairs and had no idea why she was there. I didn't want to see her (mainly because I've put on weight since lockdown and I know she will go back saying this to her family). So my husband spoke to her at the door. I found out later she had come to give me a birthday card with money in it. This was completely unexpected because I've not seen or spoken to her for 7 months. I told my husband to tell her thanks.

Imagine my surprise when I speak to my mum that mil had been in contact with her saying how hurt she was that I didn't come to the door?! This isn't the first time she has spoken about me to her.

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed at her speaking to my own mother about me?

How shall I navigate this? I could be dead in a coffin and she'd still complain about me... I'm just tired of being discredited! It feels so unfair!

Ignore the bizarre replies, OP, on Mumsnet MILs can do no wrong, and are beyond criticism

That's total bullshit

This is such a weird thread, she sounds awful and undermining and has a drink problem, couldn’t help you out when you needed her and rang your own mum about you, which is massively overstepping any boundaries. I can’t understand why PP haven’t been more supportive to you.

She doesn’t deserve any access to you and she is lucky that DP still brothers with her and you are allowing her to see the DCs, good luck and ignore the poisonous biddy.

You aren’t really no contact though are you.... she isn’t coming in to your house because of covid19.

6 of one and half a dozen of the other by the sounds of it.

I meant that you have to pick your battles.. I loved my mil dearly but she would also drive me nuts. Her other daughter in law was the same but couldn't find the time to make the effort. Then our mil died and she was filled with regret and remorse. Your husband only gets one mother and if he wants to make the effort with her sometimes you have to bite the bullet even if it's least contact as possible but retaining politeness and good will. Because one day when they aren't here anymore it might be a problem between him and you. Personally if someone brings a gift I get in touch. But hey she's not my mil. I find mumsnet very black and white with no real thought to what people might be going through. Unless people are abusive or downright nasty why not see how they are coping and try be there for them. I dunno. I don't get it. Good luck though

You can't have it both ways - you can't go nc and take gifts from her. That's just being rude. You need to politely return the money, explaining to her you are nc so she understands, or she will forever think you are being rude. And so will other people, like your mum.

I get it OP. You can cut people out of your life that drive you absolutely demented with frustration, no matter who they are.

Part of the issue is your DH is being wet about it. If MIL was getting some back from him too, I suspect she would see where you are coming from but his behaviour is tacitly approving of her shit behaviour towards you. Had he handed the card back and said to his DMum that he won't take it as you won't want to accept it and then said something either to back you up or to make it clear that he sees the card and money thing as manipulation, she would start to get it but you are isolated in your push back over her poor behaviour and poor treatment of you.

I would write her a letter and enclose the card and money. Make it polite though. Explain that whilst you are happy for her to remain in contact with your DC and obviously DH will still visit her, she must respect your wishes that you want to not have contact.

Don't apologise in this letter and don't explain. Don't put anything that could be construed as a chink in your armour. After that, have a zero tolerance policy and eventually she will get the message. If she doesn't at least you have a copy of the polite letter you sent her to show people eh?

I was being treated badly by DH's kids from his first marriage and I mean really bad stuff. DH wrote his DD a letter explaining politely and firmly the truth of the situation. At the end he said that if they didn't stop their atrocious behaviour towards me, he would print off a copy of the letter and send one to everyone else in the family so they could see how badly they have both behaved towards me. That put paid to their crap over night and I have had no more shit from them.

@CrazyHorse

You can't have it both ways - you can't go nc and take gifts from her. That's just being rude. You need to politely return the money, explaining to her you are nc so she understands, or she will forever think you are being rude. And so will other people, like your mum.

aND this is why it's triangulation. The MIL turned up with money, after 7 months of apparently not getting why she'd been unwelcome. Then she handed the cash over. It's not a case of the OP wanting her cake and eat it. Returning the cash will be seen as warfare by the MIL.

OP, a woman who'll go so far as to try and turn your mother against you is going to triangulate like her life depends on it now.

I wouldn't mention no contact in the letter, or your right to be low contact nothing like that.

If you do that she will start invitinng your H and the dc over at the weekends and cutting you out of your own family.

@CrazyHorse

You can't have it both ways - you can't go nc and take gifts from her. That's just being rude. You need to politely return the money, explaining to her you are nc so she understands, or she will forever think you are being rude. And so will other people, like your mum.

This.

We are no contact with dhs family. If they turned up on the doorstep with a card or whatever they’d get told to go away. When they messaged our dd (adult) on Facebook- not related to them at all, my dd from my first marriage, they’ve had no contact with her- she blocked them without replying.

If you are no contact, you are no contact. Anything else just complicates things.

You should have returned the card and the money.

@Suzi888 I agree, Covid has given me an excuse not to be around her and I will have to work out what to do going forward. Low contact probably is the best way to go, but I know from my SIL doing this, that MIL plays the wounded soldier and tells everyone how she is rude, without giving proper context.

@Quaverscrisps...I see your point there actually....he goes from being highly irritated by her to being annoyed at me for not "letting this go" as MIL is "willing to move on"... which is bollocks, because she will never understand how her behaviour affects others, and given time, she will do something else upsetting and the cycle starts again

But that has made me see a different point....I have no interest in her but I know he will move his resentment of her behaviour onto me when she dies...I didn't consider that.

Urgh. It's a mess and I've no idea how to navigate it. Easy for people to say "rise above it". I'm on hightened alert the whole time she's around.

And can I just state. If she had told DH she was coming around with a card, I would have told him to say no.

For the first time ever, she just turned up on the doorstep. Funny that. Basically, she was relying on good manners to force my hand. And I don't appreciate that kind of manipulation.

That's exactly what I thought when I read you OP @Eslteacher06

As for giving it back - no. Because that's contact too. She was rude enough to try to force your hand. Any contact is contact. Personally I'd give it to charity.
Cam I recommend you look at the stately homes threads on the relationships board. There are links to other good info sites and forums, notably Out Of The Fog. You'll find people who 'get it' on there.

It's very obvious that the card and money werent a kind hearted, thoughtful gift. Just an excuse to muscle her way in and create a new drama. She shot herself in the foot dragging your mum into it. Bang out of order. I rose above my MILs shit for years and very much regret not putting her in her place at the start. It doesn't work. The people here who are giving you a hard time clearly have no experience of this personality type. When my exMIL called my mum behind my back I told her in no uncertain terms to stay away from my family and never contact them again. That she had upset my mum at a very difficult time and to just fuck off and shot stir elsewhere. But I learnt tobeblunt as fuck! And not looking back

I think you’re getting an unnecessarily bad wrap here; you are the one who has to live with her/her words and you’ve decided it isn’t ok for you/your mental health and that should be enough really.

I don’t know what the trait is technically called, I’m sure it has a name, but my ‘D’M who I also haven’t spoken to in months because of various shitty things sent gifts for DC and then messaged saying how awful I was for not thanking her. She just engineers situations to make her look good and me/who ever else the target is look bad. It’s the opposite of your situation though, she messaged my MIL who is lovely and kind, opposite of ‘D’M, about me and has now used anything MIL said in an attempt to keep her in the loop against her. She’s just trying to drive a wedge.

You’re an adult and you get to chose who is in your life.

I’m also surprised at some of the responses on here, as it’s clear that this MIL’s behaviour is very manipulative, especially with that doorstep visit. She clearly knew that her son would find it very hard to send her packing.

I was surprised by the comments on her, but @likeamillpond created a new thread basically minimalising my experience, and the support on there has been so uplifting. I wish I had seen that sooner!

*here