Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being made a fool of?

335 replies

MoonfacedMilksop · 09/04/2021 18:36

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 12/04/2021 06:31

OP, I think she is taking advantage, so I recommend getting legal advice to ensure she can’t claim a right to stay and refuse to leave. But apart from that, I agree with you. You’re right not to send her angry texts etc as some have suggested. But do give her a date to leave and be firm about not letting her move in with you.

provencegal · 12/04/2021 06:39

She is taking massive advantage. I would give her to 6pm to move out (not to your mothers, don't make it your mother's problem) she can sort herself out.

You owe her nothing.

Whatever happened years ago, happened. You do not have to repay an eternal debt. I am sorry other people were not more supportive at the time.

Ask her to leave politely and nicely, wish her well and get rid. A crisis that is either fake or real is her crisis to deal with, she has treated you very very badly op. For your own sake, choose not to engage anymore with someone like her. She is just a user, and is not invested in you or the friendship at all.

MangosteenSoda · 12/04/2021 06:52

Tbh I’d probably do what you’re doing now with the exception of setting her up at your mum’s house.

I’d also be upset about the comment, but if I thought it completely out of character I’d give her the benefit of doubt and stick to the original arrangement.

I don’t care if that makes me a mug. I’d rather be kind to someone who needs it and would deal with the nasty comment in my own time.

Going forward I’d be quite wary and would take a step back. I wouldn’t get in touch and would wait for her to contact me and just see what happens. Or just not see her again. Whatever suits.

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 12/04/2021 07:06

She is playing you OP

Mrgrinch · 12/04/2021 07:17

You're being played like a fiddle OP.

Stratfordplace · 12/04/2021 07:22

Just give her 2 weeks notice stating you need the property for your mum as was originally intended. Don’t offer your mum’s property if you want to let this do so with a letting agent and do it properly.

suspiria777 · 12/04/2021 07:22

@MoonfacedMilksop

I just find it so weird as we’ve been friends for 25 years. If she didn’t like me I don’t understand why she would’ve maintained contact. We’re certainly not the closest of friends but we always have a really good laugh together. It’s not been one sided either, she’s arranged meet ups as often as I have. I don’t understand why me helping her out has suddenly made her unable to stand me being near her.
I would imagine she's ashamed and embarrassed and is deflecting that feeling (because it's horrible to feel that way) to her other friends by pretending she's doing you a favour (by giving you company that you're desperate for or whatever). That would also explain why she was rude and impatient when you went to see her. It's embarrassing and awkward.

However, none of this is a reason for you to have her there when you'd rather not. You can ask her to leave. But I just wanted to give you a perspective on what her behaviour might indicate beyond just "taking an old friend for a fool" (because few people really are THAT callous and calculating).

RickOShay · 12/04/2021 07:27

@MoonfacedMilksop
Good for you. You have to do what you think is the right thing, your conscience has to be clear. It doesn’t matter what other people think as long as you are happy with your own behaviour. Hope it all works out for you.

provencegal · 12/04/2021 07:36

Op, it is very important that you do NOT move her into your mother's house, she will gain rights to stay and it could take a very long time and an expensive court battle to get her out again. Trust me on this, as someone that has learn the hard way.

She needs to use a letting agent, find a property and do things properly. You do not need to prop her up, she is an adult, and not a kind one at that.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 12/04/2021 07:38

I would imagine she's ashamed and embarrassed and is deflecting that feeling (because it's horrible to feel that way) to her other friends by pretending she's doing you a favour (by giving you company that you're desperate for or whatever).
That would also explain why she was rude and impatient when you went to see her. It's embarrassing and awkward.

I agree with this. Especially if she’s done everything right up to this point.
She probably feels worse living with you in your nice house with annex if, as you say you got your lifestyle through circumstance rather than your own efforts. I would guess she’s trying to equal out the situation to her friend rather than admit she’s in a really precarious position and needs the help of a better off friend.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/04/2021 08:15

I'd get her out - now.

Quite honestly if I had nowhere to live for a period of time I'd be pathetically grateful for a space to lay a sleeping bag on someone's floor every night, never mind a self-contained annexe that wasn't costing me a penny.

She's a user. Tell her (don't ask her) to leave immediately. Let her get in touch with her other phone) friend and see if she will accommodate her.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2021 08:15

I’d send the text that @BluebellsGreenbells said.

And hope it embarrasses the shit out of her.
She isn’t a friend - just an acquaintance you’re better off without.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/04/2021 08:17

I too thought the visiting friend could be a lover, hence not wanting OP to hang out with them, and the "hiding" could be about their relationship. A few weeks until... they can move in together?

She does owe you an explanation though.

Figgygal · 12/04/2021 08:31

You’re too nice op
She may or may not deserve you you need to call her out on what you heard her say once she’s calmed down
I imagine she’s mortified that she’s homeless and living on the kindness of friends and said something to make herself feel better

Sugarbelle · 12/04/2021 08:35

OP I think rather than letting this fester, why not just have a conversation with your friend?

ask them what's going on, and then, tell them you over heard what they said on the phone and that you feel hurt and a bit awkward about it. your friend will either have a reasonable explanation or they wont. they may be mortified and apologetic. then it's up to you to decide where to go from there.

on the surface what you over heard sounds really shitty but you are assuming a lot of things and overthinking. just have a conversation.

thornyhousewife · 12/04/2021 08:44

You've been put in a difficult situation OP and I can understand why you want to continue to help your friend.

However I would strongly strongly advise that you don't involve your mum in this situation, it could easily be disastrous.

Your friend needs help that you can't provide.

UntamedWisteria · 12/04/2021 08:52

Yet another Mumsnet thread where posters are trying to force the OP into having a confrontation she clearly does not want or need to have.

All to satisfy your own desperate needs for a bit of drama and conflict on the internet.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

me4real · 12/04/2021 08:53

@MoonfacedMilksop Sorry you went through such a rough time in the past. Flowers

If the comment was (as far as you know) really out of character, I think you're doing things right with the just giving her a couple of weeks and seeing how things go.

Just keep your wits about you (as you are) when it comes to this friend in future. Bin her at any more signs of disrespect, unless you're ok with just having a drinking buddy who you don't know really likes you.

Embracingthechaos · 12/04/2021 08:56

I would tell her that you heard what she said, and have a conversation about it. Otherwise it's just going to chip away at the friendship.

SushiYum · 12/04/2021 08:57

OP you sound like a doormat. As in a pushover that is now being trodden over with heavy muddy boots. If you don’t grow a backbone then people will keep taking advantage of you. Chuck. Her. Out. And tell her you overheard her comments about wanting to avoid you. She’s emotionally manipulating her.

ConstantlyChanging · 12/04/2021 08:57

Just talk to her. If she's really your friend you should be able to say:

'Look, X, this is really awkward but I was in the garden yesterday and I heard you say that you had to be quiet so you could avoid me and that you were 'hiding in a hovel'. It really hurt my feelings. I am happy to help you out but I'm not willing to be made a fool of.'

You can also add what you want to happen next. 'I'm happy to have you here but I don't want to be spoken about like that'. Or 'I'm happy to have you here until sis arrives and then I think it's best if you find somewhere else' or 'I think it would be best if you move to X place/move out'. She needs to answer for her behaviour.

Lassy1945 · 12/04/2021 09:00

You’ve been friends with her for 25 years
You’ve never known her to bitch

She’s has the rug pulled from beneath her
She embarrassed about her situation. How her life is turning out
She had a friend over and felt embarrassed that this is what her life has become. Having to essentially scrounge off a friend. So she defensively said something to her guest to cover her embarrassment
It was rude about you. But I reckon she didn’t mean it.

Op trust 25 years of friendship.

WildfirePonie · 12/04/2021 09:01

I wouldn't move her in with your Mum! What if you can't get her out?

UntamedWisteria · 12/04/2021 09:02

Can't believe this. People are calling the OP a doormat, pushover, being played, a soft-arse.

How do you think this is helping her own sense of self-esteem.

You are a bunch of drama-seeking trolls, you know who you are.

diddl · 12/04/2021 09:05

It doesn't sound as if she is a friend at all.

When she said about being in a hovel hiding, presumably she meant hiding fron the Op?

She has other friends who can house her surely?

If she's that desperate she's sleep on a sofa/floor-not be bitching about having somewhere to herself!