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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being made a fool of?

335 replies

MoonfacedMilksop · 09/04/2021 18:36

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

OP posts:
MoonfacedMilksop · 11/04/2021 15:42

Her dad definitely didn’t disown her for anything other than her sexuality. Her family is very religious, I’m pretty close to them and it really was nothing more her dad disapproving of her sexuality. Her mum was pretty heartbroken about the whole thing and always asks after her but she’s never openly gone against her husbands wishes.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 11/04/2021 19:09

How are you feeling, about all this today @MoonfacedMilksop

Have you taken all things onboard, all the potential outcomes. At least knowing the many routes this situation can take, helps you plan ahead.

I apologise for insulting you by saying your kindness was your weakness, I meant perhaps this is what your friend sees. Either way I apologise.

MoonfacedMilksop · 12/04/2021 00:31

No need to apologise bluedahlia69, I started this thread because I wanted the opinion of others. I was really upset when I overheard her as it was just so out of character for her. We always have a real laugh when we’re together but I’ve never know her to be a bitch about anyone, particularly people that she’s friendly with. I also know that she didn’t have a rental agreement at her old house - it was owned by a mutual friend and F was paying cash for it so it was all off the books. Mutual friend realised this year that even paying tax and cleaners fees etc. she’ll make far more letting it out on a weekly basis for tourists.

I still don’t know what to do. I have no doubt that she going through an incredibly tough time. It’s probably particularly galling for her as she did everything right with her life - put herself through uni, got amazing grades, works in an incredibly male dominated industry whereas I have no qualifications and don’t need to work as my ex husband has a job in a very overpaid industry and our divorce set me up for life financially. So I can see how that could cause resentment, not that she’s ever shown/ said anything that suggests this before.

It’s definitely helpful to think about different options. For now, she’s staying until sis arrives, I’ll re-evaluate a few days beforehand. She can always stay at my mum’s house which she may actually prefer as it’s a proper house and she could pay for it by making herself useful by helping my mum. Mum is refusing to accept help at the moment and isn’t ready to admit defeat and move in to the annexe yet so no rush on that front.

I can’t be awful to her, I just can’t do it. I certainly couldn’t pack her bags and leave them outside with a note calling her a cheeky bitch or similar as some have suggested. If it was anyone else I would, but it’s not. It’s my best friend from school and I’m genuinely concerned she’s suicidal/ having a crisis.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 12/04/2021 00:33

In that case why would you consider inflicting her on your Mum?

AnotherSunrise · 12/04/2021 00:49

Chuck her out!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/04/2021 01:30

I think you very kind to someone who is in trouble.
If you don't know what to do then perhaps the best thing is to wait and see, hopefully her mum will be able to help sort her out and maybe a few days for things to settle down will make the picture clearer.
You are providing a respite, but I don't think you have to take on full responsibility for her long term.

user1481840227 · 12/04/2021 02:10

Is it possible her friend was actually a lover? and that's why she didn't want you popping in? and that her mood and upset and breakdown was all genuine also

Or is it possible that she genuinely is 'hiding' at the moment from someone? Perhaps she owes money to people or something like that...her comment then about "“I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” is just a jokey remark about whatever bad situation she's gotten into as a coping mechanism...and she doesn't actually think it's a hovel at all?

Noideawhatnametotype · 12/04/2021 02:40

Cheeky fucker!
Tell her you heard what was said, tell her to pack her bags and kick her out!!

memberofthewedding · 12/04/2021 02:55

When we eavesdrop on private conversations we seldom hear good about ourselves!

Yes, you do need to clear the decks before your relatives arrive. I would be inclined to sit her down and tax her with what you heard to hear her explanation. If she makes difficulties about going then you will have the support of your relatives to insist that she moves.

BlueDahlia69 · 12/04/2021 03:13

When we eavesdrop on private conversations we seldom hear good about ourselves!

OP said clearly...

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

OP wasn't eavesdropping, and it's a shame that is all you took from her OP.

PurpleTrilby · 12/04/2021 03:14

There's two different things going on here, as I see it. Firstly you have a big thing in the background of what happened when you were 15. And this friend is the only person you've trusted with that. So secondly you feel obligated to her and so have been extraordinarily generous. Stop. You can get support from other people. There's groups and other people who can support you. Unlike this freeloading bitch. Honestly she's no loss and you deserve better friends. Good luck.

jessstan2 · 12/04/2021 03:58

What a nasty, two faced bitch, happy enough to take advantage of your hospitality.

I would get rid and never see her again. 'Friends' like that you can do without. I'd rather be friendless.

You must feel hurt, op, I know I would but this is not your fault. You've done the woman a favour and she has bitten the hand that feeds her. Time will heal, you do not need her.

Sparklfairy · 12/04/2021 03:59

You sound so nice OP. Too nice Sad I would be so hurt by what she said, and whilst I wouldn't go 'nuclear' like some on here have suggested and just pack her bags, I'm not sure I could bring myself to just let it lie. I really think I would have to discuss it with her as calmly as possible, knowing of course that she'd probably cry and make me feel guilty.

I have been in her position, suddenly made homeless and stayed with a friend, and it was far from ideal for either of us. I was absolutely nothing but grateful though, she had no right to slag you off and be unappreciative when you stepped up and helped her.

Justilou1 · 12/04/2021 04:09

I still think she’s manipulative and has big issues. Don’t let them become more important than your needs. She needs to take responsibility for her life as well.

CrikeyPeg · 12/04/2021 04:09

@GreyhoundG1rl

In that case why would you consider inflicting her on your Mum?
This!

@MoonfacedMilksop - you're a caring soul but I fear you sense of loyalty to this person is clouding your judgement. If indeed she is suicidal and/or having a breakdown, she needs help, proper qualified help. Don't saddle your Mum with this.

Frownette · 12/04/2021 04:18

Umm...she needs to see her GP. If she's going through a crisis she needs professional help.

Is she still going to work ok? She needs to get a proper rented place with a contract, you said that she was staying with a friend before this as well. Are you aware of what has precipatated this? Do you think it is having to move?

Lili132 · 12/04/2021 04:18

Why do you feel like you only have a choice between two extreme reactions - throwing her out or pretending nothing happened?
You need to have honest conversation with her when she calms down. It's very important to make people aware of the hurt they cause and to set clear boundaries. If she's really a friend she will take it on board and apologise.

Classicbrunette · 12/04/2021 05:04

It’s a lesson isn’t it.. don’t let “friends” take advantage of you as it often backfires. Talking to her is the way to go. I can’t see why she can’t go to her mums ?! I also think that she’s embarrassed, and what is she hiding from ? Maybe she won’t tell you the truth.

FortunesFave · 12/04/2021 05:09

I would definitely tell her you heard. I'd also say "While I'm not going to ask you to leave, I do want you to know that you need to be out by X date and from now on, I don't consider us friends."

Steph64 · 12/04/2021 05:10

She’s kept a “friendship” with you because of your lucrative financial situation. It would have naturally withered otherwise.

You’ve always been on the back burner as a potential supplier of goods and services. People like this carefully curate a portfolio of mugs.

You need to give her an end date, ideally keeping it light, but get her off the premises and then out of your life. If you’re not strong enough to do this then you need to muster some assistance.

She has no compassion for you. Expect to hear at some point something along the lines of “well it’s all right for you.......”

mathanxiety · 12/04/2021 05:32

If you think she's having some sort of breakdown and is in danger of self harm, the kind thing to do is to bring her to a hospital for a MH evaluation. If she is working and earning, she can go to a private MH evaluation.

You are not really helping her by allowing her to stay in your property. You are just allowing her to put off taking her problem by the horns and getting proper care for it.

You need to recognise that you are not really contributing to a solution to anyone's problem here, despite your good intentions. You are making yourself feel that you are a good, kind person (which you are) but you don't need to keep on reassuring yourself about this, and you certainly don't need to do this if you feel something in the situation isn't right or if you feel some fear about this friend's character or intentions.

Your concern that F may have been two faced after all must be very painful for you, and shows that the trauma you experienced as a teenager hasn't been adequately dealt with.

You are very, very over-invested in the relationship with F, to the point where you are willing to get your own mother involved and to potentially complicate her life too.

In the nicest possible way, you seem to have many codependent traits and you need to seek help for this.

But first, you need to summon up the courage to get F out of your property before she can claim that you did up the coach house for her and are throwing her out unlawfully. You need to get your act together and do this ASAP, and let the chips fall where they may.

Gigigoode · 12/04/2021 05:36

Get her out, ASAP

Lessthanaballpark · 12/04/2021 05:49

OP the longer she stays there the harder it will be to get her out.

The very least you should do is tell her you overheard and demand an explanation. If a friend offered me an annexe rent-free I would be undyingly grateful to her, not slagging her off behind her back.

Don’t be a pushover please.

billybagpuss · 12/04/2021 05:54

It is clear she’s in a very bad place at the moment but that does not excuse her attitude towards someone who is helping her out. There are ways of nicely telling someone you need to be on your own and aren’t up for socialising and the overheard comment is just rude, but it does sound like in her mind the current arrangements are temporary

I understand you wanting to continue to help her, but I really would let her know you overheard the comments and how hurtful they are.

pictish · 12/04/2021 06:13

I’d still put her out, crying or not. People can be upset, having a rough time, going through the mill...and at the same time, treat a friend like a doormat. Her upset does not negate the fact that she was impatient and unfriendly to you and slagged off the property you are letting her stay in for free.
She can go and be dreadfully upset somewhere more suitable for her, can’t she?

You’re being a soft-arse.

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