He shared private pictures online

[feelingexposed]

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

When you say the photos are "10 years worth" do you mean he's been doing this for the entirety of the relationship? Wouldn't that make his TTC stress excuse even more stupid?

@shouldistop

sperm was failing and somehow having other men cum for me helped*

Pathetic excuse thought up on the spot. He's a pervert who gets off on using your body without your consent. And what's worse, he gets off on other men doing the same to you - his wife.

This 100 percent ! You seen niave op , perfect for ten years because what ever he has been up too he has hid it well , if this person didn't message you you would of probably gone your whole life thinking it

As somebody else said write down the details and everything you know and seal it in an envelope just in case you change your mind or need them . This is very raw and an awful lot to process and like all victims you are feeling the shame .
Don't rule anything out ,or that your feelings might change in the future.

Troll hunting is not allowed, for good reason. People come here for support through very difficult situations and in order for them to be helped they need to be believed and feel heard. Trolling is horrendous, but RL is also horrendous for many people.

If you have doubts, report and let MNHQ make their decision.

Just to be clear, any comments I have made in this regard on this thread have been in reply to others by way of explanation and were not intended to cast aspersions.

Same.

For fuck sake, why is mumsnet allowing these posts? Is it ok to call women liars when they report sexual abuse on here now?
You’re not judge and jury, and your attitude of “she’s not behaving as I think she should” is exactly what gets so many rapists off. Disgusting that this is allowed.

Absolutely agree that this is awful and definitely not in the spirit of the site. People who have doubts should report instead of going on about how they would react and act in a given situation and casting doubt on a poster’s account. The fact is that you don’t know what you would do until it actually happens to you, you don’t know how you would feel or how you would act. That is the nature of shock when your whole world has been turned upside down.

If you've been on MN a while you wil see many posts like this that sadly turn out not to be true

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to judge posters and declare if they’re truthful of not based on how you think someone “should” react. Under reacting to sexual abuse from someone you know is very normal. How do you think it makes women feel if they post to talk about their very real sexual abuse and someone makes comments like this? How is it in any way helpful? If you don’t believe, don’t reply.

Can we please let OP actually process what’s happened to her before we start lecturing her about taking responsibility for others’ actions. It will add to the shame she feels, which isn’t hers to feel as she has done absolutely nothing wrong, and it’s absolutely not right to put that on her right now.

It must be so hard to not know where to turn for advice and then finally reach out on here and have people doubt you publicly.

Hi OP. I don't for one minute believe the reasoning behind this. Your husband is a pervert and wanted to share a thrill with other perverts.

Ninkanink I agree, OP has enough on her plate right now without having pressure/guilt placed on her. She has done nothing wrong and needs support.

@Naunet

If you've been on MN a while you wil see many posts like this that sadly turn out not to be true

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to judge posters and declare if they’re truthful of not based on how you think someone “should” react. Under reacting to sexual abuse from someone you know is very normal. How do you think it makes women feel if they post to talk about their very real sexual abuse and someone makes comments like this? How is it in any way helpful? If you don’t believe, don’t reply.

I do

I'm just explaining why people post the way they do.

Please report him to the police OP. I really hope you don't stay with this 'man'.
Hope you're ok.

Tying what he's done to trying to conceive is really really manipulative, utterly shitty behaviour.

He thinks it'll help him get away with it if he can convince you that it was to help him get you pregnant. Like it was for your good as a couple, or for the good of success TTC.

It's bullshit.

He did it because he wanted to, because he gets off on it.
Trying to say it was to improve his performance for TTC is just bullshit, designed to make you accept it; "oh, he just really wanted me to conceive, to get me pregnant, he felt under so much pressure on that front etc etc".

"See, it was for us, for you that I was doing it".

Despicable.

Nope, it was for himself. He's got a kink, and it's not a kink compatible with many women.

Esp now online pics don't have a shelf life life and people can try to track you down, like one had done.

*has done

OP doesn’t need to think about anything other than keeping herself okay, right now. Stop piling guilt and pressure on her.

Butwasitherdriveway derailing yet another thread and attacking the op - how very surprising.

Consistent certainly comes to mind.

Firstly, it is not something all husbands do. Secondly, leave him. He has completely violated your privacy, trust and respect.

Kick his arse out!

This man has no respect for you and is only sorry you found out! He’s not sorry for what he’s done and expects you to understand his needs.

How can you trust that if you go to sleep next to him that he’s not taking pervy photos of you again!!

He needs to go and be prosecuted!!

@VettiyaIruken

When you say the photos are "10 years worth" do you mean he's been doing this for the entirety of the relationship? Wouldn't that make his TTC stress excuse even more stupid?

Exactly.

And if you were to stay and have a child/ten, what will the next excuse be? You're too busy/distracted with young kids?

It's his default, it's his kink.

(And I've never been with a man who does this incidentally - it's not ordinary like he's no doubt trying to convince you).

@MarshmallowAra

Butwasitherdriveway derailing yet another thread and attacking the op - how very surprising.

Consistent certainly comes to mind.

Unreal isn't it. Telling a woman who has had this happen and is processing it all within the space of a few days, that she is now complicit in a crime and should be considering other people right now. The lack of empathy is astounding.

Right now, what she should be doing is whatever keeps her mentally safe and physically safe from harm. That's the immediate priority.

Piling on pressure with regards to next steps, guilt tripping her or telling her she is 'complicit' in criminal behaviour is ridiculous and nasty.

Some people seem to get a kick out of having a controversial opinion. Not appropriate on such a serious post.

OP I hope you're ok - right now, all you can focus on is being safe. We are here for you if you need us and I'm sorry if other people are making you feel worse or under any added pressure while you process this massive thing.

If you've been on MN a while you wil see many posts like this that sadly turn out not to be true.

Also seems to be encouraging people to disbelieve and troll hunt op.

Well done for planning to leave that disgusting pervert but I would still go to the police. He’s a sex offender and he needs locked up