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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He shared private pictures online

607 replies

feelingexposed · 08/04/2021 15:32

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

OP posts:

BrilliantBetty · 08/04/2021 21:52

This also means I am not going to the police, he has broken all my trust but I don't think I will ever stop loving him and I don't want to see him in prison.

Please be strong OP. It isn't only about you... he may have done this before and he will do it again. To someone else. They might not find out. Or It could heavily impact on their life.
Can you really live with yourself, knowing he walks free from what he's done and he can do again.

Hell he could even work with children/ vulnerable people without this being properly reported to police and convicted.

Reconsider!!!!!

EarthSight · 08/04/2021 21:52

Also, I'm really sorry to have to say this OP, but you also need to consider if he or the men he's been sharing them with are into necrophilia. I'm only raising it so you understand how dark the motivation behind this kind of behaviour can be.

Baileysandcream · 08/04/2021 21:55

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. This level of betrayal is hard to comprehend and come to terms with.

Sharing naked photos that were taken without your knowledge and consent is despicable and unforgiveable, but sharing photos that also show your face allowing you to be identifiable - I have no words.

I hope at some point when you have had some time to process the enormity of this and had time to reconsider, you will think about reporting this to the police to help safeguard any other women that he may come into contact with in future.

If he has been secretly taking photos of you for the last 10 years and thinks it is acceptable to share them online, allowing others to see your face and know who you are, it seems very unlikely that he is going to stop on his own accord.

The police are also better placed to investigate the sites involved and get them closed down and as many as your photos destroyed as possible.

Fuckitfuckit · 08/04/2021 21:58

@feelingexposed

I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has replied to this. You have all made me realise that I am still in shock and not reacting correctly.

I have told him to stay at his mothers and I have made my mind up that we are stopping TTC and I am going to end the relationship and divorce him.

However I am currently not planning on telling anyone in my life, I don't think I can bare people knowing that my naked body is spread across hundreds of hard drives for perverts and some people even trying to find them. This also means I am not going to the police, he has broken all my trust but I don't think I will ever stop loving him and I don't want to see him in prison. I know a lot of people won't agree with this but this is my current thinking.

He has shown me all the pictures he had in his file and there was a lot. 10 years worth of our relationship and my body in very clear pictures and 90% with my full face as well. I will however be reporting the site, I spent 10 minutes on there earlier and it is not good reading. I really hope this doesn't happen to anyone else.

Thank you all again

It is of course your choice to not report him, but you are foolhardy not to. This is a sexual assault on you. You do not seem to really understand the true implications that this can have on you and your life.

The pictures from those websites then become property of the owners of the website, copies are made from the pervs who use them to wank over.
These men have no concern about the morality of getting their rocks off to photos of a lady who is sleeping, who didn't even know these pictures existed. These men have already tried to contact you. If they've found you on Facebook, the chances of them finding you where you live, where you work etc isn't that unlikely.

He has done this to you for 10 years!! And you're willing to let him get away with it? And do it to his next girlfriend? His next wife? Anyone who is vulnerable around him.

Your choice but I hope you change your mind before someone else ends up in the same situation by him

Sunbird24 · 08/04/2021 22:03

OP, can you get some digital security advice on how to lock down your social media etc so that your profiles can only be found and seen by existing friends & family members? That should help prevent any more of these ‘men’ from being able to contact you out of the blue.

Motnight · 08/04/2021 22:04

Fuckitfuckit please don't put any blame on the Op for what her husband may do in the future.

Op, good luck.

DianaT1969 · 08/04/2021 22:05

I'm feeling rage. That he tried to justify it!

You know what OP, I wouldn't just divorce him, I'd sue him in the civil court too for damages. A million pounds and I wouldn't care how he had to get hold of the money.
It's your reputation, your future earning potential, your next partner - what's he going to think? When you hopefully have children with someone else, you won't know when you pick them up from school if someone at the school gate came across one and circulated it. You'll never know.

As someone else said, I suspect there has been a lot more abuse over the years than the OP might realise. This man has no boundaries - no respect for her as a human at all.

as141 · 08/04/2021 22:06

This has sent shivers done my spine.

I'm so so sorry, OP. I have nothing meaningful to say that hasn't been said already. Just know you're in my thoughts and I appreciate why you've said what you've said regarding how difficult it is to throw away what you say is 10 years of perfect companionship. I think Id feel incredibly conflicted too. I'm not in your shoes so it's easy for me to say I'd LTB but in your position (I still think I'd LTB) but appreciate it's going to be really really hard whatever decision you make. I can't begin to comprehend what you'll have to tell people. Why a seemingly perfect marriage has broken down. I certainly would not want to draw attention to the fact there's compromised photos of you online.

Thinking of you. Take care.

SylHellais · 08/04/2021 22:15

It’s lucky that the OP was able to come to such a quick decision after just a few hours of MN support. Go MN!

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 08/04/2021 22:23

@Motnight

Fuckitfuckit please don't put any blame on the Op for what her husband may do in the future.

Op, good luck.

Exactly, she's been groomed by a manipulative pervert and criminal. OP, this is NOT your fault!

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 08/04/2021 22:25

@Mintyflesh

Forgive me if I'm wrong but this doesn't ring true for me. The OP is saying she chose to update her facebook profile with a private picture taken by her husband that, at the very least, she didn't want taken or was unaware of it being taken. The only reason I haven't reported it is because there will be women out there going through something similar and they need the support that everybody here is giving.

Report anyway rather than putting it here. HQ can decide.

BrilliantBetty · 08/04/2021 22:51

Fuckitfuckit please don't put any blame on the Op for what her husband may do in the future.

Except that by NOT reporting it, it gives him more scope to commit further offences. He has been offending for 10 years, why would he stop now.

Don't we have a duty to report crimes to protect each other. He is a sex offender and should be registered as such. OP has the ability to assist with this. While this must be a terribly difficult time for OP, choosing not to report this is ethically very questionable.

BluesInTheSun · 08/04/2021 22:52

Op I’m so glad to hear you intend to divorce him but he was not protecting you when he violated you and risked your privacy. Please reconsider telling the police. It is highly unlikely he will end up in prison.

Op you genuinely have nothing to be ashamed of. He is the disgusting person and it’s unfair for you to have no support at this time because you’re afraid to speak up when you have done nothing wrong.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2021 22:58

@BrilliantBetty

Fuckitfuckit please don't put any blame on the Op for what her husband may do in the future.

Except that by NOT reporting it, it gives him more scope to commit further offences. He has been offending for 10 years, why would he stop now.

This is veering dangerously close to victim blaming. Until something happens to you it's very hard to know what you would be able to cope with when it comes to reporting, going through a trial etc. I understand what you're saying in principle but it's very dangerous to tell women they are behaving in a morally questionable way if they don't feel able to report a crime or actively pursue / fight for a conviction.

bakingdemon · 08/04/2021 22:58

Didn't want to read and run. All courage to you OP, and I hope you follow this through.

Presumably your H (no D about him) won't want this to be widely known either, so that gives you some leverage when it comes to talking settlement. Take him for everything you can get so you're set up with a house etc. You'll probably need to tell your lawyer about all this, and I'd suggest you find a therapist too. You need to talk it through with someone IRL even if you don't want to talk to your friends.

Be brave

Deathgrip · 08/04/2021 23:17

The OP is saying she chose to update her facebook profile with a private picture taken by her husband that, at the very least, she didn't want taken or was unaware of it being taken.

No she isn’t. She’s saying she updated her Facebook picture, I presume to one that her scumbag of a husband had used alongside the fake names in his profile.

misskick · 08/04/2021 23:20

Ten years of photos, honestly op even if at the moment you feel you don't want to take it any further as you are no doubt in total shock. There is going to come to a point where you realise to what extent this abuse has gone too and feel totally violated and want to get justice. Pleases gather evidence and have a think about it before you rush into not contacting the police. As honestly one day you will want too.

Deathgrip · 08/04/2021 23:26

He will be deleting evidence and warning his disgusting mates as we speak. Gather as much as you can.

MsDogLady · 08/04/2021 23:30

The horror is mind-boggling. Your husband has been exploiting you for the sexual gratification of himself and other misogynistic pervs who enjoy abusing unaware women. He has robbed you of your consent, violated you, and inspired a sleazy stranger to find you. His shifting the blame to TTC is a manipulative tactic.

OP, your heart is crushed, but you’ve showed such courage in posting here, listening, and showing him the door. That strength will serve you well as you move through the grieving process and beyond. Consider seeking individual counseling for extra support. 🌻

Famousinlove · 08/04/2021 23:47

It's as if there are thousands of men stood outside your bedroom window wanking whilst watching you asleep and your husband is the one holding the curtain open for them

You should consider reporting him, he needs to know how serious this is.

mummymeister · 08/04/2021 23:49

When I read posts like this my very first thought is "where do you think this is going to end OP?" do you think that now you have outed him he is going to stop? or is he just going to stop taking pics of you and start taking pics of strangers that he pays or people completely unaware? How long before he does this again when he has already admitted he needs this site to be aroused? when he can no longer do this because he has been outed where do you think he will look next to satisfy his desires? they havent gone away. they are just going to find another outlet. and this is the sole reason why you must report this crime. dont wait for 2,5 10 or however many years to pick up the paper and read about something far far worse. if you wont do it for yourself then please do it for all the other women he will go on to violate. because make no mistake this is not the end. there is no blame on you for what has happened none whatsoever. now you have found out though you do need to act because when this carries on and takes a turn for the worse I am afraid people will blame you. how many times have you read about horrific crimes perpetrated by men and read "she must have known" dont be that woman. get help to deal with this betrayal and this crime.

Overdueanamechange · 09/04/2021 00:00

I am so pleased you are leaving him.
Please as others advise go to the police. He has abused you and allowed others to do so also. Sites like this exist because women are too embarrassed to report the abuse.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/04/2021 00:05

One way of thinking of this is that he has virtually trafficked you. Without your consent, he has used your naked imaged for the sexual gratification of strangers, because knowing that you were unknowingly and nonconsensually being wanked over aroused him. He is a sex offender. It is up to you if you go to the police, though I would. But please do leave him. He has no respect for you. As far as he is concerned you are his chattel, not an independent thinking feeling person. He felt it was his right to use you, your body, and your image. He has shat upon your marriage. He isn't sorry he did it. He's only sorry that he has been caught.

noodledoodler · 09/04/2021 00:15

10 years he has been taking pictures without your knowledge and consent? What age were you OP when you met him? So so sorry this has happened to you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/04/2021 00:17

Go to the police. He is an abuser.

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