He shared private pictures online

[feelingexposed]

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

I’m sorry this has happened to you, OP but I admire your strenght and courage!

Please, also consider the risk of some sort of revenge porn: he has 10 years worth of photos, and might not like you wanting to divorce him.
The police would also make sure that he won’t get access to any material that he could use to hurt you (again) xxx

He has committed 2 crimes - voyeurism

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/implementation-of-the-voyeurism-offences-act-2019

And revenge porn

https://www.lawtonslaw.co.uk/resources/what-is-the-revenge-porn-law-in-england/

Even aside from that, he is abusive, misogynistic and deeply deeply disrespectful.

In your shoes I'd be leaving him AND reporting him to the police (who may be able to remove some of the images from Uk based sites but frankly once it's online there's little can be done)

He's a vile pathetic little weasel you deserve so much better.

In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done

That you know of!

I'm glad you're leaving him op I'm
Sooo sorry this happened to you

This is a crime . Please call the police .

Leave the bastard

The silver lining is that the fact that he has been doing this multiple times over the entire duration of the relationship means you have no choice but to walk away. It wasn't a one off mindless mistake. It was hundreds of premeditated crimes. That should strengthen your resolve to never look back wondering "if only".

I can only echo others in offering support to you for this horrible situation you find yourself in.

Please save all this evidence, as even if you don't want to approach the Police today, you may change your mind further on down the road.

I know you have taken solace from the fact that the images were 'temporary' on this awful website, however I know this may add to your distress, there are ways to screen shot and save images so your image may still be out there.

This is not your shame - whatever you decide to do. It's totally on him and there is no excuse / reason or justification for his actions. This wasn't a one off 'rush of blood to the head' mistake. This was sustained over a decade and totally despicable. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

This is bloody appalling, your husband is a creep. I know you love him but you should have him go to therapy to help him and take a break from your relationship. Focus on yourself go buy something for your self make him earn your trust again. But in the end after focusing on your self and looking at the whole thing from a new perspective, I think what would be the best in this situation is to get a divorce because like the rest of these comments say this was a breach of privacy, trust and respect. Contact close/trusted friends and family on how to deal with this even though you went on websites like this for advice. Try to contact the websites and the police to try and get the photos off the web . Don't be afraid you were not at fault here he was. This is not normal behavior for a relationship

OP well done on the steps you have taken so far. You will need time to let this sink in.

Do you have a friend or sibling you could share this with? I know you are embarrassed of his actions, but I think having some help to work through this will be really helpful for you.

They will help you understand the gravity of what has happened and can be a soundboard for your decisions.

You don't have to telll them today etc but at some point I think you should.

@Motnight

Fuckitfuckit please don't put any blame on the Op for what her husband may do in the future.

Op, good luck.

Usually. I would agree, but given that OP knows about all these other women, she is now complicit if she says nothing.

Get him to show you the pictures of other peoples wives you have been looking at.
Then find them on Facebook.
Tell them what's been going on.
Divorce your husband

What's the name of the group she shared your photos too as this group needs reporting to the police, you have been utterly violated and I bet there are hundreds more woman on there against their consent or knowledge.

What your husband has done is deeply sickening. Please report him and the group because it needs shutting down.

Your husband is not well . He obviously has no boundaries of any kind and no respect for you whatsoever . This is a total violation of you on every level . People have relationship issues , some I understand some I don’t but I honestly don’t know how you can be in the same space as him . I’d never be able to trust him , much less go to sleep next to him ever again .
As pp have pointed out , if you had kids , what’s to stop him doing it with them . He’s really sick !!!!

Really, she's not. Please don't blame a victim for choosing how best to deal with her situation.

So sorry this had happened to you @feelingexposed 😓

If he had only posted pictures you had consented to being taken, that would have been horrific enough. The fact he’s taking pictures when you’re completely unaware and posting then is absolutely vile. As others have said, this is a crime and should be treated as such! Well done for taking the steps you have taken so far! Please talk to someone in real life about this too. You have nothing to be ashamed of here. You have been the victim of a crime!!

Sorry my comment below was to Butwasitherdriveway.

@Motnight

Really, she's not. Please don't blame a victim for choosing how best to deal with her situation.

But she is.

I wouldn't normally, but on this occasion, she is making the choice for all these women she now knows about it.

You’re doing really well OP. I can’t imagine what a shock it must be, especially when everything seemed normal and you were happy. It’s hard to switch feelings off and accept the new reality.

Please don’t ever feel embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong. He is a sneaky, criminal pervert and you are his victim. He’s the only one who should be feeling shame.

Tbh, from what you have written, I don’t think he’s particularly remorseful and nor does he think he’s done wrong. You are absolutely right to leave him. Well done for making that decision. Give yourself a bit of time and think about telling some trusted friends. It will help to talk about this irl. Also, give yourself time to think about reporting to the police. You can change your mind about that whenever. This man is a liar and you probably don’t know the half of what he’s been up to. You don’t owe him anything.

Well done OP. Maybe when you are clear of him you will find your anger. I don't think he has ever actually loved you. He's treated you as an object, not as a human being.

Op, it makes sense ypubfeep as you do. You are in shock and have a lot to process. I think you have made the right decision in telling him to fo to his mother's.

If a friend told me this, I would be horrified for her. I wouldn't judge her.

Can I suggest you write down as much detail as you can so that you have it available if you decide to contact the police in future.

Part of feeling like you still love him is also the shock. It will take a while for the reality of who you thought he was vs who he actually is to reconcile.

Good god PLEASE do not consider having a child with this man! What he has done is beyond creepy, and is actually illegal. If you reported him to the police he would be charged and put on a sex offenders register. For the love of god do not bring a child into the situation. This is absolutely disgusting and I am so sorry for you and the betrayal.

I too think you’ve made the right decision.

I also understand why you dint want to talk about it with people in RL. But I think you really need some support in RL. And that you might benefit from talking to a counsellor. You shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened. HE should be deeply ashamed of what he did.

You need to remember that he has been minimizing what happened as much as he could.
I’m not sure you are aware but your OP was very insightful. As you said he was sorry to have been caught. Not of what he did.
He said he sent those photos for the last 2 years, blaming trying for a baby. But he has photos like this over 10 years....
Just like a cheating husband, he is trying to see how much he can get away with. What is he going to manage to make you believe? Just a small blip? Or is it actually part of who he is? Has he been lying to you and breeching your trust for most of your relationship?

All those questions are unsettling. And that’s why I think you need support in RL, someone to talk to about what is happening so you v; get a clearer idea of what is going on.
((Hugs))

Even though you will be divorcing him & don't wish to go to the police, I'm asking you to please do so - if not now but in the future.
If you look at the National Domestic Abuse Helpline web page, you will see that one thing they mention is:
'Tech abuse - he might send you abusive texts, demand access to your devices, track you with spyware or share images of you online'.
If you go to the police you will be protecting any future women he will be involved with.
I'm not sure whether his actions would show up in a future 'Clare's Law' search however if it does, a woman would know exactly what she's dealing with.
I know you have a lot on your plate but please consider this in the future when your life is more stable.
I wish you all the best wishes in the world, keep strong & take care.

I haven't posted for years but felt the need to log in this morning to send a virtual hug, OP. The shock and violation must be absolutely immense.

Sounds like you're also already grieving for what you thought you had and trying to reconcile that with the reality. I know you don't want anyone in 'real life' to know, but you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed by... You have shown strength already by posting on here, and I hope that in time that strength grows to help you work through this.

Here for you.

I've seen some horrific things on here that turned out to be made up. Not always to this extent but many were sexual in nature

It's not that I'm naive enough to think it wouldn't happen and I'm aware things like this do unfortunately happen IRL. On this occasion it's the OPs attitude that didn't ring true but she could well be in shock

I would expect absolute anger & rage but she seems pretty calm. Also if I'd just found this out about my DH, my first thought wouldn't be to post on MN, especially not in a very calm way making claims about how perfect my relationship was. I'd be going absolutely mental, shaking, crying, probably going absolutely pshyco and be on my way to the police station but we are all different

For fuck sake, why is mumsnet allowing these posts? Is it ok to call women liars when they report sexual abuse on here now?
You’re not judge and jury, and your attitude of “she’s not behaving as I think she should” is exactly what gets so many rapists off. Disgusting that this is allowed.

Please reconsider going to the police. If you just quietly divorce he could continue to upload your pictures to these sites, perhaps even with your real name on them as revenge. The police can find all the pictures and ensure they are taken down, plus he will not be able to post any more pictures of you.

You don't need to tell your family or friends, I understand your worry that people might go and look for them , but the police can help, both by helping you and in getting the site taken down permanently to help all the other women on there being abused by their husbands.

This is horrifying, your husband is absolute scum. Please protect yourself from him.

@Naunet

I've seen some horrific things on here that turned out to be made up. Not always to this extent but many were sexual in nature

It's not that I'm naive enough to think it wouldn't happen and I'm aware things like this do unfortunately happen IRL. On this occasion it's the OPs attitude that didn't ring true but she could well be in shock

I would expect absolute anger & rage but she seems pretty calm. Also if I'd just found this out about my DH, my first thought wouldn't be to post on MN, especially not in a very calm way making claims about how perfect my relationship was. I'd be going absolutely mental, shaking, crying, probably going absolutely pshyco and be on my way to the police station but we are all different

For fuck sake, why is mumsnet allowing these posts? Is it ok to call women liars when they report sexual abuse on here now?
You’re not judge and jury, and your attitude of “she’s not behaving as I think she should” is exactly what gets so many rapists off. Disgusting that this is allowed.

If you've been on MN a while you wil see many posts like this that sadly turn out not to be true.