Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

[quote Alcemeg]@theleafandnotthetree
You keep saving me an awful lot of typing because you say what I want to say, better than I could. [/quote]
Thank you @Alcemeg

@theleafandnotthetree
Reverse the thread and then come back and say it is a low thing to say.
People like you will be falling over themselves to call OP’s husband all the names they could think of. Just because it happened to a man doesn’t make your attitude right.

[quote SausageDogSandwich]@theleafandnotthetree

I don't think I am a better person at all. I just said that I couldn't leave my own relationship given the circumstances.

None of us know how life will pan out. I work with people whose lives have been impacted by illness and disability. I can't begin to explain some of the shit that people go through.

I just said consider how you would feel if it was you facing life on your own with a long term illness or disability. It's not beyond the realms of possibility. Most of the people I work never imagined in a million years that their lives would have changed beyond recognition. Illness and disability doesn't discriminate.[/quote]
Oh believe me I know how life can change in often calamitous ways and, like anyone would want support and kindness and care from the people I care about and who care about me. But as I have said before, I know myself well enough to know that I would categorically not want someone to feel tied and obliged and living a kind of half-life if their heart wasn't in it. And I'm afraid a sense of obligation is a poor basis for long-term happiness in a relationship.

@theleafandnotthetree
I have seen some shit in life, including some arrangements that will sound quite odd to people like you. But they worked incredibly well and everyone, including the disabled persons, came out very well. Life does not throw binary choices at us and we are endowed with an incredible brain as a specie.

Something for you to consider:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/remyblumenfeld/2020/03/21/how-a-15000-year-old-human-bone-could-help-you-through-the--coronavirus/amp/

[quote Thewithesarehere]@theleafandnotthetree
Reverse the thread and then come back and say it is a low thing to say.
People like you will be falling over themselves to call OP’s husband all the names they could think of. Just because it happened to a man doesn’t make your attitude right.[/quote]
I would be saying almost identical things if the sexes were reversed actually. I dont know what a person like me is but I usually refrain from calling anybody all the names under the sun and if anything I would be a poster who rails against the tendency to automatically take the woman's side. I look on this as a scenario between two people, no good guys or bad guys, just opportunities to handle this is in a way which respects both of their needs and their perspectives. He matters but so does she.

@theleafandnotthetree
You may be an exception (if you say so, I haven’t tested it so can’t just take your word for it), but I have been here a long time and seen time and again how Mumsnet has a set of posters who are inherently biased.

[quote Thewithesarehere]@theleafandnotthetree
You may be an exception (if you say so, I haven’t tested it so can’t just take your word for it), but I have been here a long time and seen time and again how Mumsnet has a set of posters who are inherently biased.[/quote]
I do know what you mean and it drives me nuts too but take my word for it, I try my very best to look at each situation on a case by case basis.

@theleafandnotthetree

Some awful responses on this thread.

OP, you are not obliged to stay in any relationship that you are unhappy in. It doesn't matter what the reasons are really. If you were truly in love then you would never ever consider leaving, but people think you should stay just because he didn't choose his illness, that's bullshit.

I stayed in a relationship for over 10 years because my ex had mental health issues and would threaten suicide and so on, I know many have been in the same boat and obviously there can be a manipulative side to those cases which won't be the case with physical illness, but I stayed because I felt obligated to and it has caused me a lot of emotional harm and it wasn't fair and I wish I had people to tell me to get out if I wasn't happy and that I wasn't obligated to look after him.

Also if I was ever in a situation where I was ill I would never want a partner to stay with me out of obligation, never. Obviously with kids involved I would expect support and so on but I would never in a million years want or expect someone to stay with me out of obligation.

[quote Trustisamust]@Sakurami The condition is life-long. So although he could have "stable" periods, his dysfunctions are permanent.
I just feel so detached from him. There is very little intimacy in our relationship any more.[/quote]
For better for Worse

Good job you didnt marry then eh..

*For better for Worse

Good job you didnt marry then eh..*

Marriages should be about love. No one should feel trapped in a relationship that they don't want to be in.

[quote Thewithesarehere]@theleafandnotthetree
Reverse the thread and then come back and say it is a low thing to say.
People like you will be falling over themselves to call OP’s husband all the names they could think of. Just because it happened to a man doesn’t make your attitude right.[/quote]
Completely.

He's 46. He's gone from being in good health to having two major operations and a being diagnosed with a rare syndrome. His sexual function and bowel/bladder functions have been impaired. His mobility is poor expecially in the mornings. His relationship has suffered. The woman who loved him enough to want to marry him and have a child with him is now considering leaving him. It can't get more shit for him, can it?

Put yourself first, op. You clearly don't love him.

What do people actually get out of telling the OP she doesn't really love him?

OP from your posts it comes across that you have already decided to leave your dp. How do you see your life working if you split up...
Can you afford to run two households?
Will you be able to access social housing for yourself and your three children? How about dp?
Will dp be able to share the care of his child? It will be good for your dd if he can be as fully and actively involved in her life as possible since he seems to be a good father.
How will you facilitate hook ups, will you pay a baby sitter? Will there be holidays if you are living on one low income?
Will you have more or less energy and sleep if you split up?

@gutful

This sounds like a really difficult & unenviable situation. You have a child so that is arguably the biggest commitment. You are both committed to your child.

But at the end of the day you haven’t married or made vows.

You are allowed to leave & nobody can. Judge till they have walked in your shoes.

You could well end up becoming his carer. If you don’t feel that urge for lifetime commitment & just grateful he is alive and devoted to his care, think you need to make a difficult choice or you will become a martyr.

You only get one life...

This.

Thank goodness for people like @theleafandnotthetree on this thread to counter the absolute shit that is being thrown at poor OP.
All this rubbish about you married him (technically incorrect) 'for better or worse'. Do you say the same rubbish to all the divorcees who didn't stay together 'till death do us part'? And the suggestions that piv is not important because anyway you can't orgasm that way
Like @HazelBite I think you should take a little time to take stock. Definitely get some counselling for you, or at least a supportive friend - this is a huge lifechange you are going through and you need someone to talk to about it. Absolutely have as an option that you can leave him. Take the pressure off yourself that it's not something you can do. You're not even married to him and you don't need to listen to anyone else that says they couldn't do it. They're not you. It's not their life .... another 40 years of it. They don't know him either. How he's changed. How much effort he is making to make things better for you. What your day to day is like. How much it is going to affect your child's life.
There are some half way house options you could consider too. Let counselling help you explore these in a non judgmental way.
But above all give yourself time and give yourself permission to feel however you feel. And do what is best for you and your baby.

@SnuggyBuggy

What do people actually get out of telling the OP she doesn't really love him?

The Op has posted 62 times. The only reference to love she has made is, 'he's not the man I fell in love with.'

@Thewithesarehere

This is such a sad thread. During the nine months you carried that baby and then during childbirth, you could have been hit by quite a few situations that could have left you disabled. Life is not fair. Neither are you and if you leave, your child will tell this to you one day.

Really? My kids tell me I should have left.

@SausageDogSandwich but what do people get out of posting stuff like that? Does it make them feel good?

[quote SnuggyBuggy]@SausageDogSandwich but what do people get out of posting stuff like that? Does it make them feel good?[/quote]
To bring it home to OP, who may be u willing to face up to it.

Do people genuinely think their Dinsey like protestations of love conquering all will work?

@SnuggyBuggy

Do people genuinely think their Dinsey like protestations of love conquering all will work?

No it’s the opposite. If she faces up to not loving him she can understand why others might stay when she does not want to. That gives her the freedom to move on.