Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

@ClafoutisSurprise

This thread represents the very worst of MN.

And I don’t mean the measured and thoughtful comments from ancientgran, tightwad, midday and others.

The emotive language (getting rid, ditching), the crass references to op’s intimacy concerns (“working genitalia”), the dramatic exaggeration (five minutes, a minute, immediately - doubt the last eight months has felt like that for op) and the withering judgement on the relationship (“Poor guy, you must never have really loved him” - if that is true, and we don’t know, it’s not a moral failing to realise that) are just revolting. And, as a pp astutely noted, a projection of the poster’s own fears rather than an effort to really consider this situation.

Do these posters think they’re helping anyone at all? Including op’s partner?

These posts just make me realise that I would never, ever advise anyone to turn to these forums for advice or support if they were struggling with something. Counselling all the way for neutral and constructive support - what a shame it’s not accessible for everyone.

I have not been in or close to a situation like this in either capacity (clicked on title thinking it was about something else) so I have nothing helpful to add for the op, but I just cant read this horrible thread without comment. Op - you should know there are many people who are not judging you and are hoping you take the decisions that are best for you, whatever that looks like.

SO TRUE. @ClafoutisSurprise you've just summed up my feelings on this thread too.

I would never advise anyone to turn to Mumsnet for advice or support on anything other than the most mundane, emotionless and uncontroversial of matters, and it makes me sad to say that, because there are many posters here happy to give genuine advice and support, but the pilers-on ruin it for everybody.

I hope those who have been nasty to the OP are really proud of themselves. slow handclap Some really disgusting comments are being made.

OP this is very, very tough for you both. I have no personal experience of this situation but I just wanted to say that some of us on this thread can see how hard this must be and aren't interested in attacking you. Please don't let the pilers-on get to you. MN is a snakepit sometimes.

@Alcemeg

bbbbccccc... (etc) seems to have hijacked this entire thread for some reason. It's obviously sparked something, possibly resentment?

Another PP has commented what a lot of the critical voices on here seem to be thinking: "If she really loved him, she wouldn’t dream of leaving. Love isn’t an adjective -- it’s a verb."

Excuse me while I gag into a bucket, but love can be expressed in many ways. They don't all involve sex, just like they don't all involve living with someone or being their carer.

Also, love is not a sacrificial one-way process. If I were her partner, and loved her very much, I would encourage her not to feel tied to me for the rest of her life. I'd be looking for ways to continue a supportive loving relationship that did not exclude all other possibilities for her future happiness.

Not remotely. No resentment here. I have been caring for someone for majority of my life. And its fine for me to mention that, its a different type of caring role ancientgran. I mentioned it because its a relevant experience regarding the dynamic of caring. Also its not hijacking to respond to messages.

Fair enough, @bbbbbbbbbccccc... "hijacking" is the wrong word... you just seem determined to be harsh on the OP. Which is puzzling, considering your own history. I couldn't help wondering if you feel angry with her for talking about the potential to exercise choice, when perhaps you never had that luxury.

[quote AaSaat]@ancientgran thank you. Your comment to ask the carer how they feel is something I have not thought about. All our focus has been elsewhere but I will make sure to put that right. Thank you again you have been very helpful x[/quote]
Thank you, you won't know how much it means but it is such a thoughtful thing to do and it means alot.

@Trustisamust
Applying for a council house, it is irrelevant that you work, the need is your DHs disability, definitely get an application in asap and for PIP, there’s a lot of support out there, no need to struggle. Your DH can also get support through Access to Work.

That's so sad. I wonder whether, although as you have said this is a lifelong condition, there might be an improvement when there is more sleep and less stress. The stress of the new relationship and health problems mixed in with a baby... it's so much to deal with.

It is probably too much to make any decisions right now.

And for what is worth you do not sound like a horrible person at all. You feel that many of the great parts of your relationship have gone, that would make most people very sad and lonely too. Perhaps with a little time things will become clearer for you.

That’s hard. Both your lives have changed, I have no words of advice. I’m so sorry you are both going through this.

@Alcemeg

Fair enough, *@bbbbbbbbbccccc*... "hijacking" is the wrong word... you just seem determined to be harsh on the OP. Which is puzzling, considering your own history. I couldn't help wondering if you feel angry with her for talking about the potential to exercise choice, when perhaps you never had that luxury.

Oh I had the 'luxury' not to support Mum. Particularly as an adult. However I have been there for her over the years as her main carer. Made sure she had the support she needed even if I couldn't provide it in person because I was a single parent, I saw the main goal was to to keep her safe and provide as much security as possible. That's been my role for decades now. Its different to a personal romantic carer relationship but it has the power dynamic shift that is similar. People kept tagging me in so I responded it not because I have a 'vendetta' or anything sinister. My messages were certainly not harsh in comparison to some on this thread because I recognise its tough to be in the caring role. I have not risen to goady comments as I have spent a long time observing MN and know exactly what people are like on here. They love a bunfight, best not to rise to it. My main point is that time allows perspective whereas in the immediate aftermath of a trauma it is very hard to have perspective when both people in the primary relationship are in shock. At no point have I suggested the OP remain in the relationship long term once the dust has settled, the benefits are in place and support services have been utilised. I have also suggested that a person's sex life can be creative even after trauma to the spine or genital area. PIV is not the only enjoyable part of a sexual relationship. I have a lot of empathy for those who find themselves in excruciating pain it is unbelievably horrible (so yep Im 'Im a peach' for feeling sad that a fellow human is experiencing that)

Regarding the 'friends and family' comment. If the OP thinks she is going to leave in the short term it is important that friends and family are encouraged to also provide support and to step up now. That's practical advice. It sounds like the op's partner is going to need that support if she leaves he sounds quite vulnerable atm.

This thread has hit home with me and made me feel so sad. I am the partner who has 'changed' and got a debilitating illness. It kills me to think my dp could be thinking along the same lines as the op

@bbbbbbbbbccccc Thanks for clarifying. That makes sense, I got a completely different impression from your earlier posts!

[quote Alcemeg]@bbbbbbbbbccccc Thanks for clarifying. That makes sense, I got a completely different impression from your earlier posts!

[/quote]
No problem. Thats Mumsnet people love to come on here swinging. Its water off a ducks back to me. Mostly I ignore them but I had time to respond today

@optimistic40

That's so sad. I wonder whether, although as you have said this is a lifelong condition, there might be an improvement when there is more sleep and less stress. The stress of the new relationship and health problems mixed in with a baby... it's so much to deal with.

It is probably too much to make any decisions right now.

And for what is worth you do not sound like a horrible person at all. You feel that many of the great parts of your relationship have gone, that would make most people very sad and lonely too. Perhaps with a little time things will become clearer for you.

My experience is it gets worse but I suppose that is over a long period. Having said that my DH has done better than they predicted, he can still walk and they predicted he would be in a wheelchair within 10 years and possibly lose the use of his arms as well so the fact that he can walk a short distance is a positive. For some reason neither of us believed that, not sure where it came from but we never expected him to be in a wheelchair so soon. A couple of years ago he did have a very bad spell and it looked likely but the deterioration suddenly seemed to stop and he still manages.

I have been in a similar position. My husband had a long term condition which worsened over time. We had 2 young sons together. In the end, we had no intimacy and couldn’t even go out of the house together as he had mobility issues but refused to use a wheelchair. It took me over a decade of heartache, relationship counselling and horrific loneliness to decide to leave.

It was not an easy decision to make but it was the best thing for everyone. We are friends now (it’s taken a few years) and he says he is happier on his own as it was too difficult juggling family life with his health condition. I am with someone else and my sons were upset when we divorced but we got through it and now they are fine.

I don’t think anyone can truly understand how it feels to be in your position unless they have experienced it themselves. Living a life of celibacy is a lot of sacrifice to make and if it’s going to make you lonely and resentful then it’s best all round to move on. You only have one life after all and your son will be looking to your relationship with his dad as a model of how relationships should be as he grows up. My biggest regret is that I didn’t end the relationship sooner. I wouldn’t wish what you are going through as a family on anyone, it really is hard.

As a nurse I have seen very young people left with life long disabilities in the form of MS, stroke etc. I appreciate it is difficult for all involved as it puts a huge strain on all close relationships. I would just say, put yourself in his shoes and think what you would like to happen if it were the other way around.

@HaveringWavering. Well I think it is true about the venom on this thread, some awful responses here. Sometimes it's not always what is said, it's the way people say it. Some responses are overly personal against the OP. Thankfully many others have more tact and sensitivity.

@LemonPeonies

As a nurse I have seen very young people left with life long disabilities in the form of MS, stroke etc. I appreciate it is difficult for all involved as it puts a huge strain on all close relationships. I would just say, put yourself in his shoes and think what you would like to happen if it were the other way around.

So if he wants it she should sacrifice her life even if it isn't what she wants. Where does that end? Do we ever get to put ourselves first?

@LST

This thread has hit home with me and made me feel so sad. I am the partner who has 'changed' and got a debilitating illness. It kills me to think my dp could be thinking along the same lines as the op

Every relationship is different and I don't think you can assume anything about what your partner is thinking. However, it is very useful for both sides, the new 'carer' and 'cared for', to try very hard to see things from the others point of view. Although much of this thread is unnecessary vitriolic and cruel IMO at least it does show the depth of feelings created.

@LemonPeonies

As a nurse I have seen very young people left with life long disabilities in the form of MS, stroke etc. I appreciate it is difficult for all involved as it puts a huge strain on all close relationships. I would just say, put yourself in his shoes and think what you would like to happen if it were the other way around.

What I would like to happen if it were the other way round was for the person I loved to go and live a full life, I would not want to be overwhelmingly a burden to somebody. There could still be love, care, co-parenting but also realism that the fundamentals had changed and that I couldn't be the spouse I wanted to be. In a case such as the OPs, I would of course like if my spouse gave it some time and took some efforts for us both to figure out if it could work and would be a friend to me but ultimately I would no way judge them for not wanting to be with me in the conventional sense of the word

How sad. I love DH with every fibre of my being. If anything happened to him I would stand by him regardless.

How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? If you became ill and incapacitated? Would you want him to stand by you or would you happily wave him off into the sunset with a young nubile dolly while you struggle with mobility problems and reduced income?

@SausageDogSandwich

How sad. I love DH with every fibre of my being. If anything happened to him I would stand by him regardless.

How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? If you became ill and incapacitated? Would you want him to stand by you or would you happily wave him off into the sunset with a young nubile dolly while you struggle with mobility problems and reduced income?

Well you are clearly a better person than the OP @SausageDogSandwich, is that what you want to be told? Or that you are so special as to love your DH with 'every fibre of your being', whatever that means. The point is that the shoe isnt on the other foot and the OP shouldn't make a decision of such far-reaching import based on what her husband might do in similar circumstances. As others have noted, men are typically far more likely to head off into the sunset so following that train of thought isnt likely to lead her to the outcome you deem the right one. I am sure you genuinely believe what you believe about your own response if faced with the OPs circumstances but I consider it a failure of both imagination and empathy to not be able to see how a good person could at the very least be experiencing big problems adjusting, grief for the life she thought she'd have and doubts as to whether she can do this.

@theleafandnotthetree
You keep saving me an awful lot of typing because you say what I want to say, better than I could.

This is such a sad thread. During the nine months you carried that baby and then during childbirth, you could have been hit by quite a few situations that could have left you disabled.
Life is not fair. Neither are you and if you leave, your child will tell this to you one day.

@Thewithesarehere

This is such a sad thread. During the nine months you carried that baby and then during childbirth, you could have been hit by quite a few situations that could have left you disabled. Life is not fair. Neither are you and if you leave, your child will tell this to you one day.

That is really a very low thing to say and you have absolutely know way of knowing that to be the case. There are a million permutations in a scenarion like this. You could equally say that if the OP stays and their marriage is very unhappy or the partners care needs become overwhelming, that their child might wish that they had seperated respectfully but remained on good and mutually supportive terms. This is not a Victorian novel where the OP is proposing to toss her partner in the poorhouse and throw away the key. She is trying to find a way through a difficult situation with a partner who she has, in relative terms, not been with very long. I don't know what I would do in her situation and for all some people's sanctimony, most people dont know either

@theleafandnotthetree

I don't think I am a better person at all. I just said that I couldn't leave my own relationship given the circumstances.

None of us know how life will pan out. I work with people whose lives have been impacted by illness and disability. I can't begin to explain some of the shit that people go through.

I just said consider how you would feel if it was you facing life on your own with a long term illness or disability. It's not beyond the realms of possibility. Most of the people I work never imagined in a million years that their lives would have changed beyond recognition. Illness and disability doesn't discriminate.