Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

I think people who talk about how empathetic they are are a lot like people that talk about how honest they are.

The OPs partner is trying to support the family by working full time and is attempting to do fun things with the family. He requires some time for him to be able to have the opportunity to work with his partner on the relationship clearly he is working to the best of his abilities at the moment. When supports are in place this could significantly improve the relationship dynamic.

So which bit about allowing your relationship some time in order to understand the nature of the trauma before a decision is made is unempathetic?

You are not in her head or in her life. She gets to decide that. She gets to decide if she knows NOW that this cannot work for her. She gets to decide if waiting - whether five years or three years or whatever your reduced amount is now to make you sound more reasonable.- is just throwing good time after bad.

And you haven't just been saying that have you? You have been saying, frankly bitchy, things like ' I feel so sad for your partner. I really hope he has good friends and family as I feel he is going to need them'. That is called putting the boot in when someone is already down. Its out and out nasty and exactly the opposite of what a genuinely empathetic person would do. That is why people on here have reacted so strongly against you. Not for the 'wait a bit thing' but for the sheer nastiness you have shown.

@MiddayMadDog

Enjoy the wall

You really, really are horrible.

She's decorating it. Perhaps she likes decorating.

@bbbbbbbbbccccc

The OPs partner is trying to support the family by working full time and is attempting to do fun things with the family. He requires some time for him to be able to have the opportunity to work with his partner on the relationship clearly he is working to the best of his abilities at the moment. When supports are in place this could significantly improve the relationship dynamic.

No he isn't. He's supposed to be using crutches but he won't use them. He's supposed to be doing exercises but he's not.

Don't make stuff up to suit your narrative.

@MiddayMadDog

So which bit about allowing your relationship some time in order to understand the nature of the trauma before a decision is made is unempathetic?

You are not in her head or in her life. She gets to decide that. She gets to decide if she knows NOW that this cannot work for her. She gets to decide if waiting - whether five years or three years or whatever your reduced amount is now to make you sound more reasonable.- is just throwing good time after bad.

And you haven't just been saying that have you? You have been saying, frankly bitchy, things like ' I feel so sad for your partner. I really hope he has good friends and family as I feel he is going to need them'. That is called putting the boot in when someone is already down. Its out and out nasty and exactly the opposite of what a genuinely empathetic person would do. That is why people on here have reacted so strongly against you. Not for the 'wait a bit thing' but for the sheer nastiness you have shown.

I really do hope he has good family and friends. He will need it the road to recovery is tough after this type of trauma. And its absolutely fine to offer advice after all that is what you are attempting to do also. Or is it only ok for people such as yourself to offer that? That's absolutely a judgemental stance from yourself right there.

Clymene She has also said he is working full time and doing fun things for the family. Not making it up. Have a read.

If the person you love changes over time, you continue to love the changed version.

This really is nonsense.

And the disgusting thing is if this was the other way round and your dp was trying to leave you after birth he would be called all sorts. But it's okay for you to consider ditching him in his greatest time of need because the idea of your relationship not being the same is too much for you. Yes your not married but you are engaged to him. Which means when you said yes you were willing to commit and be with this person through thick and thin. What happened to that? Why are you getting cold feet. You dont know what life holds or has in store for you both in a couple years time. You may find sex may not matter to you that much anymore, you may find you both drift apart, you both may find other ways to please and give each other a fulfilling relationship sexually and emotionally. I just cant believe what I'm reading I really feel for this man. And I hope if your generally that concerned for yourself that you at least do one selfless thing and let this poor man go so he can try to recover from that and his illness.

@ancientgran Looking at your posts if anyone has a perspective on this then you certainly do.

Did you have doubts or misgivings that you were doing the right thing?

thank you if you chose to respond x

bbbbccccc... (etc) seems to have hijacked this entire thread for some reason. It's obviously sparked something, possibly resentment?

Another PP has commented what a lot of the critical voices on here seem to be thinking: "If she really loved him, she wouldn’t dream of leaving. Love isn’t an adjective -- it’s a verb."

Excuse me while I gag into a bucket, but love can be expressed in many ways. They don't all involve sex, just like they don't all involve living with someone or being their carer.

Also, love is not a sacrificial one-way process. If I were her partner, and loved her very much, I would encourage her not to feel tied to me for the rest of her life. I'd be looking for ways to continue a supportive loving relationship that did not exclude all other possibilities for her future happiness.

But the truth is, you will get over that feeling of guilt REALLY fast.
As someone older in a similar situation who decided to stay, my advice is: RUN.

Bloody hell...

Why bloody hell though - nobody knows this poster’s circumstances or what her caring life has been like - or what her relationship is like...

@bbbbbbbbbccccc

Acientgran Ive been my mother's carer since I was 17 year old so longer than you. So I know quite a bit about caring and the dynamic. Thanks.

An astonishingly empathy / kindness free response to someone mentioning they have been a carer to a partner for 30 years.

It must have been really tough being a young carer and it was kind of you to step up at such a young age. A couple of my friends were young carer and I appreciate how all consuming it can be.

That doesn't give you the right to keep telling people they are unkind and lack empathy when you send shitty replies like this to people yourself.

Especially when being a carer for a partner is a totally different dynamic to a child / parent one (even where the child is an adult).

[quote AaSaat]@ancientgran Looking at your posts if anyone has a perspective on this then you certainly do.

Did you have doubts or misgivings that you were doing the right thing?

thank you if you chose to respond x[/quote]
I didn't if I am honest. He had been in pain for some months, I carried my own bag into hospital when I was in labour as he struggled along beside me. I spent part of my labour worrying about him and finally persuaded him to go home so I could get on with it. Ten days later we saw his Consultant who was really uncomfortable telling us the news as I sat there with a new born in my arms, I felt so sorry for him.

In truth I felt sorry for everyone but me. I was young and strong I could do it, I could cope with the baby and the toddler and the teenagers, I could go back to work and earn money and I could be a carer. I was too naive too understand what I was taking on. We were lucky in that he got a good pension and was able to retire, I don't know how he'd have coped if he'd had to carry on at work and I think it would have made his deterioration much faster.

It changes your relationship so much and in so many ways and of course it gets worse as we all get aches and pains as we get older and the"fit" one gets worn out.

You have to live with the decision, no one can tell the OP what is right for her or her partner. There isn't a fairytale answer for any of us.

As I said a bit earlier if you know a carer ask how they are because it means alot.

I really do hope he has good family and friends

The pretence that you were merely making a neutral comment back there really is something to behold.

[quote tiredmum2468]@Trustisamust
How would you feel if it was you with these issues and he's posted saying these things you are saying?
I'd be heartbroken it isn't his fault he's ill and moaning about lack of intimacy etc... when he must be worried sick is very unkind.[/quote]
She is probably heartbroken and it isn't her fault either, maybe think about being kind to her.

@bbbbbbbbbccccc Wow. You're a real peach ...

@SouthernBounce

I was told a story recently of a couple getting together as youngsters. The girl fell very ill and had a long hospital stay, it was the last she saw of him, he never visited, not once.

Decades later, she had long since made a full recovery and was now working as a nurse in a hospital. Her former partner is admitted as one of her patients, gravely ill with diabetes which has had the worst possible impact including blindness.
It transpires he had been utterly alone during his illness and had been for a long time, no one ever came to visit him.
Even so, feeling sorry for him, she was still kind enough to give him care above and beyond what was expected of her, she would never have wished that on him or anyone, but fate had other ideas.

We never know when the shoe might end up on the other foot.

A story? So was it made up?

This thread represents the very worst of MN.

And I don’t mean the measured and thoughtful comments from ancientgran, tightwad, midday and others.

The emotive language (getting rid, ditching), the crass references to op’s intimacy concerns (“working genitalia”), the dramatic exaggeration (five minutes, a minute, immediately - doubt the last eight months has felt like that for op) and the withering judgement on the relationship (“Poor guy, you must never have really loved him” - if that is true, and we don’t know, it’s not a moral failing to realise that) are just revolting. And, as a pp astutely noted, a projection of the poster’s own fears rather than an effort to really consider this situation.

Do these posters think they’re helping anyone at all? Including op’s partner?

These posts just make me realise that I would never, ever advise anyone to turn to these forums for advice or support if they were struggling with something. Counselling all the way for neutral and constructive support - what a shame it’s not accessible for everyone.

I have not been in or close to a situation like this in either capacity (clicked on title thinking it was about something else) so I have nothing helpful to add for the op, but I just cant read this horrible thread without comment. Op - you should know there are many people who are not judging you and are hoping you take the decisions that are best for you, whatever that looks like.

As others have alluded to, there are many options for you both inbetween carrying on as you are, keeping your fears and doubts to yourself, sacrificing all perfectly normal expectations for yourself, etc and walking out the door next week. I think the expectation of some posters that you (or the vast majority of people finding themselves in this scenario) would gracefully accept it and lovingly carry the burden unquestioningly forever is very naive and unfair. Your partner is also unfair and lacking in empathy for you if HE expects it. There are hard questions to be asked and answered, counselling, practical supports put in place, a whole plethora of potential actions which could give you a clearer idea of where things stand and how both your lives could unfold. This will all enable you to make clear-eyed decisions based on good information and honest communication NOT on some peoples expectations of what either of should do.

I'm pretty sure he could get some benefits. It seems ridiculous that he's capable of working f/t but has nothing left to give when he gets home. That's no life for him. Would he consider being a stay at home Dad? Both need to look at ways to help balance the work/life stuff. What's going to happen when your DC is a toddler and what about days out? Would there be no family trips to the seaside, zoo, parks or even holidays etc?

You don't have to stay in this relationship for any reason. What's happened is permanent. You've only been together 4 yrs. If you'd been together many yrs and this happened, you'd feel different I'm sure. You would have had a solid base to your relationship, many years of happy memories and lots of mutual love and support to think back on.

@ancientgran thank you. Your comment to ask the carer how they feel is something I have not thought about. All our focus has been elsewhere but I will make sure to put that right. Thank you again you have been very helpful x

What a shame that another thread which could have been constructive and supportive has turned into a bun fight. OP your situation sounds very painful and I hope you find a way through. I would suggest taking your time and explore ways this could work going forward. You need to talk to your DP about it and maybe get some counselling too. You're not being callous feeling the way you do, sexual intimacy is important and I wouldn't feel able to spend my entire life with someone, as a couple, if it's not even a possibility. But I would say that as everything's been so difficult recently with covid and you've had a baby just eight months ago, don't make any hasty decisions. There may be more possibilities you can explore together over time. And if not, or your partner isn't able to/willing to do that then ultimately you may choose to end the relationship and move on as co-parents and friends. I hope you're able to get a break from things at times and you have good support irl. Look after yourself .

@DancesWithCatsnDogs

I'm pretty sure he could get some benefits. It seems ridiculous that he's capable of working f/t but has nothing left to give when he gets home. That's no life for him. Would he consider being a stay at home Dad? Both need to look at ways to help balance the work/life stuff. What's going to happen when your DC is a toddler and what about days out? Would there be no family trips to the seaside, zoo, parks or even holidays etc?

You don't have to stay in this relationship for any reason. What's happened is permanent. You've only been together 4 yrs. If you'd been together many yrs and this happened, you'd feel different I'm sure. You would have had a solid base to your relationship, many years of happy memories and lots of mutual love and support to think back on.

I do agree that the relatively short length of the relationship is very relevant here. There hasn't been a huge number of years to 'bank' great experiences, for each to have supported each other through the vicissitudes of life, for the OP to have 'had it good' in terms of all the things she talks about, including sex. To put it very crudely, for an 'investment' of 4 years or so, she is potentially going to have a severely compromised life across multiple dimensions- workload, leisure time, intimacy, parental responsibility etc..for the forseeable future. That is very rough on her and Im sure even the most ardent ''but if you love him' crowd can see the difference between simething like this happening in a couple who have been together 30 years and raised a family together and the OPs situation.