Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

Really? Because a lot of just sounds like people getting a kick out of sticking the boot in.

Me too @theleafandnotthetree:)

@SnuggyBuggy

Really? Because a lot of just sounds like people getting a kick out of sticking the boot in.

You say that because you automatically read not loving him as something she should feel guilty about. But people fall out of love all the time, it happens and is not something that a person should be criticised for as long as they are honest with the other person.

That's not the vibe I'm getting at all from these comments.

@ancientgran
Read my later posts. There are other ways of leaving but not leaving. I have seen both sides of that situation: one where one partner dumped the other as soon as they realised there ‘may’ be some (pretty minor) issues (they already had children from their previous marriage) and another one where the spouse of the person who became severely disabled sat down and came up with a solid plan that is still working, done 70 years down the line.
We, as humans, are capable of making incredibly versatile and good decisions that can work out for everyone.

[quote Thewithesarehere]@ancientgran
Read my later posts. There are other ways of leaving but not leaving. I have seen both sides of that situation: one where one partner dumped the other as soon as they realised there ‘may’ be some (pretty minor) issues (they already had children from their previous marriage) and another one where the spouse of the person who became severely disabled sat down and came up with a solid plan that is still working, done 70 years down the line.
We, as humans, are capable of making incredibly versatile and good decisions that can work out for everyone.[/quote]
Absolutely, there are a myriad of ways in which this can be handled which give due account of the feelings and needs of both people and of course their daughter and the OPs other children (and I think they have been largely absent from this discussion). But some posters seem to to deem anything other than complete and utter acceptance of this scenario and endless sacrifice on the OPs part to be evidence of selfishness and of the OP not really loving her partner. I think such an attitude is oversimplistic and perhaps likely to end in worse outcomes in the long run as it would be based on the OP burying her own needs and feelings. And we all know how well that tends to work out....

You are user nicknamegoeshere and I claim my £5.

The only advice I have is not to lurch from one bad relationship to another. Many of your posts I really felt for you with the narc ex, unruly teenage kid etc. I am now getting the strong feeling there are two sides to every story.

@SnuggyBuggy

That's not the vibe I'm getting at all from these comments.

Exactly!! The posts are basically saying you don't love him and you're an awful person!!

I said in my post that she clearly isn't in love with him anymore but to express to her that she should never feel obligated to stay with someone that she isn't in love with despite what others on here are saying!

People wouldn't offer the same advice to their own daughters in this situation and make out well you chose to have a child with him so you're stuck in that situation for life.

[quote Thewithesarehere]@ancientgran
Read my later posts. There are other ways of leaving but not leaving. I have seen both sides of that situation: one where one partner dumped the other as soon as they realised there ‘may’ be some (pretty minor) issues (they already had children from their previous marriage) and another one where the spouse of the person who became severely disabled sat down and came up with a solid plan that is still working, done 70 years down the line.
We, as humans, are capable of making incredibly versatile and good decisions that can work out for everyone.[/quote]
But you stated and if you leave, your child will tell this to you one day and you have no idea if that will be the case. Just because you have decided children will feel that way it really doesn't mean they will.

I agree @ancientgran, no one knows what the child will say in that situation. Perhaps the child will grow up to have a lot of empathy for everyone and not see it as a black and white situation. No one should feel obligated to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in....and i'm sure that there are many disabled people out there who wouldn't want their partner to stay with them out of obligation!!

You need to have a talk with him about your options.

Theres posters on here who seem to think this a phase will pass, it's a syndrome, its permanent.

Permanently no sex, no going out together for dinner? No going on holiday? Forever?
I couldn't do it and my partner wouldn't expect me to do it either.

You could always be in each other's lives and say you can be friends, you can come round and keep him company and see your daughter but just not in a relationship.

If he loves you, he wouldn't expect you to sacrifice so much of your life. It's a lot to ask from somebody.

Hi all. Sorry I haven't been on for a while, but I needed a break from some of the pure vitriol in some of these posts for my own MH. A classic example being from @borgazdnd who correctly identifies I was in an abusive decade-long first marriage and then goes on to refer to making "bad decisions" regarding relationships and saying "there are two sides to every story." Because clearly my fiancé chose to become disabled. Stupid me for making a "bad choice" but I didn't have my crystal ball with me at the time.
For the record, meeting my fiancé was one of the best days of my life. Even if I tried to friend-zone him after our first date purely because I was scared to death of falling in love!
I love my fiancé. Without question. But I also know that he loves me and would absolutely not want me to stay simply out of pity without thought for the needs of myself or others, or expect me to make sacrifices I would regret later on down the road. As women I think we are all too often expected to put everyone else first at all times, without any acknowledgement that we too are worthy individuals with hopes, dreams and wishes of our own. That is not selfish. It's human.
If you have ever seen Ibsen's "A Doll's House", this is expressed so eloquently when the husband tells his wife that she is first and foremost and wife and mother so she must forget that she has a life of her own. If you haven't seen or read it, I recommend you do.
Re a comment asking if I was going to access social housing if I became a single parent. Well I personally find that extremely presumptuous. I left my ex-husband when my kids were just 3 and 6 and worked my arse off so I could privately rent and put food on the table. As I've said before, care of the kids went 50/50 so I didn't get a penny in the way of maintenance. For five years I maintained my financial independence. I didn't (and still don't) rely on a man financially and wouldn't stay with one for favour of a comfortable lifestyle.
When I met my fiancé the years before his illness (although sadly we didn't have many) they were amazing. We had both been in marriages of 10/12 years previously and then single for a number of years so really appreciated what we had found in each other. He saw my two kids as a bonus and never a burden.
Again, I am not ashamed to admit that sex and intimacy has always been an important part of our relationship. I think it sad that some women still seem to think it should less important for us than it is for men. Both myself and my fiancé had been in marriages lacking in sex and intimacy for different reasons, so finding someone at last we both felt compatible with was a total revelation! We always joked with each other that we'd lived our 20's in our 30's/early 40's, and vice versa.
For me in particular, it gave me back so much confidence that had been totally destroyed by my ex-husband. To give you an indication of the extent to which I am talking; I was absolutely terrible at giving my fiancé much eye contact for months. Embarrassingly so. He was sensitive to my shyness, but when he eventually asked me why I found it difficult, I felt able to be honest and tell him that the answer was that I was petrified to show anybody the "real me" in case they didn't like what they saw. My ex-husband's last words to me were (and I remember them like they were said yesterday) were: "Look at yourself. Nobody will ever want you, bitch."
The fact that I had met a man that found me sexy - oh my GOD!! About a year in to our relationship he bought me a gorgeous set of underwear and I cried (he thought I didn't like it!) because it was the first time I'd ever been given a gift like that.
Again, I "wobbled" a bit when I was pregnant but only for about half of a second - my fiancé still made me feel like the sexiest woman alive for the whole nine months - and continued to after the birth of our daughter.
So yes, when his illness had a very sudden impact on our intimacy, it felt (and still does feel), like a huge loss to us both. It's taken away all of the spontaneity and excitement we valued so much.

But like kinder, and far more empathetic posters have suggested, I will give it some time. I know babies are a test of any relationship at the best of times without us having to face this too. So for those of you who have offered gentle suggestions here - thank you.
My fiancé is a brilliant dad and it makes my heart sing when I see him with our daughter. He is so proud. He says to me he still can't believe it when he writes "Daddy" in cards to her. I know without a shadow of a doubt he will always have her best interests at heart, whatever happens.
So for now I will take stock and take time.
Despite everything that has been thrown at us I know I am so very lucky in so many ways.
I know I've rambled - forgive me!
Just finally, I know it's Mumsnet and we are all entitled to our opinions, but please remember that there are real people behind these posts. People that may well be struggling significantly with their mental health. People relying on medication just to survive. People that may already be on a knife-edge or have been in the past. Sticking the boot in without a thought could be the tipping point.
In a world where you can be anything, please be kind.

@Trustisamust, bless you both, it's utterly heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry that in addition to everything you have been dealing with, you've felt the need to defend yourself against attack here. Awful. I couldn't bear to read some of the posts, and they're not even directed at me.

You clearly have a solid foundation there for whatever comes next. Good luck, and wishing you both much happiness in whatever form you choose. 💗💗💗💗💗

@Trustisamust I'm glad you're taking time to process everything, and also glad you can take a step back from some awful comments.

I'm glad my husband doesn't think like you. I'm living with chronic pain and am not the person I was physically. We're still very affectionate even if sex is rare. We have a great relationship, it's just different from what it was but still wonderful.

You sound resentful and like you don't want to try you just want some validation from this post

@endlesscraziness it sounds like she's just processing her thoughts and feelings. It's relatively recent and must have been a tremendous shock to them both.

Somebody mentioned earlier PIP or something like that for if the time comes he has to reduce down and we need to pay the rent etc?

@Trustisamust PP's have probably already said this, but that's not what PIP is for. If someone can't afford living expenses and housing, that can be covered by Universal Credit, including a Support element if they're unable to work long term (this is just an example.)

Someone can be a biillionaire and claiim PIP, it's not dependent on income. It's to cover things he needs due to his illness, for instance it could cover the cost of a cleaner if you think would help, or whatever you think would help.

Get him to claim PIP (you can help him with the forms, or some people find the CAB helpful.) The form comes with a good instruction booklet.

When he has successfully claimed PIP then he could approach the council and they could do an assessment of any other help they can provide.

He might say he feels embarrassed doing this stuff, but he needs to think of you if that gives him extra motivation to do it.

@me4real Thank you so much for the advice.

Thing is, a part of me feels I OUGHT to be able to do everything as he can't?

I've managed all of the housework and laundry etc while I've been on mat leave, but just don't see how I'm going to keep doing it all as well as working ft and doing the childcare/school runs for the three kids (although of course my boys are older).

I don't want to be labelled as lazy.

Thing is, a part of me feels I OUGHT to be able to do everything as he can't? I've managed all of the housework and laundry etc while I've been on mat leave, but just don't see how I'm going to keep doing it all as well as working ft and doing the childcare/school runs for the three kids (although of course my boys are older). I don't want to be labelled as lazy.

You're as far from lazy as it's possible to get. You're only human. Get his PIP and then you can get some help around the house with the money (this will help your relationship too, as even though their OH can't help being ill, anyone would feel resentful eventually doing all of it.)

Are there any family or friends around who could help out in some way in the meantime? It'd be exempt from COVID regs as it's caring for someone who needs it (albeit indirectly if it's housework, stuff with the kids etc.)

How old are your boys? Any chance of them doing some housework?

Imagine if the genders were reversed. He'd be torn to shreds if he was the OP.

@Trustisamust

My other two much older kids live with their dad half of the time. Not my choice, court ordered 7 years ago.

@Trustisamust well he's the children's other parent and just as important in their lives as you are. If you're struggling so much with your 3rd child and now your fiance, then your ex having them 50% of the time is the best thing.

trustisamust I haven't rtft only the op and first few replies, but your last post was so eloquent. I truly hope that you are able to support each other as you adjust to all the losses this blow to you both had brought.
Whatever shape your relationship becomes it sounds to me as though you will keep your respect and care for each other. I think you are both in the abyss just now and I can only imagine how crushed you both are. But thank goodness your dd (and other children) is much loved so brings joy as you will always be able to share that.
I think you will both need to learn how you can face the future and rediscover what potential there is to live as well as possible.
What struck me as a thought was that I really really hope you communicate a lot together about things, so that the mutual support is there and no-one feels like they can't say the unthinkable. Families are families whatever they look like, if everyone is valued and considered, whether you stay, go out find some arrangement that bridges the two it will be right for your situation.
So sorry to hear you are both affected so deeply.

@LivBa

Imagine if the genders were reversed. He'd be torn to shreds if he was the OP.

An that would be equally wrong.

Unless you have a very deep love of this man, rather than a ‘was nice to be with, had a baby with them, an ok for now’ Kind of thing— I don’t think this relationship will cope with long term disability/ill health. It takes a great love to cope with it long term or in many women’s cases in the past they just coped with it . If you really really loved him I don’t think you would be so focused on sex, more about how to help him physically and mentally. I’m
Not saying you are wrong OP at all, I just think this relationship isn’t deep enough or strong enough to withstand this long term. I do think you can be good friends, you can help him out and be good parents— and I think innyour heart you know this— I also think you should speak to a counsellor about how to broach this with him if that’s what you decide to do because the guy must feel incredibly down as it is.