My sister hates me & it's making me ill.

[Mummyyyyyyyyyy]

I have an older sister (+10 years) who has always been my best friend. She was some one I looked up to & would (& have) drop everything to help her if she needed me.

It would take too long to explain all the highs & lows we have shared. But we were very very close.

We agreed to disagree on politics so it was a no go area & that worked ok.

Rewind to the beginning of lockdown (April 2020) & our mum lives near to my sister in a rural area (I live in city). I have been to stay near mum & sister about twice a month up until feb 2020.
So lockdown & can't visit mum. Sister posts a photo on family WhatsApp group of her with mum in the garden of the home. I commented that mum looked well. A work colleague who's family ran care homes had been discussing the fact that no one could see their relatives & it was tragic. I mentioned the visit my sister had made & she said that really wasn't allowed. Speaking to my sister on the phone she mentioned that if the weather was nice at the coming weekend (April 2020) she would visit mum again. I asked 'is that allowed?' She went berserk & told me she would hang up because she didn't like my attitude. The phone went dead. I thought it was a mistake so I called back. She shouted that I was out of order & she didn't want to speak to me. I apologised profusely & said that of course it was probably different in her area compared to mine (numbers were scarily high here at the time). I said sorry again but she hung up.
I texted to apologise again & said I was here when she was ready to talk again. so began a series of texts that was me apologising & saying how stressful the situation was & her replying with some hurtful & nasty comments. At one point I said I couldn't understand how a thoughtless comment on my part could turn into such a nightmare. Her reply was the nightmare was my own making. On her birthday I sent a card & a box of luxury pampering goodies.
For my birthday she sent a card with the lovely words crossed out & the comment 'who was nice' written in. It broke my heart.
My bil unfriended me on fb (not that I use it regularly).
Mum has since died & sister has been cold throughout polite but offhand. My nieces & nephew are polite but distant.
I haven't slept properly for the past year. I feel so anxious all the time & have at times considered ending it. I wouldn't do that to my dc.
DH says to just ignore her that she has gone weired.
How do I get past this?

@Coronawireless mum was in a care home & not ill at the time. She became ill & died quite suddenly 8 months later (not covid).

I can understand the misunderstanding about visiting and why she would be annoyed with you (I think the word allowed gets peoples backs up) but she massively over reacted and acted in a cruel way. The card was way out of line. My sister may be annoyed me with me if I said you’re not allowed to visit mum but she would roll her eyes and get on with it (that is a normal reaction, your sisters reaction was NOT normal)

I'd say don't worry, if you can, about your nieces and nephews. I'm sure they know what their mother is like and it'll all come out in the wash eventually x

It's a real shock to realise, as an adult, that the people who you love and you think love you, can be so nasty and really don't care about you. I was estranged from my dad and brother for a period of time, their bad behaviour hurt me a lot. Disengaging was the right thing to do.

You should now try to distance yourself from her. You will always be in the wrong according to her. You can't please her or make the peace, so don't try. Hopefully in time you will come to care less about how she behaves and you will protect others around you too. Don't feel any guilt about walking away.

So sorry about your mum x

@frumpety

It seems it is perfectly OK for her to say mean things to you and your family, but if you question her in any way, all hell breaks loose ? I wonder has she ever apologised to you for anything she has done or said or is she one of those people who always finds an excuse as to why she was right to do or say something ?

I think you have hit the nail on the head here.
No she has often belittled me but I always looked up to her & never challenged her on it. My mum did once tell me that she was afraid of upsetting my sister because of her bossy way.

It’s too facile to say go nc with her, but honestly, once the finance aspect is sorted, I would. She’s bloody horrible, OP. 70 and scribbled that shit on your card? Fml, life is too short, OP. She has gone weird.

My sister as fallen out with me now I’ve got no one, I’m very poorly with heart problems and strokes etc I tried taking my life once and now I feel I’m going down that path again.

She absolutely wants nothing to do with me at all, tried always then she got the police on to me for phoning her, they told me to keep away have nothing to do with her let her get on with it, but she’s been in my life 60 years so all that’s down the toilet.

To be honest I can’t take no more I’m really sitting on the edge with my life, well what bit I’ve got left.

Regards Ian

I've had counselling about family relationships and it really helps. Ultimately it showed me that I am able to have loving and warm relationships and have the power to build as much love in to my life as I want. I accept that for whatever reason some people can not give me that love and that's okay because I can get all the love I need from myself and others. It sounds like you have left it in a loving place so if she did want to reconnect she knows she could. It sounds a bit wishywashy but it's about acceptance of how things are and it sounds like you have plenty of love to give and there is plenty of love out there waiting for you.

You've tried your best and it's not good enough for her, just get on with your life and let her get on with hers, if she wants to act like a dick that's on her, don't enable her to treat you like this, I know it's hard because my sister did this to me and it hurt but I haven't got time for her behaviour anymore and couldn't care less anyway.

Your sister sounds mentally ill. At the very least she’s a very unpleasant person. It’s heartbreaking, but I think you need to let her go and concentrate on your own life.

@Mummyyyyyyyyyy

For my birthday she sent a card with the lovely words crossed out & the comment 'who was nice' written in. It broke my heart.

That was premeditated and cruel of her. Honestly, what type of person DOES that - especially to someone they had been very close to?

I think you've done all you can to mend this situation but, far from accepting your apologies, she's gone out of her way to hurt you.

Take care of your own self and mental health OP and don't approach her any more. The ball (to apologise for her own terrible behaviour towards you) is in her court.

If you need to speak to talk this situation through in a neutral setting perhaps talk to a therapist might be a good idea to help you to come to terms with this. Strength to you. 🌹

She was always like this and has done you a massive favour, otherwise you’d still be making excuses for her. I can’t imagine how your son must have felt about your ‘we’ll agree to disagree’ response to her bigotry.

I suspect that your children and DH are relieved that there’s distance between you and her toxicity.

Counselling should be your priority.

I’d also recommend counselling, I fell out very badly with my sister when she had an affair with my best friend’s husband. We’re now tentatively trying to fix things on the basis I understand how little self insight she has. I can’t judge her on my standards and have learned to accept just how different we are and the things I like about her, even if I very much dislike what she’s capable of.

Counselling is very helpful to learn acceptance, I guess with you it’d be coming to terms with her being utterly unfair and not even wanting to try. I think the term blood is thicker than water is nonsense, maybe with parents it is but when it comes to siblings it can go horribly wrong. Invest in good friendships instead.

OP,

You have clearly written examples of your sister's behaviour of her being a long term nasty bully.

I am very, very surprised that you would want to be involved with someone who would be so unkind to your son and his girlfriend.

She sounds vile.

If I was your son I would be very upset that you wouldn't have more loyalty towards me and my long term partner.

This is an awful person, that you are grieving.

Definitely get some therapy and have a hard think about how your son must have felt.

She sounds utterly vile.

She isn't a good person. Once you realise this you should start to heal.
You are related accidentally. Doesn't automatically make her a saint.
The card would have totally done it for me.
You've placated her long enough.

Yes I forgot the son bit. I'd have given her what for.

Perspective is everything. My sister is mentally unwell, but won't admit it. Her DH backs her up, even when she's wrong, which makes it worse. She ruins every family get together, by getting shit faced and screaming at people. She screams at strangers if they aren't wearing a mask. She has had multiple tribunals at work, for being violent towards colleagues. I found e-mails from her to my (late) mother, which were full of lies about me. Thankfully my Mum knew they were lies. The thing is, she believes that her lies are the truth. I'm sure her friends must think I'm awful, but I haven't done any of the things she says I have. She blames me for everything that's gone wrong in her life, for eg. apparently it's my fault that she married her first husband (I should have known it wouldn't work and I should have stopped her marrying him!) I've come to the conclusion that she's crazy, and went NC for my own sanity. But I had 30 years of this crap. So yes, I advocate going NC.

@HenryVIII I’m really sorry to hear of your troubles. If you start a new thread in the Relationships topic, I’m sure you will have wise people come along and listen and talk. Sending