Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sister hates me & it's making me ill.

68 replies

Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 06/04/2021 17:34

I have an older sister (+10 years) who has always been my best friend. She was some one I looked up to & would (& have) drop everything to help her if she needed me.

It would take too long to explain all the highs & lows we have shared. But we were very very close.

We agreed to disagree on politics so it was a no go area & that worked ok.

Rewind to the beginning of lockdown (April 2020) & our mum lives near to my sister in a rural area (I live in city). I have been to stay near mum & sister about twice a month up until feb 2020.
So lockdown & can't visit mum. Sister posts a photo on family WhatsApp group of her with mum in the garden of the home. I commented that mum looked well. A work colleague who's family ran care homes had been discussing the fact that no one could see their relatives & it was tragic. I mentioned the visit my sister had made & she said that really wasn't allowed. Speaking to my sister on the phone she mentioned that if the weather was nice at the coming weekend (April 2020) she would visit mum again. I asked 'is that allowed?' She went berserk & told me she would hang up because she didn't like my attitude. The phone went dead. I thought it was a mistake so I called back. She shouted that I was out of order & she didn't want to speak to me. I apologised profusely & said that of course it was probably different in her area compared to mine (numbers were scarily high here at the time). I said sorry again but she hung up.
I texted to apologise again & said I was here when she was ready to talk again. so began a series of texts that was me apologising & saying how stressful the situation was & her replying with some hurtful & nasty comments. At one point I said I couldn't understand how a thoughtless comment on my part could turn into such a nightmare. Her reply was the nightmare was my own making. On her birthday I sent a card & a box of luxury pampering goodies.
For my birthday she sent a card with the lovely words crossed out & the comment 'who was nice' written in. It broke my heart.
My bil unfriended me on fb (not that I use it regularly).
Mum has since died & sister has been cold throughout polite but offhand. My nieces & nephew are polite but distant.
I haven't slept properly for the past year. I feel so anxious all the time & have at times considered ending it. I wouldn't do that to my dc.
DH says to just ignore her that she has gone weired.
How do I get past this?

OP posts:
Cismyfatarse · 07/04/2021 08:30

Is there an inheritance? Is she trying to hide something?

hiredandsqueak · 07/04/2021 08:31

My older sister hates me, always has even as a young child (she's five years older than me) She used any excuse to hurt me when she was a teen. I last saw her twenty five years ago, I'd not seen her for eight years previously, I wouldn't even recognise her now I don't think. She lives about eight miles away as far as I know. Once DP's died there was no reason to even maintain the occasional encounter so we didn't. I feel no loss, in fact I never even think about her. You can move on without your sister in your life, it sounds like that is what your sister has done.

Thirtyrock39 · 07/04/2021 08:32

I don't think you have done a thing wrong . Just to get another perspective I have grown apart from my sister after a number of issues I've backed right off and have decided to have minimal contact but I have never had a go at her or sent a nasty card or anything spiteful like that. I've just moved myself away and keep things polite but distant, If she's doing that it suggests she is still really bothered about you and I'm sure will come round with time but you need to make sure you want to rebuild things as well in the future after she's been mean

Coronawireless · 07/04/2021 08:35

Playing Devil’s advocate but maybe your comment really upset her. Implying that she shouldn’t have seen your mum even though she was close by and your mum didn’t have long left to live. Maybe she even felt that you blamed her for your mum’s death.
If your apology has been genuine and there isn’t a history of you goading her then she is behaving badly and I feel for you.

DaphneBridgerton · 07/04/2021 08:43

Wow... I am so sorry this has happened to you, OP. There doesn't seem to be a reasonable explanation for her behaviour, which naturally makes it hard for you to accept and move on.

Perhaps there have been some resentments building on her side for longer than you were aware? Its either that, or she is having some kind of mental crisis... obviously I can't advise which of those is true.

I agree with PP who said to try one more attempt in the form of a letter explaining your feelings. I really hope she responds and you work things out.

Stovetopespresso · 07/04/2021 08:51

I read a quote the other day (attr. to the Buddha but I'm not sure)

"don't allow somebody to hurt you just because you love them"

I get it, you're hurt, it sucks, but the best you can do is look after and cherish your close family, friends, and yourself. also weirdly when this happened to me (my dad wasn't as nice to me as I would have wanted), it did me some good to find a job with a charity to help others.

Ohdoleavemealone · 07/04/2021 08:53

OP do you mind me asking how your mum died?

I am just wondering if it was COVID and if your sister feels guilty for not protecting her better and is taking that out on you?

SD1978 · 07/04/2021 08:53

Did your mum live on her own? I see no problem at all with her visiting your mum, and I'm sure with everything else that was going on at the beginning of lockdowns most likely felt you were being judgmental. That she has kept it going, even after your mum has died, shows she has no intention of rekindling your relationship. I'm sorry for your loss- and I'm sure it feels like a double loss, but I wouldn't be continuing with anymore overtures to her.

Stovetopespresso · 07/04/2021 08:54

@JackieWeaverFever

Flowers for you.

You need to back right off stop communicating and let her get on with it.
No one knows how to push your buttons like family.
She is enjoying the game of torturing and hurting you and are inadventently giving her that opportunity.

I also feel from your post if she wasnt kicking off about this it would be something else

ooh good advice here, a bit of grey rock! Google it!
Sicario · 07/04/2021 09:05

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also have a nightmare sister. She's always been really difficult, cutting me off at any perceived slight, sometimes not speaking to me for 2 years, blaming everybody else when her behaviour is really awful.

Last time she cut me dead was 3 or 4 years ago and that was the final straw for me. I think there's probably a personality disorder involved. I'm NC with my whole family now - siblings and mother - because it was the only way to cut her out of my life completely.

I have never regretted my decision, even though it hurt. I never want to see or speak to her again.

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 07/04/2021 09:06

Been there OP Flowers

Keepitonthedownlow · 07/04/2021 09:06

Sorry for your loss OP.

It is so hard, and there are no easy answers. Do you feel if you give up trying to reconcile that will be the end of your relationship? I'm in a similar position, always trying to make amends. However I'm realising that any relationship requires two people's input. If it's only one then it won't work, regardless of what you do. Is there any way you can have a change of scene? Just to try and take your mind of things. It's so hard. A skilled counsellor will help guide you through the emotions of your losses Flowers

SharpLily · 07/04/2021 09:21

I think a lot of people have given really helpful and useful advice and I don't mean to go against that, however I would just like to share something from my own experience. While I have never done anything specifically like the behaviour you have described from your sister, when beginning the menopause I did spend a year behaving in a way most out of character for me. I'm now being treated and have returned to 'normal', but I can see that I treated people close to me badly for some time - I could see it then but somehow couldn't stop myself. Could your sister be going through something? If so and you have previously known her to be kind and caring then you might just have to step back and let her work through it.

rc22 · 07/04/2021 09:56

Lockdown has obviously been difficult for you both and then you've had bereavement to deal with on top of that but the thing with the birthday card is just plain nasty. Stop contacting her and focus on taking good care of yourself for now.

tootiredtospeak · 07/04/2021 10:05

God what a cow seriously to do that in a card is full on childish and a little disturbing. The only thing I can think of if you were close in the past is that she is projecting her feelings onto you. Perhaps she is having some sort of mental health episode after your Mum dying. I would follow your DH advice and stop for now whilst you chase she clearly feels she is in the right. With a bit of time she may reflect and feel differently. If you really want to get it out of your system write it all down in a letter. How she has made you feel how hurt you are ect ect....but dont send it just get it all out. You have to look out for yourself first.

Original poster
Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 07/04/2021 11:04

@Monty27 please don't apologise. Mum died in December & not covid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 07/04/2021 11:10

@Coronawireless

Playing Devil’s advocate but maybe your comment really upset her. Implying that she shouldn’t have seen your mum even though she was close by and your mum didn’t have long left to live. Maybe she even felt that you blamed her for your mum’s death. If your apology has been genuine and there isn’t a history of you goading her then she is behaving badly and I feel for you.
This happened in April & mum died in December quite suddenly after a short illness (not covid) & I was with mum holding her hand. My birthday was September.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 07/04/2021 11:12

@Ohdoleavemealone

OP do you mind me asking how your mum died?

I am just wondering if it was COVID and if your sister feels guilty for not protecting her better and is taking that out on you?

No it wasn't covid. Mum died in December & I was with her.
OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 07/04/2021 11:25

I wonder if this argument with your sister and the subsequent loss of your mum has become wrapped up together - so you've lost both maternal/nurturing figures in your life almost simultaneously and have had to struggle on without their support - hence your slightly raised reactions.

I don't know whether you've had any bereavement counselling but I'd recommend it.

But when it comes down to it you can not change how your sister feels. You can only change your reaction to it.

Original poster
Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 07/04/2021 11:27

Thank you everyone, I have shed tears reading your replies. I think the idea of seeing a counsellor is something I will follow up on.
I must admit that she had become rather spiteful at times & upset my eldest son when he visited (pre covid) with his Portuguese girlfriend of 6 years & my sister lectured them on how Brexit will get rid of all the foreigners. She constantly told me how much she loved ds & gf.
Looking back I must admit I have often avoided conflict with her when she has slighted me. I had just hidden it from myself.
The birthday card was just so cruel.
She is 70 this year.

I am sad that my nieces & nephew (& their children) will have been fed a different story but I don't feel I can contact them to put them right without looking like I'm slagging their mother off, so I will leave it.

I have just finished sorting mum's finances (she just sent me a pack of paperwork& asked me to sort it) & contacted her to send her share. I agonised for ages how to word the text asking how she wanted me to send it (not much at all). I received a sharp reply to do a bank transfer. It just dredged it up again hence my post here.
Thanks again to all of you. It has really helped me. 💝

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 07/04/2021 11:28

And a ps- I wasn't going to stick the boot in to your sister but that card was awful and very immature - think long and hard about whether you want to be close to someone who intentionally hurts you.

Notonthestairs · 07/04/2021 11:31

Be gentle on yourself. Value the family that treats you well. You've had a very hard year. I hope this year will be a lot happier for you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/04/2021 11:48

Ugh so she is an abhorrent racist Angry

I’m not surprised that she’s behaved hatefully in the past as well as now. OP you are well rid of her. Take care of yourself.

frumpety · 07/04/2021 11:53

We agreed to disagree on politics so it was a no go area & that worked ok.

Read this line in your first post and I just knew she supported Brexit.

It seems it is perfectly OK for her to say mean things to you and your family, but if you question her in any way, all hell breaks loose ? I wonder has she ever apologised to you for anything she has done or said or is she one of those people who always finds an excuse as to why she was right to do or say something ?

ancientgran · 07/04/2021 12:01

What she did was childish and horrible, what she said to your son and GF was awful. The only thing I'd say in her defence is if your parents are both deceased and she is 70 she might be struggling with that. I remember when my grandmother died my mother, the eldest sibling, said, "I'm next then."

I wouldn't contact her again, the balls in her court but she doesn't sound like the type to back down.

Swipe left for the next trending thread