My sister hates me & it's making me ill.

[Mummyyyyyyyyyy]

I have an older sister (+10 years) who has always been my best friend. She was some one I looked up to & would (& have) drop everything to help her if she needed me.

It would take too long to explain all the highs & lows we have shared. But we were very very close.

We agreed to disagree on politics so it was a no go area & that worked ok.

Rewind to the beginning of lockdown (April 2020) & our mum lives near to my sister in a rural area (I live in city). I have been to stay near mum & sister about twice a month up until feb 2020.
So lockdown & can't visit mum. Sister posts a photo on family WhatsApp group of her with mum in the garden of the home. I commented that mum looked well. A work colleague who's family ran care homes had been discussing the fact that no one could see their relatives & it was tragic. I mentioned the visit my sister had made & she said that really wasn't allowed. Speaking to my sister on the phone she mentioned that if the weather was nice at the coming weekend (April 2020) she would visit mum again. I asked 'is that allowed?' She went berserk & told me she would hang up because she didn't like my attitude. The phone went dead. I thought it was a mistake so I called back. She shouted that I was out of order & she didn't want to speak to me. I apologised profusely & said that of course it was probably different in her area compared to mine (numbers were scarily high here at the time). I said sorry again but she hung up.
I texted to apologise again & said I was here when she was ready to talk again. so began a series of texts that was me apologising & saying how stressful the situation was & her replying with some hurtful & nasty comments. At one point I said I couldn't understand how a thoughtless comment on my part could turn into such a nightmare. Her reply was the nightmare was my own making. On her birthday I sent a card & a box of luxury pampering goodies.
For my birthday she sent a card with the lovely words crossed out & the comment 'who was nice' written in. It broke my heart.
My bil unfriended me on fb (not that I use it regularly).
Mum has since died & sister has been cold throughout polite but offhand. My nieces & nephew are polite but distant.
I haven't slept properly for the past year. I feel so anxious all the time & have at times considered ending it. I wouldn't do that to my dc.
DH says to just ignore her that she has gone weired.
How do I get past this?

I think she is in the wrong OP, not you.

You need to accept that all the "blood is thicker than water" crap is just that - crap! In my case I'm the elder by 11 years and was always there for her through thick and thin. She married a male who thought women with intelligence were awful, and whose only interests in life were money and lying around with a beer in his hand. I went out of my way to support her, she was "golden child" and "the little princess" and expected everyone to treat her as that. After she said some dreadful things to me, I was the one who cut her out of my life. Occasionally I would miss her, but in the end the hurt does go away. I have neither seen nor spoken to her in decades, and I won't see or speak to her again. Distance changes your perspective - I now see how manipulative and narcissistic she was. I have friends that I am closer to than I ever was to her, and who aren't users.

She certainly isn't worth the pain you are inflicting on yourself here. Find pleasure in what you have. She isn't worth it.

My sister also cut me out of her life at the start of lock down and it’s been devastating since. I had absolutely no idea why until very recently. I tried apologising for whatever I might have done, tried reconnecting a few times but she hasn’t been bothered, one word responses etc. I was so sad and spent many night awake overthinking every think I said incase I offend her inadvertently. It effected my relationships with everyone as I was so anxious that I might say something and not realise it.
I don’t have any great advise for you just wanted to empathise and let u know that I feel ur pain.

Also going through something similar with my brother- won’t go in to details but I have ended up in counselling over it all.
What I have learnt is that you just have to let them run on and focus on positives in your own life. It is heartbreaking and I totally understand how sad you must feel.
What has helped me is keeping busy, having wee projects to do. Etc.
You will get there- maybe look in to counselling- it has really helped me process what actually feels like a bereavement.

I think it’s probable that, with some distance and reflection, you will come to see that your sister is a very different person than you have been imagining all these years. Unless something has occurred to cause a complete personality change, it’s likely that she’s always been a bully. Sometimes when you are very close to a person with unhealthy personality traits it can be almost impossible to see it. A bit of distance provides the perspective we need to gain clarity and sometimes look at past events through a different lens.

It’s easier said than done but you need to work on letting go of the relationship and moving on, rather than trying to fix it. You can’t fix it, because it’s not your fault it’s broken. She has treated you terribly badly.

Oh dear. This year has been very difficult for most of us. Your sister was in an awful situation with regard to your mum and took your implied criticism badly. Then your mum died and the grief has compounded the rift.

I think you need to give it time. Go with the polite but distant for now,. Don’t apologise any more but for goodness sake do not say anything that could be remotely construed as criticism.

I hope you can both get over this given time and sensitivity.

I’ve had rifts with siblings but we’ve got over them. It’s not that unusual, and the situation with your mum has been very stressful for both of you, but perhaps more so for your sister with her being closer.

I think your DH is right. You've extended the olive branch too many times and the scribbling in the card was just petty of her. It's time to go NC and concentrate on the people who love you.

I had something similar with my sister. Minor disagreement and she didn’t speak to me for two years. We get on ok again now, but I won’t ever trust her again, I don’t think.
Sorry you’re going through this, OP. It’s very painful.

OP It's awful that you can't visit your mum. But you can't. It's not allowed.
I guess your sister is tired of doing everything by herself and took it out on you.
Just make plans as soon as permissable. You may have to make an appointment at the home. You could also connect with the home and ask about her and even speak to her. Take some responsibility off your sister. And I hope your mum keeps well 🙂

@Monty27 please read the full post.

[quote FiveNightsAtMummys]@Monty27 please read the full post.[/quote]
Omg I'm mortified
OP I'm so sorry I did read the post ages ago and Mumsnet was crashing
Please accept my apologies.
I'm very sorry you lost your mum.

So sorry about your mum OP. And about the situation with your sister. For what it’s worth, she was in the wrong not you, and she probably knows it and was massively on the defensive. I really think you need some specialist help - you are dealing with several losses - of your mum, of the time you would normally have spent with your mum, of the relationship with your sister, and with her family too. It’s a lot to take, as well as the whole covid situation. See your GP and get referred for therapy. for you

I think you might want to look into counselling. You seem to lack boundaries and self esteem where your sister's concerned. You deserve better.

Like a previous poster I'm going to guess this behaviour isn't totally out of character for your sister. Do you usually get along well only because you placate her? Has she stopped speaking to you before? Are you always the one apologising even though you've done nothing wrong?

My mum has a relationship like the above with her sister. My mum has to walk on eggshells to keep the relationship going, otherwise my aunt stops speaking to her. Its sad to watch; but my mom always gives in because its her only sister.

At any rate, I feel very sad for you OP, because you haven't done anything wrong here. You clearly love your sister and she's really hurt you.

Crossing the words on the card out and sending you it back with the phrase "who was nice" sounds like something a 10 yr old child would do. Your sister may have misconstrued what you said, misunderstandings do happen but her behaviour is unbelievably immature and childish.

I'm so sorry about your mum, OP. That must make the fall out with your sister even harder. I think your DH is right. Difficult though it may be, leave her to it. You've gone way past your duty in trying to make it up and you're not the one in the wrong.

As a final last ditch attempt you could always write her a letter or email, just saying you never meant to cause upset and you really miss her, but that you're going to leave her in peace now and if she ever wants to get back in touch, she knows where you are. And then leave it. Personally, I'd be so pissed off with her I couldn't bring myself to be this nice. I think she's acted horribly to you. But if you wanted to send out one last olive branch, you could do this.

Hugs OP. Sounds like you've had a rotten time.

I have similar family dynamics.
Counselling has been brilliant for understanding it. He told me to always act the adult. Your sisters birthday card was not adult. She has huge resentments and you can’t fix it. You can only change yourself and the way you respond to her.
The fact she blew up over such a small comment means it’s not really about just that.
Everytime you chase her it just reinforces her opinion she is right. She’s bullying you. Go silent now. No more cards or messages. You’ve apologised enough. You were actually right that it wasn’t allowed so you shouldn’t have apologised really but it’s understandable why you did. I’m not sure your relationship with your sister is ever going to be what you want it to be. Focus on building up friendships instead

I am struggling to understand why you didn't just tell her to fuck off TBH.

She's sounds like a spiteful bully and the card thing was just ridiculous. Please don't pander to her anymore or apologise. She must be loving it that you are all angst ridden and begging for forgiveness.

Sorry about your mother, OP.

By repeatedly apologising and trying to fix this, you’ve handed her all the power and she has been wielding it aggressively. As PP have said, this is probably more indicative of your dynamic than you realise. No-one’s perfect - we all make mistakes and need to be forgiven. The way your S is behaving sounds awful and completely disproportionate. You didn’t sleep with her husband or burn her house down.

In the end, you’ve done what you could to fix it. Leave it now. She’s more likely to reach out when she realises that you’re done with trying to make up with her. But this is not on you. A reasonable person would have got over this months ago but some people are addicted to the drama of enmity.

I am sorry for what you have been through. But I agree with PP that you need to detach and stop trying to make this work. She may or may not "come back" to you. You need to work on accepting that and, in fact, work out how to deal with her in a dignified way if she does want to rekindle the relationship one day. She's acted in a totally unreasonable, immature way - you can't reach her by persuasion or rational argument.

I think counselling for all your losses could be helpful.

She sounds unhinged and horribly malicious, OP please get some therapy to help you work through this - I understand it’s painful and shocking but you CAN and will process it and your feelings will change.

Instead of feeling desperate and in agony over it, you will feel angry at her and gain detachment. And that will be healthy.

She behaved abominably. They can all fuck off. This is your life, you get to say how you feel about things ultimately. You can stop torturing yourself. Give it time, get some support.

Protect yourself right now and from now on - focus on the future, your friendships, new activities, new people, healthy connections. You will be better for it. I’m sure your relationship with your sister already had lots of negative qualities you were accommodating.

Time to get angry and nurture yourself.

Sorry about your mum

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you. Im sure your sister doesn’t know what a profound effect she’s having on you and if she does know then she can’t have any love for you as making someone suicidal is despicable.

So sorry for your loss.

I am so relieved to find this thread. My sister and I have a very tricky relationship and I always feel that I am walking on eggshells with her. She very rarely contacts me unprompted but I make the effort because I want to see my nieces. She once said to me in an argument that she "doesn't need me" and it broke my heart because she really doesn't. I need her though and I sometimes wish I didn't. I want to be close to my sister and finally, in my 50s, I'm beginning to accept the fact that we are never going to be.

I understand the hurt. My dsis cuts me off, I don’t know what I did the last time. It tears me apart, she would rather waste years of a possible relationship than speak of issues. One issue she kept from me for ten years. She struggles with relationships, I don’t think that she has friends.

Listen to your DH, it’s her not you

Your sister is an absolute bellend OP. Anyone who would do that to a birthday card is beyond childish.

I'm so sorry about your mum, could your grief be the bigger issue here but you're focusing on your sister?

Please stop contacting your sister and put your energy into looking after yourself. It's been a horrible year and especially so for you but things will likely start to get better.

for you.

You need to back right off stop communicating and let her get on with it.
No one knows how to push your buttons like family.
She is enjoying the game of torturing and hurting you and are inadventently giving her that opportunity.

I also feel from your post if she wasnt kicking off about this it would be something else