Does love come back/what do I do

[helplesshopeless]

Nc for this.

Advice needed please, I've created a huge mess and can't see a way out/what is for the best. This may be long.

I am married with a 3yo. DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to eachother, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. We have had happy family times too and we both dote on our child.

All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for. It was mainly an emotional affair but there was a small amount of physical contact (we did not have sex). This is someone that I work with, so although we're wfh at the moment, he is in team zoom meetings etc.

My DH found everything out last week. He is angry but also devastated. I have never seen him so upset and it has shocked me that he cares that much about me. He has completely woken up to how he's been treating me and is committed to having anger management therapy and working on things with me. I obviously am ashamed of what I have done and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but he does recognise that his treatment of me took me to a place where I was open to someone else. I still can't believe I had an affair because it is so against my morals and I fully deserve to be judged for it.

We are working on things and will get relationship counselling. There's a lot of self esteem issues that my husband struggles with, especially since we had our child as he's felt like he's been stuck on the outside looking in, and he thinks this is why he's been treating me how he has. I do understand this and it makes sense, but it doesn't change how he's treated me in the past and how damaging I have found it.

My husband wants me to leave my work so there's no interaction with the other man. I totally understand his point but am reluctant to do this as I'd then feel trapped.

I want to get back to a happy place with my husband. I don't want to feel trapped with him. I don't know if I can find my way back to loving him, whether all of this is coming too late after years of awful treatment. I accept I have behaved in a disgusting way and deserve all of this fall out, and am so worried about the impact on our child and how I'd manage if we separate. I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this.

I just don't know if my heart is in this anymore, I want to be able to be happy with him and love him and our family deserves for me to work on this and fully commit to getting back on track, but I have no idea if I'll ever get back to where I need to be.

I am ashamed to admit I still have feelings for the other guy. I could obviously never be with him anyway so that is irrelevant, but it's clouding my judgement. I need to hear from people who have learnt to love their husbands again. Is that a thing? Will we ever get there?

I still can't believe any of this is happening.

He's recently become much more involved with her though because she's come through the difficult toddler phase and is just loads of fun. So he's already claiming loads of time with her, probably trying to consolidate his role in being an active parent. he's just said he wants to take her away for a week on holiday this summer.

I cross-posted with you, sorry.

I am also sorry because I really don’t think you ruined everything at all. Read back what you have written. He wants you to think that so you feel guilty, and he is threatening 50:50 of everything, including of childcare, so you feel scared. Do not be scared or guilty. Just take one step at a time. You do deserve a life free from control.

It sounds like he is doing the pick me dance

Has she ever been away overnight from you before? If not, the answer is no, because you need to start with what is manageable for her and then extend gradually.

Please Op, do not give in to agreeing anything yet. He will want to go 50/50 because as the higher earner this is a great deal for him. Not you.

Get advice - you will be entitled to more. If it hadn't been the phone number l bet my life it would have been something else. Maybe this will bring things to a head though. Be prepared for him to swing back.

Do your family know? Can you ask for support from them?

Of course he’s trying to shift the blame onto you.

Ok you had an affair, without context it sounds terrible and of course there will be a fall out from it.

But there is blame on both sides here. He will want to blame you and to rewrite history. But you know the truth and you have to remember it at all times when he tried to gaslight you and pretend that the affair is what destroyed the marriage.

He treated you like shit for years, refused to deal with anger issues (I personally don’t buy this bc I bet he wasn’t angry towards his friends or colleagues- just at home. Meaning it was chosen behaviour...) and actively participated in letting your relationship fail.

If you keep hitting a dog and it eventually bites you, is the dog to blame? (Rubbish analogy but you get my point)

This was just a toxic situation which should have ended long before the affair but you are where you are. You know the truth, and so does he even if he refuses to admit it.

Don’t sign or agree anything without consulting a solicitor and let the contact order be sorted out via mediation or family court. It’s the best way - it’s very difficult to manage informal contact unless you are totally amicable.

Most importantly keep your dignity, when he tries to provoke a reaction or argument or push blame into your direct just let it go over your head. You will feel better for it in the long run

Thank you everyone, I'm taking in all your comments. I'm just so sad for my little girl

Your little girl is tiny and she will adapt very quickly. You have always been her main carer and that won’t change.

Of course he’s going to make you feel bad about this. Don’t look to him for comfort.

But I can promise you, OP, those of us reading this thread know you could never have got back to a good place. He doesn’t actually believe you’re a human being in your own right and has no respect for your needs or boundaries. If you re-read this thread in about 12 months’ time, I think you will be truly shocked by how you’re looking at things so totally through his eyes and not your own.

What support do you have IRL? Who can you talk to about this?

Agree to nothing
He is bluffing/bullying/manipulating
He's s good at thus shit after all
Grey Rock
Seek a good lawyer who knows about EA
Dont oanic, keep your cards close ti youd chest.
Plan, breathe.
IT WILL BE OK

sorry about typos, no glasses

It is okay to be sad.

Anything arranged has to be in your DD’s best interests. Which means that it is not about what your husband wants, or even really about what you want, but about what is best for her.

1. It is best for her to grow up in a peaceful environment where one parent is not subject to coercive control by the other. If your marriage was going to be that peaceful environment, it would have been. It was not. It is okay to be sad about that, but not to take on an undue burden of guilt. This is not your fault.

1. Contact arrangements need to be in her best interests which means little and often as she is small, and building up time gradually. It will be better for your husband if she has time away from you which is manageable for her.

As others have said, you do need legal advice and your own real life support. I would not put it past your husband to do an about turn tomorrow to want to make it up with you again, so your head is spinning. I think you need to be really, really clear in your head about your way forward here. Not his.

Honestly, you will be okay and DD will be okay. It is sad and horrible and you will need real life support, because it is a difficult path. But it is possible to get through this and come out the other side. Your DD will be fine because she has a great mum who is always going to be looking out for her.

When I say better for your husband regarding DD having contact which she can manage, I mean that she will be more secure in her relationship with him if she grows into the contact, not suddenly goes from being with you to being with him half the week. I hope that makes sense.

@helplesshopeless

He's recently become much more involved with her though because she's come through the difficult toddler phase and is just loads of fun. So he's already claiming loads of time with her, probably trying to consolidate his role in being an active parent. he's just said he wants to take her away for a week on holiday this summer.

There is a reason why he's trying to get you to agree all this without going through the normal, legal channels!!

1. Because he knows jolly well he will not be having everything all his own way once solicitors/courts are involved.
2. Because he is trying to frighten you.
3. Because he is trying to bully you.
4. He is laying on the guilt big time (as I said in my earlier post, everything is your fault according to him) because then you'll agree to all his demands threats.
5. He is trying to make you regret you ever minded him being a nasty aggressive bully, enough to go to another Nan for comfort.
6. He is punishing you.

If you get a solicitor, he will not be able to continue with this strategy because they will take charge. He doesn't want that.

You do NOT need to agree to anything, until you have taken proper advice and then it will be done through solicitors.

Honestly OP, this moment was inevitable. It's not be because you didn't delete OM's phone number. As so many PPs have said, your marriage is over. It was only a matter of time. So don't beat yourself up over this. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. If you could wind back the clock and delete the number, what would that achieve? It would delay the inevitable.

For now, think in hours & days. Bigger picture can wait. It is not helpful to be listening to him filling your head with some kind of settlement nonsense and making you worry and stress. Leave all that to SHL. Can you get away? Is there someone you can stay with, you and DD just for a night or two, just to get some space? (Just go, don't ask him for permission)

Oh , & still having OMs number is a red herring.
You work with him, you could need it for work.
He really doesn't have the upper hand, re trust. He's gone through your computer,
If you intended to talk to/shag OM you could organize it a minute at work.
He is using this as a stick to beat you with.
You do see its all manipulation right ?.
He is using all the manœuvres in the EA TEXT BOOK.
A cycle of remorse, promises, then back to demands & finally anger.

Going for 50/50 is standard, to pay the minimum/nothing & hurt you as much as possible, it very rarely works out that way.
Agree to nothing

Morning everyone. Thanks for all of your messages, feel like I've got a Mumsnet army behind me! 

As predicted by @KatySun, he's woken up wanting to work on things again, saying he loves me more than anything and he doesn't understand why I don't seem to be committed to working on it. I'm all over the place but will be getting legal advice regardless this week.

I don't feel I can take my daughter away for a trip, that feels a bit like weaponising her by taking her away from him before we've agreed anything. I would be furious if he tried that. I was actually planning on claiming my space next weekend and going away for a night to a friend's, but not sure if I'm better off staying now so he can't point towards how well she coped without me!

Morning Op. You do have an army behind you. An army made up of women who have been through similar experiences.

You are not alone.

When you can’t see the wood for the trees, post on here.

My H would cycle through the nasty/nice stages - he still is. Even though we are living apart now and trying to sort out logistics, he see-saws between reasonable and mean. I get annoyed with myself for softening towards him when he seems decent BUT he always trips himself up and cannot sustain it for more than a few days.

I have also learnt that when he is being nice it is because it suits him and often he has an ulterior motive.

I can step back and see the cycle now whereas initially l couldn’t. You will get there with this and he will gradually lose his power.

Be firm and cool today. Maybe think of one or two stock responses to give him when he tries to draw you into another toxic discussion.

You could even try ‘ Can we not talk today, we both need a break from it’. Rinse and repeat.

Thinking of you xx

Grey rock technique for the foreseeable future, at least until you get legal advice. If you're not familiar with it then Google it, but basically it is not reacting and not engaging.

Beware the flying monkeys OP, I suspect that he will try to get his parents to contact you.

“ We just wants a chat and to see how you are. You know how much we care about you and DD. Dh is so distressed, we are worried about him, we just want to help both of you”.

Don’t do it. Tell them it’s all too upsetting for you, although you are happy to read a letter or card from them. They won’t be prepared to put any manipulations into writing.

In my experience, in answer to your question "Does Love come back?" my answer is a resounding YES but most likely NOT from a spouse who has treated you like this. Love comes back over the course of a year or so but from yourself, your family and friends and most likely from a new partner. You deserve better.

I agree with whatdirection - this was what my ex was like too.
I also agree with katysun - think what you want, even just for the next week, then stick to that. What your ex wants is you back in a situation where he defines your reality to suit him. He's going to use every tool in his arsenal to do that, push all the buttons that he's learnt work with you. You need to be on guard with him - ask what positive he is getting from his behaviour? Try to be detached, be prepared this is what he will do.
Have you got someone to talk to in real life? Or keep posting here, we can help you see the wood for the trees

Yes,
Write down his behaviour, (& threats)
You will see the circle ⭕️

Your inability to see things through your own eyes instead of his strikes me afresh with nearly everything you post.

It isn’t weaponising your DD to take her away with you for a day or so when you’ve asked for space and he’s refused to give it. It’s just you taking her away with you for a weekend.

It may well be easier if you don’t have to have her with you next weekend but I’m not sure you can leave her with him at the moment. If you go away alone next weekend, the way he’s talking, it wouldn’t entirely surprise me if he changed the locks on you and refused to allow you access to your DD unless you agreed to get back together with him.

Remember this man doesn’t really believe you exist or have rights independently of him. That’s why he has completely ignored your boundaries. Your posts read like you have his voice playing in your head the whole time and it is really interfering with your ability to make the decision that’s right for you and your DD (eg end the marriage).

I don't feel I can take my daughter away for a trip, that feels a bit like weaponising her by taking her away from him before we've agreed anything

You really really shouldn't agree anything wrt contact agreements outside of solicitors OP. He will try to get you to, and play all the cards he has re. affair/guilt/threats but you must stay firm on this. Being blunt, his ability to control and manipulate you will likely result in an outcome that is the one he wants and rather than the best outcome for DD. You need legal advice ASAP.