Does love come back/what do I do

[helplesshopeless]

Nc for this.

Advice needed please, I've created a huge mess and can't see a way out/what is for the best. This may be long.

I am married with a 3yo. DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to eachother, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. We have had happy family times too and we both dote on our child.

All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for. It was mainly an emotional affair but there was a small amount of physical contact (we did not have sex). This is someone that I work with, so although we're wfh at the moment, he is in team zoom meetings etc.

My DH found everything out last week. He is angry but also devastated. I have never seen him so upset and it has shocked me that he cares that much about me. He has completely woken up to how he's been treating me and is committed to having anger management therapy and working on things with me. I obviously am ashamed of what I have done and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but he does recognise that his treatment of me took me to a place where I was open to someone else. I still can't believe I had an affair because it is so against my morals and I fully deserve to be judged for it.

We are working on things and will get relationship counselling. There's a lot of self esteem issues that my husband struggles with, especially since we had our child as he's felt like he's been stuck on the outside looking in, and he thinks this is why he's been treating me how he has. I do understand this and it makes sense, but it doesn't change how he's treated me in the past and how damaging I have found it.

My husband wants me to leave my work so there's no interaction with the other man. I totally understand his point but am reluctant to do this as I'd then feel trapped.

I want to get back to a happy place with my husband. I don't want to feel trapped with him. I don't know if I can find my way back to loving him, whether all of this is coming too late after years of awful treatment. I accept I have behaved in a disgusting way and deserve all of this fall out, and am so worried about the impact on our child and how I'd manage if we separate. I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this.

I just don't know if my heart is in this anymore, I want to be able to be happy with him and love him and our family deserves for me to work on this and fully commit to getting back on track, but I have no idea if I'll ever get back to where I need to be.

I am ashamed to admit I still have feelings for the other guy. I could obviously never be with him anyway so that is irrelevant, but it's clouding my judgement. I need to hear from people who have learnt to love their husbands again. Is that a thing? Will we ever get there?

I still can't believe any of this is happening.

Sorry Op, the fact he ‘woke you up’ to read them to you sounds really off to me. On his own he took the initiative and decided what he wanted and then hijacked you by waking you up so this was the first thing you were confronted with. I personally thinking controlling someone’s sleep, someone feeling entitled enough to do that is a red flag. Unless it’s an emergency why couldn’t he wait until you had woken off your own accord?

I know it’s so hard to shift away from believing he has good intentions at heart but would you behave like this?

OP I'm a fan of Sheryl Sandberg. She often talks about how she had a post it on her desk with a question on it which helped her at difficult moments, particularly with decision making. I've found it's really helped me at points in my life.

Close your eyes, clear your mind, and ask yourself this:

What would you do, if you weren't afraid?

The answer to that, whatever it is, that's what you need to do.

10NA, , tYes, he list sounds like indoctrination of a sect

the list, sorry

Hang on OP - it's fine to give the relationship another go and see how it goes, if that's what you want to do. However surely that means staying together for now and getting on with life and seeing how things go.

What it doesn't mean is that you have to make a decision NOW to either leave or to commit to staying forever, which is what he seems to be expecting you to do. If he's getting counselling and trying to be a better partner, great. What's not great is him constantly badgering you about what you're going to "do", complaining you didn't give enough affection on a specific day, etc. That's exhausting and controlling, even if he doesn't mean it to be. I'd find that exhausting and controlling even in a good relationship with no previous issues.

He seems to want you to agree that he has now changed and commit to staying forever. It doesn't work like that. He needs to back off and just get on with a normal relationship. One which either of you is free to leave at any point. For example you could stay for 2 years and he could be nice as pie and you could still decide it's not working for you. That is your right.

You also seem to be expecting yourself to suddenly "decide". I don't think that's a reasonable expectation. If it was me, I think the best I could offer would be to stay for now and see how things go - but without lists or endless conversations about the relationship.

Oh and I wouldn't leave your job. Good luck OP

Thanks everyone. Yes, I agree it all has felt pretty controlling and suffocating.

Bit of an update today, my husband went rooting on through my old messages on the Mac this morning and found OM's number (no incriminating messages though which i think was his aim), and used it to force me to show I still had his number on my phone. I had actually thought I'd deleted it, then realised about a week ago that I hadn't and stupidly kept it.

He's obviously hit the roof, been extremely unpleasant, and said it's over.

Whether it is or not I don't know, but I'm definitely in for some nasty behaviour for a while and if it is over he's going to make the divorce process extremely acrimonious.

What would you do, if you weren't afraid?

I love that!! Really makes you think. Thank you @Cavagirl.

@helplesshopeless

What might make you feel closer and more connected to him is if he stopped being ridiculous, but that doesn't seem to be within his capacity.

Ha, yes...he seems to have a turned over a new leaf since last night so we'll see how it goes. I don't think anything is going to change my feelings though

A new leaf in a day? You do know that won't last 5 minutes don't you??

He's obviously hit the roof, been extremely unpleasant, and said it's over.
Well good. Decision made. Why don't you focus on moving forwards from that point rather than waiting to see whether or not he decides it really is over?

OP, you do understand that this isn't simply his decision to make?

He doesn't get to unilaterally decide the marriage is on or off and that you will do exactly as he demands.

Whether it is or not I don't know, but I'm definitely in for some nasty behaviour for a while

Why don't you know? You know you don't love him or want to be with him anymore by the sound of things. Why don't you decide that yes - it is off and you are fiing for divorce? Don't allow him to dictate the pace or direction. If he's nasty then apply to get him out of the marital home on the grounds that it's damaging to your child and intimidating for you.

You do know you don't have to tolerate someone treating you like shit, don't you? You are incredibly passive about your own life, which is a worry.

Yeah, you are allowed to say say it is over.

You are allowed to feel angry with him for his behaviour over the years.

Also, you are allowed to get together with the other man if you wish to, once you are single.

If your DH wants to be an arse about any of this (which he probably will be), that's his lookout. In fact you might as well accept he's gonna be an arse, and get on with doing what you want to do.

I just don't know how to even start navigating this there's no way he'll leave, I can't leave my daughter, he's going to be so nasty and vicious

Was his rooting through your old mac before or after he'd taken your DD out to give you some alone time this morning?
Let me guess, the alone time didn't happen?

One step at a time OP, first step is just to get the space you desperately need. And as he's declared it's over, that makes it easier on you (in your own mind) just to go. Can you take DD and go and stay with family for few nights?

@helplesshopeless

I just don't know how to even start navigating this there's no way he'll leave, I can't leave my daughter, he's going to be so nasty and vicious

The first thing you do is make an appointment to see a solicitor and speak about filing for divorce.

He won't have any choice about leaving eventually, and of course you don't leave your daughter!

You don't stay with someone for ever because they insist they're not leaving and you have to! He isn't in charge.

I'm just used to avoiding stressful conversations with him because I don't want to deal with his temper or aggression so I'm not looking forward to dealing with any of this!

Of course you aren't but life isn't going to get any better if you ignore it. Time to bite the bullet and get on with it.
What's your housing and work situation?

I work part time and look after our daughter on my days off, earn an ok amount but probably around 1/4 of what he does. We own our home, i couldn't afford to stay and it may be a stretch for him to buy me out.

My main panic is that he's going to seek 50% custody plus I guess that means he won't need to pay any child support which won't help matters.

How much equity is in it?
How much does he work? Is 50/50 realistic?
If you split could you go full time to earn more?
Could you afford to rent for you and DD?

He works full time and less flexibly than me. I don't think he'd realistically enjoy 50% and he'd be doing it to spite me. I could go full time but would be sad to put her in nursery full time and lose out on that extra time with her before she starts school

There's a decent amount of equity in the house, I'd hope to be able to have a good deposit and get a mortgage for somewhere small, depending on how the split worked out.

Ok so you need some legal advice. Go and see a solicitor to unpick the questions of equity and the process of selling the house and applying for divorce.
Do you have family nearby you could stay with while you save a rental house deposit? Or do you have access to savings to fund it? You must get legal advice before moving out though.

Controlling men often announce they are going for 50:50 custody.

They rarely do - and they are rarely awarded it. It seldom works in the best interests of the child.

It's unlikely that he is going to be prepared to give up his job and do flexible part time work. It's unlikely that a judge is going to believe that as a p/t worker who has done the majority of the child care that it will be better for your (pre-school?) daughter to be removed from her prime carer for 50% of the week.

Believe me - the courts are used to sorting out twats like your DH. They are well aware of men simply trying to control their ex or avoid paying maintenance.

You know how much equity you have in the house ? He probably has at least the same amount in his pension.

I know it seems overwhelming OP I am literally in the process of divorcing someone who sounds a lot like your husband and very similar circumstances (I cheated)

My advice is to find a really good solicitor- you can book for a 30 min consult for free usually and talk through all of the worries you have about finance and custody etc. Might help clear your head

OP - I think if you ever make it out of this relationship (and I earnestly hope that you do) and read this thread again, you will be shocked by the degree to which he is in your head and controlling your thinking, and by how passive you are being about getting your needs met. You ask for space. He says he will give you space but please can he have lots of sex (marking territory/dog pissing on a tree as a PP said) and can you please show him lots of affection and not talk to your friends etc etc, and you go along with that.

Also - sorry if I’ve missed it, but why couldn’t you take your LO away with you for a weekend? And why can’t you leave with your DD? Of course you can’t leave without her but that doesn’t actually mean you have to stay.

Your marriage is dead. It would be so damaging to your DD to be raised with this marriage as her relationship model. And terribly damaging to you. So I truly hope you get away.

We've just had a discussion about splitting assets/custody. He was extremely calm, I think he told his parents everything today so they've probably given him instructions in how to behave to get the most out of this.

He's said we will split all assets 50:50, he wants custody 50:50, and he won't be paying me any child support. He said he can make his work flexible so he can look after her properly when he has her. He wants to agree this all out of court.

I said I would probably be awarded higher than 50% in court given my lower earning potential but that was something to discuss. I also said I'd never agree to 50% custody while she is so little so we'll probably end up in court over that.

He did a really good job of making me feel like I've ruined all of our lives for nothing full of doubts now over whether we could have got back to happiness together eventually. Wish I'd deleted that bloody phone number!

You can navigate this, of course you can. Your husband is not going to suddenly want or get 50:50 care when you are the primary carer.

As PPs have said, you need legal advice. Once you have legal advice, you don’t need to have the stressful conversations because your lawyer will deal with it. Divorce is a process. It has defined steps which you need to work through. It is really, really stressful standing up to a controlling bully but that is the only way to get the bullying to stop.

I hope you kept OM’s number somewhere else and have not completely deleted it. Not that you will necessarily end up with him, but if you find a way out of this situation you are in now, it would be nice for you to have the option. Your husband really should not have been going through your files.