Whenever your husband tells you what other people are going to think of you, he is wrong. Because what's missing from his horribly distorted perspective is that everyone loves, trusts and understands you. They appreciate and understand you far better than you can possibly realise. Unfortunately, you found the one person who doesn't love, trust or understand you AT ALL, and never will...and you went and married him!!!!!! 😋 and over the years you've just forgotten that it's normal to be trusted and understood.
That's lovely, thank you. Yes, I know that everyone that really knows me and loves me will not let me down and will continue to support me (even if they are surprised at the news!). Unfortunately, my husband used to work where I do currently and so has some friends there still, and he will definitely spread all the sordid details around if we do split. I suppose I will just have to brazen it out and continue to utilise the working from home arrangements to make it manageable!
Do you remember what YOUR own truth is? You don't love this ghastly person who is making your life a misery. And no one will be surprised at that.
Yes, you're right. Although I do think that his friends, for example, won't have seen this side of him, so they won't get it. At the end of the day though, even if there wasn't all of the verbal abuse and the affair, we are just very different people, and he will probably never be on the same page as me, and that is becoming more and more clear as time goes on. Unfortunately we are forever intertwined now and obviously have a huge common interest in our daughter, so it's tricky to see that as separate from everything else that we are lacking.
I think your relationship dynamic is such that you both assume good behaviour is your default - maybe even your natural - state. Any step you make away from perfection - however small - is very harshly judged by both you and your husband. On the other hand your husband has you convinced that any efforts - however small - he makes TOWARDS perfection should be rewarded, and the rest of his behaviour ignored/forgiven/forgotten. It's like a mirror image rather than an equal expectation of each other.
@thermalstair that is so so insightful! Thinking about it, that has been the pattern throughout our relationship. Any mis-step by me and he would come down on me like a ton of bricks (which has made me very defensive over time, and that does annoy him), but if I challenged him on anything at all then I would be met with a load of abuse (e.g. if I caught him in a bad mood, he’d call me a battleaxe, old trout(!), and so on!).
@Katysun – thank you for your thoughts. You’re right, he knows exactly how to twist the knife and he always has been good at that. He is actually very insightful in picking out faults and twisting things so that it really hurts!
Couples counselling went ok the other night, but it wasn’t a particularly helpful session. We focussed on my husband’s past behaviour (next week it’ll be the affair). We ended up having a big argument (during the session!) over my apparent ‘flirtiness’ and it was just incredibly infuriating. He did say a few things that I saw the counsellor raise her eyebrows at, around me failing to properly address his behaviour and instead checking out of the marriage, and at one point he started speaking in a very angry way saying he refused to take all of the blame for everything that had happened. At the end of the call we agreed with the counsellor that we wouldn’t continue discussions offline, but then my husband basically made me talk to him for another hour – but this actually turned out to be quite a good discussion. He was very calm and asked me to explain any other points about his behaviour that I had been thinking about in my individual sessions or general pondering, so that he could fully understand everything. I provided a few examples of recent discussions where I said I felt he had been emotionally manipulative, and he agreed that that was what he had been doing and he needed to stop it. I think off the back of that discussion, because he thinks he’s fully understood all of his past behaviour, he is hoping I will stop thinking about the past and work with him on moving forward together. He is really genuinely trying and is so keen to make me happy. But as I keep saying, it takes me back to my initial issue of whether I can love him again.
I think though, that I have my eyes wide open now (or am at least peeping through them!) and am trying to admit to myself that he is not someone who can ever make me completely happy, even when he is being his best self. That is a really hard thing to admit, partly because acknowledging it and doing something about it means I need to actually put myself and my feelings first, which I am not sure I can do.
Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely weekend and it is as sunny wherever you all are as it is here 
@loveyourself2020 continuing to think of you - hope you are doing ok.