Does love come back/what do I do

[helplesshopeless]

Nc for this.

Advice needed please, I've created a huge mess and can't see a way out/what is for the best. This may be long.

I am married with a 3yo. DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to eachother, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. We have had happy family times too and we both dote on our child.

All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for. It was mainly an emotional affair but there was a small amount of physical contact (we did not have sex). This is someone that I work with, so although we're wfh at the moment, he is in team zoom meetings etc.

My DH found everything out last week. He is angry but also devastated. I have never seen him so upset and it has shocked me that he cares that much about me. He has completely woken up to how he's been treating me and is committed to having anger management therapy and working on things with me. I obviously am ashamed of what I have done and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but he does recognise that his treatment of me took me to a place where I was open to someone else. I still can't believe I had an affair because it is so against my morals and I fully deserve to be judged for it.

We are working on things and will get relationship counselling. There's a lot of self esteem issues that my husband struggles with, especially since we had our child as he's felt like he's been stuck on the outside looking in, and he thinks this is why he's been treating me how he has. I do understand this and it makes sense, but it doesn't change how he's treated me in the past and how damaging I have found it.

My husband wants me to leave my work so there's no interaction with the other man. I totally understand his point but am reluctant to do this as I'd then feel trapped.

I want to get back to a happy place with my husband. I don't want to feel trapped with him. I don't know if I can find my way back to loving him, whether all of this is coming too late after years of awful treatment. I accept I have behaved in a disgusting way and deserve all of this fall out, and am so worried about the impact on our child and how I'd manage if we separate. I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this.

I just don't know if my heart is in this anymore, I want to be able to be happy with him and love him and our family deserves for me to work on this and fully commit to getting back on track, but I have no idea if I'll ever get back to where I need to be.

I am ashamed to admit I still have feelings for the other guy. I could obviously never be with him anyway so that is irrelevant, but it's clouding my judgement. I need to hear from people who have learnt to love their husbands again. Is that a thing? Will we ever get there?

I still can't believe any of this is happening.

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a lovely weekend ☺️

Thanks for all the recent comments. I agree that his past behaviour in terms of the ‘mild’ controlling elements were unacceptable and I’m angry with myself for not seeing it for what it was at the time. I think I made allowances for him from the start as I knew he was insecure and had low self esteem and I was at that point already trying to avoid conflict. I remember our first New Year as a couple, my flatmate invited me to go to a party with her and it caused a huge issue with him (because there’d be guys there) so in the end i declined the invite and went to his house. About a year in to our relationship I went to visit a friend abroad and he would intermittently be awful to me in the run up to it - again I made allowances for him and left him presents around the house for him to find (one for each day I was away) to cheer him up! That kind of behaviour from him did calm down after we were married actually, probably because we were focussed on trying for a baby/being pregnant and so on. There wasn’t much for me to do other than look after our daughter once she arrived so he didn’t have much to take issue with. But looking back, I cannot believe I put up with it. It was definitely coercive control, even if not intentional by him.

What is difficult for me is that if I raised those examples, he would now definitely acknowledge that he had been a dick and I don’t think he’d do that anymore. Obviously with the exception of affair related anxieties! However, I cannot raise them as he’s fed up of me going on about his past behaviour (as I’m meant to be taking responsibility for my own behaviour in the affair, and looking forward).

To PPs who mentioned anger management therapy, he found someone straight away and has been having cbt for around 8 weeks now.

@cavagirl, yes I’m still having individual counselling with a separate counsellor. I do feel like I’m kind of running out of things to talk about now though; I do a lot of staring into space in those sessions!!

@alcemeg thank you, I know you’ve really tried to be careful with how you’ve worded things in previous posts as you know how I struggle with some of the labels used (and I really appreciate that) , and understand that you’ve ran out of patience for that now given recent descriptions of his behaviour! 😁 you mentioned you think I’m in crisis and also mentioned calling a hotline - can I ask what exactly you think my crisis is? I don’t at all mean that in a flippant manner, I just feel like I’d sound like an idiot if I called the hotline and said that my husband gets angry with me because I had an affair!

@whatdirection, you mentioned feeling like you’re in a hostage situation is a definite sign of abuse. I do feel like that. But I feel like I’m in it of my own making - just this morning my husband said he’s done with this as it’s too hard for him to keep acting like things are normal when I’m clearly pretending. But yet again I was the one trying to persuade him that I’m committed to working on it and that we needed to carry on with counselling. So he’s given me a way out (and this has happened many times during this process) and still I cannot bring myself to go through with it. I don’t know if it’s just too much for me or whether (more likely) that I’m scared of dealing with him in the process. I just cannot bring myself to create any conflict with him.

@earthsight, the point about being with a vindictive person really stood out to me. If there’s one piece of advice I’ll give my daughter when she’s older, it will be to be with someone who you know would continue to treat you calmly and respectfully even in the event of separation. I think I knew in the back of my mind that my husband would never behave well in a divorce and I didn’t listen to myself, I wish I had.

@loveyourself2020 so happy to hear you got away for the weekend with your girls! Sounds like you’re in a beautiful spot, I hope you had a lovely time and feel buoyed and rejuvenated ☺️

I think if I did go through with a separation it would suddenly hit me that I had had an affair (and it was definitely an affair, I don't want to minimise it, there was some physical contact too as well as the emotional side) and how much of an awful thing that was, especially as someone with a little girl to be thinking about. I just feel like I've been completely irresponsible and selfish in my behaviour.

cavagirl, yes I’m still having individual counselling with a separate counsellor. I do feel like I’m kind of running out of things to talk about now though; I do a lot of staring into space in those sessions!!

You could start with everything you wrote above

Honestly I think unpicking this:
I feel like I’m in it of my own making - just this morning my husband said he’s done with this as it’s too hard for him to keep acting like things are normal when I’m clearly pretending. But yet again I was the one trying to persuade him that I’m committed to working on it and that we needed to carry on with counselling. So he’s given me a way out (and this has happened many times during this process) and still I cannot bring myself to go through with it. I don’t know if it’s just too much for me or whether (more likely) that I’m scared of dealing with him in the process. I just cannot bring myself to create any conflict with him with your counsellor is going to bring you the most value. If you stay you'll need to create conflict unless you're just going to allow yourself to be sealed into a box ever tighter, and even if you do that to yourself, I can't imagine you'll allow him to do that to your daughter. And if you leave you'll need to create conflict.
And it will all come down to why you don't believe you're important enough to prioritise, why you don't like how it feels to prioritise yourself and the fear/guilt/obligation that comes with it.
And if you struggle to explore well that it could be worth trying a different counsellor. Keep going!

@helplesshopeless

You mentioned you think I’m in crisis and also mentioned calling a hotline - can I ask what exactly you think my crisis is? I don’t at all mean that in a flippant manner, I just feel like I’d sound like an idiot if I called the hotline and said that my husband gets angry with me because I had an affair!

I know you're not joking! I know you are really struggling with this.

I completely understand how difficult it is for you to see anything wrong with your situation, and therefore how important it is to find words to express ideas you can see are real.

I have just quickly (I’m at work) gone through all your posts and made a summary list -- using your own words, so hopefully not putting words into your mouth! 😊

If you called a help line, you could mention some of the following:

I’ve been encouraged to call this help line because others are concerned that I am in an abusive relationship and need help to get out of it. But I am having trouble making sense of the situation myself, and would appreciate your advice.

My husband has always been very controlling, but when we had a child (now 3) he became particularly angry, treating me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time. He also isolated me from friends and family when the child was born.

This treatment resulted in me withdrawing from him and having an emotional affair with someone at work. He found out about this, and we are now having couples counselling.

In our first joint therapy session, he was very rational in how he explained things in a way that I find difficult to reason with, but the therapist challenged a few things he said. In my private sessions, I kept defending him and repeating that he isn’t abusive, but the therapist kept stopping me and saying that the examples I’d given were abuse, and she was appalled at how I’d been treated. She says he uses me as his verbal punchbag.

He has started anger management therapy (CBT) to gain some control over his nasty episodes. He tells me that his therapist said what happened when our daughter arrived (him feeling pushed out by me) was the worst thing that could have happened for someone like him with his struggles (self-esteem, etc).

To help him heal from the hurt of my affair, he is increasingly impatient with me for my lack of emotion (I feel numb/frozen); he needs me to show him more affection/commitment (including, ideally, sex). He thinks I should show more remorse and be making more effort to connect with him. He says I am cold and evil for not feeling anything for him, especially now that he’s deliberately behaving better towards me. He says I’m like a zombie vegetable who is not meeting him halfway at all.

He alternates between being clingy/needy and angry about my betrayal of him. He says I should have told him I wasn’t happy, and he is now making an effort to do things differently, although there are still outbursts and resentment (e.g. him recently snapping at my face for “looking annoying” because I was ill).

He feels I am overreacting to his bullying behaviour in the past and should have had more backbone in standing up to him at the time.

When he is angry with me now, he says it’s because I am failing to deal with issues, e.g. I seem incapable of showing remorse for all the hurt I’ve caused and don’t realise the full impact of my affair on him. He has read a lot about recovering from affairs, and says the guilty party must give up any right to privacy while the injured party heals.

He says we should stay together for the sake of our child, even if I don’t love him. He's written a list of rules/commitments for me to agree to, which include me not sharing too many details with friends about what’s happening. (It did include sex, but I took that off the list, which he wasn’t happy about.)

He wants me to leave my job, and worries that I might be secretly emailing OM. He doesn’t want me to go into the office.

He doesn’t want me to go out for drinks with friends. In the past, when he did allow me out with friends, he would expect me to engage with him all evening on WhatsApp instead of enjoying my time with them. I have lost a friend because she didn’t like him. Another friend, who has only partly seen how he treats me, was worried he might land me in hospital, but he has never been physical.

I don’t trust my own feelings, in fact am not always sure what they are. Deciphering my own thoughts and feelings is difficult when I am alert to/driven by whatever mood he’s in, desperate to get back to feeling safe (him being kind to me). I feel very responsible for his feelings. For example, he told me he was upset by something he accidentally overheard me telling my counsellor. I crave a sense of space. I feel suffocated.

He has said he won’t leave our home even temporarily to give me space, even though he has family nearby he could stay with. So I’d have to leave, which is difficult because my family are not as close, and I don’t want to leave my daughter behind.

I’m used to avoiding conversations with him because I don’t want to deal with his temper/aggression (he sometimes calls me a cunt). He says this behaviour is now all firmly in the past and I should focus on our happy future together.

He appears to be on a new lease of life, and I don’t think it’s fair to take that away from him. But I don’t love him any more. Sometimes he threatens divorce, but I’m afraid of how he will behave if we split up. He’s made it clear he will make my life a misery if I choose that option. I know he will be nasty, vicious, and vindictive.

END OF EPIC LIST!!!

I don’t think you need to explain that sometimes you have a nice time together. Of course you do!

That point about vindictiveness is very, very important. Are you sure you want to commit for life to someone who is just wired up to be mean and selfish? It could easily be another 50 years. Another half century of this! I know you’re waiting for a “crunch moment,” but imagine if this turned out to be some awful life event where you actually needed his genuine love and support. Please don’t put yourself in that position… as someone who has been there (I won’t mention how), it was really not much fun at all. I think part of us hopes that if the crunch really came, DH would be there for us. Well, guess what? He isn’t. I hope you don’t wait to find out.

This might be too much interference on my part, and I am pretty sure that your instinctive response to reading the list above will be to minimise it and/or worry that I’d added two and two to make seven. But I hope it helps

I had a lovely weekend thanks - hope OP and others on this thread did too. The sun is such a mood boost isn't it!

@Alcemeg I think that list must have taken a lot of time and effort and I really hope it's useful for OP. I missed the bit about her friend worrying her husband had landed her in hospital - how bloody chilling. And especially terrifying in a weird way given there's no history of physical violence - he must just sound like he HATES OP and wants to hurt her, even in front of friends

@TheThermalStair it was ages ago:

The friend I went to see on Wednesday knows about this and she said she's not surprised it's got to this, as she hates how he treats me (and she only saw part of it). I went quiet on her for a few days when this all came out last week and she was panicking he'd landed me in hospital - he'd never hurt me like that but I guess it demonstrates the side she's seen of him!

OP I know you're realising what a totally ingrained habit this is but it's heartbreaking to see you continue to blame yourself for everything and him for almost nothing, even while reflecting on his past behaviour. Let me highlight this.

"I agree that his past behaviour in terms of the ‘mild’ controlling elements were unacceptable and I’m angry with myself for not seeing it for what it was at the time. I think I made allowances for him from the start as I knew he was insecure and had low self esteem and I was at that point already trying to avoid conflict. I remember our first New Year as a couple, my flatmate invited me to go to a party with her and it caused a huge issue with him (because there’d be guys there) so in the end i declined the invite and went to his house. About a year in to our relationship I went to visit a friend abroad and he would intermittently be awful to me in the run up to it - again I made allowances for him and left him presents around the house for him to find (one for each day I was away) to cheer him up! That kind of behaviour from him did calm down after we were married actually, probably because we were focussed on trying for a baby/being pregnant and so on. There wasn’t much for me to do other than look after our daughter once she arrived so he didn’t have much to take issue with. But looking back, I cannot believe I put up with it. It was definitely coercive control, even if not intentional by him."

Now let me try to rewrite it putting the blame where it belongs without changing any details:

"I agree that his past behaviour in terms of the ‘mild’ controlling elements were unacceptable and I’m angry with HIM FOR THE WAY HE'S TREATED ME FROM THE BEGINNING. I think HE CONVINCED ME TO TAKE THIS KIND OF POOR TREATMENT BY TELLING ME REPEATEDLY he was insecure and had low self esteem, and SHOWING ME MY LIFE IS MUCH LESS SHIT AND FRIGHTENING IF I avoid conflict. I remember our first New Year as a couple, my flatmate invited me to go to a party with her and HE TOTALLY UNJUSTIFIABLY MADE A JEALOUS FUSS (because there’d be guys there) so in the end I WAS BULLIED INTO declining the invite and went to his house. About a year in to our relationship I went to visit a friend abroad and he would intermittently be awful to me in the run up to it - again HE BULLIED AND VERBALLY ABUSED ME INTO ACCEPTING THIS BEHAVIOUR FROM HIM, AND ALTHOUGH HE DIDN'T SUCCEED IN HIS AIM TO MAKE ME STAY AT HOME, I FELT THE NEED TO COMPENSATE FOR THIS by leaving presents around the house for him to find (one for each day I was away) to cheer him up! That kind of behaviour from him did calm down after we were married actually, probably because we were focussed on trying for a baby/being pregnant and so on. There wasn’t much for me to do other than look after our daughter once she arrived so HE HAD TO FIND NEW EXCUSES TO ABUSE ME NOW THE OLD ONES WERE OUT OF ACTION, FOR EXAMPLE BY WHINGING THAT I DESERVED HIS ABUSE BECAUSE I PUT THE BABY FIRST. But looking back, I cannot believe HE HAS CONTINUOUSLY ABUSED ME FROM DAY ONE DESPITE ME TREATING HIM WITH NOTHING BUT KINDNESS AND ACCEPTANCE UP UNTIL VERY RECENTLY. It was definitely coercive control, AND ALL THIS COERCIVE CONTROLLING TAKES A LOT OF WORK AND IS DONE DELIBERATELY IN ORDER TO KEEP ME IN MY PLACE."

I had an affair and how much of an awful thing that was, especially as someone with a little girl to be thinking of

Could be re-written as ‘I had an affair because I was lost in a situation I did not understand, where I was unsupported and abused, where I tried my best but was met with anger and contempt. The aftermath of the affair helped me understand the situation I was in. I do not want my little girl to think this situation is normal’.

I have avoided bringing your Dd in because I think that is in a way emotional manipulation. I am only referencing her now because you have. At some point she is going to be old enough to recognise coercive control because she will be taught about it in PSE.

@TheThermalStair Nice job!

ALL THIS COERCIVE CONTROLLING TAKES A LOT OF WORK AND IS DONE DELIBERATELY IN ORDER TO KEEP ME IN MY PLACE

OP might find it easier to accept "instinctively" rather than "deliberately" ... but the effect is the same. 🤐

Fair point - there’s a difference between unthinking cruelty and planned-out-in-a-notebook cruelty, but the effect on the person is similar I guess.

@TheThermalStair for all we know, he does have such a notebook! 🤣 It's certainly textbook stuff.

I think that list must have taken a lot of time and effort and I really hope it's useful for OP
I work from home, am self-employed, and type fast, so it took me less than half an hour. That's how easy it is, from the outside and with the benefit of hindsight, to piece together this sinister jigsaw.

Of course much, much harder/impossible for OP, who is embedded in it all. OP, I'm sure much of this just sounds like over-interpretation and projection... But I hope reading through a summary of what you've posted helps you to see the overall picture.

Re him being nice sometimes, to use another tasteless example, that's a bit like the sweets a paedophile offers children. Along similar lines, your feeling that everything is your fault also derives from his clever manipulation of the situation. Sorry

I am going to share something l found on manipulative behaviours on the internet. Apologies l am not sure of the source. It was a lightbulb moment for me. I went through each of the different ‘types’ and found real life examples in my own relationship. It’s long but enlightening- l hope you find it useful Op, and if not maybe many other women who read this thread will;

Manipulative behaviours

Favorite covert weapons of manipulators are: guilt, complaining, comparing, lying, denying, feigning ignorance or innocence (e.g.“Who, me!?”), blame, bribery, undermining, mind games, assumptions, “foot-in-the-door,” reversals, emotional blackmail, evasiveness, forgetting, inattention, fake concern, sympathy, apologies, flattery, and gifts and favors.

Typical tactics are described below:

Lying

Habitual liars sometimes lie when it’s unnecessary. They aren’t lying because they’re afraid and guilty, but to confuse you and do what they want. Some simultaneously put you on the defensive with accusations and other manipulative tactics. Lying may also be indirect, through vagueness and/or omission of material information, though everything else said is true. For example, a cheater might say he or she was working late or at the gym, but not admit to an adulterous rendezvous.

Denial

This isn’t denial that’s unconscious, like not realizing you’ve been abused, have an addiction, or are avoiding facing difficult truths. This is conscious denial to disclaim knowledge of promises, agreements, and behavior. Denial also includes minimization and rationalization or excuses. The manipulator acts as if you’re making a big deal over nothing or rationalizes and excuses his or her actions to make you doubt yourself or even to gain your sympathy.

Avoidance

Manipulators want to avoid being confronted and having to take responsibility at all costs. They may avoid conversations about their behavior by simply refusing to discuss it. This might be combined with an attack, like“You’re always nagging me,” putting you on the defensive with blame, guilt. Avoidance can be subtle and unnoticeable when a manipulator shifts the subject. It may be camouflaged with boasting, compliments, or remarks you want to hear, like, “You know how much I care about you.” You might forget why you were upset in the first place. Another avoidance tactic is evasiveness that blurs the facts, confuses you and plants doubt. I once went out with a man who claimed we were incompatible because I was too precise and he was a “gloss-over” kind of guy. Precisely! He felt uncomfortable when I’d ask questions or note inconsistencies in his half-truths. It became apparent that he was a skilled, manipulative liar. It’s easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt and go into denial yourself when you’re hopeful about a relationship. When you have doubts, trust them!

Blame, Guilt, and Shame

These tactics include projection, a defense where the manipulator accuses others of his or own behavior. Manipulators believe “The best defense is a good offense.” By shifting the blame, the aggrieved person is now on the defensive. The manipulator remains innocent and free to carry on, while their victims now feel guilt and shame.

Abusers typically blame their victims or anyone else. Be wary of an apology that is really another manipulation. Addicts typically blame their addiction on other people, their demanding boss or “bitchy” spouse. A criminal defendant with no defense will attack the police or their methods.

I counseled a couple in a domestic violence case,where the violent husband blamed his wife for his violence. I said to him, “I’m surprised your wife has that much power over you.” He was dumbfounded, since his whole agenda was to gain power over her.

Guilt-tripping and shaming shift the focus onto you, which weakens you while the abuser feels superior. Martyrs use guilt when they say or imply“After all I’ve done for you,” sometimes combined with criticism that you’re selfish or ungrateful.

Shaming goes beyond guilt to make you feel inadequate. It demeans you as a person, not just your actions. “The children would behave if they had a father who knew how to parent (or, made a decent living.)” Comparing is a subtle but powerful form of shaming. It’s harmful when parents compare siblings with each other or with playmates. Some spouses compare their mate to their ex to have the upper hand by making their mate feel inferior.

Guilt and shaming may include “blaming the victim.” For example, you find evidence on your partner’s phone that he or she is flirting. Your partner acts outraged that you went into the phone. Now he or she has switched the focus onto you. By blaming you, your partner has avoided a confrontation about flirting, and may also lie about it, minimize, or circumvent it altogether. You, the real victim, feel guilty for spying, undercutting any justified anger, and may thereby allow the flirting to continue unaddressed.

Intimidation

Intimidation doesn't always involvedirect threats. It can be achieved with a look or tone and statements like: “I always get my way;” “No one’s irreplaceable;” “The grass isn’t any greener;” “I have friends in high places;” “You’re not so young anymore;” or “Have you considered the repercussions of that decision?” Another strategy is telling a story meant to provoke fear, such as: “She left her husband and lost her kids, their house, everything.” “I fight to win. I once almost killed a guy.”

Playing the Victim

This is distinct from blaming the victim. Rather than blame you, this “poor me” tactic arouses your guilt and sympathy so you’ll do their bidding. “I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t help me.” More disordered personalities often threaten suicide if you leave. It can also take the form of, “You don’t care about me;” “Why do you treat me like this?” or “Nobody helps me.” Your compliance breeds your resentment, damages the relationship, and encourages continued manipulation. Guilt over someone else’s behavior or predicament is irrational guilt

Conclusion

These tactics are destructive. You can forgive, but don't forget. Manipulation will likely continue. Over time, this is traumatic and can severely damage your self-worth. Awareness is the first step. You may need help to see things clearly. Write out conversations and try to identify abuse and all the tactics used. Harder still is not taking the words of the manipulator personally and learning how to respond.

I've been lurking a while so apologies for jumping into the thread quite late. I've been thinking for some time that a really important step for you will be to forgive yourself for the affair. It's clear (especially so from your last post) that you are holding this against yourself as much (perhaps even more?) than your husband is, and that this is stopping you from moving forward. It's like the affair makes you think that you deserve anything that comes your way. But look, people f* up all the time, and that's all this was - a situation where you didn't act in line with your values and morals. It's not great when that happens, but neither is it awful, and regardless, it happened, so you need to find a way to integrate it into your life story without it being a stick that you beat yourself with. I'm sure if a friend, or even a stranger on this thread were in this situation, you'd extend great compassion to them and wouldn't ask them to keep punishing themselves.

Self criticism is a pernicious thing. Even if your husband was the nicest person in the universe, the shame that's eating you up right now will continue to consume your future happiness. But as your husband clearly isn't the nicest person, he knows that he can hold this over your head as a means to control you.

Perhaps you could ask your therapist to explore this in the sessions, and use some self compassion techniques to help you to move beyond shame and into a greater acceptance that you're allowed to be imperfect.

That’s really wise @roseandlaurel

It’s so hard to have compassion for ourselves.

Thank you, OP, I had an amazing time with my DDs and actually did not want to leave at all. We figured, since the camp had an amazingly fast Wi-Fi that I could stay and work from there, since I had my laptop with me. Since my STBX is still home and causing me a lot of anxiety, I might actually do that at least a few more days until he is (hopefully) gone.

I have to say that I understand a lot how OP is feeling right now and I am sure that she is indeed beating herself with that stick, (her affair) all the time. My heart breaks every time I think of her, because like all of you, I do not blame her at all for finding refuge in someone else’s arms, but I know that she does. OP is amazing human being, so kind and thoughtful and it will be hard to ever forgive herself, I know this. OP had struggled with her husband for years and perhaps thought about leaving before the affair. If she had left him before the affair, perhaps she would not be feeling so guilty and could focus all her energy on dealing with her husband and his issues. He also would not have that to use against her. I understand because I am in a similar situation.

Over a year ago I was ready to leave my husband after struggling for years, because I was not happy, due to his controlling, emotionally and financially abusive behavior etc. I did not do it because of Covid. I decided to wait. During this year our family went through hell. He lost his amazing job, he lost his mom due to a very tragic accident, my DDs went through MH crises, serious once, literally all hell broke loose. However, for me, this was it, I was working on leaving this marriage, with the help of a therapist, for a long time and I just could not pull back, even though it looked like I should due to all the circumstances. So, I did, when he asked me directly, I could not lie and pretend, like I have been for years, I said I wanted to separate. But now, instead of feeling happy and liberated, because I am going to finally be free of his control, I feel guilty and ashamed and he is behaving like a victim because I am leaving him at the lowest point of his life. I know everyone else, including our kids, will feel the same. I know that there is no point in going back when you cannot change anything, but I wish I had dealt with this last year, I would have felt much more victorious then I do now.

It's easy for our moral compass to run off course -- skewed out of line by neurotic attachments, false promises and a misplaced sense of duty. But there is a little instinct in us that seeks out truth and kindness, even (perhaps especially) in the coldest of circumstances, like a cat finding a warm place to shelter.

This is what you were doing in your affair, @helplesshopeless. It was a cry from the soul. Some tiny part of you that still believed in love needed confirmation that it does exist; that you are lovable, that you deserve love, that life need not be so cruel.

And you found confirmation of all this. And that is very, very useful information to have on board as you navigate these treacherous waters.

This is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary. It is to be applauded. This sort of instinct is exactly why, at the end of Room With a View, we are excited and happy for Lucy when she dumps Cecil, instead of feeling she should have stuck by her solemn promises to him.

I'm pretty sure you read my list recapping your posts, and got to the bit where I described it as an emotional affair, and began discounting the rest, because it was more than that. But the fact is, you were not driven to it by lust. You were driven by emotional desperation. You'd never have considered it if you hadn't been made so utterly miserable by your DH.

And you know what? If you'd been shagging like bunny-rabbits, so what? It doesn't change anything about what your DH has always done and continues to do.

Sorry to bang on, @helplesshopeless, but your username says it all.

You would not feel helpless and hopeless in a normal/happy marriage.

@loveyourself2020, just to say, well done

There is never a right time to do this sort of thing, or a right way to do it.

Sometimes life throws all its junk at us and we just have to find a way through. I'm so glad you stuck to your proper course.

@Alcemeg
Thank you, you see there comes the point in once life when things just fall in line. This was that moment for me. I looked at my husband for a second there and realized that there is no way I could lie to him and say that I am ok. I have "crossed to the other side" and there was no going back for me.

I think that OP is close but not there yet, so we have to be patient with her I think, just a little longer. At this point I just want to tell my kids as lying to them every day really gets to me.

@loveyourself2020 yes! I feel no impatience whatsoever with OP. On the contrary, I completely understand the confusion and anxiety. It's all part of the deal.

Kids understand more than we think, and I'm sure they will (in time, if not immediately) appreciate what you've done -- for them, as well as for yourself.

@helplesshopeless

I think if I did go through with a separation it would suddenly hit me that I had had an affair (and it was definitely an affair, I don't want to minimise it, there was some physical contact too as well as the emotional side) and how much of an awful thing that was, especially as someone with a little girl to be thinking about. I just feel like I've been completely irresponsible and selfish in my behaviour.

You sound utterly brainwashed. It makes me so angry and sad for you. Wish we could all do something to make you believe what we are all saying: get rid of this man. Regardless of what you did, he is an awful human being and treats you terribly, still.

@helplesshopeless

I remember our first New Year as a couple, my flatmate invited me to go to a party with her and it caused a huge issue with him (because there’d be guys there) so in the end i declined the invite and went to his house.

So right from the start he's had a fear about you even being in the presence of other 'guys', and in his completely misguided attempts to stop you going off with one he has actually driven you into the arms of one!

Just goes to show, you can't actually stop someone from straying, no matter what strategies you put in place. In fact those strategies have backfired spectacularly! Because if he hadn't been such an insecure, controlling and unpleasant arse, you would probably not have become involved with OM.

He created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And even now he thinks he can stop you doing it again, with more restrictions etc. Even after you've shown him that actually he can't control you to that extent to prevent you from doing the very thing he's always assumed and feared you wanted to do. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I'm not surprised you ended up having an affair, but also I'm amazed you actually dared!

So while he's thinking up and trying to implement new rules, strategies, agreements etc in order to stop you doing such a thing again he's probably ensuring that you will! You'll either do it again, or you will leave him.

As a result of how he's behaving now, in the present.

He hasn't learned anything. He still thinks he'll be able to control what you decide to do.

Even though you've just proven the exact opposite.

The irony

@helplesshopeless

I'd like to add something else.

The fact that you had the self-surviving balls to actually have that affair, is what shows you that you are able to, deep down, do what is needed for you, for your self preservation. You do care about yourself.

It shows him that too. And that is why he is scared now. You might get away from him. Because you both know that deep down you have the ability to save yourself.

loveyourself you have no way of knowing how you would have felt if you had already left before covid. Maybe you would still feel guilty that you left and have gone back because things were tough for him, whereas you lived through the situation with him and left when you felt it was appropriate to. Trust your judgement, lovely. There are no victories in the situation you describe, just slowly and steadily untangling the knots of expectations of others, which is particularly hard if you have been in a controlling situation.

OP, you didn't go looking for an affair, you happened to work & meet someone who was kind, interesting, sympathetic & all the things you were missing in your marriage.
When it became clear the friend was becoming a potential lover, you reigned it in, you stopped being happy it & even confessed to your H.
He has beaten you over the head with it ever since.
I honestly believe you have NOTHING to feel guilt over.
The affair, was just a reaction to meeting a person who showed you simply basic kindness after having been controlled & manipulated since before you even married your shit of a husband