Does love come back/what do I do

[helplesshopeless]

Nc for this.

Advice needed please, I've created a huge mess and can't see a way out/what is for the best. This may be long.

I am married with a 3yo. DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to eachother, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. We have had happy family times too and we both dote on our child.

All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for. It was mainly an emotional affair but there was a small amount of physical contact (we did not have sex). This is someone that I work with, so although we're wfh at the moment, he is in team zoom meetings etc.

My DH found everything out last week. He is angry but also devastated. I have never seen him so upset and it has shocked me that he cares that much about me. He has completely woken up to how he's been treating me and is committed to having anger management therapy and working on things with me. I obviously am ashamed of what I have done and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but he does recognise that his treatment of me took me to a place where I was open to someone else. I still can't believe I had an affair because it is so against my morals and I fully deserve to be judged for it.

We are working on things and will get relationship counselling. There's a lot of self esteem issues that my husband struggles with, especially since we had our child as he's felt like he's been stuck on the outside looking in, and he thinks this is why he's been treating me how he has. I do understand this and it makes sense, but it doesn't change how he's treated me in the past and how damaging I have found it.

My husband wants me to leave my work so there's no interaction with the other man. I totally understand his point but am reluctant to do this as I'd then feel trapped.

I want to get back to a happy place with my husband. I don't want to feel trapped with him. I don't know if I can find my way back to loving him, whether all of this is coming too late after years of awful treatment. I accept I have behaved in a disgusting way and deserve all of this fall out, and am so worried about the impact on our child and how I'd manage if we separate. I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this.

I just don't know if my heart is in this anymore, I want to be able to be happy with him and love him and our family deserves for me to work on this and fully commit to getting back on track, but I have no idea if I'll ever get back to where I need to be.

I am ashamed to admit I still have feelings for the other guy. I could obviously never be with him anyway so that is irrelevant, but it's clouding my judgement. I need to hear from people who have learnt to love their husbands again. Is that a thing? Will we ever get there?

I still can't believe any of this is happening.

That is good @roseandlaurel

I think if I did go through with a separation it would suddenly hit me that I had had an affair (and it was definitely an affair
Even though you have not separated, you clearly know what you did and feel bad about it. What would the difference be if you left? Do you mean that you would rather not separate because by staying you are doing penance for your affair? Or that if you leave it means you had an exit affair and it makes it worse? (Neither of these things are correct or a good reason to stay.)

Hello everyone. I feel bad that I only manage to get up here to update once a day at most usually, and you are all so quick to respond! Thank you again to you all.

@Alcemeg thank you so so much for that list! Honestly I am so grateful for your time and support (and to so many others as well). It's funny, reading everything you put there, it sounds extremely dramatic and worrying, but in reality it does not feel at all like that! Which you guessed would be my reaction I suppose in saying that I might minimise it all. I guess I'm not feeling the urgency/seriousness of it at the moment because we're in a 'good' phase currently and he's got a lot better through his therapy at managing his moods. You're right though, I do think the affair was a 'cry from the soul'...certainly not a conscious one, but a gradual awakening I think to experiencing love and support and being 'seen' by someone.

@TheThermalStair thank you for the time you took in re-writing my post how you did. It's interesting to see the difference in slants! When reading it my initial reaction was 'well, I suppose that's because I'm telling the story from my perspective, he would do the same from his side' but actually of course he wouldn't - he would be minimising his behaviour and explaining it away as being my fault.

On that point though of his minimising, we had another discussion about it yesterday and I tried again to explain how he had made me feel in the past. I was rubbish at giving examples/explaining the 'drip drip drip' nature of everything but he did say he could see how I could have felt restricted in making plans with friends and like I didn't want to do anything that would create conflict. So he is at least taking on board what I'm saying (sometimes). However in the same conversation he said that when we met he and everyone else apparently thought I was the biggest flirt that they all knew, which was why he was paranoid about me talking to guys (I was absolutely not a flirt - just friendly chit chat at most!).

‘I had an affair because I was lost in a situation I did not understand, where I was unsupported and abused, where I tried my best but was met with anger and contempt. The aftermath of the affair helped me understand the situation I was in. I do not want my little girl to think this situation is normal’

@KatySun that is such a clear summary of where I was at. Whenever I try to explain that to my husband I sound like I'm being dramatic, that I didn't try hard enough to make the marriage work, but your post really clearly spells it out to me. And I only mentioned my daughter because he does, he says I let her down and failed to put her first in having an affair it's hard to think of what to say back to that (I know the obvious answer is that he also failed to put her first in his treatment of me).

@Isthisit22 funnily enough, I can see his words in me in that post. It's all coming from him, he had just said something similar to me before I posted!

@Whatdirection thank you for the list of manipulative behaviours. I recognise a lot of those in my husband's past behaviour. I used to get so frustrated because I could see what he was doing in some cases but was not able to effectively respond to shut it down. I would say that in the last few weeks he's stopped all of this behaviour really, with the exception of infrequent and fairly mild (compared to usual) discussions around my affair (where I perhaps I also display those behaviours?!) when he is feeling down.

@FantasticButtocks I love your posts, they make me smile!! I hope you're right, that I do have the ability to save myself.

I can feel myself sinking back into accepting status quo now, because things really are improving with him, and I genuinely think its a long term change. I don't actually want to be accepting it though. I suppose that takes me back full circle to my initial position - assuming he maintains his 'new me' behaviour, will love come back. I definitely feel like I have my eyes open now though, thanks to all of you, and I am going to be on the look out in our joint therapy session tomorrow night for manipulative behaviours and everything else that comes with it.

@loveyourself2020 how lovely that you are working from a tent in the mountains! I totally get what you mean around feeling like you'd have been more victorious if you'd managed to leave before everything went south. As my therapist says though, you have to stay with your own truth, and your truth is that you had had enough and could not keep going with it. You're so brave to actually listen to yourself and actually follow through!

@roseandlaurel thank you for your kind words as well. I do feel like the shame from the affair is holding me back - it's almost as if separating makes it real (because there's a very real consequence of my affair all of a sudden). My therapist is definitely talking to me about loving and valuing myself, and extending the same care to myself that I do to others. I think I usually would do that (for myself), but am having real struggles to extending that to an affair because it's such an extreme behaviour!

@ravenmum I don't think I'm consciously staying to do penance for my affair, but I do feel like it puts me in the position where I really need to give it my all to see if we can make it work. I have some sort of fear of being labelled as leaving my husband for another man (which let's face it, sounds incredibly callous, especially with a young child involved), so I'm very much trying to avoid that narrative.

he and everyone else apparently thought I was the biggest flirt that they all knew, which was why he was paranoid
I'd take that with a massive, MASSIVE pinch of salt.

I was rubbish at giving examples/explaining
No, you weren't. He's just rubbish at understanding you. Or giving you the satisfaction of knowing that everything you say makes perfect sense. Because you know where that leads, if you start to trust yourself!

I can see his words in me in that post.
He has taken control of your mind, unfortunately. That's what makes your situation so sinister, although you don't feel it's anywhere near as "dramatic" as my list suggested!

I have some sort of fear of being labelled as leaving my husband for another man (which let's face it, sounds incredibly callous, especially with a young child involved)
I am pretty sure anyone who knows your husband would secretly be cheering you on for having managed to escape his clutches in whatever way you could!

I'm very much trying to avoid that narrative.
Let me guess, you are terrified by the bullying way your husband has painted the scenario. He describes it to you in such spiteful, nasty terms and lets you think that's how everyone else is going to judge you. Just like everyone else apparently thought you were the biggest flirt ever. Yeah, right... 🙄 No one, literally no one, saw you as a normal woman just interacting pleasantly with others? No one?

I'm afraid his mental illness is poisoning your whole view of reality.

I have some sort of fear of being labelled as leaving my husband for another man (which let's face it, sounds incredibly callous, especially with a young child involved), so I'm very much trying to avoid that narrative.
Who would label you callous, do you think, and who would that affect, how?

One of my friends had an affair, split up with her husband and was with the OM for some time, though not living together. Long story short, the complications, guilt and double-guessing related to hiding the truth make it all much worse imho. She's not even with the OM any more but still feels as if she has to hide her latest relationship.
I was very open about my exh's affair but he hasn't lost any friends as a result, and as nothing was hidden he was just able to go off with his OW and do as he liked. The discussion died down pretty quickly. I'd say most people assume that our relationship was more or less over anyway, and it's just one of those things. Do you live in a community where it would be a scandal for long?

Ah! That makes sense that the point about your daughter came from him. It is emotional manipulation. Jeez.

Am working so I have not read your whole reply, only the bit directed at me.

I think the response is basically to take his blame and emotional manipulation and metaphorically put it on the table, to be honest.

But if you wish to engage in an argument about this, the point is that your relationship with and parenting of your daughter is entirely separate to what goes on in your marital relationship, particularly as your affair happened outside the house, unless he also wishes to bring his behaviour into the equation, and bear in mind that happened inside the house.

Did your affair affect your ability to carry out your parental responsibilities? Your parental responsibilities, not your marital vows. Keep that distinction very clear in your head going forward. Your affair (outside the house) did not interfere with your ability to fulfil your parental responsibilities and there is no court in the land which would suggest that it did. Those days are past.

And yes, honestly when we met he and everyone else apparently thought I was the biggest flirt that they all knew - bollocks, sorry. If he judged you for being a nasty flirt then he shouldn't have got together with you. And who is everyone? Does he mean he sat around with his mates saying "oooh, that hh, she's a right flirt, eh, isn't she?" and all the people in the room spoke up in chorus and condemned you for leching over them?

** Don't worry, I definitely did not accept the flirt remark! I know that is complete nonsense. When his remarks are so obviously silly I can see it for what it is, but when he starts picking at behaviour around the affair or my failure to address his past behaviour, I'm much more vulnerable to getting sucked in.

Let me guess, you are terrified by the bullying way your husband has painted the scenario. He describes it to you in such spiteful, nasty terms and lets you think that's how everyone else is going to judge you

Yep, pretty much...he hasn't done this in the last few weeks, but prior to that in discussing the affair he's basically told me how terrible things I am, how I'm a slut, I've ruined everything, I've taken him for a mug, and so on.

Do you live in a community where it would be a scandal for long?

I think I'm mainly sad to think of those on my husband's side (both friends and family) who I know would be shocked at my behaviour. His family can be quite judgmental and are obviously going to take his 'side' which is fine, but it will make things difficult to deal with. He has some lovely friends that i'd probably no longer see if we split and so I'd have to leave things in the knowledge that their perception is me cheating and leaving my husband for someone else, when for all he knew (my husband) we were happy together. But no, in terms of a wider community I don't think it would even register!

Did your affair affect your ability to carry out your parental responsibilities? Your parental responsibilities, not your marital vows. Keep that distinction very clear in your head going forward

That is really really useful, thank you. Actually somewhat of a revelation for me.

I had another little revelation just now - I was chatting to a friend about an argument me and my husband had yesterday, and mentioned that my husband was insisting that I was trying to steal our daughter from him and he would fight me in court to prevent me from doing so. I was distraught at the idea that he actually thinks I would be attempting to do that. My friend pointed out that him saying that to me was emotional blackmail. It just had not occurred to me, as I am so used to excusing what he says when he is upset. I think if I challenged him on that point today (when things are calm and friendly) he'd say that of course he doesn't think that, he was just feeling upset and anxious about seeing our daughter if we split. Which I understand. But the point still stands that him saying those things is emotional blackmail and it causes me obvious distress when he does it.

Bold issues again 🙄flip the bold from the first para to the second! 😁

Gah, and my response to alcemeg's comment should say he's telling me how terrible everyone thinks I am, rather than 'terrible things I am'

I'd have to leave things in the knowledge that their perception is me cheating and leaving my husband for someone else, when for all he knew (my husband) we were happy together.
How badly and for how long do you think it would affect you to know that someone who doesn't know you well enough to judge your character might believe his version of events?

My husband told his OW some pretty big porkies about me (some real dingers), and at first I felt awful knowing that he might have told other people similar lies. I got therapy. And also saw with my own eyes how little interest other people paid to my version of events! I told my dad how exh met up with OW in a brothel where you could book rooms by the hour (among other things). But my dad still thinks that maybe I somehow got the wrong end of the stick, telling me a story about how his wife once thought he was chatting a fellow rambler up as she saw them chatting together at breakfast!
It's actually been quite good for me to practice not worrying as much about what others think.

he's basically told me how terrible everyone thinks I am, how I'm a slut, I've ruined everything, I've taken him for a mug, and so on.
...and although you must surely know that this is nonsense (just like the "flirt" nonsense!), you must have internalised some of it.

He is painting an ugly portrait of you, holding up yet another distorting mirror in which you see yourself reflected ... and you think that's what you look like to others. You really, really don't. Just because your husband treats you with derision and contempt doesn't mean other people see you the same way. Other people are ... well, more normal! He is the one with a vicious mind that constantly mutilates his vision of you (and, tragically, your own vision of yourself).

Pretty sure anyone who knows him, including his friends, will not be scratching their heads wondering why on earth the marriage failed and blaming you.

His family can be quite judgmental and are obviously going to take his 'side'
Well, they raised this monster. You're better off without people like that in your life! 😁

He has some lovely friends that i'd probably no longer see if we split and so I'd have to leave things in the knowledge that their perception is me cheating and leaving my husband for someone else, when for all he knew (my husband) we were happy together.
His friends aren't daft. When he says you were perfectly happy together as far as he was concerned, they will be reading very clearly between the lines. He's an immature fool who just won't admit failure on his own part and must have someone to blame. I bet they like you more than him.

Sorry to say that losing friends tends to happen anyway when a marriage ends. It's very difficult to stay friends with people who've known you as a couple, because you don't want them to be piggy in the middle. That's OK, though, because you make a whole lot of new friends. Without the ball and chain round your ankle, I'm pretty sure you will be very popular! Especially with that sluttish flirty nature of yours 🤣

Glad you are talking to your friend about things OP. How about your sister or parents?

I'd like to challenge a bit your version of events that you say here: I would say that in the last few weeks he's stopped all of this behaviour really, with the exception of infrequent and fairly mild (compared to usual) discussions around my affair and I wonder if these are essentially his words or yours. Is it your assessment that he's a changed man, based on the evidence you see? Or is he frequently telling you he's a changed man, which is a narrative you now believe regardless of evidence?

Here's a short few examples of things you've posted in the last few weeks. It's not exhaustive.

We had a bit of a blip last night, my husband had been stewing over my affair and got very upset, had some drinks, got angry and had an outburst at me.

in a bad moment the other day he said he thinks I am throwing away my family when he has so much to give me, just because I am pining over the OM and that he thought that was pathetic.

He's become worried that I am secretly emailing the OM at work (I'm not) and he started spiralling a bit over that and becoming more and more stroppy over it.

he's become down about me not opening up to him again, unfortunately this has manifested in lots of unpleasantness from him.

He's also said I'm cold and evil for not feeling anything for him

...Led to lots of threats about divorce and custody battles

Luckily he decided to sleep in a different bedroom last night as he was starting to get quite angry about my affair before he relocated

My husband had his usual struggles of seeing other happy families, getting frustrated that I wasn't putting effort in to be affectionate, getting slightly unpleasant about the affair, and saying its over.

Maybe as it's not as bad as it's been in the past but this is sometime who is supposedly on the best behaviour, trying to win you back (whatever that means).

I know you are locked in this argument with yourself about wanting to leave/not having enough justification to leave - I suspect he realises this, consciously or subconsciously, hence the storyline "I'm a changed man"/"everyone will know you had an affair if we break up"/custody threats. He knows exactly which buttons to press to keep you in this spinning cycle of guilt and self-doubt.

Drop the rope. Tell your sister and parents, tell them about your affair and his behaviour. Watch as they don't disown you as a shameless harpie, and in fact support you and sympathise. You don't have to have decided to leave in order to tell them. Even if you stay in the marriage, it's better that they know, so he can't hold the threat of telling them over you in future.

You know what...embrace the bold, the brazen, the shameless, the flirty and anything else that says BALLS TO THE EXTREME DICKHEAD.

How badly and for how long do you think it would affect you to know that someone who doesn't know you well enough to judge your character might believe his version of events?

I'm sure I'd get over it, I think it's just making the initial splash into that territory! I think it's because I'm seen (as has been joked about before) as quite 'pure' and so that perception will be blasted into smithereens! Which I guess will make it a bit more of a shocking revelation for everyone.

I think the worst bit for me is how it reflects on me as a mother. I've poured my whole self into being the best mummy I can be and I feel like the affair ruins that, in a way, because it's going to result in a broken home and potentially damaged attachments between her and her parents

He is painting an ugly portrait of you, holding up yet another distorting mirror in which you see yourself reflected ... and you think that's what you look like to others.

Yes, he's told me it so often that it does seem to have imprinted on me. He hates that my friends don't tell me the same actually, he seems to think my best friends should also laden me with judgement.

Without the ball and chain round your ankle, I'm pretty sure you will be very popular! Especially with that sluttish flirty nature of yours 🤣

Ha!!!! That really made me laugh 😆😆😆

Is it your assessment that he's a changed man, based on the evidence you see? Or is he frequently telling you he's a changed man, which is a narrative you now believe regardless of evidence?

A bit of both, I think. He is really trying and really beats himself up over any tempers he has now. But I definitely see a marked improvement, especially in the last week (ie since those examples you listed, which were slightly less recent).

Drop the rope. Tell your sister and parents, tell them about your affair and his behaviour. Watch as they don't disown you as a shameless harpie, and in fact support you and sympathise. You don't have to have decided to leave in order to tell them. Even if you stay in the marriage, it's better that they know, so he can't hold the threat of telling them over you in future.

Yes, I am tempted to tell them now actually, probably just because it's draining me now. I haven't spoken to my sister yet as I'd rather do it in person, she's meant to be coming the weekend after next ☺️

You know what...embrace the bold, the brazen, the shameless, the flirty and anything else that says BALLS TO THE EXTREME DICKHEAD

😁😁😁😁😁😁

This will sound strange, but I feel almost drunk with gratitude for you all. You know that tipsy feeling after a few drinks when you just really love everyone and want to tell them all 😂 to clarify, I have not had any alcohol (I'm working!) but I really do appreciate you all!

Ahhh bless you 💗 we love you too!

Whenever your husband tells you what other people are going to think of you, he is wrong. Because what's missing from his horribly distorted perspective is that everyone loves, trusts and understands you. They appreciate and understand you far better than you can possibly realise. Unfortunately, you found the one person who doesn't love, trust or understand you AT ALL, and never will...and you went and married him!!!!!! 😋 and over the years you've just forgotten that it's normal to be trusted and understood.

But it is never too late to reverse a horrible accident/mistake!!!!!! I'm sure you'd never have signed up for this if you'd known how things would turn out with him.

Next time he's telling you what other people are going to think/say about you, just remind yourself -- or even tell him: No, they won't. Because other people actually RESPECT me. Unlike you!

You absolutely MUST tell your parents and your sister. And tell your friends everything, not just the edited highlights.

I'm pretty sure telling them will solve your situation without you having to do anything at all, because they will be racing each other to get their hands on your DH and wring his neck 😎

I think the worst bit for me is how it reflects on me as a mother. I've poured my whole self into being the best mummy I can be and I feel like the affair ruins that, in a way, because it's going to result in a broken home and potentially damaged attachments between her and her parents sad.
This makes me so, so sad for the horribly distorted vision your DH has given you. Being the best mummy you can be means not letting some nasty bully control you and beat you into the ground. The affair didn't ruin anything, it gave you a much-needed glimpse of normality! The "damaged attachments" are the fault of your stupid DH!

I actually have this lovely little fantasy where one afternoon you just stand up from your desk and go "Sod this, I'm out" and go and fling yourself gladly into the arms of OM, preferably wearing some lovely Jane Austen-type gown 😍 and then we all end up as flower girls at your next wedding!!!!!! 🤣

I've poured my whole self into being the best mummy I can be and I feel like the affair ruins that, in a way, because it's going to result in a broken home and potentially damaged attachments between her and her parents
The looming spectre of the broken home again. That phrase has a lot to answer for.
However hard you try as a mum, your daughter doesn't have the option of living in a home with a loving, happy mum and dad who are both kind to her and each other. She has never had that option. You are still describing how your husband is manipulating you, today, when on his best behaviour so far in your daughter's life. If you are weighing up the pros and cons in this way - based on your daughter's living arrangements - you need to factor in the other things that can potentially damage her attachment to you both if you are together.

How are gouging to discuss this with your sister ? he will be stuck to you like a limpet.
he has already told you not to tell people your situation truth

I don't think your affair affected being a "Great Mummy", when you fell into the arms of the OM, it was when your Dick husband had already burst the Mummy & Daddy happy bubble

Out of interest; You walk into a room & both OM & Dick are there.
Which one would you leave with if you had to choose ? (DC not withstanding)

gouging = going !

Wow, I have spent many an hour in the last year or so on MN and this is by far my favorite thread, and you OP are my favorite person, and it seems that I am not alone. There is so much love being shared on these pages, mostly directed to you and I just hope that you feel at least some of it.

@Alcemeg this was really great- made me all happy and festive.
I actually have this lovely little fantasy where one afternoon you just stand up from your desk and go "Sod this, I'm out" and go and fling yourself gladly into the arms of OM, preferably wearing some lovely Jane Austen-type gown and then we all end up as flower girls at your next wedding!!!!!! 🤣

This of course made me laugh out loud, after so much time, so thank you for that.
Without the ball and chain round your ankle, I'm pretty sure you will be very popular! Especially with that sluttish flirty nature of yours

OP, you posted this for me As my therapist says though, you have to stay with your own truth, and your truth is that you had had enough and could not keep going with it. You're so brave to actually listen to yourself and actually follow through! , and it is funny that my therapist taught me something similar that was my karma for a while, “Be true to yourself”.

The phrase broken home originates in the mid-twentieth century I think and was applied to any kind of home which did not have two, upstanding citizen, respectable parents. Stepfamilies, absent fathers, drunken and unemployed fathers, divorced parents, bereaved parents, quarrelsome homes - all broken homes. Probably had eugenic roots if you go further back. Thank goodness times are more tolerant now.

I am honestly grateful that I have the ability and freedom to earn my own living and keep a roof over my own and my children’s heads, that there are legal processes and court systems which recognise that children have rights and parents have responsibilities and look for ways of meeting the best interests of the child, even when the parents’ relationship has broken down. Because it is the parent’s relationship which has broken down, not the home which is broken. Both parents remain (usually) capable of providing a home, therefore the question is how the child spends time between both. And many do now have two homes, not a broken home. No longer are mothers denied custody if they seek divorce. No longer does the award of custody go to the person who was ‘innocent’ of the matrimonial offence.

Family law is by no means perfect, but it is better than it was - because society has changed.

Just finished work and had another read of OP's posts from today. A few more things have jumped out at me!

when he starts picking at behaviour around the affair or my failure to address his past behaviour, I'm much more vulnerable to getting sucked in.
I can't quite belieeeeeeeve the nerve of this man! He even has the cheek to tell you it's your fault that he has been treating you like shit (and continues to do it, just in a slightly improved way that you have been sold as "a new man")!

I think it's because I'm seen (as has been joked about before) as quite 'pure' and so that perception will be blasted into smithereens! Which I guess will make it a bit more of a shocking revelation for everyone.
Your "purity" is very clear from your posts, and if people have used that term as a joke, I think what they're pointing to is your obvious integrity and benevolent nature. What that means is that whatever your ex-husband (as I have now decided to call him, as he doesn't deserve the term "DH" 😎😋) says about you, everyone will know perfectly well that you must have had some fucking good reasons for the choices you made. They'll have a pretty good idea of how bad things must have been for you. They will also know that the very last thing in the world you'd ever want to do is rock the boat. And they will know that your affair was a cry from the soul. And I'm pretty sure that they will all be relieved for you. And in fact the more your ex-husband bad-mouths you to everyone, the more they will get a glimpse of what must have really happened.

He is really trying and really beats himself up over any tempers he has now.
I'm not sure this is an improvement! Instead of just having to put up with his temper, you now also have to put up with him whining about it afterwards 🤣 so that you feel sorry for him and try to make him feel better!

As my therapist says though, you have to stay with your own truth, and your truth is that you had had enough and could not keep going with it.
Do you remember what YOUR own truth is? You don't love this ghastly person who is making your life a misery. And no one will be surprised at that.

Bold issues again 🙄
I know what you're doing wrong! You're adding a space after the first asterisk. 🤓

Anyway, just to say how much I'm looking forward to your wedding reception! You'll have to invite us, because no one else will be speaking to you by then. They'll all have decided they want nothing more to do with the filthy slut who ruined a good man's life (etc etc... just insert the words that come tumbling out of your ex's sick mind!)

@loveyourself2020 I'm so glad you managed to get away to what sounds like a lovely place. Enjoy the well-deserved tranquillity!

@ravenmum and @KatySun, I think what you're both saying about the "broken home" is really important. It's such a misnomer, especially in this situation. It's like a car crash where the vehicles are separated to be repaired, but everyone talks about the separation/repair process as the cause of the damage!

OP I've taken a bit of time to reply because of work but also I was trying to think what it was I wanted to say... think I've got there!

I think your relationship dynamic is such that you both assume good behaviour is your default - maybe even your natural - state. Any step you make away from perfection - however small - is very harshly judged by both you and your husband. On the other hand your husband has you convinced that any efforts - however small - he makes TOWARDS perfection should be rewarded, and the rest of his behaviour ignored/forgiven/forgotten. It's like a mirror image rather than an equal expectation of each other.