You could leave next year, or in 5 years - or maybe he will leave, or have an affair ... In any case, you know that things are tricky, so it would be a good idea to plan ahead, get information together so that you are ready to spring into action if required, and make sure you are in a good financial position if possible.
Yes, true...I think I'm putting pressure on myself to make a decision while my daughter is young and will be less impacted by a split. Also, my husband will want me to confirm in the next few months (at the latest) how I think this is going to go as he can't live in limbo forever.
I have a financial plan and I think that will be ok (not ideal be ok). What other information should I get together?!
@QuentinBunbury thank you so much for sharing. That does sound scarily similar!! Did your ex husband resent you ending up with the person that you had an affair with? For me, unfortunately I was 'found out' and definitely was not planning on admitting everything independently. I was actually preparing myself to let go of the OM and ending it as I could see how self destructive I was being. Your current DP sounds lovely. Similar to the OM to me in that he has just completely left me to it to work on my marriage, no expectations or pressure in the slightest.
We continue to be equals. What I want and need is important to him and he does his best to make that happen. He thinks about me all the time, cheerleads for me and supports me. It is so totally different. I have no regret over leaving although I still feel like I "failed".
This made me cry!
If it's not him per se, why do you think then you say your identity feels so dependent on the nuclear family idea and you'd feel a failure if you separated (without "giving" your daughter a sibling?)
I think it's that I always wanted to get married and have children. That was my main aim in life to be honest! And now I've achieved that and am looking at potentially breaking it all up.
Why is being unhappy and wanting more for your life, and wanting to model that expectation to your daughter, not enough justification?
I suppose I feel like I've agreed to marry someone, we promised to stay together for better and for worse. And now I am potentially going to break that vow, at a moment when my husband is so dedicated to changing everything to stay with me. I feel like I'm making a mockery of marriage (and yes, he did first in his treatment of me, but going forwards we're assuming that won't be a factor).
It felt intensely uncomfortable to hear myself describing him to a stranger in ways that he would consider disloyal. (This despite the fact that I was paying to do so! 😄) I kept thinking, I must tell her everything I can think of, including all the good stuff. Because of course he was fundamentally a good man, just that we were both set in unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
That is exactly what it feels like! I keep thinking that I have misled in my descriptions, or not quite explained things properly which has resulted in me showing him in an undeserved bad light.
This sounds like a ticket to be able to behave however he likes because you just have to overwrite your experience with the magic code "He loves me," even if it's not too apparent from his behaviour.
Hmm, yes. He did say he didn't want to have to monitor his own behaviour just so that I didn't read into it (but, to be fair to him as I always must be 😆, he was referring to when he is just a bit short or not smiley or something, not being actively unpleasant).
Its like he deliberately breaks a plate & then glues it back together & says "look I fixed it, its good as new"
Another hmm yes to this! That is what it feels like when he says 'I loved him once when he still had his temper, why can't I love him now when he only has his good bits left.'
Do you a tally believe that he used to think abuse was ok ( although he only abused you ) but as soon as you told him it wasn’t he stopped?
Or that he always knew it was wrong but he didn’t care because he enjoyed it and there was no cost to him only benefits ? But now the cost outweighs the benefits so he’s stopped for a while.
I don’t understand what your explanation is for this whole new person belief and why that means you have to stay.
Because for most women it would make it worse that all that behaviour was totally under his control and he could stop anytime he wanted. But you seem to think that’s better.
I completely understand why you're saying all this, and I would probably make the same points from the outside looking in. I really don't know, it's like he's had a huge revelation and is making an enormous upheaval in his whole life values. He's reading so many self help books, totally embracing putting in place healthy habits, so excited to become a better person and start enjoying life again. And while perhaps I should be cross that he didn't bother to do this earlier, I just can't be angry with him at all when he's making such huge leaps to improve for himself and for me. I find it difficult to hold onto any anger at all really!