Does love come back/what do I do

[helplesshopeless]

Nc for this.

Advice needed please, I've created a huge mess and can't see a way out/what is for the best. This may be long.

I am married with a 3yo. DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to eachother, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. We have had happy family times too and we both dote on our child.

All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for. It was mainly an emotional affair but there was a small amount of physical contact (we did not have sex). This is someone that I work with, so although we're wfh at the moment, he is in team zoom meetings etc.

My DH found everything out last week. He is angry but also devastated. I have never seen him so upset and it has shocked me that he cares that much about me. He has completely woken up to how he's been treating me and is committed to having anger management therapy and working on things with me. I obviously am ashamed of what I have done and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but he does recognise that his treatment of me took me to a place where I was open to someone else. I still can't believe I had an affair because it is so against my morals and I fully deserve to be judged for it.

We are working on things and will get relationship counselling. There's a lot of self esteem issues that my husband struggles with, especially since we had our child as he's felt like he's been stuck on the outside looking in, and he thinks this is why he's been treating me how he has. I do understand this and it makes sense, but it doesn't change how he's treated me in the past and how damaging I have found it.

My husband wants me to leave my work so there's no interaction with the other man. I totally understand his point but am reluctant to do this as I'd then feel trapped.

I want to get back to a happy place with my husband. I don't want to feel trapped with him. I don't know if I can find my way back to loving him, whether all of this is coming too late after years of awful treatment. I accept I have behaved in a disgusting way and deserve all of this fall out, and am so worried about the impact on our child and how I'd manage if we separate. I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this.

I just don't know if my heart is in this anymore, I want to be able to be happy with him and love him and our family deserves for me to work on this and fully commit to getting back on track, but I have no idea if I'll ever get back to where I need to be.

I am ashamed to admit I still have feelings for the other guy. I could obviously never be with him anyway so that is irrelevant, but it's clouding my judgement. I need to hear from people who have learnt to love their husbands again. Is that a thing? Will we ever get there?

I still can't believe any of this is happening.

My ex was desperate to find out about what was going on in my therapy sessions when I stopped telling him all of it. It led to him doing some extreme snooping. I would be suspicious about your DH. Now we are getting back to face to face, it might be worth seeing if you can get counselling in person outside your house?

Honestly, please don't worry about that 🙈 he's said himself the last thing he wants to hear is more stuff to mess his mind up. In all previous sessions he's made sure to stay out of the way, this was purely because I hadn't warned him of the timing of it.

I honestly admire all of you who are doing virtual therapy. I cannot do it. Even if no one is around I still feel strange talking to the screen. Also, these are very personal things, even in the office of my therapist I tend to whisper rather then shout.

I found couples therapy (more than 20 years ago!) an excellent route out of my first marriage. Not that I'd intended that, because I was desperate to not be responsible for fucking up all our lives and was putting huge efforts into staying together, even though deep down I was very much doubting my ability to do that.

The therapist used the word 'autonomy' and (in my thirties) I didn't even know what it meant, and I said so. She said "self-rule". - for some reason this tiny snippet of the therapy gave me permission to give myself permission (iyswim) to actually decide what I could and couldn't do, instead of operating under the understood rules we'd created in the dynamic between me and DH1.

We gave it a try, tried for months, and it was all very awkward and unnatural, constantly both trying to be on our best behaviour. Trying to be in love with him again when I wasn't. So much effort. And all the agony I now realise was because I simply couldn't take responsibility for not wanting him anymore. I felt that the thing I wanted to do was just wrong, so I should make myself do the 'right' thing.

In the end, it was a cliche someone said that got to me and made me realise I needed to stop, and be brave and actually allow myself to live the life I wanted. Cliche alert > life's not a rehearsal you know, this is actually it!

@helplesshopeless

Who is it you're afraid might hear your thoughts? Him? Your mum? God? You?

To be fair, I am pretty paranoid about him finding this thread somehow 😆

Oh, I can totally, TOTALLY relate to that! 😃

I went through all this with ex-DH#1 before there was a MN or similar internet forum where I could seek support. All I could do was browse the bookshop after work, hoping to find something that aligned with my own experience (most didn't; plenty of books about violence, addictions and affairs, but not this vague, ongoing, low-level misery).

My way out was to keep a morning journal, which I got up 30 min earlier to write each morning, before taking him his coffee and running his bath (I knowww... but it all seemed perfectly normal then!). I kept the journal in a locked box under the bed in the spare room, and it sat on a towel so that I could drag it out without making a sound that might disturb him. I worried constantly about where to keep the key, and what I'd do if he ever found the box. I had a million stories to explain myself ("creative writing" etc) if that ever happened.

Despite all this, I could still imagine him reading over my shoulder, sneering at what I wrote, and being furious with me for my disloyalty, for painting an ugly picture of him in my mind while he slept innocently across the hallway. It was a long, long time before I felt free to write what I'd call a truly authentic sentence, straight from the heart.

I think this is what worries me about your situation, is that we get so used to self-censorship and accommodating DH's feelings that it becomes very hard to make any sense of what's going on.

For example...
unfortunately my husband overheard some of the session and it upset him. I said I was sorry what he heard was upsetting to him, and then just left him to it. Previously I would have been all over him trying to take back whatever he heard or make sure he was in a happier place before I left him...so, progress maybe?! All undone later as I went to check on him as he sounded a bit less than friendly in a brief discussion and it made me anxious.

To an external observer, this is the cracks showing already in his Mr Nice Guy facade. But to you, I'm sure it looks and feels fine. (I hope you understand that I don't mean he is a fundamentally evil man. Just that your relationship dynamics are deeply unhealthy.)

It is enormously difficult to see things clearly when you have, in effect, become your own jailer.

I'm struggling to really unravel my feelings now, and certainly why I struggle to express any of these feelings to my husband. It almost feels like when I'm with him having a difficult conversation I'm completely devoid of emotion at times. A constant source of frustration for him when he is trying to connect!!

Forgive me, but I can imagine being a fly on the wall and seeing him being impatient with you for not making yourself clear, after years of him slapping you down when you have tried to express things, so that you have drawn a veil over it all even inside yourself. I bet your mind goes blank. I used to make lists, and still "forget" what I needed to say -- it all sort of blurred out the minute I was on that witness stand oops I mean talking to him.

The counsellor might bring you both to the realisation that you can't move forward in a healthy way. But it's possible that YOU will realise this and he will refuse to accept it. Moving forward in the way you always have suits him just fine.

Re him overhearing your conversation, it's extraordinary that he would be pissed off with you. I mean, if my now-DH had gone to the extent of discussing me with a counsellor, I might be tempted to eavesdrop so as to work out what I was doing wrong, and do better ... I certainly wouldn't have a go at him about his feelings. Your DH expects this loyalty to him at all times, even in the privacy of a counselling session where you are trying to make sense of things and should be free to express absolutely anything you like, even if it's just to test out ideas you wouldn't normally dare to entertain!

And just to give you an idea of how different a relationship can be: with my now-DH, I used to say to him, "Why don't you ever get angry with me?" and he would always look completely baffled and say "What is there to get angry with you about?" and I'd be confused because I'd had a lifetime of people being furious with me for all kinds of things I never quite understood. I realise now that I might not be as annoying as I thought I was. 😎

As for ex-DH#1, I exchanged a few emails with him recently (COVID check-in, significant age birthdays, etc) and he commented, "I think I grew up more in the 5 years after we split up than I did in the previous 15 (OK, 35). I don’t recall enjoying it very much but it might have done me a favour if it had happened a lot earlier." And it's true, he is a much more balanced person than he was with me. So, however painful it was to go our separate ways, it really was for the best, and not just for me. An unhealthy relationship dynamic does no one any favours because you just get frozen into juvenile behaviour patterns.

I feel horrible for bantering on at you like this, like a dog with a bone, or perhaps more like a thorn in your side! 😉 Please take whatever rings a bell and discard the rest...

What is it that he heard that upset him? (If you are happy to share of course!)

@FantasticButtocks
And all the agony I now realise was because I simply couldn't take responsibility for not wanting him anymore.

I can really relate to this!

I think with me, I had spent years hoping to get him to see what I meant, and agree that we weren't good for each other.

In the end I realised it could only happen as a unilateral decision, all the worse because I wasn't entirely sure why it seemed necessary. I just couldn't rid myself of the idea that it was, no matter how hard I tried.

Sorry to bang on about me me me. Only shared here in case it helps. I suspect we all have some overlap on this sort of thing 😉

@Alcemeg
Yes, I know, same here. I kept trying to find a reason, big enough, why I should leave him. One of the posters here on MN said, her therapist told her simply: "You don't need to justify why you want to leave - it's enough that you want to"

I think, especially as a woman, you feel like you have to suck it up, take it, no matter how it hurts, especially if it is not physical abuse, and just live with it. I realized that I was waiting for him to leave me or simply to decide that we should separate. But what I needed was a permission from my own self to do what is best for ME. Not the kids, or the husband or the marriage or... whom ever. ME. I deserve to be happy, to have fulfilling, content life. I deserve to be true to myself. To love myself. Therapy helped me with this.

Now, I am not out of the woods yet, just started in fact. Still living under the same roof and just started negotiating separation agreement. I feel awful every day, like I am sick, like I am dying, like I do not know if I can make it to the next day. But I know that it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. It has to.

Wish you all, especially OP, all the best and send lots of love, across the ocean.

@loveyourself2020
Now, I am not out of the woods yet, just started in fact. Still living under the same roof and just started negotiating separation agreement. I feel awful every day, like I am sick, like I am dying, like I do not know if I can make it to the next day. But I know that it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. It has to.

I tried to think of the process rather like childbirth: agonising, coming in waves that could be overwhelming... but each contraction bringing you closer to a whole new life.

Sending you lots of love too.

@Alcemeg
Thank you and yes, childbirth is a good comparison.

I don’t recall enjoying it very much but it might have done me a favour if it had happened a lot earlier
This is what I was trying to get at earlier - in my case I think I am the one who learnt from the breakup; here, perhaps the dh would finally get it that his anger issues are actually bad for him, too? Nice to hear an example of someone that really did become a better person when they saw their actions had consequences.

There was someone else on here recently whose husband also "accidentally" heard some of a therapy session while passing by the door. He brought it up too. Some people, when they "accidentally" come across a stick, just can't help but beat you with it, poor things.

I think, especially as a woman, you feel like you have to suck it up, take it, no matter how it hurts, especially if it is not physical abuse, and just live with it. I realized that I was waiting for him to leave me or simply to decide that we should separate. But what I needed was a permission from my own self to do what is best for ME

Often the women who are being physically abused feel that they have to suck it up as it’s not too bad. Eg

He only pushed me, he didn’t punch me. It was an accident that I fell against the wall and split my head open.

It was mostly my fault - I made him angry by doing X.

He was drunk / high and didn’t know what he was doing. Afterwards he was crying and pleading with me not to leave him. I’ve never seen him like that so I know he feels really bad about it.

I cant destroy my children lives over one tiny push.

I know he has anger issues so I should have done more to stay calm.

It’s not so bad, I didn’t even need to go to the hospital. Well I couldn’t anyway as he ran out the door afterwards and I had no one to watch the kids.

But he’s really sorry and promises it will never happen again. I just have to try harder not to wind him up. I should I have known better.

He’s an accountant / teacher you know - not one of these violent thugs that beat their wives. I would never put up with that.

Forgive me, but I can imagine being a fly on the wall and seeing him being impatient with you for not making yourself clear, after years of him slapping you down when you have tried to express things, so that you have drawn a veil over it all even inside yourself. I bet your mind goes blank. I used to make lists, and still "forget" what I needed to say -- it all sort of blurred out the minute I was on that witness stand oops I mean talking to him.

You've really given me clarity here in terms of our past dynamics that have contributed to my lack of emotion now. I remember he used to get really angry if I cried or my voice wobbled a bit during arguments (often mocking me), and he'd minimise or twist anything I said if I tried to raise any grievances or defend myself. Anything I decided to raise (eg please help me with housework as I feel like I'm drowning) would always backfire regardless of how I decided to broach the subject. So of course now I've shut down completely. But even now, I'm thinking perhaps I didn't raise those issues in the right way (I probably was snappy or impatient sometimes for example) and so it's my fault he got angry!

By the way, your husband sounds absolutely lovely alcemeg, how wonderful that you've found eachother ☺️

Re the counselling snippet that he overheard cavagirl, it was me explaining to my therapist how I feel the need to make everything ok for him, and the recent events around that. He felt like I was mocking his feelings and also that I had been lying to him, as he's previously asked me if I'm just saying stuff/hugging him etc to make him happy.

However, later on this led to a discussion where I explained more around my need to monitor and respond to his moods. He said that he wants me to stop this and it's not my job to deal with his grumps, and if I think he's being less than happy then just to ignore him and remember that he loves me more than anything. So, this is where I'm getting lost again as he really is getting all of these unhealthy dynamics, taking on board what I'm saying, and taking steps to address it.

We gave it a try, tried for months, and it was all very awkward and unnatural, constantly both trying to be on our best behaviour. Trying to be in love with him again when I wasn't. So much effort. And all the agony I now realise was because I simply couldn't take responsibility for not wanting him anymore. I felt that the thing I wanted to do was just wrong, so I should make myself do the 'right' thing

Thank you for sharing fantasticbuttocks. This sounds so similar to my situation. My therapist keeps saying that she sees how much agony I am in, so it's apt that you've used that word as well.

@loveyourself2020, I can hear through your posts how much pain you're going through and I'm so sorry that it's so difficult. You are on a path to a better more happy life now though-keep going! Sending lots of love.

Forgive me, but I can imagine being a fly on the wall and seeing him being impatient with you for not making yourself clear, after years of him slapping you down when you have tried to express things, so that you have drawn a veil over it all even inside yourself. I bet your mind goes blank. I used to make lists, and still "forget" what I needed to say -- it all sort of blurred out the minute I was on that witness stand oops I mean talking to him

I can really relate to this and the whole thing of “ well you never told me you were unhappy “.

I tried to discuss issues many many times with my ex. But the actual process itself was horrendous, let alone the months of sulking afterwards . However much I tried to be calm and use neutral language, he would variously

Mock me for getting upset ( oh yes the wobbling voice )

Start to argue about the meaning of common words ( yes I might have been raising my voice and throwing objects but I wasn’t angry, you are reading things into my behaviour and accusing me of things I’ve not done and I have a right to defend myself here )

Tell me I needed to see a counsellor / therapists / psychiatrist and offer to pay for this.

Tell me I was imagining things and that he wasn’t my abusive ex / my father ( oh how I lived to regret having told him about my past )

Mock me for being calm ( well you don’t seem upset now, you don’t even seem to care )

Bring up his unhappy childhood so I ended up comforting and consoling him when he had behaved badly to me

Use “ But I love you more than anything you are my whole world “ as a get out of jail free card. I was to judge him only on his motives and not his behaviour. He of course got to judge me on what he decided were my motives and not on what I said and did.

Sit stoney faced and silent , then when I was finished say “ Are you done now? “ and walk out the room.

Pretend to fall asleep ( this is when I’ve been talking for about 3 mins ).

Act as if it was a court room ( ask for time, dates and witnesses )

Tell me I was lying / imagining it in various ways ( well I’ve not had any complaints from my staff at work )

Try his Psychology 101 tactics “ you are talking about your feelings and I understand you feel that way but I’m not responsible for your feelings “.

I shut down my opinions and feelings for so long I became a total expert at being calm and not reacting. So much so that when he came one day and announced he was leaving in few days I sat silently and obediently and then replied with “ thank you for letting me know “.

When I saw a lawyer she got angry with me because she kept asking “ what do you want to happen ? “ I replied with what Ex wanted. She told me I was paranoid and indecisive. I know now she had no understanding of abuse.

Then I went for counselling and after a few sessions she told me that I was paying her to talk about what Ex wanted. I was actually incapable of answering her questions - what do you want and how do you feel.

After 15 years of knowing that I would never get what I wanted or needed ( emotionally ) I had stopped wanting or needing.

I should point out that throughout this I held down a responsible job where I had to make multiple decisions every day about finances and staff. It wasn’t an intellectual problem, it was an emotional one.

Start to argue about the meaning of common words ( yes I might have been raising my voice and throwing objects but I wasn’t angry, you are reading things into my behaviour and accusing me of things I’ve not done and I have a right to defend myself here )
Very familiar.
The thing where you are trying to make a point, then they take one of the words you used to make the point and start arguing about that word instead of the point you were making?

Yes @ravenmum, that’s it exactly. So If I said “ You threw a mug across the room “ he would start to argue it was a plate . So I ended up using the word object all the time ( just realised I did that in my post above ) .

Then he would argue about the meaning of the work “ threw”.

I couldn’t say “ you threw an object at me “ because then he would argue that it wasn’t at me it was at the wall and I just happened to me near and it wasn’t his fault as he can’t control where I stand otherwise Id accuse him of being controlling”.

He spent years gas lighting me, arguing that he has never done or said any of these things that I accused him of.

When I pointed that he has promised to do / not do things again he would deny it and say I was imagining it.

I could never ask him to do things for the children as he would do them wrong / late and then say I’d not explained it properly. Eg once he took DS to a football party and dropped him off leaving his football boots and party gift in the back of the car and drove off.

DS was upset because he had to sit inside for the whole party as the 5 a side venue wouldn’t let him on the pitch without proper footwear. The party mum was mad at me because she has to assign an adult helper to watch him inside. DS was furious with me as I didn’t explain to his dad properly.

He had to collect the children ONCE every from nursery( at lunchtime ) as I was in hospital having some tests. He turned up 4 hours late and said he assumed they wouldn’t mind as they were open until 6pm.

My phone was off of course ( I was in an operating theatre ! ) and he ignored their calls. My other emergency contact is my Sister who was at work and their phones have to be kept in their lockers.

I nearly lost their nursery places over that.

So l had to do everything myself.

how I feel the need to make everything ok for him, and the recent events around that. He felt like I was mocking his feelings

This really jumped out at me as total DARVO. In the past as you describe it, it's been him mocking you for being upset, forcing you to deny your feelings. To your face. Now he's telling you that you are doing it. Except he only found out by listening in on a private conversation.

You have a right to privacy. You have a right to express your reality to your therapist. Don't start justifying it to him. He's totally in the wrong.

Ind1a
Hope you are relearning to express your own needs and wants. It takes ages.

@IND1A

Yes *@ravenmum*, that’s it exactly. So If I said “ You threw a mug across the room “ he would start to argue it was a plate . So I ended up using the word object all the time ( just realised I did that in my post above ) .

Then he would argue about the meaning of the work “ threw”.

I couldn’t say “ you threw an object at me “ because then he would argue that it wasn’t at me it was at the wall and I just happened to me near and it wasn’t his fault as he can’t control where I stand otherwise Id accuse him of being controlling”.

I wasn't allowed to say "When you told me you didn't love me" as it was inaccurate - he "would never say something like that", i.e. I was horrible for suggesting it. Then when I used the phrase "When you told me you didn't know if you loved me" instead, he said I was being sarcastic, and started arguing about my attitude. By this means, he avoided talking about the time he told me he didn't love me, as I simply couldn't bring the subject up.

@IND1A sounds like you've had a terrible time. You've mentioned seeing a lawyer so I assume you're now free of this? I hope things are much better for you and your children now

Fortunately my husband was/is nowhere near that level of treatment, and the behaviour he did exhibit he is working on changing, which I think is why I'm still in such a fog about how best to move forward.

You have a right to privacy. You have a right to express your reality to your therapist. Don't start justifying it to him. He's totally in the wrong.

Absolutely - I think I did quite well in dealing with that situation actually (for once!). Managed to not get sucked into analysing what he heard/trying to make it better. And it did seem to stop the situation escalating.

However, later on this led to a discussion where I explained more around my need to monitor and respond to his moods. He said that he wants me to stop this and it's not my job to deal with his grumps, and if I think he's being less than happy then just to ignore him and remember that he loves me more than anything. So, this is where I'm getting lost again as he really is getting all of these unhealthy dynamics, taking on board what I'm saying, and taking steps to address it.

It's all very well him saying "stop doing that, you don't need to do that" but it's his behaviour that's driving you to do that. For example - he accidentally overhears your therapy session. His default response is to think about how what you're saying impacts him and therefore he gets upset. And then he's saying to you - oh no, you should just ignore me, remember I love you. But in the end he's still behaving that way! So if he has another angry outburst, the responsibility is with you then to just ignore it and remember he still loves you?

FWIW I don't think he's deliberately this way, you mentioned you don't think he's going to intentionally misuse the counselling sessions - I don't think he will either. But it's the outcome of his behaviour - whether or not his behaviour is intended to create that outcome - that's the problem.

Thank you @helplesshopeless and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take over your thread and make it about me. I just recognised some similar patterns with what you and other posters were saying.

I understand that your husband doesn’t throw things so that’s not the same.

My ex was always going to change too. He promised many times she got slightly less and for a while. That’s why I stayed with him for years, hoping it would get better in the future.

I hope things work out for you.

a discussion where I explained more around my need to monitor and respond to his moods. He said that he wants me to stop this and it's not my job to deal with his grumps, and if I think he's being less than happy then just to ignore him
A few other things about this:

• You were describing the situation to your therapist because you know it is a problem and want to solve it; not as a character assassination. He's painting your choice of topic in the worst possible light.
• You don't need him to tell you it's not your job, as if you're a child: You know it's not your job : that's precisely why you were discussing it.
• As long as he has moods, you will have to respond to them in some way, even if it is "just ignoring" them. Ignoring them is a response.
• You can respond to him however you like. You don't have to follow his instructions.
• Angry shouting, contempt and disdain that make your wife suggest anger management counselling are not "grumps".

OP, your situation sounds scarily similar to my marriage. I didn't realise how lost and sad I was until I got emotionally involved with someone else. I deeply regret it, and still feel very guilty that I let it happen. I told my exH, in order to try and give myself accountability and lay all my cards on the table for us to move forward. As our relationship began to unravel I started to realise that his anger and contempt was actually far more emotionally abusive then I recognised. I realised I didn't love him, and despite all of his pleas and promised felt little real motivation to 'work' on the marriage. I knew in my heart it wouldn't work, I couldn't love him and even if he became a different person I couldn't move past the emotional abuse, once I had realised it.

However like you I felt terribly guilty about the emotional affair and terrified of damaging and disrupting my DD (who was 3 at the time). I felt like my happiness wasn't enough of a reason to stay, that I almost owed him the debt of staying for his happiness over mine. However I was fearful of modelling a poor relationship for DD and living a miserable life that would surely affect her.

We had all the same intense discussion, they went on for hours and my head was spinning for weeks. The conflicting emotions and loyalties felt impossible to unpick. We tried marriage counselling (I certainly do not recommend in this situation) and I had counselling alone, as did he.

I suppose fortunately for me, in that it made my decision for me, his behaviour began to escalate over the next few months. At first he was very similar to your H, big efforts intertwined with emotional arguments and neediness. He began checking my phone daily, requesting I not close the bathroom door when showering, spying on me with the baby monitor and a camera in the living room. He started accusing me more and more frequently in ridiculous circumstances e.g saying I smelled of alcohol and had I been out for a drink with a man when I came home from a 13 hour shift in work scrubs. He woke me up in the middle of the night once when I was asleep and accused me of being awake and masturbating but not wanting to have sex with him. I felt guilty and I felt that on some level his behaviour was justified because of the emotional affair. I remember our couples therapist, when I said about waking me in the night to accuse me of masturbating, responding that he was a poor thing that so desperately wanted love! As I mentioned, not helpful. I had a thread on here, trying to decipher if he was emotionally abusive or insecure etc and whether I should stay or go. He found it and read it all and quoted it back to me.

In the end I requested a trial separation. He tried every manipulation in the book to keep me, including 50/50 access of DD but I stuck to my guns. A week into him living elsewhere I made it a permanent. It's hard, the effect on DD is hard to live with and his behaviour with her is hard. He is still a thorn in my side but it's much easier to deal with now we are not together. As much as it is disruptive and difficult for DD, and I won't lie it is, I feel I made the best decision for her. I couldn't model that, I couldn't be complicit in his behaviour and I would never want her to grow to expect or accept that treatment in a relationship.

Hand on my heart I have never once regretted my decision, I'm now 2 years down the line. I am so much happier without him. Unexpectedly (I honestly thought I would be single forever and was fine with that idea) I am now in a very healthy and happy relationship which only highlights to me how wrong my marriage actually was.