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Relationships

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Original poster

Adult children restricting future

147 replies

Ludoole · 02/04/2021 13:23

I need to have a conversation with DP about our future and not sure how to start it as I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his adult daughter out of her home.
I love her to pieces but I feel like my relationship with him can't progress as she has no plans to leave the nest.
I dont live with him, I'm just there weekends.
I'm late 40s, he's late 50, she's late 20s. I'm conscious of dp's and my ages and I want to live my life with him.
She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together.
In short I'm asking for suggestions on how to start a conversation about how to get across that I'm concerned that this will be dps and my future and its just not enough for me, without him feeling like I'm trying to push his daughter out.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/04/2021 13:41

Risky. He might see it as having to choose between you. I wouldn't probably have this conversation. If my partner approached me about kicking out my child (or even asking nicely for them to leave when they weren't ready) I'd feel i had to choose and would always choose my child.

Mistystar99 · 02/04/2021 13:45

What's her situation? Does she have a job, a partner, does she show any sign of wanting to move on? Is moving out on the horizon for her, or do you think she's there for the long term? How long have you been with your DP - a long time, or not long?

MissyB1 · 02/04/2021 13:46

I think it’s entirely reasonable to try and sound out what her future plans are. Surely she’s not planning on living with daddy forever? Is she saving for a deposit? You could start the conversation with him that way by casually asking him if she’s planning on buying or renting anywhere.

You don’t say how long you’ve been together. Is the relationship at the point where living together is the next step?

Spud92 · 02/04/2021 13:48

Maybe she is saving up to move out and avoid wasting money on rent. What's the circumstances with her mother, had she passed away? Maybe she feels her dad would be lonely without her there?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/04/2021 13:48

Good luck with that. If a man asked me to choose in any way between my DS and him he,d be dumped.

oldestmumaintheworld · 02/04/2021 13:50

This is such tricky ground. I think that rather than frame it as being about his daughter, how about asking him what he sees your future together looking like. Does he see you living together. If so, are you going to sell your own houses and buy something that you choose together (assuming that you own your own homes). What is the time scale?

You will be able to check how much he wants to include (or not) his daughter into future plans and you will be able to judge what you can tolerate and what you can't.
I have a very dear friend who was in a similar position. She ended up having to sell her house in order to persuade her son that she was serious about marrying again and that she did want him to move out and start his own life. He didn't believe her and was a bit 'stuck' at home spending all his money and having a good time with his mum paying all the bills.
Good luck

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/04/2021 13:52

You might need to consider helping him fund alternative accommodation for her, or be prepared to consider moving somewhere with an annexe/basement flat for a few years. So much depends on why she is still living at home.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/04/2021 13:55

What are you hoping to achieve from that conversation? I understand that you’d like him to know how you’re feeling about it, but as he can’t do anything about it, and you’re saying you don’t want it to feel like you’re trying to push his daughter out, what’s the point of telling him?

It can’t achieve anything except the thing you’re saying you don’t want, which is him thinking that you’d rather his dd was gone. You’ll need to be honest with yourself first. If you want to live with him but not while he’s living with his daughter then that’s a valid thing for you to want, but he can’t give it to you without effectively choosing you over his daughter. Even if he did choose you, it would cause resentment down the line.

If you can’t see a future with him unless his dd moves out and he stops ‘bending to what she wants’, then you don’t really want him as he is and your trying to change him into something else that suits you better. It might be worth considering whether this is a relationship you should be in at all.

moochingtothepub · 02/04/2021 13:56

Why couldn't you live together with her as well? I love it when both our DD's are here, never managed all 4 but looking forward to that day

Shopper21544 · 02/04/2021 14:01

I guess it is his choice who he lives with but (having been in this position) definitely refuse to move in until she is gone. Otherwise there will be three in this "marriage"! In second relationships people always put their own children first and there is no way round it.

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/04/2021 14:07

If you want the man, she has to become your daughter too. You have a good relationship with her, so although it will not be at all easy, it might be possible. Is her mother still alive?

Original poster

Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:09

She has a full time job but pays minimal board. She's not saving for a deposit, just holidays.
I'm not asking him to choose between us! I'm just not sure how to open a conversation about the future when I know it impacts his daughter.

To the poster who asked why I can't live there with her, it would be like having 3 in the relationship. She stops talking to him if she doesn't get her way and he gives in to stop the silent treatment. In a lot of ways she has the upper hand in most household decisions.

Maybe I should just carry on without a conversation then but after 5 years together I thought we would have moved forward by now.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 02/04/2021 14:15

You need to have a conversation to find out where this relationship is going. I don't blame you not wanting to move in with him. There's no way I'd do it when his dd is still there. If he is unwilling to encourage his dd to move on and be the independent adult she should be at her age, then you have a problem and if it were me I'd be dumping him.

StarsonaString · 02/04/2021 14:17

Tbh I wouldn't necessarily be fussed by the possibility of being dumped if he thinks you are asking him to choose. You can't live with him while she is there so the relationship is on a hiding to nothing unless she leaves.

Limalama · 02/04/2021 14:18

Have you posted about this before OP? sounds really familiar

thelittlefox · 02/04/2021 14:18

It doesn't sound like you love her to pieces from your last post.

Wilma55 · 02/04/2021 14:19

Can he move in with you?

Pinkdelight3 · 02/04/2021 14:20

She might have no plans to leave the nest because they have a good set-up and she doesn't want to leave her dad on his own. If you've not even had the conversation, there'd be no reason why they would've even contemplated changing their status quo if it's working for both of them - and if it seems to be working for you. Some older couples prefer to keep their own spaces and never move in together. Does he know that's not you? Do you know that's not him? How long have you been together and what, if anything, has been discussed about your future plans?

I don't think having the discussion has to at all be about his daughter or pushing her out of her home or any of that. It can just be very general about where he sees you in a year (or however long's) time and where you see yourselves, and you can do that in the abstract without getting into the logistics, just to see if it's even on the cards. Then you could talk about whether you'd keep your homes and rent a third place together or whatever, all the different scenarios. Whatever path you take, it makes sense to be cautious and that could well mean his daughter staying there to start with until it's clear you're in for the long haul and the chances are that she'll move on anyway. It would be worse for him to turf her out so you can move in and then it doesn't work out after all. So more of a gradual evolution feels better in this scenario.

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/04/2021 14:21

Full-time job - excellent!

However, you cannot move into his house, she will own the kitchen!

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2021 14:22

If you're not living with him after 5 years you never will.
If you can't carry on as is I would cut my losses.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 14:22

You are wasting your time with this one. The daughter has no intention of leaving, and her dad will never ask her to. Either accept living apart or end it.

Original poster

Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:25

I genuinely do think she's a lovely girl!! I was just answering questions from previous posters.
I'm actually prepared for him to say we won't ever live together, but I need to hear him say that or at the very least know what his thoughts are on our future.
He won't move in with me and quite rightly so as that would effectively be making his daughter homeless and I don't want that at all.
The only reason I'm having concerns about how to start a conversation about us is that any conversation about us could obviously impact his daughter.

OP posts:

GreenClock · 02/04/2021 14:27

He probably assumes you’re happy enough as you are. Have you talked about selling up and buying together? If so, restart the conversation.

Original poster

Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:28

And no I haven't posted about this before.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 14:28

She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together

She stops talking to him if she doesn't get her way and he gives in to stop the silent treatment. In a lot of ways she has the upper hand in most household decisions

Your problem is with his reaction to her, not with her or her plans.

By trying to predict what she might be doing in the future, you're letting her dictate your future too, just like your DP is.

If he gives in to her manipulative behaviour then that's his issue - I can absolutely see why you wouldn't want to get more involved in that situation.

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