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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Adult children restricting future

147 replies

Ludoole · 02/04/2021 13:23

I need to have a conversation with DP about our future and not sure how to start it as I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his adult daughter out of her home.
I love her to pieces but I feel like my relationship with him can't progress as she has no plans to leave the nest.
I dont live with him, I'm just there weekends.
I'm late 40s, he's late 50, she's late 20s. I'm conscious of dp's and my ages and I want to live my life with him.
She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together.
In short I'm asking for suggestions on how to start a conversation about how to get across that I'm concerned that this will be dps and my future and its just not enough for me, without him feeling like I'm trying to push his daughter out.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
wigjuice · 02/04/2021 20:36

If after 5 years you have not been relaxed enough to have some sort of ongoing conversation about the future, I'd suggest you moved on.

DorisLessingsCat · 02/04/2021 21:02

I would just like to spend part of my life in a full relationship with him. If that can't happen it's fine, I will leave the relationship gracefully and just say it's not working.

This is perfectly reasonable. There's no good way to broach the subject. He's either on the same page as you or he isn't.

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 21:15

@Bagamoyo1

I’m baffled at how many people think living together is so essential. Doesn’t anyone like their own space?
That's how I feel but it's not unusual or unnatural to want to share a home with someone you love. We're all different.

The op's partner's daughter may not be as bad as people are thinking, manipulative etc, just because she sulks a bit sometimes with dad. Don't all parents and children have ups and downs at times, no matter how much they care for each other? It doesn't usually last long. She's probably no different to anyone else. As for her paying the minimum, that's quite normal too. If dad needed more he would ask her but he is probably quite happy with the contribution she makes.

I was glad to read the last post from the op which has answered some previously unanswered questions. She knows what she wants, or thinks she does; you never do know what it is like to live someone until you actually do it. Staying over is not the same, you have your own place to come back to (phew). It's a huge step!

I suggest the op talks to her man, frankly, and he comes to stay with her in her house for a few days at a time so they see how it goes.

toocold54 · 02/04/2021 21:23

OP how often do you both stay at yours?

Saltyslug · 02/04/2021 21:35

Why didn’t he move in with you for part of the week? Or weekends?

WhyNotNow21 · 02/04/2021 22:08

@littlepattilou I thought I might get roasted for my comment haha but yes that's exactly the way I feel. I'd never ever move in with anyone if my DH died or left. Such a hassle and as you say, you end up being the carer for an older man. I can't think of anything worse!

I'd rather be alone and work things out myself than have someone else around to worry about. I can't think why the OP would want to move things to the next level. I don't think I'd bother being with anyone again, too much hassle like this stuff - trying to work out 'where the relationship is going'!!! Dear Lord alive, I did that in my 20s and 30s. I'm not doing it in my 50s or 60s! I got a life to live and it's not trying to persuade some elderly bloke to go to the next level. Run OP in the opposite direction!

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 02/04/2021 23:46

I wonder what is behind 'loving the bones of her' to what the heck is the problem? It doesn't make sense.
You just want him to yourself, fair enough. But it's not going to happen.
I think you've read enough to know it's not going to go well. Unless you are happy to carry on as you are then finish it. By all means have the convo but no one expects it to go your way. We'd be amazed.
Sorry if everyone is being harsh but despite the title, which you have backtracked on, you haven't explained the real problem. The real problem is his DD. Be honest with him.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/04/2021 02:58

You have your own place so you can be with him there and have time together. & surely he spends a few days a week with you at yours now? Strange, if he doesn't.

Still don't see why it can't be suggested he moves in with you.

However you word things will sound like an ultimatum "It's me or your daughter".

You've not painted a nice picture of his daughter. Their relationship may not be perfect but, lots of different types of relationships aren't. It doesn't mean they don't get on.

In your situation there's no point focusing on and judging his daughter, it won't achieve anything for you.

& An ultimatum isn't likely to go the way you want it to.

dustydaffs · 03/04/2021 03:15

@Ludoole

I need to have a conversation with DP about our future and not sure how to start it as I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his adult daughter out of her home. I love her to pieces but I feel like my relationship with him can't progress as she has no plans to leave the nest. I dont live with him, I'm just there weekends. I'm late 40s, he's late 50, she's late 20s. I'm conscious of dp's and my ages and I want to live my life with him. She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together. In short I'm asking for suggestions on how to start a conversation about how to get across that I'm concerned that this will be dps and my future and its just not enough for me, without him feeling like I'm trying to push his daughter out. Thanks in advance.
You are trying to push her out, that's why it will sound like it. He probably hasn't progressed things to you moving in because she is his priority over you which is how it should be.
Ludoole · 03/04/2021 03:39

I'm not having the conversation. View points have here have shown me that.
I dont want to aliienate her that was never my intention. She is a wonderful girl and I do love her. If this ends he won't speak to me but she will. We are close and I want what's best for her. I'm leaving this thread now as I won't come between them (which was always my intention not to). I just asked for advice that's all.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/04/2021 03:51

Still no understanding as to why he can’t live at yours and you still each maintain your own residences in case it doesn’t work out and for inheritance purposes?

Otter71 · 03/04/2021 07:28

Do you both own your home's? If so moving him in to your place doesn't have to make her homeless. A friend of mine agreed that dp move in with her and his DD of a similar age took on living in the house as a (massively below market value) rental arrangement on the basis that should the relationship break down he is entitled to go back. First step has to be to talk to dp about where he sees it going. Be prepared for some drip feed. Be prepared for suggestions that he initially doesn't like. But asking if he ever sees you living together and how he sees it working or not has to be the starting point...

Sillysandy · 03/04/2021 08:10

I hope you're ok OP. The replies here are awful. I know you're not coming back but please don't be influenced by idiots here saying you are laying down ultimatums or declaring it's not going to go well as if they could possibly know what's going to happen.

Whatever you decide please don't forget you are perfectly entitled to let your partner know what you would like from the relationship. "I would like us to be closer, I would like us to live together. What do you want?"

EarthSight · 03/04/2021 09:19

She has a full time job but pays minimal board. She's not saving for a deposit, just holidays

Sorry, what??

Did she ever move out for a few years or gas she always lived at home? How much does she earn?

I find it pretty strange the's living there at the age of 29. Does she not want privacy? What about boyfriends? What do they make of it? I find it incredible that she's only saving for holidays and not a deposit or savings. If that's true, then she might be lovely but it makes her sound irresponsible, immature and not very bright quite frankly. She's 29, not 18 for God's sake!

If she's just staying for her Dad's sake, then she shouldn't. He has you.

TableFlowerss · 03/04/2021 11:43

@Bagamoyo1

I’m baffled at how many people think living together is so essential. Doesn’t anyone like their own space?
I think the Malory of people agree that living with their partner is more committed and the natural progression of a relationship.

Living apart isn’t necessarily a bad thing and it can be great for some coupes but most people would view it as not as serious. Most people want to live with their DP wake up with them etc...

Dontbeme · 03/04/2021 13:31

How would you feel if he suddenly had a stroke or something bad happen healthwise and you're with him full-time? And you become his full-time carer? You have to be realistic that this may happen....

Cynical me thinks that if he became ill that he and his daughter would be very eager for the OP to move in, that they suddenly couldn't be apart.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 14:24

@EarthSight

She has a full time job but pays minimal board. She's not saving for a deposit, just holidays

Sorry, what??

Did she ever move out for a few years or gas she always lived at home? How much does she earn?

I find it pretty strange the's living there at the age of 29. Does she not want privacy? What about boyfriends? What do they make of it? I find it incredible that she's only saving for holidays and not a deposit or savings. If that's true, then she might be lovely but it makes her sound irresponsible, immature and not very bright quite frankly. She's 29, not 18 for God's sake!

If she's just staying for her Dad's sake, then she shouldn't. He has you.

I wonder how much the 'minimal board' is. Parents don't usually charge adult children the market rate for 'lodgings' unless they are hard up. He probably likes his daughter living there with him anyway.

I didn't realise the op had said she was 29, late twenties to me could be 26-27. Whilst I can't imagine living with parents at that age, at least not permanently, a lot do nowadays. If they are happy with it it's nobody else's business.

Anyway the guy can stay at the op's house for a few days at a time if he wants to, that would be something like 'living together' - and easy to get out of if they didn't like it after a while.

AllDoneIn · 03/04/2021 14:31

To be honest if my children were at home at that age paying minimal board and using their money to go on holidays I would feel I had failed as a parent, assuming they were working and had no additional needs. I appreciate housing costs are high and I would support children living at home IF they were saving for a deposit for a place to live and / or paying towards household bills. Why are we infantilising adults in this way?

Anyway I understand why this is bothering you but it's a conversation that needs handling carefully.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 14:48

Yes, a conversation is needed but the op says she will not be having one. I think she has 'got it bad' for this man and we cannot do anything about that.

I'm sorry the op feels she should leave the conversation. It is 'a conversation' with all of us giving our points of view but it honestly isn't advice and it is unrealistic to expect advice from here. Nobody has been nasty to her but I imagine she probably feels vulnerable.

I would love to see her come back and tell us all is well. I do not understand why the man doesn't stay at her house and she won't tell us. However, never mind, that's her business.

If you are reading this, op, I understand you love this man. Many of us have loved more than two men in our lives, we get over things. There are plenty more fish in the sea, probably one who would suit you better and - wouldn't it be fun to go out with a few and enjoy yourself?

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 03/04/2021 15:24

Sadly I am forming the impression from reading this thread that the relationship can only continue and work if the OP accepts not living together. I don't see the relationship between the DP and his DD as a particularly good one and until that changes, don't see any alternative other than the current arrangements or the end of the relationship.

SeasonFinale · 03/04/2021 20:43

The OP says she would like to live with him but also says she is not trying to get rid of the DD but then contradicts this by saying
"I love the bones of her but just couldn't live with her". So if you do want to live with him how exactly do you envisage this happening without suggesting he no longer lives with her.

MillyMollyMandyish · 03/04/2021 21:59

@Ludoole Posters often say they are leaving the thread but do continue to read.
I hope you're one of those.
There is some helpful advice here, albeit not what you feel comfortable reading.

Going back to the start, after 5 years it's natural you want to know if this 'is it' (weekends only) or if you might live together as you wish to.

Unless you raise the issue, you won't know. But your option then is to carry on as you are for years and years.

Because you don't know if your man prefers it this way or if his daughter (at home) is irrelevant.

Looking at what you have said, your relationship appears one-sided.

-You are doing the travelling (how far?)
-You want more (but are afraid of asking in case he rejects your plans to be together.)
-His daughter acts in a PA way, he avoids confrontation and gives in to her.
-He doesn't put any pressure on her to be sensible with her money and plan for her independence.

Now, maybe he likes her at home (we don't know where her mother is or if she has a mother.)

Maybe he's 100% happy to have her with him and have you do all the work in the relationship.

You seem a little undemanding and willing to accept uncertainty rather than say what you want.

How many more years are you going to hang on with this until it's clear he may never change?

It's not about getting his daughter out. It's about valuing your own self-worth and saying what you'd like. You seem to be putting your own wishes right at the bottom of the list.

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