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Original poster

Adult children restricting future

147 replies

Ludoole · 02/04/2021 13:23

I need to have a conversation with DP about our future and not sure how to start it as I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his adult daughter out of her home.
I love her to pieces but I feel like my relationship with him can't progress as she has no plans to leave the nest.
I dont live with him, I'm just there weekends.
I'm late 40s, he's late 50, she's late 20s. I'm conscious of dp's and my ages and I want to live my life with him.
She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together.
In short I'm asking for suggestions on how to start a conversation about how to get across that I'm concerned that this will be dps and my future and its just not enough for me, without him feeling like I'm trying to push his daughter out.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:29

Due to his finances he can't sell up.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 02/04/2021 14:29

What's the deal with his property though? Would it necessarily make his DD 'homeless' if he moved out? Couldn't she stay there and take over the rent/mortgage, maybe move in some friends or a lodger? There's all sorts of possible scenarios, but with a man in his late 50s and a DD who works full-time, I can't see any scenario in which anyone ends up on the streets.

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 14:30

Sorry OP - I meant if you tried to sound her out on her plans, as PPs have suggested, you would be letting her control you.

WatieKatie · 02/04/2021 14:30

Does he have the option of moving in with you whilst she remains in his property paying rent, even just a peppercorn rent?

Pinkdelight3 · 02/04/2021 14:31

Sorry, x-posted again. So he owns it and has a mortgage? That he struggles to cover? Shame she doesn't pay more rent!

The more you say, the more cautious I'd be about moving in there. Sounds like your current set-up might be the best one.

Giantrooster · 02/04/2021 14:32

If you dare have the conversation perhaps start with the 'where do you see our relationship in the future?'

And then instead of you talking, giving your take, listen. If he has no idea, still don't do suggestions let him think and tell you.

You remove any pressure by not stating your opinion, and will get an idea if status quo is what he really wants.

Original poster
Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:34

It hasn't entered my head about the possibility of her taking over the mortgage as that's not a discussion that needs to be had until I have ascertained how he sees our future. For all I know he is perfectly happy with the way things are. He's not exactly great at talking about emotions which is why I posted originally asking how best to start the conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:37

Giantrooster i think you are right. I guess I knew that, just needed it confirmed.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 02/04/2021 14:37

It's not your home.

Its the home of DP and his daughter and it's none of your business how long they want to share it.

If you want a separate home with DP, suggest he moves in with you.

Original poster
Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:39

I'm fully aware it's not my home thanks. It is my business to know how he feels about the situation so I can choose whether or not this relationship is likely to move forward.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 14:41

She doesn’t sound like a ‘lovely girl’, giving him the silent treatment if she doesn’t get her way, that’s a classic abuse technique. I wouldn’t want to live with her either!

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 14:43

Maybe I should just carry on without a conversation then but after 5 years together I thought we would have moved forward by now.

I think 5 years is ample time to suss out where things are going (if anywhere), OP. If you're not happy with things staying as they are for another 5 years, I'd definitely ask him how he sees his future with you.

Moondust001 · 02/04/2021 14:45

So, why not invite him to come live with you. She can stay there as long as she can afford the bills!

Original poster
Ludoole · 02/04/2021 14:45

Cherrysoup, she is a lovely girl. I just think the silent treatment is a thing that she knows works and has learnt that from him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 14:45

If the relationship hasn't progressed in 5 years, at your ages, it's not going to.

LauristonLane · 02/04/2021 14:49

This needs to be a conversation about you and your partners future plans, six months, a year, five years time...at least you'll know where you stand.

In her late 20's, his daughter is incidental to this, something to discuss too, but she is an independent adult.

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 14:50

I just think the silent treatment is a thing that she knows works and has learnt that from him.

Do you mean he sulks to get his way too?

Limalama · 02/04/2021 14:52

If he hasn't made noises to progress the relationship then he doesn't want to and is probably happy with the current setup.

That's probably not what you want to hear, sorry; but as much as from your perspective the daughter is preventing the next step he could equally be using the situation to stop it progressing.

If his behaviour isn't suggesting he wants it to change then you've probably already got your answer.

BlackMarauder · 02/04/2021 14:55

Sorry OP. After five years and you haven't discussed the future? His adult daughter plans to live with her DF forever and he's a permissive parent. Living with both of them sounds like a nightmare so don't bother. Go ahead and have a conversation with him but you know in your gut what's coming. I think you know it's time to lob this one back into the ocean.

CraftyYankee · 02/04/2021 14:55

Ooh hang on, she's learned the silent technique from him? Does that mean he uses it on you? 🤔

AmberItsACertainty · 02/04/2021 14:58

@Ludoole

She has a full time job but pays minimal board. She's not saving for a deposit, just holidays. I'm not asking him to choose between us! I'm just not sure how to open a conversation about the future when I know it impacts his daughter.

To the poster who asked why I can't live there with her, it would be like having 3 in the relationship. She stops talking to him if she doesn't get her way and he gives in to stop the silent treatment. In a lot of ways she has the upper hand in most household decisions.

Maybe I should just carry on without a conversation then but after 5 years together I thought we would have moved forward by now.

I think you have your answer here TBH. In 5yrs why has he not broached the subject of your future? He's choosing to live like this because it suits him to. His daughter lives in a house that isn't hers and yet she has full charge of it. She's not likely to choose to move out unless she finds someone she wants to live with. So she's likely to have the hump if her dad asks her to move out, which means the silent treatment, which he always backs down to avoid.

If you're at the point of walking away if nothing changes then you've got nothing to lose by asking outright if he sees your future as the two of you living together, alone. And ask what needs to change for that to happen. I suspect he'll give you some wishy-washy answer about how it'd be lovely to live with you once his daughter moves out (ie possibly never!).

I don't think men are as daft as women often think they are. I think men do what they want to do. So if he wanted to live with you he'd be making plans to do that and talking to you about it and wouldn't need the idea planted in his head after 5yrs. Sorry it's probably not what you wanted to hear.

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2021 14:59

@CraftyYankee

Ooh hang on, she's learned the silent technique from him? Does that mean he uses it on you? 🤔
^ this with bells on.

Why do you want to be with someone who does this to you?

Original poster
Ludoole · 02/04/2021 15:01

Thank you all for your advice/opinions.
I know I need to address our future but it will be phrased in such a way that it is literally just about how he sees the relationship progressing as that is the first thing to ascertain. I just need to hear his answer and then I can think about whether we are on the same page and whether or not it's enough for me.
Obviously I shall not be bringing his daughter into the conversation as I have realised that it isn't her restricting us from moving forward it is the uncertainty of knowing how he feels about the future.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 02/04/2021 15:02

Has he never brought up the subject? Sounds like they are happy as they are. She may of course leave if she finds the right person. If he had wanted to live you full time he’d have said so by now.

AlternativePerspective · 02/04/2021 15:06

So have you never had any kind of conversation about the future in the past 5 years? Never talked about “when” you live together etc?

I get the not being able to live together until the DD potentially isn’t living there, I’m in a similar position with my DP because my DS lives at home with me still and is still at college and DP doesn’t live locally so living together isn’t currently an option, but we’ve at least alluded to living together at some point.

If you’ve never had the conversation then I’d say this one is going nowhere. After 5 years you should at least have talked about a potential future, even if it hasn’t been a serious emotional conversation.

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