Adult children restricting future

[Ludoole]

I need to have a conversation with DP about our future and not sure how to start it as I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his adult daughter out of her home.
I love her to pieces but I feel like my relationship with him can't progress as she has no plans to leave the nest.
I dont live with him, I'm just there weekends.
I'm late 40s, he's late 50, she's late 20s. I'm conscious of dp's and my ages and I want to live my life with him.
She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together.
In short I'm asking for suggestions on how to start a conversation about how to get across that I'm concerned that this will be dps and my future and its just not enough for me, without him feeling like I'm trying to push his daughter out.
Thanks in advance.

Honestly I would find myself a new partner. Not because he’s done anything wrong, but more because I don’t see how you can move forward. His daughter has every right to live there, it’s her home. He obviously likes her being there. I think to say something to him will make him feel like he has to choose. In which case you won’t win.

He has bought the subject up before but I think he has it in his head that we will all live together. It's been a while since we talked about it though.

@Ludoole

She has a full time job but pays minimal board. She's not saving for a deposit, just holidays. I'm not asking him to choose between us! I'm just not sure how to open a conversation about the future when I know it impacts his daughter.

To the poster who asked why I can't live there with her, it would be like having 3 in the relationship. She stops talking to him if she doesn't get her way and he gives in to stop the silent treatment. In a lot of ways she has the upper hand in most household decisions.

Maybe I should just carry on without a conversation then but after 5 years together I thought we would have moved forward by now.

Oh dear,

I don't think I see a proper future the way you want one. Even if she isn't living there he'll still run when she clicks her fingers.

Is her mum around?

Quite honestly, if you asked your partner where he saw your relationship would be in a year's time, i'd be very surprised if he said anything other than 'Exactly where it is now. What's wrong with it?
Why would he want to change it? He is obviously happy having his daughter live at home and to have you in his life as well.

Why do you want to change it after five years? It seems to me you've both got a good thing going on - settled coupledom, plus a nice measure of independence. I'd think carefully before instigating any changes.
If it's marriage you're after, you might find that does not figure in his plans at all. He may well feel his house will be his daughters one day. And she might feel the same way. Can of worms.

I dont see how asking how he sees our future is asking him to choose anything! I'm not asking him to choose one over the other. I do however need to know what he thinks about the future so I can decide if I need to bow out of the relationship.

Actually having read all your updates I'd just walk away I think. She's manipulating with the silent treatment and you think she's learned that from him?! I see it a bit in the comments about how he won't move in with you because DD would be "homeless". That's nonsense, she has a job, she'd house herself like everyone else has to. It's manipulative. He doesn't want to move in with you but rather than say it and risk you walking away, he sells you this bullshit to string you along keeping you hoping things might change. He "can't sell up due to finances" - what does this even mean? He's not much of a catch. There's red flags all over the place. Either keep it casual, keep your independence, enjoying the good bits and staying as you are or walk and look for someone better if you want a proper committed relationship. I'll bet his downsides would show up more if you were living together.

Ok then tbh that puts a different spin on things. He’s assumed that you would just move in together and tbh on the face of it there’s nothing wrong with that. His daughter lives at home, if you wanted to move in then it stands to reason that you would move in with them.

I understand that you don’t want to live with the daughter but you would be absolutely unreasonable to say that you won’t move in until she moves out, because that puts him in a position of feeling he has to choose.

It doesn’t matter if she’s an adult, it doesn’t matter if she’s not paying full rent. This is her home, and if you don’t want to live with her then you need to walk away.

Me and DP have talked about living together when DS leaves home but more because of the fact we live a distance apart now and moving for either of us isn’t on the cards (DS is still in college and DP has a very niche job which isn’t transferable,) but if we were in the same area the assumption on my part would be that he would move in with us.
If he suggested that DS should leave home first the relationship would be over for me.

Tartyflett, I'm financially independent and own my own home, i don't need his. I would however like to share a home with a partner, wherever it may be.

I've already reiterated that I know the daughter isn't the issue, as I've realised it's not knowing how he sees him and me and the future that's my concern, and thats the issue I will be addressing.

I would never put him in a position where he had to choose, however I can ask him how he sees US and make my decision based on his answer. His daughter will not even be mentioned in that conversation.

5 whole years and you've not had the living together conversation. At your ages.

You're focusing on his daughter as if she's an issue.

Right now it's their family home. She is living in her family home. You don't live there.

Aren't you going to suggest he moves in with you at your place btw?

You aren't married and don't have children together so if you don't like the set up, you can walk away without having entanglements to consider.

Or you could wait years for her to leave. Or have the conversation but accept if after all this time you're not making living together plans then he's fine with how things are and may not be inclined to change that.

Moving into his house would put you at a disadvantage straight away. It will always be his house,not yours,and his daughter obviously isn't going anywhere.
You don't want that and I don't blame you.

I agree with AmberItsACertainty and I do think it suits him to string you along. Living with your own adult child is tricky enough. Someone else's? Nope.

Ok I see that -- but there are minuses as well as plusses to think about.
You might miss your independence and, as he seems to be some 10 years older than you, you could find yourself taking on the role of carer a few years down the line.
How does he want to spend his retirement? Travelling? In a man-cave doing his hobby?. Or watching Sky Sports all day?
How do your visions of the future align?
Just some things to consider, perhaps .

How is this going to pan out when he gets old and needs some care and tlc? Will the daughter flee in horror at the thought of becoming the carer?

There are a lot of things to consider but as I've already said there's no point in thinking about those yet until I know if we are on the same page. If we aren't then I will bow out of the relationship gracefully.
And to those who keep saying after 5 years we should have talked about living together, we had that conversation a few years ago but some circumstances have changed and we haven't revisited that since. Now I know we need to see if our plans still match up or not.

Kids leave home and come back for all sorts of reasons. I've had to do it twice (in my 20's and then in my 30's) but my parents were still together. My DB (50+) is living with my DM now and she can't get him to leave, he's got it too easy!
So, even if his DD eventually leaves, there's always a possibility she'd move back and he couldn't refuse his own DD.
What is it about his DD that restricts his life, honestly?
Is it possible to make her room more of a bedsit, giving her a bit of independence and you free reign of the rest of the house?
Lots to think about and take into consideration.

If he sees you moving in with him and the thing stopping you is his daughter manipulating him by giving him the silent treatment then I would bring it up - tell him that that is your issue. It'll go one way or the other and you'll quickly know whether it can go forward.

If he says he'll stop giving in to the silent treatment then I think you need to see that in action before you move in otherwise either he may not follow through or his daughter might blame you for his change in behaviour and it cause resentment all round.

I feel like you’re now back peddling and claiming it has nothing to do with the daughter and everything to do with where he sees your future. But that’s evidently a lie because the title and original OP is clearly about you feeling the daughter is, and I quote, restricting your future.

Before worrying about his daughters situation, you need to sort out your own and ascertain if he has any intention of being with you long term. That’s the logical first step.

Until I had some good advice on here I was thinking that it was restricting us moving forward but throughout the thread I've been given food for thought and realised the issue I thought was the problem isn't. It's not back pedalling at all. It's having my eyes opened to the actual real issue and as I have already said that it the issue that I will be focusing on.

What's her relationship situation? Has she ever had a long-term partner?

You could of course suggest that you buy or rent together, whilst renting out both of your homes.

His daughter could rent his, you could rent yours and that way you could move in in neutral territory.

The daughter will probably move out on her own accord, if you move in with her Father. I don't think you should be asking any questions about this right now though. It's not the end of the world, if you moved in, and she was still there for a little while after, she is not a little child who may disrupt your life style..

Some of the comments here are ridiculous. Posters are aghast that you haven't had this conversation while you're simultaneously being told you have no business having this conversation.

And the inevitable suggestions to end the relationship because some aspects of it aren't perfect then find yourself a new partner as if it's just a matter of strolling up to the customer service desk and exchanging faulty goods.

I assume things are overall good in your relationship or you wouldn't want to share a home with him.

The situation with his daughter is tricky. Was it the two of them for a long time? Has she been accepting of your relationship but has positioned herself as the first lady? I know it's hard to summarise here, my DH has a complicated relationship with his eldest. I really struggled and I probably wouldn't have moved in with him if I'd known the extent of it. It was a constant power struggle which finally came to a head when I told her that her suggestions were welcome for the new baby's name but ultimately it would not be her decision. It sounds laughable but her inability to accept this was anything but funny.

I don't see how it is unreasonable to have a conversation about what his plans for the future are. Can't you tackle it like that?

"I want to talk about our plans for the future and moving in together. Is this something you want to do? Where would we live? It would be too much of a transition for all parties for the three of us to live together, we are all adults. Me moving in with both of you would not make sense now. Out options are to stay as we are, you move into mine or sell and get our own place."

If he wants to keep things as they are indefinitely then you have a decision to make. If he doesn't but doesn't know how then it's just a matter of making plans. Personally I think him keeping the house, her paying some rent and being responsible for renting the other rooms to pay him enough to cover the mortgage and other costs would be a good compromise. She would not be homeless and it would give her some responsibility - a stepping stone to independence I suppose.

So does he give you the silent treatment?

I've always wondered how someone who dishes it out deals with receiving it. Does he do it to her, too? How does he respond when she does it to him?

So if you ask him about the future and he says he had always assumed you would move in with him when you’re ready, how are you going to reply to that without mentioning his daughter?!

I think you've been quite patient, OP, with the nit-picking here.

You wrote your OP, you listened to what people had to say, and you re-thought it all. Sounds very sensible.

FWIW, I am in a not entirely dissimilar situation (same time frame). I've had to do a lot of thinking about what I want. I've also had to change quite a lot of my thinking about the 'next step' in our relationship. I suppose I've always automatically thought that the 'next step' is moving in together, then possibly getting married. Now I'm not so sure. I think there's a lot to be said for being completely financially independent and not embroiled with anyone else. And while you miss the good bits of living with the other person, you also miss the bad bits and the over-familiarity and some of the things that so easily become relationship-killers (especially if you don't have joint children and no 'reason' to stay together when you're fed up).

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.