Adult children restricting future

[Ludoole]

I need to have a conversation with DP about our future and not sure how to start it as I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his adult daughter out of her home.
I love her to pieces but I feel like my relationship with him can't progress as she has no plans to leave the nest.
I dont live with him, I'm just there weekends.
I'm late 40s, he's late 50, she's late 20s. I'm conscious of dp's and my ages and I want to live my life with him.
She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together.
In short I'm asking for suggestions on how to start a conversation about how to get across that I'm concerned that this will be dps and my future and its just not enough for me, without him feeling like I'm trying to push his daughter out.
Thanks in advance.

I'm sure I'll get flayed for this but yes I understand that living alone is expensive these days and young adults find it difficult but all of us including our parents had to start somewhere;realistically how long do adult children expect to be living at home and having their parents subside their lifestyles?

Tbh there is no reason why said daughter of his can't get off her arse and move into a place of her own;she has ample opportunity to save for a deposit to either rent or buy a flat or small house or even rent a room in a house share;she just doesn't want to as it means she has more money to spend on holidays/clothes/makeup etc.

It sounds as though your partner is a push over and won't give daddy's little princess an incentive to get out there and start being a fully fledged adult.
S

Could he rent the other rooms out and live with You?
I can't see this going well for you ok especially if she grew up in that house.
Must be very frustrating for You!

Some of the comments here are ridiculous. Posters are aghast that you haven't had this conversation while you're simultaneously being told you have no business having this conversation.

I’m so glad someone said this - I have been reading thinking the exact same. There must have been an optimum time and day to have this convo. A bit like an avocado being ripe. Must have been a v small window.

Of course you should ask OP, I’d expect two biological parents to have a similar conversations about their children’s future. It seems silly to just up and leave without atleast getting your facts!

I expect I will just repeat what others have said but...

@Ludoole You don't need a conversation about her you need a conversation about you!

He will join the dots.

It's not complicated to start talking. You might want to say that seeing each other X days a week is all very well, but after 5 years you are wondering if anything will change. Such as living together.

I think it's very sad that his daughter is behaving in what appears to be an entitled way with no regard for her father's own private life and relationships. She does sound spoiled and you perhaps need to look at how he treats her as an example of his own personality.

Is he weak? (generally)
Does he allow others to dominate him?
Is his behaviour towards her compensation for the divorce?
Why did she choose to live with him and not a) her mother or b) in a shared house?

Even if she doesn't want to buy , or is not able to buy, she could rent or chare a house which loads of people in their 20s do.

The thing is, things will change once she finds a partner. Then she'll be off. You and your DP will then be faced with 'what next' for both of you. And how many years might have gone by then?

It looks to me sadly, as if he likes the part-time life he has with you.
If he didn't, he'd be moving things on and there'd be no need for you to start a conversation.

Bluntly, you need to ask him if you are part of his future for the next 30 years and, if so, how is that going to work.

Your options might be an ultimatum and be prepared to walk away.

If your partner's daughter is in her late twenties, it's likely she will meet someone, maybe marry and definitely move out sooner or later.

You say he seems like be happy with the status quo. I do not understand why you are not and want to move things long. You don't have to live with someone to have a good partnership and there's a lot to be said for keeping separate homes and finances. Independence is so important.

You don't say if you have been married or have children. I presume no children.

The time to have a conversation about 'where you are going' is when the daughter moves on - which she will in time.

In the meantime, enjoy what you have, it is precious. Many would envy you! However if your ideal scenario is to set up home with someone, you need to look elsewhere. Remember, the grass is always greener.

You say he can't sell but if he could he could, possibly, give her a deposit for a small place and with her full time salary perhaps she could pay a mortgage?

If there was enough money left over could he buy a small flat to rent out (so he still owns a property)?

I think you have to be very brave and have that talk about the future.

Is there any particular reason why his daughter would not meet and live with someone? Of course not everybody wants to do this.

Yanbu OP. Everyone on here has tiptoed around the late 20s KIPPER still depending on parent despite having a full time job.

Fine if there's a clear plan re saving a deposit or maybe finishing a course of study or something, but dont see why an adult expects to live subsidised off a parent indefinitely.

You say he can't sell but if he could he could, possibly, give her a deposit for a small place and with her full time salary perhaps she could pay a mortgage? If there was enough money left over could he buy a small flat to rent out (so he still owns a property)?

If she was a sensible young woman, she'd be saving for her own house deposit! Or at least renting a place of her own. He's not doing her any favours by being so generous. She needs to learn to manage her own money. It's really not healthy for a woman in her late 20s to be living with her Dad and not saving towards her own future.

Yes, she might meet Mr Right but she might not.

There are some terribly sexist and antiquated comments on here. We've moved on from Jane Austen's heroines when the only option was living with the parents or finding a Mr Darcy.

People do not always put their children first one of my parents had another partner who wanted me out (disabled and in my late teens early twenties. ). I found it so hard to stay in work because of my disability . The partner won. I had to leave and I have hated them both with a passion since then. We are nc. So pp are not all correct. Be careful

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Do you need to move forward or move in together? At the moment you have the relationship and the commitment and also your own space to have how you like it. So, IMO you have the best of both worlds.

She’s late 20’s and sounds like she’s got no plans to move out and is living off daddy! If daddy is daft enough to let this continue then he’s going to lose out. If she was 19 that’s different but nearly 30 is a different story.

He may well see it as you asking to chose but the reality is that she is preventing him from finding happiness and having a proper relationship and everything that comes with it.

I don’t see why you shouldn’t bring it up. If he snaps at you then you know where you stand. I’d probably end it if that were me as he’s clearly made his choice. As you say, it’s likely it wouldn’t work if you all lived together, if hate that.

'Lovely girls' don't use the silent treatment, which is emotional abuse, to ensure they get everything their way.

You're going to have a battle on your hands if you want things to change. Is he worth it?

Could you approach it from the point of view of where your relationship is going between the 2 of you. That will probably open up the discussion of how committed he is, whether he thinks you'll move in together or not - and that leads on to the DD question.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but can he not come and stay with you? Then you are not having that conversation about her leaving the home and you won’t need to move in with the two of them.
She is probably staying there longer because he is with you and she knows he’ll be moving in with you soon so it will be kindles her moving out when she could just take over that house.

MillyMolly:

There are some terribly sexist and antiquated comments on here. We've moved on from Jane Austen's heroines when the only option was living with the parents or finding a Mr Darcy.
........
I don't think like that but let's face it, most people do partner up with someone eventually (it doesn't always last of course), and late twenties is still not very old by today's standards considering lots of young adults stay with parents longer because of housing costs. I'd have hated it, couldn't wait to leave home but that was in a different era.

She may not want a relationship. Asexual is a thing. Also, the ghastliness of porn may have scared her off completely. Hard to be a young woman nowadays. Who wants to date a choker?

Don't do it OP.

Nah, it sounds like a lot of hassle. It sounds like him and her like the status quo of her being subsidised and getting her own way all the time. I’m not much older than the daughter but find it odd the way she can’t / won’t be independent

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Good luck with that. If a man asked me to choose in any way between my DS and him he,d be dumped.

Yup. Fortunately my bloke realised that. He’d have been shown the door if he hadn’t.

I think they are happy in the little bubble they have! Where is her DM now,does she see her at all ? Surely eventually she will want to meet someone and settle down herself.ATM they are content, and your partner is obviously worried about rocking their boat! (Why he is not saying anything about committing to you long term).I would think carefully here ,if his RL with his DD is a little rocky then he wont want to upset her .If you decide to live together then she will be there in the background .Can you cope with this

Some of the comments here are ridiculous. Posters are aghast that you haven't had this conversation while you're simultaneously being told you have no business having this conversation

MN is bonkers sometimes.

The DD is well into adulthood and should by ready to stand on her own two feet.

I think he is either stuck, and wanting you to help him move on — wishing DD would move out but not wanting to turf her out — or he’s comfortable as things are. It means he’s a bit passive, but that’s not the worst fault in the world.

Either way, if you want to make any progress, you’re right to take the initiative. It doesn’t sound like a bad relationship, but it’s no longer enough as it is.

I would invite him to move in with me.

Good luck, OP.

You are quite clearly trying to push her out. Resolve why you feel annoyed on that subject and go from there.

Why the need to move in together? I suspect it might be healthier for relationships in many instances to have your own place.

I am surprised at how many posters are hoping the daughter will meet someone and then fly the nest.

I know a lot of young people are living at home longer for economic reasons but for their own personal development it's far better they support themselves, before they move straight from the parental home into a home with a partner. The young people I know (and my DCs are a similar age ) are desperate to move out if they do live at home.

They see it as a temporary measure while they save up a deposit to rent, then look for a house share. Of course if housing is cheap, they may be able to buy.

What's worrying is the daughter appears to be manipulative. She sulks and pays a minimum contribution. That's not making her a 'lovely girl'.

The options are the OP and her P buy somewhere together, if they each sell up. It could be big enough for his daughter.

The crux of this is what the P and @Ludoole want as a couple. The daughter will then have a choice. Either to move with them/ stay with Dad and the OP/ or find her own place.