Adult children restricting future

[Ludoole]

I need to have a conversation with DP about our future and not sure how to start it as I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his adult daughter out of her home.
I love her to pieces but I feel like my relationship with him can't progress as she has no plans to leave the nest.
I dont live with him, I'm just there weekends.
I'm late 40s, he's late 50, she's late 20s. I'm conscious of dp's and my ages and I want to live my life with him.
She's a lovely girl and we get on amazingly but dp will always bend to whatever she wants and I know that would grate on me if we all lived together.
In short I'm asking for suggestions on how to start a conversation about how to get across that I'm concerned that this will be dps and my future and its just not enough for me, without him feeling like I'm trying to push his daughter out.
Thanks in advance.

I could have written this post except I’m married!

We are further down the road in relationship years and have agreed to find a place (relocate) in another 10 years. We like living apart and it makes the kids issue much easier. His daughter is lovely too but she get a bit protective/defensive so we can’t have a disagreement with her around.it does impact on sex life as neither of us has a house that you wouldn’t know what we were up to.

I don’t know if there’s a good solution if you aren’t happy. Fingers crossed his daughter meets someone and moves out I guess.
Would you move in even then though?

@Ludoole Is it just a turn of phrase to say 'adult children'? Is there another child involved? Do you have children and if so where are they?

It can be simple if you want it to be. He can move in with you (trial), while keeping his own house that his DD will stay in. He pays his own mortgage (no need for DD to take that over, that’s nonsense) and he can pay his share of the bills at your place such as electric and food and she can pay her share of the bills at her dads place.

The reality is that young people aren’t well placed to leave home until considerably later these days due to the housing market. Mine are all at home and I expect them to remain until late 20’s/early 30’s as they need not only a shit tonne for a deposit but also be advanced enough in careers that they can actually service the sizeable mortgage that will enable them to live in a basic shoebox. If my DH, who I have been married to coming up to 30 years, suggested they leave before they are financially ready then you can be sure he would be the one out on his ear not them.

@SpaceshiptoMars

She may not want a relationship. Asexual is a thing. Also, the ghastliness of porn may have scared her off completely. Hard to be a young woman nowadays. Who wants to date a choker?

Definitely.

However, not all men are 'chokers' and young people leave home without having a prospective partner. She may well do that when she is ready.

Op, if you are really keen on living with this man why not just tell him. He may then tell his daughter which in turn, may prompt her to leave.

Or you could have him stay (not move in permanently), with you for some periods of time to see how it goes.

It sounds like he is enabling her behaviour, she's not saving for a deposit, she's not making plans to move in with friends or rent somewhere on her own - TBH she's got it easy. he's not actually doing her any favours, living alone, saving, budgeting, dealing with bills etc is a huge learning curve, and IMO an essential one. Of course adult children will come back for one reason or another (I have one here for a few months while he saves for his deposit) but to never desire her own independence seems concerning.

On the other hand, there is the possibility that this is how he sees things for many years to come, that he wants her to continue living there, and does not want her to make plans to move out.

From what you say, it's always you staying at his house. Why not have him stay at yours regularly, giving you time together just the two of you. See how that goes, see if the conversation of you living together comes up, and if he talks about a joint future with you.

What would you gain by living with him other than a load of hassle from his daughter, and probably responsibility for his domestic chores? I'm sure lots of people will jump on me to say their husband does his fair share, but generally women end up doing the majority of the wife work and mental load.

If you were to ask him where he saw the relationship going and does he envisage a future where you are living together, if his answer would no where does that leave you? Where you are, or deciding to end it?

As another poster said if I had any of my children living at home with me and my OH wanted to live with me but on the condition my (adult) child was ousted then it would not be happening.

Good luck with that. If a man asked me to choose in any way between my DS and him he,d be dumped

Yup. Fortunately my bloke realised that. He’d have been shown the door if he hadn’t

She’s late twenties!! It’s actually fine to want your own life back after raising your children to adulthood. Bloody martyrs.

OP did say that when they talked aout it a wile ago, he assumed she would mve in with them at some point.

You really need to start the convo again, and if he comes up with the same, then suggest that either he moves in with you, or say that you don't think his DD will like you miving in and that you'll find it awkward. Then mayve he comes up with suggestions.

Talk to him and find out what he wants to do. Soon! He probably think you will move in with him and dd and needs to know that isn't happening. You're allowed to say you can't see it working well. Then let him think about the issue. See if the dd starts making plans to move. Sometimes at this age they need a shove towards independence. It seems very immature to me to be nearly 30 and living with parents.

How would you feel if he plans on living long term with his DD and doesn't see why he should change the status quo?

@SeasonFinale

If you were to ask him where he saw the relationship going and does he envisage a future where you are living together, if his answer would no where does that leave you? Where you are, or deciding to end it?

As another poster said if I had any of my children living at home with me and my OH wanted to live with me but on the condition my (adult) child was ousted then it would not be happening.

This. ^ I think it's mean and cruel to say 'she is in her late 20s she should be gone, and most kids leave home at 18-21 blah blah blah.' It's such a judgemental and harsh attitude. Not EVERYone has to leave by bloody 21 you know. And not everyone HAS to. Some people can't leave by their early 20s, and some people don't want to. So what? As long as it's OK with them AND their parents, what's the problem?

I know a number of people- male and female - who lived with their parents til 28-30 y.o, because they just never met the right person, they didn't want to live on their own, and it was OK with everyone for them to just stay at the home they grew up in.

There is no 'one-size-fits-all' and I even know 3 or 4 people who still live with their parents at 36 to 42. Again, it suits everyone, and the adult children people living at home pay reasonable board and lodgings and have lots of surplus cash, a nice car, and many nice holidays. And their parents have extra board money from them, and enjoy the company and the support.

There is always something who has something negative to say about it though.. A 36 y.o. man (or woman) living with her parents? Why? Why does she not get her own place? She will never grow up, you're ENABLING them, make them leave yada yada...

What the fuck it has to do with anyone else just eludes me. Personally, I put it down to jealousy. That's almost ALWAYS the reason people are critical and bitchy and spiteful towards people who do something THEY don't think is right, and THEY wouldn't do.

And I say all this as the mother of a daughter who left home for university at 18, and never came back. (She is mid 20s now...) If she DID need to come back however, she would be MORE than welcome. I certainly wouldn't say 'fucking grow up! Get yer own place, yer old enough. Stand on yer own two feet!' And I would NOT be booting her out in favour of any MAN I was dating.

FWIW @Ludoole I think you're fighting a losing battle. As some posters have said, this man is happy with things as they are, and as things have not moved on in 5 years, I don't think he intends to change anything. And he will not get rid of his daughter. I wouldn't to be honest. End of the day, he is going to put her before you. I'd put my daughter before any man. Any day of the week.

How would you feel if he suddenly had a stroke or something bad happen healthwise and you're with him full-time? And you become his full-time carer? You have to be realistic that this may happen....

More and more women are choosing to NOT move in with their boyfriends/partners for exactly this reason.

www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/

Why would you take on someone in their 60s when you have potentially much more time left and more youth on your side. I don't see the question here at all.

If it was me, I'd more than likely ditch him and go and have some hot fun with a man in his 50s or.... 40s!!

Why waste time on someone who you've been waiting for for 5 years who can't do emotions and obviously adores his daughter (presumably no mum around, let them be together then)??

I don't see the importance of being with someone full-time all the time. Suffocating. I love my independence though and I am not one to hang around... you've been far too patient already.

I think your hesitation is because deep down, you know the answer, he is frightened to initiate change. His passivity indulges the adult child, and the adult child does not want to live independently, after all it must have occurred to her that Daddy is in a serious relationship? It’s a bit of a no win for you, as the lover and bystander. You have every right to say ‘where is this going?’ But be prepared for a lot of disappointment. This is all about the pecking order, the daughter is taking Daddy for granted and on some level he is taking you for granted. Sorry to be so blunt.

He's obviously comfortable with the arrangement that exists.

I'd keep things the way they are. She gets to look after him in his dotage that way, not you.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Good luck with that. If a man asked me to choose in any way between my DS and him he,d be dumped.

This, give your head a wobble OP

Why would him moving in with you make his DD homeless? Can’t she just stay in his house while he lives in yours?

It's totally natural to want to live with your DP. If you're past the dating stage and want to settle down it's the next step.

OP I've done the weekend thing too and it's really shit. I know what it's like either carting everything you want to use/wear etc with you to his place and back again on Sunday night, deciding what to wear in advance etc. Or making do with the bare minimum because you CBA to cart it all there and back. I ended up buying a second set of the everyday basics to leave there. It's annoying and pointless expense.

It's the weekend, you've been at work all week and want to chill, but you can't properly do that because you're a guest in someone else's home and you're not surrounded by all of your stuff. It's not your home however much you stay there and it feels like you live a half life.

I'm not "hoping" DD meets someone and moves out for her benefit but for OP's benefit. I'm not thinking about what's best for DD because this thread is about OP. I didn't say before, but I also think there's a good chance DD won't move out but would move a partner in, as she's got her feet well and truly under the table at her dad's.

@Aquamarine1029

If the relationship hasn't progressed in 5 years, at your ages, it's not going to.

That’s just not true. I’m early 50s, so is my partner, and we’ve been together 5 years. He lives with his adult son, and is near to his elderly frail parents. I live half an hour away, with my secondary school age kids, next door to my elderly frail mother. Our circumstances mean that we have no plans to live together any time soon, but we are completely committed to each other and will live together in future.

I think it is going to be sad for your partner to feel that he is going to alienate one of you.

There is no law that says people have to live together as a welded couple, living every moment in unison. DP is late 50s so he is used to a certain life with intricate relationships and balanced feelings. I don't know why later-emerging relationships need to be formed in the same way that youngsters in their twenties forge a new life. Older people have established routines and a way of life; why change it. It will feel like steamrollering what he has.

You can have a relationship without changing your partner's life around - you can work something around both your lives. To do so would probably lead to greater happiness.

It's a big step going from weekends together to cohabiting full time. He might not even be ready for this - let alone your view of the daughter situation.

Just wait two years, and things might naturally develop into something you prefer. Daughter might move out.

Would you like to sell your two places and buy a new place together? Could you gently talk about buying her a flat and - or helping her - so you sell both your places, marry and buy somewhere and help her to find a place - or buy a new place with a granny flat for her to live in. That would be a sweetener for her - you both share the costs of your smaller new place, and help fund her place.

There have been threads about inheritance on MN lately, which remind us how that can cast a shadow, when a relationship is mature. If everyone in the set-up- is conscious of what will happen if you and DP marry - e.g. the daughter might never inherit the home, or a part of its value, then that is a different force at play, and feelings will go deeper than issues of your partnership. It could be like an elephant in the room. It would be best to open your eyes to that potential issue and , if it's an issue, realise that it is slightly disingenuous and certainly naive to present this situation as just about how day-to-day life is to go with DP.

Ffs I don't want him to get rid of her!!! I want to know IF we are ever going to live together that's all!!
I have spent most of my adult life on my own with my own kids and ive also buried a husband.

I am not asking him to choose between us!!! I would just like to spend part of my life in a full relationship with him. If that can't happen it's fine, I will leave the relationship gracefully and just say it's not working.

For what it's worth, his daughter and I would still remain close if I wasn't with him.
I love the bones of her, I just couldn't live with her.

Good luck with that. If a man asked me to choose in any way between my DS and him he,d be dumped.

@PurpleRainDancer The OP isn't asking him to choose.
I think some posters are being deliberately confrontational to the OP or missing the point.

She said she wants to live her life with him (and he's late 50s so there is a 10 year age gap.) At the moment she only sees him at weekends.

That doesn't mean she wants him to throw his D out, or whatever else posters imagine. It means how can she look forward to a different set up, whatever it might be.

And as for inheritance issues I have already made it clear to him that his kids should get whatever he has just as my kids will get what I have.
I have always paid my own way and that won't ever change.

I’m baffled at how many people think living together is so essential. Doesn’t anyone like their own space?

@WhyNotNow21

How would you feel if he suddenly had a stroke or something bad happen healthwise and you're with him full-time? And you become his full-time carer? You have to be realistic that this may happen....

More and more women are choosing to NOT move in with their boyfriends/partners for exactly this reason.

www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/

Why would you take on someone in their 60s when you have potentially much more time left and more youth on your side. I don't see the question here at all.

If it was me, I'd more than likely ditch him and go and have some hot fun with a man in his 50s or.... 40s!!

Why waste time on someone who you've been waiting for for 5 years who can't do emotions and obviously adores his daughter (presumably no mum around, let them be together then)??

I don't see the importance of being with someone full-time all the time. Suffocating. I love my independence though and I am not one to hang around... you've been far too patient already.

Agree with you. I am early to mid 50s, and my DH is the same age. If we were to split (or he died,) no WAY would I bother living with any man, and no WAY would I go for a man ten years older. As you say, you are more likely to be his carer within 5 or 10 years than anything else. In fact I wouldn't even bother going for anyone my own age (50s.)

It's like some time ago, I saw a woman interviewed on TV who ran a meet-up/romance agency, and most men on there, asked for a woman who was thin, slim, or athletic, even though in many cases, their ex-wives were actually overweight or fat. And most women wanted a man more than 7 years younger, even though her ex-husband was 3 to 8 years older. They wanted something different to what they had before.

In fact I wouldn't be arsed with anyone to be honest. I would never live with anyone again, OR get into a serious relationship. I would rather be alone than have to take on a new man's baggage and bullshit, and potentially be a carer for him within less 5 to 8 years or so... I know I would be alone, and would not have anyone to care for ME, but that's a risk I would be prepared to take.

IMO, it seems there are more women who are carers for men, than there are men who are carers for women. Indeed, it's not uncommon for men to fuck off and leave, if his wife starts to need full time personal care and can't do anything for herself. (Even if they've been together 30+ years.) A woman will generally always stay, even if she no longer loves her husband.

I would be happy to stay for DH if he needed full time care, but then I do love him, and we have 35 years of history together, a daughter, and a whole life together. I wouldn't be so keen if it was some bloke I'd met in 2017.