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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 02/04/2021 13:17

In your shoes I would call a locksmith and have your locks changed to the type that can't be blocked by an internal key.

Do not discuss this with DH; just do it.

CatherineCawood · 02/04/2021 13:17

I spend much of my day on zoom calls. Nothing is so important that you leave your family locked out. Even if YOU had forgotten your key, to leave you more than a minute or two even if it was YOUR fault is not on. The fact that HE left his key in the door makes it massively unacceptable.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 13:18

although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.

That is just plain nasty!

As you rightly say - he could have made an apology and nipped down to take out his key, open the door, and blame you.

Quite honestly, I would have kicked and shouted at that effing door until he was glad to come out if it had

a) been more than a few minutes

b) happened more than twice (once is absent minded, twice may be distracted - any more is at best thoughtless, at worst deliberate . . . )

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 13:18

So he's King of the Castle, again, who does most of the donkey work in the home? He's also doing that classic manipulative bullshit of contacting you several times when you're out and he's left to do work that he considers only fit for women, hence the he can't remember menial things comments.

I'm going to guess that he's quite the sexist twat.

NewMum0305 · 02/04/2021 13:18

OP, you keep repeating what happened and what made you upset but not really acknowledging all the posts saying how unbelievably unacceptable this is.

Can I ask what you plan to do?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 13:20

@Peace43

I have work calls with paying clients and I’d leave them to let my dog in!!
Absolutely!

What work call takes an hour?

BeagleEagle · 02/04/2021 13:22

What? Most of mine take at least an hour

Thisgirlcando · 02/04/2021 13:22

I would have text/emailed saying let me in now or I will smash the window and let the kids walk through your call!

Or messaged his boss humiliating him over it

MyDaughtersLeftFoot · 02/04/2021 13:22

When DH takes DD to school, I often lock the door out of habit and he normally doesn’t take a key. So he will buzz and even if I’m on a call I will literally say “oh crikey I’ve picked DH out, back in a sec” and I’ll bolt down the stairs and back up again.

This is disgraceful and YANBU, in the slightest. He needs to get telt, that this is not on at all. How disrespectful.

SunnySideUp2020 · 02/04/2021 13:22

Wtf is wrong with people, and i mean the man.
And that you have to come here and ask if you are BU?! This is so sad.
This isn't about BU. Your DH doesn't give a shit. Literally does not care about you or your DC. Appalling.

Newestname001 · 02/04/2021 13:23

OP, I don't understand how you can be so passive about the disrespectful way your husband is treating you and his cruel disregard for his own children. I'm sad you don't see this. ONCE leaving his keys in the door might be excused but he's done this several times - and he's aware he's effectively locked you all out but is ignoring you.

Do get another key cut for the back door - but please also take a clear look at how he values his wife and children vs his own self-worth. 🌹

sunflowersandbuttercups · 02/04/2021 13:24

@Gathertherainbows

He’ll have been out at some point in the day. I can see how he’s accidentally left a key in, especially if busy. It’s the part where it’s his error but he won’t come and let us in.
Hmm, no.

Once is an accident. I accidentally did this to DH this morning, but as soon as he knocked I went to let him in.

No work call is THAT important that you can't disappear for two seconds. Or, he could get wireless headphones and stay on the call while getting the door.

Multiple times is careless at best, controlling and potentially abusive at worst. His behaviour is grim. Take his keys next time, then he can't go anywhere OR lock you out. Make him realise how inconvenient and shitty his behaviour is.

Blanca87 · 02/04/2021 13:25

Are you the OP who has to be at the finishing line of marathons whilst you entertain your child for 8 hours ,so you are present for his glorious finish? If you don't do it you get the silent treatment?

YoniAndGuy · 02/04/2021 13:25

😮

He’s a total arsehole.

No way would I want my kid to grow up seeing me being treated like shit on his shoe.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 02/04/2021 13:26

There’s more to this. He’s a sexist bully. You’ve come on here to ask about a specific incident, but you know it’s not acceptable. Your children are witnessing this unacceptable behaviour from him. You know in your heart it’s not right.

OnceUponAThread · 02/04/2021 13:26

This is outrageous. I own my business. I have several calls daily. Not a single person I work with or for would bat an eyelid if I had to pause a call for 15 seconds after I had locked out my family.

There are a couple of specific exceptions. I occasionally have to go on TV or radio as a spokesperson for my biz. In that case I might wait till the interview was over, but that is likely to be a ten minute wait tops.

Also in those cases I always make OH aware of the timings as I ideally want to minimise background noise for that short period, he then sometimes chooses to go for a walk or up to read or whatever.

I also chair virtual, live conferences which can be up to an hour long between breaks and I make him aware of those timings too. I'm being broadcast live on camera so ideally I would want to stay at my desk, but I could shoot off a quick text explaining and letting him know when I'd be free.

If it was an emergency - I might be able to cut my camera and dash off, that said they are often repackaged as videos for clients so not ideal.

However I would for SURE make sure that I hadn't locked out my partner and kids before the started conference started.

I sometimes see him hovering outside the front door by CHOICE because he doesn't want to disturb me, but I wouldn't actually mind if he chose to come in, and I certainly wouldn't bloody trap him out there in the first place. And definitely definitely not several times.

He's disgusting. You get my first ever LTB. What a prick.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 02/04/2021 13:27

Wtf this is bizarre. No you are absolutely not overreacting.

Nonmaquillee · 02/04/2021 13:27

@Gathertherainbows

He says sorry and that he was on an important call that he couldn’t break off. It’s so frustrating when we are all tired and just want to get in the house and don’t know how long we will be waiting. The first time I thought oh it’ll only be a few minutes, but it was about half an hour the first couple of times. Then last time it was an hour. I took them to the shop and thought surely by the time we are back we will be able to get in but still no. Dd was wailing.
It's happened more than once?? He's nasty.
Temp023 · 02/04/2021 13:27

Next time, Put a brick through his car windscreen and set off the car alarm, that will get his attention.
Honestly, what kind of marriage do you have where you don’t feel justified in ripping him a new aresehole for this type of behaviour?

PeasNotBeans · 02/04/2021 13:27

Ex husband was like this. The house could have been burning down and he wouldn’t get off the phone if was an important work call. I could tell numerous stories over the years of how his work took priority over my health, the kid’s safety.
I used to think I was lucky as he was working so hard for us and feel sorry for him. But gradually I came to realise he chose it, got a lot from it and it was the most important thing in his life. Always. And he was quite pompous and arrogant with it. My life, needs, achievements were all secondary.

BillMasheen · 02/04/2021 13:27

What work call takes an hour?

Oh you Sweet summer child!

I had a four fucking hour marathon this week, and that isn’t even the longest.

There is an unspoken rule of comfort breaks every hour tho.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 02/04/2021 13:27

Honestly, I think he’s abusive. If you are insistent on staying with him, I would advise you to take his key and any spare key and when you leave the house, you lock it from the outside. If he wants to leave the house, he can but it will be using the back door. When he learns what it’s like to be treated like shit, when he agrees to do more to help, including taking the children to breakfast club and cooking etc and when he has properly apologised, then consider letting him have his key back.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 02/04/2021 13:28

What in the world, if my partner did this I would be raging

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 13:28

Wtaf? I’m absolutely gobsmacked reading this! He leaves you outside for up to an hour? Utterly disgusting behaviour. Honestly, this is awful. I would have killed him! I think you said you have another door? Ensure you take the key for that one.

Temp023 · 02/04/2021 13:29

To be honest, if he’s deliberately putting the key on the inside while you are out, then he is locking you out deliberately because he is up to something.