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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 13:30

@RosesandPumpkins

This happened to us recently. It’s a lock that can’t be unlocked with a key in one side. DPs key inside, I couldn’t get in, I knocked and banged and rang the bell till he came. Politely at first but I’d have continued to knock and ring and bang and call through the letterbox till he came. No fecking way would I have let up. Id have been very cross with him and he’d have known about it if I’d waited longer than 10 minutes (the time it takes to have a shower as that may have been where he was) I don’t care if he’s talking to the CEO he could have said I’m so sorry and excused himself for one minute.
It happened to us too a couple of weeks ago and I was locked out with three spaniels.

Bell doesn't work so I tapped on the window to attract DH's attention.

He came to the door and said "Sorry. I didn't realise I'd left my key in." Whole thing took about 30 seconds. Hasn't happened since.

Also when he’s asked me the same thing about a billion times - to do with something like cooking a ready meal for himself if I’ve not been in - and when I’ve said you’ve done this before, why are you asking me again - he’s said he can only remember ‘important information and not the menial stuff.’

I'd be tempted to answer this with "Well, if you regard starving to death as "menial", probably best that evolution removes you from the gene pool. Don't worry about DD - she takes after me and will be able to learn to feed herself as an adult."

RandomMess · 02/04/2021 13:32

I think you are under-reacting tbh. It's beyond unreasonable to not excuse himself and let you in.

It is absolutely symbolic of how he views you and your insignificance. No doubt you do all the grunge work with the DC and around the house.

He is likely deeply misogynistic under a veneer of niceness.

Diamondella · 02/04/2021 13:33

I find this absolutely shocking - an hour! Waiting outside with 2 kids? I would be absolutely furious and he would know about it. Wow I’m just shocked that you appear quite calm about it - that’s not a criticism at all - I personally would just find this totally and utterly out of order. Do it to him back see how he reacts. Leave him standing there for an hour cos you’re “busy”.

Ginsodden · 02/04/2021 13:33

OP, everyone on this thread is angrier than you are about this, and it didn’t happen to them and their children. What does that tell you about where your self worth/ boundaries are right now?

Rukaya · 02/04/2021 13:34

He says sorry and that he was on an important call that he couldn’t break off

No call is that important. He could have been on to the fucking Queen and still opened the door.

When he goes out lock him out. And never let him in again. This man is disgusting.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 13:34

@StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli

That's really cruel of him to let his child stand outside crying because they need the loo. I couldn't forgive him for that.
Apart from anything else, you not taking action is teaching your children that they have to put up with behaviour like this. It's their dad now, but one day it will be a husband/wife/partner.

They are worth more - teach them how valuable they are - and how valuable YOU are, by refusing to accept this sort of crappy treatment.

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 13:34

@AnyFucker

What ? If my husband did this even once he would not see the end of my wrath.

Why are you so passive ? Are you frightened of him ?

He is punishing you for some reason. This is not a loving relationship, he actually hates you.

Exactly this.
OnceUponAThread · 02/04/2021 13:35

@Ginsodden

OP, everyone on this thread is angrier than you are about this, and it didn’t happen to them and their children. What does that tell you about where your self worth/ boundaries are right now?
I'm so angry about it I've been ranting at my husband about the idea of it for 15 minutes and it didn't happen to me. Absolutely outrageous.
SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 13:35

In ten pages, we’ve had the equivalent of ”he didn’t mean to do it” and “it was an accident”.

If this isn’t the epitome of well trained victim of abuse language, I don’t know what is!

Stop making excuses for him! Take care of the security, comfort, and dignity of your family!

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2021 13:35

💐 he’s not a nice person and you’re finding this out.

Do you ant your Dc to grow up thinking this is an ok way for them to be treated?

If he were my H, it would be counselling or divorce. (I gave this ultimatum to my dh, not that he was as nasty as your H, he was a workaholic who was brought up to think that work, was all that matters, he went to counselling and he now regards work as something completely different.)

Shamoo · 02/04/2021 13:35

Absolutely mind blowing. For two reasons. It would take him 30 seconds from the call to fix it (I am on many important calls everyday and there is never a call you can’t step out of for 30 seconds - ever). And secondly the consequences on you and your children are unacceptable. Honestly I cannot believe what I have read.

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2021 13:36

*Do you want

fib11235 · 02/04/2021 13:38

This is so wrong. Tell him to get a headset.

My partner WFH and has frequently left the key in the lock. I knock the door and he comes down and let’s me in without any interruption to his call.

What happens if the next time it’s snowing or raining? Is he happy for you and his child to get pneumonia??

Your other half is being a prick.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/04/2021 13:38

I find this upsetting to read. It's cruel behaviour towards his child.

In normal times I wouldn't wait around but would take the child out for pizza or similar. Charged to nasty bloke, if possible.

Otherwise, I'd be gaining access to my home by whatever means necessary e.g. breaking a window. Text to let him know I'm about to do it, then do it. Or tell him that if he doesn't open up in one minute, I will call an emergency locksmith to drill the lock.

Then do some serious thinking about longer term plans.

Bancha · 02/04/2021 13:38

This has made me so sad to read. It’s heartbreaking to think of you and your DC stuck outside, DD crying, and having to use the loo in the bathroom. I don’t know you or your children, and I feel pretty confident in saying that I, and a lot of the other commenters here who are equally upset reading this, care more about you and your children than your DH. Is that okay with you? Please don’t continue to put up with this. You all deserve so much better.

Bancha · 02/04/2021 13:39

Clearly that should have said garden. I am tired!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 13:39

@BeagleEagle

What? Most of mine take at least an hour
Fair enough - none of mine did.

Different industries, I suppose.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2021 13:39

That is abuse. He's a disgrace.

Beautiful3 · 02/04/2021 13:40

This has happened to us a few times, it ended when I bought a hook and placed it next to the door. It's never happened since, we now lock up and hang up the key.

VanGoghsDog · 02/04/2021 13:42

Obviously he's a controlling wanker. Why does he even leave the key in the door after you've gone out anyway.

Here's a plan. Change the password for the router without telling him (not the WiFi password). When you are outside, log into the router's online page and turn off the router.

He'll soon see how he's not King of the Castle.

Btw, I work for the govt in finance, and even C level directors take time out of calls to answer the door/deal with a child or a pet etc.

OverByYer · 02/04/2021 13:43

He’s a prick. Next time just keep your finger on the door bell until he shifts his nasty arse. Or bang the window or relentlessly ring the house phone.

TatianaBis · 02/04/2021 13:44

What is all this leaving keys in locks? It don't think it's ever happened in our house. Why is the key in the wrong side of the door?

My money is on intentional.

SilverRoe · 02/04/2021 13:45

‘He’ll have been out at some point in the day.
I can see how he’s accidentally left a key in, especially if busy.
It’s the part where it’s his error but he won’t come and let us in.‘

Oh come on OP, you’re acting like it was a one-off. Sure, it’s easily done to do it the one time but he keeps doing it. Has he even said sorry?

You seem almost numb, and you’re minimising now because of the reactions about how not ok this is.

You know it’s a pattern of behaviour and he considers himself to be more important than anyone else in the family. You must also know that repeatedly doing it is way more than just feeling more important - he’s being cruel, exerting his position of authority. And not just over you, over the children too. They will realise it’s him locking them out and not letting them in no matter what soon you put on it. How do you think that feels to them that daddy is happy to let them stand outside waiting and pee in the garden?

Are you just going to continue to take this? Your daughter will be learning that men are dominant and their needs come first from the way he behaves. You happy for her to be seen as a menial second class citizen if she ever gets married?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 02/04/2021 13:46

@TatianaBis

What is all this leaving keys in locks? It don't think it's ever happened in our house. Why is the key in the wrong side of the door?

My money is on intentional.

I leave my key in the back door all the time when I'm home - it's just a safe place to keep them, and it means they're right there if I need to let the dog in/out.
VanGoghsDog · 02/04/2021 13:46

@TatianaBis

What is all this leaving keys in locks? It don't think it's ever happened in our house. Why is the key in the wrong side of the door?

My money is on intentional.

I leave my key on the inside of the door, that's where it lives. But, I live alone so noone is ever locked out.