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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
unforgotten23 · 04/04/2021 13:54

I would be blowing a fog horn through the letter box if some fucker repeatedly and deliberately locked me out of my house with children.
The fog horn would be blown continuously til I was let in.
I would make it a game with the kids

Namechanger0800 · 04/04/2021 14:26

This is really really awful - can't believe he was so nonchalant and casual and you were so meek and accepting in your response. Yes it says a ton about your relationship and none of it good. He must have no respect for you or the children at allI. I honestly can't get my head round it ....what a disgusting thing to happen to leave you out there so long. Find your voice- find your self respect- reset your boundaries and expectations for how you will be treated and tell him that you will not stand for this any more.

i'd be absolutely fuming but my OH would never do this to me and our children in a million years

BertramLacey · 04/04/2021 14:48

But she can take actions to change her circumstances. She doesn't even agree with people on here though. She is just blasé.

I don't think she's blase. I think it's something like learned helplessness or some kind of numbness. If her DH has been gradually ramping up the abuse then she won't realise what it is. Now she's very gradually realising something might be wrong, whilst a lot of random strangers are screaming at her about how bad all these things are and how her husband is abusive. It's a lot to take in, especially when it's information you don't want to believe.

EllenRipley · 04/04/2021 15:02

It's a well worn phrase, but never truer - you deserve better.

Horehound · 04/04/2021 15:27

Even the thread title doesn't make sense "Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?"

Well, where was her overreaction?

CupoTeap · 04/04/2021 15:30

Op, no that's not normal.

I know it's hard to read the replies, but please keep posting.

For me, I coped until it was affecting the D.C., and starting to be directed at them. Everyone has their own point that they have to reach.

jamaisjedors · 04/04/2021 17:12

@Horehound

Well, where was her overreaction?

I know what she meant in the thread title, i felt like this with my ex because he was constantly gas lighting me and telling me he was totally reasonable and i was the crazy one.

I believed him and even went to therapy to "fix myself".

Luckily i did "fix myself", notably my self esteem and boundaries.

Needles to say exh didn't like the result and still blames my therapist for "me throwing away our marriage for nothing".

Again, @Gathertherainbows, please keep posting, mners will help you see through the fog and start to see what's normal and what's not. Flowers

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/04/2021 18:28

Do all men do this?

No, only the nasty ones. Men who like to show off but don't actually contribute.

DH and I used to set up the easter egg hunt together and both help DS hunt. This morning I saw the family from the flat upstairs hunting for easter eggs, all together. That's normal.

It is not totally abnormal for a lazy fucker to stay in bed while his wife does the easter egg hunt for the kids. What makes your husband really abnormal is that he takes a photo to show off and then he expects the children to wait for him before they can enjoy their eggs. He really is a nasty shit.

Orla1970 · 04/04/2021 20:38

That’s exactly what I was thinking! 🤣

Orla1970 · 04/04/2021 20:41

I’m the same. Pretty senior in my org and on more than one occasion I’ve said give me two minutes my dog wants a biscuit. I think the guy likes the control. Having his wife and kids waiting in the garden for an hour. What a prick!

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 05/04/2021 09:25

What do you think of the things pps are saying on the thread op? 99% seem to be of the same opinion.

What do you think about that?

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 05/04/2021 10:52

I’m not sure.
I don’t think I’d go so far as to say abuse if I’m honest, I think it’s disrespectful and clearly demonstrating where he considers us to be in relation to him.
It’s along the same lines as him having his settee. His television.
If any of us sit on his settee and he comes in he says ‘let me have my chair’ and we have to move. 🙄🙄🙄
I’m not scared of him in these instances but I am fed up and a bit worn down I suppose. I no longer expect anything different.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 05/04/2021 11:08

I think "abuse" is such a misleading word because it suggests a deliberate act of violence or aggression.

The term "emotionally destructive/damaging" might be more useful because it concerns the effect on you rather than the intentions behind it, which are irrelevant.

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 05/04/2021 11:12

I agree with the latter part. It’s an insidious drip of the message that we aren’t as important.
I feel a bit like my boundaries have been trampled on and so it’s hard to tell when I should be angry and when not.

OP posts:
Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 05/04/2021 11:17

Yeah maybe not intentional abuse, maybe just that comes 1st and everyone else should do what he wants. My dad is very similar.

Is it something that you think you can live with?

Sunnyjac · 05/04/2021 11:20

You should be angry! You can see that he is disrespecting you and your children, treating you like second class citizens. Why? What right does he have to do that? What makes him so important other than his own sense of entitlement? You are equal. Either he starts to treat you that way or you need to decide what messages you want your children to take into their own relationships in the future.

Alcemeg · 05/04/2021 11:41

I don't think you should feel angry.

Everyone kept telling me I would get angry about it, and then the anger would carry me through.

Guess what, I never did get angry.

Even now, 20+ years on, I don't feel angry with him looking back.

But the relationship I escaped was slowly destroying me, and I am very glad I got out. I'm a very different person now (whole, happy, fulfilled) and can barely recognise the shell of myself back then.

Ninibest · 05/04/2021 12:02

OP I can see that you have been very patient with your husband but now you are putting things together because you are starting to get tired, what will be your enough of him, will be you seeing the way he is treating your child and when that happens you will show your strength.

iknowimcoming · 05/04/2021 12:21

"I’m not scared of him in these instances but I am fed up and a bit worn down I suppose. I no longer expect anything different." OP - think of this statement coming from your children a few years down the line, if you can't make changes now for you, make them for your kids and in doing so you'll come to realise you deserve better and more too Thanks

Iflyaway · 05/04/2021 12:25

I'm appalled that a man can be so selfish and insensitive to his partner and children.

Luckily I don't live with a man - and intend to never do so again - DS has his own place but more importantly, I have a front door that can have a key in both places. I have two locks that have keys in them, that's how I lock them after coming home but I can still unlock the door from the outside.

SecondRow · 05/04/2021 12:36

I don't think changing the lock will necessarily help, though. It could be that more than taking the 30 seconds to let them in, he just doesn't want them in the house at all while he's working.

Does he have issues with noise, OP? How are things when the children are off school?

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/04/2021 12:48

‘Let me have my chair’ ??!

Fucking hell. He thinks you and the kids are lesser beings. He absolutely does. It’s very messed up and toxic OP.

He considers himself a superior being and you al come way down the hierarchy.

Don’t live like this Sad

SunIsComing · 05/04/2021 12:49

Omg! I’d be livid. Why aren’t you? He’s a selfish prick. No excuses at all.

Arrowheart · 05/04/2021 12:56

@Gathertherainbows

I’m not sure. I don’t think I’d go so far as to say abuse if I’m honest, I think it’s disrespectful and clearly demonstrating where he considers us to be in relation to him. It’s along the same lines as him having his settee. His television. If any of us sit on his settee and he comes in he says ‘let me have my chair’ and we have to move. 🙄🙄🙄 I’m not scared of him in these instances but I am fed up and a bit worn down I suppose. I no longer expect anything different.
He made your daughter wee in the garden because you had been waiting an hour for him to let you in and you don't think that is abuse? You are merely fed up? Come on!!!!
Arrowheart · 05/04/2021 12:57

Also, can you update as to the back door keys and why you didn't take those?