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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
RachelRavenRoth · 04/04/2021 11:14

My sister’s partner is a selfish, lazy arse. My parents would probably react no more than an eye-roll, if even that. Because there is no point discussing it or pointing out what a waster he is. Because she defends all his lazy arse behaviour. She wont leave him. So whats the point saying anything to her? They've given up on helping her. But that doesnt stop them being really concerned for their child. But my sister’s dp isnt cruel. He is a shit lazy father of course, but not cruel.

If you left him, op, your family would probably be overjoyed.

CagneyNYPD · 04/04/2021 11:15

Agreed @Arrowheart.

Horehound · 04/04/2021 11:41

This reply has been deleted

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stormsurfer · 04/04/2021 12:00

Please can posters stop being so judgemental of the OP. She needs support.

She has raised a concern. She is questioning if her situation is normal. She is taking the first, brave steps to look at her relationship and is asking for help.

I know from my own experience, from threads on here, from doing the Freedom Programme, from volunteering at WA that these relationships do very much exist.

Abusive men condition women very carefully and over a sustained period of time to accept (that what is clear to outsiders as very far from normal) their version of normal.

My ExH was the one who wanted DC more than me. He wore me down about having them over years. Then when the DC were here he was as cruel and disengaged as the OPs H. It is a classic abuser profile. To get the woman "barefoot and pregnant". A way to get control and dominate. Then to reveal themselves as "King of the Castle".

We are not stupid women. They did not show themselves as abusers before we had children with them. They gradually revealed it, and their behaviour escalated. It is the classic frog on boiling water. It is all done slowly and insidiously.

Please keep posting OP. Now you have started questioning, keep doing that. Keep your list of abnormalities. Examine them. See that is all lies with him, not you. You do need to know this is not normal, you and your DC deserve so much better. When the mist lifts, you will find people to help you.

stormsurfer · 04/04/2021 12:02

@Horehound @CagneyNYPD @Arrowheart

I have had this and much worse happen from my own ExH. Please try to be more empathetic.

Arrowheart · 04/04/2021 12:10

[quote stormsurfer]**@Horehound* @CagneyNYPD* @Arrowheart

I have had this and much worse happen from my own ExH. Please try to be more empathetic.[/quote]
So have I.

Horehound · 04/04/2021 12:13

I have and she isn't listening.... "Are all men like this?" She fucking knows they're not. She wants excuses to stay. It's horrible. It's the kids I feel sorry for.

AndeanMountainCat · 04/04/2021 12:14

Wow. Your husband is a cunt, but you’re being absolutely pathetic. Your poor children.

Carry a back door key, that particular problem solved, surely?

Do you think you’ll be awarded a medal at the end of your life if you insist on suffering enough?

LTB, obviously.

stormsurfer · 04/04/2021 12:17

I just feel the OP need help but gently, not having a go at her.

Arrowheart · 04/04/2021 12:19

Agree about the back door key. The op has never said why she just doesn't take a back door key (and all the keys to the back door). Surely if she did that there would be no need for any of this as she would have taken responsibility for getting her and her children into her house.

Arrowheart · 04/04/2021 12:22

@stormsurfer

I just feel the OP need help but gently, not having a go at her.
Agreed but sometimes people need to be told so they understand just how low they have sunk. There is a child having to wee in a garden here and the op still doesn't get it. Some sharp honest truths need to be told. I had them and they got me to open my eyes.
stormsurfer · 04/04/2021 12:27

We agree, but I worry that she may disappear and therefore not get the help being offered. I really hope for her DCs sake she realises that life will be better away from this man.

Horehound · 04/04/2021 12:28

And why, after being locked out day twice, you wouldn't just take a back door key just in case.
All she said is she thinks it's unreasonable to?

That doesn't make sense. I'm pretty sure the majority of people here will have a back door key and a front door key on their keychain. It seems stupid not to actually!

So @Gathertherainbows can you explain why you think you shouldnt carry a back door key?

Horehound · 04/04/2021 12:29

@stormsurfer

We agree, but I worry that she may disappear and therefore not get the help being offered. I really hope for her DCs sake she realises that life will be better away from this man.
She doesn't want help. Look at her replies. She hasn't taken anything onboard.
Arrowheart · 04/04/2021 12:39

@Gathertherainbows

This morning I’ve got up with the dc to do the Easter egg hunt. DH briefly surfaced to take a photo (to send to his mother probably) and then went back to bed. I’ve got both excited dc at me, both wanting me to open things and see what they have. This is also pretty typical. Do all men do this?
Let the children open their stuff!!! He has gone back to bed. If he wanted to see them open stuff he could. I really hope you haven't stopped them from opening their eggs because he isn't there to see it because if you have you really are not listening to anything you have been told. My worry is you are waiting for him to get up and if you are then you really need to find some strength and stop making the children suffer because you have him on some ridiculous pedestal.
Arrowheart · 04/04/2021 12:43

Find the strength. We are all supporting you. You must be able to see that. I am worried about you and want you to be happy and not wondering if abnormal behaviour is normal. It isn't normal. You can do this, you can move forward and I hope you do x

MarieDelaere · 04/04/2021 12:52

No, the OP hasn't said why she won't carry a back door key as a reasonable contingency, and I got jumped on by another poster for suggesting it, which was a bit weird.

I mean, no-one's remotely defending the husband; everyone seems to trying to lead the OP to greater independence and make suggestions about gaining more control over her and her children's lives, while she moves towards making a big decision.

stormsurfer · 04/04/2021 12:55

Well said @Arrowheart!!

@Gathertherainbows, please come back and keep posting. We want to help.

Onthedunes · 04/04/2021 12:55

Hi Op, how are you?

The ammount of posts must have shocked you, how do you feel about this?

Your question about Easter, yes you have a husband who does not participate, you know that. What you are thinking is correct.
Many narcisistic men will ruin any special occasion, even at the detriment of their own children.
Because it's not about them and they basically are just cruel.
What stands out is what he took from today, a photo to pass on to make him look like an involved parent.
He won't do anything unless there is something he can get out of a situation himself will he?
Keep posting and asking questions.

stormsurfer · 04/04/2021 13:01

Yes. Someone once told me that narcissists want to shine. They collect things that make them look shiny. DC doing Easter egg hunts is a shiny. But only a picture is needed to allow them to send that to others to look shiny. They don't think it's necessary to actually be involved in setting it up, enjoying the moment, being there for the DC. It's all about how they APPEAR to others.

Thestreets · 04/04/2021 13:24

Where is the rage for your children OP? If anybody made my children's use the toilet crying in the garden I would be more than "slightly annoyed"! You are showing your children that it is OK to be treated this way. Wake up.

Onthedunes · 04/04/2021 13:24

@stormsurfer

Yes appearances are everthing.
What we would like to see is op gaining confidence to shed light to others.
Admitting you are badly treated is humiliating and hurtful, no one wants to accept they made the wrong choice in a partner, we feel responsible as though it is our own fault.

Op you cannot be held responsible for your husbands behaviour, behaving as others have said 'like a doormat' in many womens cases is a coping mechanism and a question of survival.

Horehound · 04/04/2021 13:28

[quote Onthedunes]@stormsurfer

Yes appearances are everthing.
What we would like to see is op gaining confidence to shed light to others.
Admitting you are badly treated is humiliating and hurtful, no one wants to accept they made the wrong choice in a partner, we feel responsible as though it is our own fault.

Op you cannot be held responsible for your husbands behaviour, behaving as others have said 'like a doormat' in many womens cases is a coping mechanism and a question of survival.[/quote]
But she can take actions to change her circumstances. She doesn't even agree with people on here though. She is just blasé.
But don't you agree you'd take a back door key after say the 3rd time being locked out? That's just common sense.

CatalinaCasesolver · 04/04/2021 13:29

@stormsurfer

Yes. Someone once told me that narcissists want to shine. They collect things that make them look shiny. DC doing Easter egg hunts is a shiny. But only a picture is needed to allow them to send that to others to look shiny. They don't think it's necessary to actually be involved in setting it up, enjoying the moment, being there for the DC. It's all about how they APPEAR to others.
This!

Massive red flag, I suspect we are only hearing a tiny percentage of what's really happening.

Scandicc · 04/04/2021 13:40

Next time, kick the fucker down. And by ‘fucker’ I mean door and/or husband.
Preferably both.

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