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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 04/04/2021 09:33

I wouldn't do this to our cats let alone a human especially my own child. This would finish things for me

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 09:37

You have extremely low standards OP. It's embarrassing.

Mix56 · 04/04/2021 09:47

Go & wake him up & say "Do you want to participate ?", because the children will be opening their things in 2 minutes....
Then carry on.

SausageDogSandwich · 04/04/2021 09:50

I would absolutely lose my shit and it would pretty much be grounds for divorce if he had done it three times. Your reaction doesn't sound normal. In fact, you sound like a complete and utter doormat.

Does he always get his own way, have the last word, make the decisions?

merrygoround88 · 04/04/2021 10:02

OP- No, most men do not behave like this. My father did and all I can say is consider if he might change
If not then you need to consider the marriage long term and sooner is better than later as in a few years you will be totally ground down

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 04/04/2021 10:04

Oh the children carried on. He just got up for a minute, took a photo and went back to bed.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 04/04/2021 10:09

You know that’s not normal. What a shit situation.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 04/04/2021 10:09

@Gathertherainbows

This morning I’ve got up with the dc to do the Easter egg hunt. DH briefly surfaced to take a photo (to send to his mother probably) and then went back to bed. I’ve got both excited dc at me, both wanting me to open things and see what they have. This is also pretty typical. Do all men do this?
The abusive ones, yes.

like the abusive one you've got there.

SausageDogSandwich · 04/04/2021 10:14

@Gathertherainbows

Oh the children carried on. He just got up for a minute, took a photo and went back to bed.
You must be utterly miserable but it sounds like you are pretty much resigned to the situation.

Are you apathetic about everything or just him?

Arrowheart · 04/04/2021 10:18

@Gathertherainbows

I guess at least he got up briefly. Other years not at all.
Stop it!!! Stop making excuses for him. It is infuriating to read. It's as if you haven't read any of the replies to your first post, all of which are from women showing the anger you should be and all who are trying to help you.

So he got up briefly, wow, what a star he is. All is forgiven. Come on OP, listen to yourself!!!!

NoSquirrels · 04/04/2021 10:21

@Gathertherainbows

Oh the children carried on. He just got up for a minute, took a photo and went back to bed.
Again, not normal.

My DH is not perfect (neither am I) and he’s not always arsed about organising egg hunts or stuff like that - his family never did it so he doesn’t see the point - he was just given an egg before breakfast, whereas my mum always hid them so I do too.

But he’d never not get up to participate, or go back to bed having just taken a photo. He loves seeing his children excited and enjoying things. He’ll help hide them if I ask him to. He’ll discuss plans (“what time are we doing eggs?”).

rainbows you and your children deserve better than a man who’s just paying lip service to family life.

SignOnTheWindow · 04/04/2021 10:22

Just to put this in perspective, OP: my late partner once accidentally locked me in the house and when I contacted him to let him know, left work and travelled halfway across London to let me out. As he should. Work was pissed off, I was pissed off, he was pissed off, but everyone understood what needed to happen. Not to let you in when he is in the house and you are with the children is absolutely despicable.

MzHz · 04/04/2021 10:25

@Gathertherainbows

This morning I’ve got up with the dc to do the Easter egg hunt. DH briefly surfaced to take a photo (to send to his mother probably) and then went back to bed. I’ve got both excited dc at me, both wanting me to open things and see what they have. This is also pretty typical. Do all men do this?
My ex used to do similar

used to sit sulking and glowering at other times

Had to ruin everything somehow

Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, anything that sparked happiness in anyone that wasn’t him.

living with a man like this is AWFUL.

Note he’s my ex. I loathe and detest him and he knows it, keeps trying to paper over the cracks he created. I repel all attempts

Do this for your kids.
End this for them.

Live happy and show them good relationships FOR THEM.

BadMotherLover · 04/04/2021 10:26

This is very odd behaviour. I think the best way to stop it is to lock him out for 30 mins or so. I suspect that if you do that once, he will ensure he takes his key out in future.

MzHz · 04/04/2021 10:26

Nobody ever regrets leaving a man like your husband

Just ask around, ask us, ask random strangers

CatalinaCasesolver · 04/04/2021 10:27

Surely this can't be real? Someone can't be this much of a doormat come on!

OP if you are real your husband is an arsehole and you are letting him treat you and your kids like shit. Nothing about what you've posted is 'normal'.

Alcemeg · 04/04/2021 10:36

Did he want kids? He's acting as though having kids was all your idea and you can just get on with it.

RachelRavenRoth · 04/04/2021 10:40

@Alcemeg

Did he want kids? He's acting as though having kids was all your idea and you can just get on with it.
Quite on here men change history and say they never wanted the children they planned together as a couple as a way to blame the wife for the breakup. Poor man eas forced in to it blah blah blah.

When the reality is, why would that even matter? Theyre here and he is being cruel to them. Whether he wanted them or not, that is absolutely scum of the earth awful behaviour.

Grrrpredictivetex · 04/04/2021 10:42

@Bedsheets4knickers

I've read some seriously fucked up shit over the years OP but this is Crackers . You seem unwilling to give a real insight to your lives . Infact it's so crackers I think it's a windup .
I'm beginning to think this. Nobody on earth would think this behaviour is normal.
Alcemeg · 04/04/2021 10:43

Oh yes I agree, @RachelRavenRoth. I was just musing. It sounds as though he's completely checked out. Of course there are a number of possible explanations for that, all of which involve him not being a very nice person.

I wish I could get rid of this mental image of him being unable to leave his Zoom call because he is dressed in a giant crinoline with a ribboned wig etc!!!

Dery · 04/04/2021 11:00

As PP have said, it’s not normal for fathers to be so disengaged. He clearly regards himself and his needs as consistently more important than everyone else. That makes him a poor father and spouse.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/04/2021 11:02

@Gathertherainbows

I guess at least he got up briefly. Other years not at all.
My ExH was like this. He sounds unengaged, aloof and haughty. He has a superiority complex and treats you as if you are there to do his bidding. I'd be looking at the quality of this relationship and evaluating my options if I were you (well I did. 10 years ago. Best decision ever).
picklemewalnuts · 04/04/2021 11:02

@Gathertherainbows

I am surprised by how angry other posters think I should be. I was annoyed but not that annoyed. I know it’s not great but it was only half an hour the first couple of times and then an hour. And when I’ve told people IRL no one has suggested it was abusive or anything other than an inconvenience. I felt it was symbolic of his attitude which is why I asked here, but I really didn’t expect people to think it was so shocking. I’ve told my parents and a couple of friends and no one has done anything more than roll their eyes. For me it’s just something else to note down and remember in terms of behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order, should I so need it at a later date.
I suspect they are just rollingbtgeir eyes because they know he's an arse, ans think theres no point telli g you again.
Dery · 04/04/2021 11:03

The more you post, the more I think your parents and friends confined themselves to just rolling their eyes because they have long disliked him and his behaviour but are scared of driving you away by putting it into words.

Arrowheart · 04/04/2021 11:07

@CatalinaCasesolver

Surely this can't be real? Someone can't be this much of a doormat come on!

OP if you are real your husband is an arsehole and you are letting him treat you and your kids like shit. Nothing about what you've posted is 'normal'.

I agree with this. No new post from the OP indictates that she agrees with and understands what she is reading in all the replies. I understand now why her friends and family will be rolling their eyes at her when she tells them stuff as I am at that point now. I'm beginning to think she isn't what she seems. Despite everyone telling the OP this is not normal she continues to be ok about it all, not find her rage and just post more examples of what she seems content to put up with.
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