Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

@ItscoldinAlaska - I'm so sorry you went through that and so happy you're free now. I hope you're right and the OP realises how far from normal this is

@Musthavesbackagain

I can kind of understand OP playing it down when it comes to her husband treating HER like some second class citizen. After all, women are the most socialised creatures on earth, are we not? But your young daughter wailing? After a long day out of the house? Absolutely not. As a pp said, some pages back - that man would feel my wrath. Everyone saying that this man values himself far higher than OP is absolutely spot on. Yes - his wants and his needs are placed far above and always always will be. Been there, done that, got the decree absolute. OP - I had a husband like this. It's been 18 months since I kicked his arrogant backside out, and I have not regretted divorcing him for one single second. Before he left, I had a nice lifestyle, I didn't even have to work. Now I graft, I don't earn a lot of money. And life is hard somedays - emotionally, physically and financially. My savings are dwindling with each passing month. But the house is calm. My child feels peaceful and is far, far happier. It's tangible. You could not pay me all the money in the world to have that man back in our home. And I know that better days are ahead for me and my child in every way. OP, I am telling you now, you need to leave somehow and find your way out. This man will not change.

I had similar too

Nowhere near in this scale of cruelty tho.

Life was tough for a bit, now it’s the way thing ever

My child blossomed within days of getting shot of his dad, and has grown into a fabulous young man

If My life can change this much in my late 40’s, imagine yours!

Trust me, believe me, have faith and believe in yourself

The life you and your dc are living is sooooo damaging

The sooner you get him out of your lives, the sooner you’ll improve your life.

We are ALL behind you.

You are---- very submissive.
You have to-- wonder if you have been abused all your life... Do your parents also take you for granted (treat you like a non entity?)--
What kind if example is this setting for your children?

Strike through error !

although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in

I'd LTB. He's an abuser and is clearly doing it deliberately. By putting up with it you're letting your DC think it's acceptable. It's not.

I absolutely don't think what you're husband did was right and it absolutely sends the wrong message to you're children in regards to leaving them in the garden for over an hour.

Are you quite a calm person as you seem very calm have you spoke to you're husband every time he treats you like this and speaks to you like you are below him

Is this normal for the household he was brought up in?

What pressure is he in @ work (like for instance if he paused the call would he have lost the client. Id he under financial pressure (just thinking outside the box ) still doesn't justify making youre daughter wait just trying to see if a level of stress was involved otherwise he is just a self imposed twat!

I think in the world of mumsnet it is easy to look at a situation and judge without looking beyond.

Do you communicate with him how he is making you feel?

Well done for being calm in front of your children. if you cant see beyond this behaviour or a reason for why or try to communicate to him and see if he is willing to change id he making an exit plan.

Fucking hell OP this is one of the saddest things I’ve read on MN and I’ve been here for many years under various usernames. Your responses are so passive that it’s clear you’ve accepted this abuse as normal behaviour. Your poor poor DD, those of us with abusive parents know that this sort of behaviour will never be forgotten. You may have accepted this for yourself but how can you bare to have your poor tiny child be humiliated and distressed so much??

For what it’s worth my door is similar to yours where it needs locking from the inside and DH has left the key in it before whilst I’ve been out. He works for the police and was doing a zoom presentation to a big boss when I came back and couldn’t get in. He texted me to hang on and as soon as he was finished talking he told them he had to just open the door quick, these big police bosses didn’t die in the 5 seconds it took for him to open the door!! No way would he allow DD to cry for even 10 mins when he can hear her! Fucking hell you’re married to a man who cares so little about you and his children. What a disgusting piece of shit. Perhaps once would be ok but any decent man would never do it more than once! Yours clearly enjoys you struggling and enjoys hearing his children crying knowing it’s them and you suffering not him. I am so angry on your behalf, I wish you were too.

I hope you take these answers on board and have the strength to leave this bastard one day - hopefully before your daughter is conditioned to believe this is normal behaviour and that you are so unworthy of any basic human respect. When you are ready to leave post on this board again, under a new username if you like, you will need the support and we will be here. Protect your children, they deserve to be safe and not distressed in their own home.

A NC (my first!) and a hand hold here OP.

I totally understand where you're coming from. My DP is quite similar and I am very passive about it (to my own detriment, I know), but increasingly conscious of the effect it could have on our DCs as well.

ExitChasedByAnImposter

Gathertherainbows
He just said sorry, I was on an important call. Then he went upstairs again. He didn’t mention it again. Any of the times.

Your children will remember this. His active contempt and your passive inaction. It’s a very sad situation. It’s scary for children as they don’t know how to deal with an abusive parent or the non-abusive parent standing by and letting it happen. Sometimes they are angrier at the latter for not fighting for them and protecting them. Don’t be that parent who stands by and doesn’t protect their kids. If you are scared of confronting him then you need real life support. Seek advice from Women’s Aid, even solicitors if you have to. Take your book of things he is doing to remind you of what you have had to deal with.

I still stand by what I said. I am not saying to do things overnight. It might take weeks or months, but please do not let things slide. Do get real life support. Do not let those rolled eyes make you think any of this is normal. Perhaps for whatever reason, your friends or family cannot really speak their mind?

But do know that it is not normal or healthy to live like this. For your sake and for your children sake, think of how much you’ve let things go so far and how much longer you can take this. What will it really take for you to see things for what they really are? How bad does it really have to eventually be for you to find the strength to leave? And are you willing to wait that long? And at what cost? And ask yourself, would you stand by if your friend came to you and mentioned any of what happened today? What would you say if, in the future, your daughter came to you for advice about the things you have had to put up with so far in goodness knows how long? Would you still think that it’s fine? What kind of life do you really want your children to lead?

Think of the long lasting impact it is having on you and will have on your children. You might think that somehow everything that you’re doing is not as important compared to him but remember you are worth more than this. You and your children deserve better.

Gathertherainbows

“Yes he’d be fuming but I’ve no reason to do it to him. He’d be especially fuming if he had the children and one of them was wailing, but I wouldn’t do it them - especially to prove a point.“

He had no reason to do it to you either. And yet he did it anyway.

More than once.

I think OP has left the thread...there is only so much advice that we can give....I just hope she is ok .

OP my ex husband did this to me - we had the same (stupid) kind of door (if you didn't lock it with the key when you got it, anyone could have opened the door and walked in). Incidentally, I investigated changing the lock, but was told the whole door needed to be replaced.

My ex would lock us out, drink heavily and pass out ... he never apologised or tried not to do it again. He treated me with utter contempt. Hence he's my ex and I'm happier than I've ever been.

I am sure there are other ways your husband demonstrates how unimportant you are to him. I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

This morning I’ve got up with the dc to do the Easter egg hunt. DH briefly surfaced to take a photo (to send to his mother probably) and then went back to bed. I’ve got both excited dc at me, both wanting me to open things and see what they have.
This is also pretty typical. Do all men do this?

My ex was like that, much happier without him.
But no, not all men behave like that.

No all men do not do this. My DH is working away at the moment for a few months. He has gone out of his way to organise Easter surprises for us from the other side of the world and will FaceTime us later to see the kids opening them. He would NEVER lock us out of the house like that.

It sounds really hard OP but I think you need to stop accepting this level of treatment.

I’ve never heard of a father doing this! I thought one of the sweet things about parenting is sharing moments like the Easter egg hunt. That is very sad and weird.

I guess at least he got up briefly. Other years not at all.

My ex used to do that to.

He had more important things to do.

Once or twice he actually acknowledged that it was nice that i organised that kind of thing, but mostly he just let me get on with it on my own although i never knew whether he was going to want to put not so was always waiting around for him or being disappointed.

If I pretended he didn't exist he got huffy that he felt excluded from our family....

You have far more patience than me op.
I would say the next time you ever lock me or the dcs out of the house I will stand beating on the door until you spoken it. Don't ever lock me out again.
Are you frightened of him?
He sounds revolting.

This is also pretty typical. Do all men do this?

No Op. Only lazy selfish twats who can't be bothered with their wife and children.

There's another man on another thread still in bed and his poor children are having to wait for him to get up to get their Easter Eggs.

I'd be considering how much better life would be without him. For all of you.

@Gathertherainbows

Do you know how to switch off the wi fi from your phone for the next time he does this? If not, can you find out?

I would have interrupted a call with my CEO to let you in. And he'd have understood too. Your husband is a twat. I hope you're not dependent on his Big Important Man Job.

This is also pretty typical. Do all men do
this?

No they don’t. Me and my husband are just about to go outside together to hide the eggs for our girls. Together we will watch them search and together we will take them for a walk this afternoon.

Your husband doesn’t sound interested in any aspect of family life. To the point that he locks you out. Reconsider this relationship OP

I've read some seriously fucked up shit over the years OP but this is Crackers . You seem unwilling to give a real insight to your lives . Infact it's so crackers I think it's a windup .

Yes, my ex used to do this. At christmas, birthdays and easter. I stopped making the DC wait and took the abuse myself. What would happen if you just let them open things without him? It is so good you are asking these questions OP. Keep asking anything that you aren't sure is normal/abnormal.

"Only" half an hour. I go bananas if my husband takes three minutes to walk up to flights of stairs to let me in if he left the key in accidentally. Half an hour and one hour is CRUEL and utterly contemptuous. Yes to lobbing a brick through the window, locking him out for an hour, and take a back door key. Despicable behaviour.