Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

So glad to hear there are some great, real men out there, good answer!

@Redruby2020 Yes, I got there in the end 🤣 This is my second marriage and he's amazing and I am lucky and happy etc etc.

My first marriage was very much like the OP's. I stayed for 17 years wondering if it was OK. I'm actually writing a novel about all this now, in the hope that one day I can just say to friends in a similar situation "Have a look on page 34, it's all there." 💗 We all seem to go round in circles over the same sort of things.

@Gathertherainbows Can I ask you this, how did you feel when you watched your husband watching his own daughter having to wee in the garden?

@Gathertherainbows

I am surprised by how angry other posters think I should be. I was annoyed but not that annoyed. I know it’s not great but it was only half an hour the first couple of times and then an hour. And when I’ve told people IRL no one has suggested it was abusive or anything other than an inconvenience. I felt it was symbolic of his attitude which is why I asked here, but I really didn’t expect people to think it was so shocking. I’ve told my parents and a couple of friends and no one has done anything more than roll their eyes. For me it’s just something else to note down and remember in terms of behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order, should I so need it at a later date.

I give up. Your replies are just how he would like them. You need to find your backbone and stop being like this. Have some self respect. This is a man who knowingly allowed your daughter to wee in the garden. This is the point when enough is enough and you find your strength. Your child looked to you for help and you were too meek and submissive to give it. Your child should be able to rely on you. You should have banged on the door, banged on the windows, kept ringing the bell until he let you in and then you should have taken control, got keys sorted and never left the house again giving him the opportunity to lock you out. Why you couldn't take all the keys for the back door or the other door is beyond me and a question you still haven't answered. You are taking no responsibility for this at all.

Op what were you looking for when you started this thread?

You knows that your husband's behaviour is appalling and abusive deep down. You talk about him fuming, what does this mean? Are you scared of him?

I really hope that you gather the strength to leave him before your daughter starts to think that this is how women should be treated by their partners.

He sounds like his self image of someone who is above minor details is more important to him than anything else, including how he treats his family. What would happen if you challenged him another way, eg "right, Mr Head-in-the-Clouds, I've ordered a new door/ lock to be fitted, so you can be as distrait as you like and we can still get in the house"

What stands out even more on this thread is that you leave the house at 7:30am,drop the kids off at their childcare provider and then go to work,collect them and then come home to start dinner.

I'm betting your the one who gets them ready in the morning,organises the childcare and payments for this,do most of the parenting and you probably do the lions share of the shopping/housework and laundry;what does he contribute other than money?

@Gathertherainbows - so glad you posted on here. I have no idea why your parents and friends just roll their eyes UNLESS they have long thought your H is a complete knob and this is just one more example of it and they despair of you realising how wrong this is. Perhaps they feel unable to criticise him to you.

Whatever the reason, as many PPs have said: you are under-reacting. He doesn’t have the kind of emergency job that means he genuinely can’t step away from the computer. And if he did, a decent father would not allow this situation to arise more than once.

I wonder what his colleagues would think of him if he told them he left his wife and children stuck outside the house for even 10 mins, let alone 30+ to the extent his daughter had to pee in the garden. This is horrible behaviour. You really don’t want your children thinking this is how a good father behaves.

@Gathertherainbows sorry I’m writing a third reply but my family also under reacted to my telling them of my ex’s behaviour. Since we’ve been apart they have told me they were worried about him poisoning our relationship if he felt they were against them. I’ve never felt as alone as I did with him as my family took a step back and he bullied me.

He made you and the children wait for an hour, knowing your small child needed the toilet. Then he watched this distressed child have to piss herself rather than let her in.
That's not normal. That's an abusive power trip.

Of course he'd be fuming. Because that is a normal response.

Do you see now?

I can tell you why friends and family under-react. It's because they have to see him with you and don't want to lose your friendship. It makes it too awkward if they tell you truthfully how bad it is.

I've been there, I have seen the raised eyebrows when I described my then husband's behaviour. People really don't like to be blunt in case they make things worse or get dropped from your circle.

I just read this situation to my partner, his jaw dropped and he said ‘Holy Fuck, that man is a total cunt’.

So there you go. The view from a decent man.

@Gathertherainbows I know the response on here is probably overwhelming. As others have said, keep posting, thinking and making your notes if you must. You're definitely on to something and I suspect you know this, deep down. Please remember that you deserve a partner who is your best friend, who wants to protect you and your children. Someone that never ever gives you a reason to make notes or question their intentions.

Also just want to clarify, I'm not condoning throwing bricks through windows, it would be awful and frightening for kids to witness this. I was just so angry on your behalf! I have a little girl and my heart just broke at the thought of being in the same position.

If this happens again, I'd give him 10mins max to open the door and if he doesn't, get to somewhere safe you can stay - mum's/friends etc. Then maybe send him a link to this thread!!! Wishing you the best.

Take the key with you so it cannot be locked. I naturally lock the back door but kept doing it while OH was in the garden so to stop me locking the door he takes it with him and puts it in his pocket.

I'm going to change tack @Gathertherainbows.

I want to say WELL DONE for posting. It must have taken a great deal of strength to do that. Do not show him this thread.

You have a private (hopefully) space to talk of your experiences. Please keep posting, it is very hard to believe when you are being conditioned that abuse is occuring. You ARE being conditioned.
You are downplaying his actions, you have gone into defence mode because you have been trained to keep this all a SECRET.

If that day you were outside, you decided to go round to a neigbours and had then in the garden waving at him, do you think he would have answered the door? If you had called the police do you think he would have answered the door?
Of course he would, he would have minimised it to them and then been very angry at you.

This is abuse, it may not be physical, he doesn't need to do that yet as you are doing everything in your power to make him happy, but I bet it will go there if you question his authority.

You are keeping his abuse SECRET.

It is very frightening to open up and tell others, he will turn it round and make you look crazy.
It is not your fault and we believe you.
You are young and cannot see the future, some of us older ladies know that kind of systematic treatment and where it can lead. This pecking order, you know you are at the bottom already don't you?
Well believe me there is further down he can take you, the next step is dehumanising you.
He has started already.

Again I'm so pleased you posted.
Please try not to be afraid, that is him in your head, you can trust us, I won't demand you take action, you are not strong enough yet.
But understand you opening up is the way forward.

This will effect your dc more than you realise.Dh used to get locked out of the house by his dm as a punishment and it really triggers him if I accidentally lock him out while I'm at home.

@Onthedunes

I'm going to change tack *@Gathertherainbows*.

I want to say WELL DONE for posting. It must have taken a great deal of strength to do that. Do not show him this thread.

You have a private (hopefully) space to talk of your experiences. Please keep posting, it is very hard to believe when you are being conditioned that abuse is occuring. You ARE being conditioned.
You are downplaying his actions, you have gone into defence mode because you have been trained to keep this all a SECRET.

If that day you were outside, you decided to go round to a neigbours and had then in the garden waving at him, do you think he would have answered the door? If you had called the police do you think he would have answered the door?
Of course he would, he would have minimised it to them and then been very angry at you.

This is abuse, it may not be physical, he doesn't need to do that yet as you are doing everything in your power to make him happy, but I bet it will go there if you question his authority.

You are keeping his abuse SECRET.

It is very frightening to open up and tell others, he will turn it round and make you look crazy.
It is not your fault and we believe you.
You are young and cannot see the future, some of us older ladies know that kind of systematic treatment and where it can lead. This pecking order, you know you are at the bottom already don't you?
Well believe me there is further down he can take you, the next step is dehumanising you.
He has started already.

Again I'm so pleased you posted.
Please try not to be afraid, that is him in your head, you can trust us, I won't demand you take action, you are not strong enough yet.
But understand you opening up is the way forward.

This.

Keep reading and thinking OP.

Change your username and come back later if it’s a bit much. That’s fine. But please do,keep posting, and,whatever you do, don’t show him the tread, or let him know you are posting here. This is your safe,space to come to a decision in your own time.

So, how is it you do the menial stuff if you work too? Don't tell me! He obviously has decided it's 'womens work'. Well he's a peach, you've accepted a sexist, rellick from the dark ages who thoroughly believes that men make the world go round and women and children are 2nd class. I think you must know this by now though, given that you seemed to be as much concerned that you needed to get on with cooking food for him after being locked out by him. This shows how much you have been conditioned to adopt the traditional role - however, itbseems to have escaped yourself and him that you actually work too. You are not a SAHM, so you should have a man who is willing and able to do 'menial stuff'. Guess you are doing 2 roles whilst he just does the one and thinks he's great.
I'd lose all respect for a man like this very quickly, a man who does not respect women in general, has no respect for his wife either. Unbelievable that you wanted to cook for him after that. Actually, as he is WFH, he should be doing it. You sound downtrodden already if you think half an hour isn't long this is symptomatic of that. If you respected yourself, you'd find 10 mins is too long, as I would.

I had similar experiences - being asked to collect exH from the train station, when it was -5 with a newborn and a toddler then being kept waiting for over an hour, or we used to get ready to leave at x time, so we could get to an arranged event/place/party, I would get the dc ready and into the car and he would go back into the house to 'look for something' and would he 30 mins. Once I found him just stood in the hallway. He was not looking for anything. He was just enjoying me being a stressed out, anxious mess. It was him controlling the food coming in the house, the month the heating got turned on, the family money, what I wore, who the DC saw, the utterly shit cheap crap family holidays he forced us to endure. It resulted in me being raped in my sleep, my ribs broken, bitten, me lying about everything to him and everyone else to stop him hurting me. It. Broke. Me. @AnyFucker and a couple of other posters really helped me leave (in 2014) I went to my brother and my parents for help, once I told them the whole truth they stopped rolling their eyes.

I am so sorry for you OP. You know its wrong, you have posted on here, you are taking the first steps. You are a hero for thinking on it. You will get there. My ex has just been here to collect the dc 15 mins ago. He was late as 'he was just having a brew'. He is now a lonely, old, pathetic man who rattles around in the big marital home and slowly but surely the DC are wanting less and less to do with him as he tries to control them. Our eldest never sees him. They see him for what he is. I have a lovely new house and DP. He lives in the ashes of our old life. You can get there. Your life doesn't have to be like this

Good God, @ItscoldinAlaska thank God you got away from him

As you said previously, do make notes of his treatment as they will be useful when you divorce him for unreasonable behaviour

The first thing that came into my mind is that he was talking to another woman who doesn't know he's married and thinks he lives alone. I've just had so many truly nasty and devious men in my life, that I always think the worst case scenario these days. Sorry to go out on a limb, but I cannot think of any other reason not to let you in.

@AnyFucker you won't remember because you help so many people on here and it was a long time ago. But you and expatinscotland and I think it was Yoni and gamerchick, slowly peeled back my blinkers. I remember writing 'It's not that bad' and one of you just wrote 'Listen love, it is really bad'. I don't know why but that simple sentence jolted me.

That drip, drip effect on here; of multiple people saying 'Your normal is abnormal' REALLY works. I am sure OP will get there.

I hope so 🤞

OP, 99.9% of humans who had been locked out of their homes - several times in the course of 2 weeks, with the dc - would have gone ballistic when dh finally got round to letting them in.

You need to ask yourself why you did not. Why you accepted the 'you and the children are so beneath my notice that I will not excuse myself for 60 seconds'.

Why are you making excuses and minimising this?