Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

This is a really upsetting thread. Like other posters I don't understand why you aren't furious. He has really done a number on you and got you to fully buy into his "King of the castle" crap.

If this has happened to me I'd have been mildly annoyed first time but I'd also expect him to address the situation straight away by LETTING US IN. If he'd delayed without a bloody good reason or it had happened again I'd go absolutely ballistic. A third time and I'd be leaving the relationship. His contempt for you and the children is disgusting.

You've not properly tackled the issue of taking a back door key. I have a hunch that if you did so he'd just "happen" to start leaving a key inside the back door lock as well. Have a think ... is this also what you suspect? And why you don't want to test it?

Your husband is vile vile vile. He is constantly reminding you that you and the children are WAY below him in the pecking order, just in case you get any ideas that you and they might also be important.

I'm stunned he thinks this is OK. I was on a call last week & dh text to say they were outside & my key was in door. I immediately excused myself from the call & opened door. I was gone for less than 2 minutes.

How utterly disrespectful he is being.

I’ve read this whole thread. Twice. My ex did this to me and I hadn’t realised it was part of his sustained campaign of abuse against me. I needed to see this many people say it’s wrong. It took me 8 years to realise how abusive he is. I’ve lost sight of what normal is many years ago. I’m so used to being controlled that I’m really struggling in every day life and because we co parent he still controls my life to an extent. You can be free op but it will take time to get back to normal and be able to recognise abnormal behaviour.

It’s happened several times in the last couple of weeks. You say yourself that he treats you all with contempt. Would he find it normal or acceptable for your DD to pee in the garden if she was just out playing? If not, then he deliberately humiliated hers (you’ll know what your garden is like, if she could find a hidden corner etc). You say that what he did infuriated you then follow that up with you almost got to the point of just going out again. How do you get from “infuriated” to “popping out”? You are also accepting that he is the king of the castle. You’ve said you’re far down his priorities and seem to be ok with that. From what you’ve written you’re just going to accept everything he does until some unspecified point in the future. What’s your cut-off point for changing things, be that speaking to him about it or divorcing? Where is your line? What will he have to do to you or the DC that will make you think “This is unacceptable and it has to stop”?

At the start of this post you were prepared to be told you were being unreasonable. You’ve then down-played everyone saying it’s really unreasonable and bordering on a safe-guarding issue. Do you know why? You are infuriated by him, are keeping note of the bad things he does so you can use them in the future, he humiliated your DD, you say he treats you with contempt, accept that many other things are more important than all of you then don’t seem to be that bothered by it all. Part of you knows this is wrong. Please explore that part. Read some of the resources pp mentioned.

Arrange to get the lock changed so it doesn’t happen again. If it’s all just a “these things happen” then he’s not going to be bothered. If there’s a reason you feel uncomfortable getting the lock changed (ie because of his reaction) then should give you some insight.

He made it happen, but please don’t let your DD have to pee in the garden again.

Dh has accidentally locked me out and me him but if I’d been in the house I would have prioritised him being let in. No meeting is uninterruptible, it honestly isn’t. He could turn off his camera (blaming internet drop) and take his laptop with him so he doesn’t miss anything being said as he removes the key. Everyone is doing video calls right now so he’s not special, he’s behaving like a prick and it’s not okay! It demonstrates where you and the kids are in his levels of importance. That’s what I couldn’t live with without a firm conversation.

@Gathertherainbows

Yes he’d be fuming but I’ve no reason to do it to him. He’d be especially fuming if he had the children and one of them was wailing, but I wouldn’t do it them - especially to prove a point.

Exactly, my ExP didn't do things like what your DH is doing, but other stuff, even just like he could keep us waiting as in me and DC, but it wouldn't be accepted the other way around, I was rushing and panicking all the time, sometimes he would be okay, the next time he wouldn't, I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Sitting here today, sleep deprived and stressed, stuck in for a few days, and yet I can still take some good out of it when I read posts like this, and think thank god I got rid of it!

P.a my DF has said things well several over the years, belittling etc, he would say something over something simple like setting up a new hoover for example 'yes but you've got to have brains to do these kind of things' 🤦‍♀️ what lol setting up a hoover?! And my DM who still excuses him now, would say oh just ignore it or oh he's only joking.

@Gathertherainbows

I can see that because you've 'tested the waters' by mentioning these incidents to 'family and friends', none of whom have been shocked, as far as you could tell, you've somehow decided that ''it's not a big deal, just inconvenient''.

You haven't said anything about how your H treats the DC's, but you have said that your H tends to demean you generally ?

What do you want to do about it ?
What was the actual purpose of posting what happened ?
Why do you feel the need to defend him ?

Everyone here is telling you it IS abuse, but you don't want to hear or acknowledge their opinions.

So, again I'm asking, what was the purpose of posting, if you're determined to deny the reality ?

Everyone here is thinking how badly you and the DC have been treated (and how that is affecting you all, because it is affecting all of you) and how your H has zero respect or love for any of you, and yet you continue to chirp away about ''he didn't do it on purpose'' , and ''maybe I don't understand how important business is'' or even ''He's done it a few times, but not on purpose'' and the worst for me was ''He could see us and knew we were in the garden'' and could even see his own DD having to pee in the garden !!

Unless you are prepared to protect YOUR children from this abuse, then there is nothing more us MN posters can do, is there ? Are you really so sure that his behaviour is normal ??

Please protect your children, and yourself. x

Wow...this is not normal. At all. And not okay. But I think you know that

@Alcemeg

I mentioned this to my husband last night and his comment was "That's not a man, that's an excuse for a human being."

🙏 So glad to hear there are some great, real men out there, good answer!

I'm so angry for you OP I'm absolutely incandescent with rage.
If a partner of mine did this to me even once him and his work colleagues would be exposed to a rant they would never forget!!
What self important PRICK makes his family wait outside for an hour not just once but more than that.
I think this is the beginning of his attempt to control you absolutely. Its a way of telling all of you that you are not important at all, only his needs matter.

So what are you going to do about this OP?

Your responses are frustrating as they are so lax and passive to the abuse that you're being subjected to.

You need to put an end to this crap.

I am shocked at his behaviour but equally shocked that you don't seem to really think his deliberate acts are abusive and 'keeping you in your place'. He has obviously worked on your sense of right and wrong for a long time and you now don't seem to respond proportionality. What will he do next?

I'm actually gobsmacked that your friends and family don't think this is an issue.

You don't sound ready to accept that there's an issue here. Not sure what you were hoping to get out of posting here but the response has been absolutely unanimous.

You're husband is a real piece of work.

Reading this thread has made my stomach knot! This is absolutely disgraceful behaviour and shows his utter contempt for you and your DC. Please don't tell us that once you were let in you cooked his dinner! Lay it out straight to him now - the next time he leaves his key in the door and doesn't let you in within 5 minutes you WILL smash a window /door in order to gain entry to your home. He's a fucker!

Please be kinder to @Gathertherainbows

She's hardly going to up and leave her h today and it's not her fault she's passive, it's how she's been trained to be.

Please please keep on posting, it took me years to realise that i needed to leave my marriage and months of posting after that with support from mn (threads still ongoing now as the divorce took a nasty turn...).

By the way @Gathertherainbows my family also downplayed exh's behaviour or adapted to it.

I think my mum raises this now and has been very supportive since the separation.

Sorry the other thought I had was, what if the family or friends you told had said the same as what we are saying to you? Would that have changed your view?

For me it’s just something else to note down
and remember in terms of behaviour that
illustrates where we are in the pecking
order, should I so need it at a later date.

So you’re gathering evidence for an eventual divorce. Fair enough, sounds like you’re heading that way. My question is what message does his behaviour send to your kids about how men and women interact in relationships and who is most important. I certainly wouldn’t want my kids growing up thinking that this is okay. That alone would start the conversation for me, never mind the arrogance and rudeness of locking you out of your own home. He would have only done this once if he was my husband.

This is one of the saddest threads I’ve ever read on here and that’s saying something. Your poor children. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is a normal way to behave? Would you be happy if your daughters husband behaved in this way towards her?

Please listen to what people are saying. You need to get your ducks in a row , preferably without him finding out, and make steps to leave. Speak to WA and a solicitor, get evidence of all your household finances. This is abuse and it will get worse.

Those poor, poor children.

Your children will remember this. His active contempt and your passive inaction. It’s a very sad situation. It’s scary for children as they don’t know how to deal with an abusive parent or the non-abusive parent standing by and letting it happen. Sometimes they are angrier at the latter for not fighting for them and protecting them. Don’t be that parent who stands by and doesn’t protect their kids. If you are scared of confronting him then you need real life support. Seek advice from Women’s Aid, even solicitors if you have to. Take your book of things he is doing to remind you of what you have had to deal with.

This.

Op, that's awful and actually very sad. Do you have neighbours who can see you trying to gain access to your own home?

@Marmozet3

So what are you going to do about this OP?

Your responses are frustrating as they are so lax and passive to the abuse that you're being subjected to.

You need to put an end to this crap.

She can choose to take action, but she doesn't have to do it in the timescales or the manner that MN decrees, to satisfy a need for MN posters' resolution.

Irrespective of the collective wisdom on here, this person has to work through the reality and the practicalities of splitting up and becoming a single parent.

That takes time to process. It doesn't need the OP to launch into immediate action plan and commit to exact timescales. It could take years depending on their resources and MH. Fear may prevent them from saying anymore. We can only hope they take on board the advice given.

I’d take his key off him until he learns how to use it properly and not lock you out. Act like a child be treated like one tbh.

@diwrnachoflleyn

Those poor, poor children.

Your children will remember this. His active contempt and your passive inaction. It’s a very sad situation. It’s scary for children as they don’t know how to deal with an abusive parent or the non-abusive parent standing by and letting it happen. Sometimes they are angrier at the latter for not fighting for them and protecting them. Don’t be that parent who stands by and doesn’t protect their kids. If you are scared of confronting him then you need real life support. Seek advice from Women’s Aid, even solicitors if you have to. Take your book of things he is doing to remind you of what you have had to deal with.

This.

100% this.

This a million times over

Do something about this now or it will destroy the relationship you have with your dc.

You are doing your children a terrible disservice.

You say you’re not mad about him leaving the key in the door...maybe not after the first time but you know if it was on the other foot you’d lock the door and think ‘oh I’d better take the key out so everyone doesn’t get locked out AGAIN’
I don’t know whether he doesn’t see it as a big deal because you’ve not made it into a big deal for him so he thinks you don’t mind waiting??

Also family and friends tend not to say what they really feel about partners, especially if there’s no plan to leave said partner as it can make things awkward IMO