@Gathertherainbows
I am surprised by how angry other posters think I should be. I was annoyed but not that annoyed.
I know it’s not great but it was only half an hour the first couple of times and then an hour.
And when I’ve told people IRL no one has suggested it was abusive or anything other than an inconvenience. I felt it was symbolic of his attitude which is why I asked here, but I really didn’t expect people to think it was so shocking. I’ve told my parents and a couple of friends and no one has done anything more than roll their eyes.
For me it’s just something else to note down and remember in terms of behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order, should I so need it at a later date.
Look. The first time, it was an inconvenience and
maybe - but ONLY maybe - he was on such an important call he couldn’t get away, he didn’t realise you were there etc. But he should have been mortified when he realised. What good father makes their small child stand out in the cold?
When it happened again you should have been livid - you should. I don’t know why you’re not, I suppose it is the boiling frog, you are so used to this awful treatment it’s normal.
When it happened and you were locked out for AN HOUR with the children, with your DS hammering on the door, with your DD wailing because she didn’t want to wet herself, when he watched her go to the toilet in the garden and STILL DIDN’T LET YOU IN, when he just said “sorry” and that was it, no further discussion...
No.
It’s not normal. It’s not kind. It’s not respectful.
It’s humiliating (for you AND for your DC who were begging Daddy to open the door). It’s dismissive, arrogant and contemptuous.
And it’s happened multiple times.
What your parents and friends rolling their eyes tells me is that a) they don’t expect better of your husband - it’s not remotely out of character - b) that you weren’t upset when you told them because you think it’s within the bounds of normal and c) that maybe your parents in particular are something to do with why your standards for acceptable treatment in a relationship are so low. (Or perhaps d) they don’t think you’ll listen to criticism of him.)
When you say ‘if perhaps you’ll need it at a later date’ - don’t be that boiling frog. Your children are learning this is how relationships work - the husband can’t be criticised or expected to change and the wife and children must put up with whatever the husband decides. That’s damaging for your son and your daughter.
You’d get different responses if your husband had seemed remotely chastened and apologetic. And if you seemed more disturbed by this.
I know a key in the door can happen easily. I’ve done it to my DH and he’s done it to me. But regardless of what’s going on - one of us in the shower, or in the middle of work, or whatever, we drop what we’re doing to fix the situation for the other person. No one stands there for more than 2 minutes.
Key in the door - normal, if annoying.
Your husband’s behaviour - very very not normal.