Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

My ex used to do this to me when he was angry with me about something. I'd be stood outside and my key wouldn't turn because he'd left his key in the lock. Cold, raining, heavy shopping he did it over and over again. Even he didn't leave me more than a few minutes as he could hear me knocking.

If he does this again hammer on the door and window. Make sure he can't ignore you. Then for every time he does it to you, do the same for him.

It's appalling behaviour and yes, indicative of your unimportance in his life. My ex's behaviour was a part of his controlling behaviour.

@Gathertherainbows

He just said sorry, I was on an important call. Then he went upstairs again. He didn’t mention it again. Any of the times.

You said at some point he’s a manager. I’m a senior manager, one of my friends is a partner.I have and I’ve seen them on our work version of Zoom leave to momentarily go and let someone in.

My husband regularly locks me, ds, & ddog out of the house. We go for a walk and leave the door unlocked & a package or something will be delivered, he comes downstairs (he’s wfh) and accepts/signs for it, then locks the door by habit as the key is also left inside. It’s annoying yea, but I’ve done it to him several times too. However we always come let the other in as soon as we realise! I’d be pretty mad if we were left out for up to an hour, especially in cold/rainy weather. Maybe leave a note up for him right over the handle to remember to take the key out?

I would knock on the door so loudly and repeatedly and shout for him to open it that it would draw a crowd. Let all the neighbours see how he treats you. Utter twat.

@notanothersaveusername

My ex used to do this to me when he was angry with me about something. I'd be stood outside and my key wouldn't turn because he'd left his key in the lock. Cold, raining, heavy shopping he did it over and over again. Even he didn't leave me more than a few minutes as he could hear me knocking.

If he does this again hammer on the door and window. Make sure he can't ignore you. Then for every time he does it to you, do the same for him.

It's appalling behaviour and yes, indicative of your unimportance in his life. My ex's behaviour was a part of his controlling behaviour.

Because his office is upstairs use a brush and hold it by the bristles end and use the other end to tap (if it reaches). Honestly though I’d be locking him out or out of the loo at least to teach him.

He's cruel, nasty and controlling. You've become conditioned to this behaviour. Your friends and family simply rolling their eyes indicates they're used to him being a git and you defending him so they no longer comment. You cannot stay with him and let your children think this is acceptable, it will continue to escalate and you seem resigned to it. Stand up for your poor kids if not for yourself.

If this were me I would have hammered on the fucking door the entire time until he opened it.

What an utter bastard. Unless he's Batman he can break off work for 2 minutes to let you in. Telling you otherwise is a lie.

OP watch this video and see how people react to important work calls being interrupted by family life Healthy, kind humans just think it's a normal and rather endearing part of lockdown life.

And ask yourself this, how would he respond if you locked him out? If you are afraid to lock him out, even by accident, that should tell you a lot about the asymmetry in your relationship.

He's teaching your DC where they are in the pecking order too. That's very unhealthy and will lead them to accept unhealthy relationships as normal, that suppress, disadvantage and possibly abuse them, as a teen and adult.

It would be one thing if you'd accidentally locked yourself out of an empty house. Then it would be a story of 'Mummy being resourceful, dealing with a silly, difficult situation and making it ok'. In normal times you could have gone somewhere else indoors until DH got home, or you could have broken in or called a locksmith. An adventure.

'Daddy locking us out in the cold, he wouldn't let us in for an hour and I had to wee in the garden' is not an adventure. It's cruelty.

People who know you, know what your 'D'H is like. They're playing it down because they know you're stuck with him - until YOU decide to unstick yourself. That's what close friends and family do. They don't challenge the big things, the 'elephant in the room', for fear of alienating you and losing your confidence. They want to be there for you when the shit does eventually hit the fan and you need people to catch you and care for you.

This has always been my experience, that the people closest to me listen and sympathise with the small stuff but do not challenge my big, bad decisions. It's acquaintances with no skin in the game who do that, who ask the obvious but very awkward, difficult to answer, questions.

Also, get a Yale lock.

Try and focus on the posts where women have experienced abuse. Leaving a little wifey note by the door might work for non abusive men, but you can't train an abusive man to not be abusive. He enjoys it and he will not change. That is why ultimately you have to end the relationship and go low contact. Once you understand how abuse works you will find the strength. You're already questioning everything which is a really good start. Don't ever ignore your gut feeling when it tells you his behaviour is abusive. Start to think of him as the perpetrator of your abuse. Imagine him telling the very important people on his very important video call he is leaving his wife and children locked out to go to the toilet in the garden because everyone else is more important than them. He wouldn't dare because HE KNOWS he is abusing you all and he enjoys it. Don't tie yourself in knots in the whys and wherefores he's abusive, he just is and the next step is a plan

There's no way this was accidental. He knows what he's doing.

I feel sick now having read your latest responses, what are you and your poor kids going to have to live through? Please take this post as a wake up call to try to get some help, although I know it can take years.

The fact that at 2 least people in education here have said that if they heard a child telling them this, they would immediately report it to safe-guarding, as a minimum. Surely that tells you something?

I would suggest that the friends may be rolling their eyes with you, but quietly discussing it amongst themselves saying omg what should we do, as they don't want to make things worse for you? I know I've been there.

@Gathertherainbows

He’s on a screen though - it’s zoom or something. He’s not tethered to the desk but they know if he moves from where he is.

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

I do feel it’s a sign of contempt to just ignore us and seemingly not have any sense of urgency around letting us in. I also find it infuriating because I’ve no idea how long he will be. After we hit an hour I was on the verge of going out again.
I think there are other things that have happened that show where my place is, so to speak.

Op, how many more things need to happen before you take action? You admitted that it’s not the first time he has locked you out. But it’s the first time it has been at least an hour. I really don’t understand how you cannot ask him to justify his actions. Sorry isn’t enough. His daughter had to use the garden, is he really ok with that? He said he will be there in “a minute”, that wasn’t true was it? Leaving all out in the cold, would he be happy for his colleagues to know that it happened more than once?

So your 4 year old child had to go to the toilet in the back garden, he watched this, already knew she needed to go and he did nothing. This has happened several times and you don't think leaving the key in was intentional?

This hurts my heart for your children. Do something. If not for you for your children. You cannot change him, he's clearly a narcissistic arsehole. But you can change your reaction to his behaviour and decide enough is enough.

Honestly, my husband is no model husband and the sun certainly doesn't shine out of this arse. But he would NEVER do this, even if he was on the most important call in the world he would NEVER leave me and his children outside. It is also worth noting that no other person on the other end of his calls would begrudge him answering the door to his wife and kids locked out. No one.

In the nicest way possible- get a grip. This is so other end of normal and the fact that you don't see that points to serious issues in your relationship.

That is simply appalling behaviour.

You cannot accept that level of contempt.

@Gathertherainbows

I am surprised by how angry other posters think I should be. I was annoyed but not that annoyed. I know it’s not great but it was only half an hour the first couple of times and then an hour. And when I’ve told people IRL no one has suggested it was abusive or anything other than an inconvenience. I felt it was symbolic of his attitude which is why I asked here, but I really didn’t expect people to think it was so shocking. I’ve told my parents and a couple of friends and no one has done anything more than roll their eyes. For me it’s just something else to note down and remember in terms of behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order, should I so need it at a later date.

"behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order". OP any relationship where one person is lower down in the pecking order is an abusive relationship. It means one person believes they are more important than the other one and treats them accordingly. That is abusive. If you are uncomfortable with the word abuse maybe see it as really unhealthy and unfair instead, and that you deserve so much better.

Also two other questions I had - do you have a front door key? And how old is your other child?

What would happen if you did it to him, were just too busy with the kids to open the door?

@Gathertherainbows

He just said sorry, I was on an important call. Then he went upstairs again. He didn’t mention it again. Any of the times.

Your children will remember this. His active contempt and your passive inaction. It’s a very sad situation. It’s scary for children as they don’t know how to deal with an abusive parent or the non-abusive parent standing by and letting it happen. Sometimes they are angrier at the latter for not fighting for them and protecting them. Don’t be that parent who stands by and doesn’t protect their kids. If you are scared of confronting him then you need real life support. Seek advice from Women’s Aid, even solicitors if you have to. Take your book of things he is doing to remind you of what you have had to deal with.

Bloody heartbreaking to read this 😢 he has pure contempt for you and no regard for his children. You owe it to them to protect them for their future mental emotional wellbeing. Staying will cause untold damage to them.
Can't believe people saying things like 'take a back door key' or other practical tips. This is abuse pure and simple.

What am I reading???

He watched his daughter going for a wee in the garden because he wouldn't let you in??

If this is real - have my first LTB.

What the actual?????

I can't believe this.

I honestly think you must be used to being treated like shit to put up with this on 3 occasions. Unless he was doing brain surgery via zoom, he could bow out for 30 seconds.
He is full of contempt order a fuckin moron (maybe both).

Your children will remember this. His active contempt and your passive inaction. It’s a very sad situation. It’s scary for children as they don’t know how to deal with an abusive parent or the non-abusive parent standing by and letting it happen. Sometimes they are angrier at the latter for not fighting for them and protecting them. Don’t be that parent who stands by and doesn’t protect their kids. If you are scared of confronting him then you need real life support. Seek advice from Women’s Aid, even solicitors if you have to. Take your book of things he is doing to remind you of what you have had to deal with.

Of all the posts on this thread, this is the one you need to read and re-read, OP (if you ever come back).
Better still, print it out. Put it in your pocket. And whenever you dither or start to think his behaviour isn't that bad, take it out and read it.
Leave him. For your children's sake, leave him.