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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 00:10

what on earth have I just read 😳

diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 00:14

Lock him out for an hour next time he goes out. Leave keys in both doors.

He'll smash the window or call a locksmith and then soundly thrash the OP. But hopefully that will wake her up to the fact this man is abusing their children.

And again, she's not responded to questions regarding the rest of his King of the Castle behaviour. Because hopefully the penny is dropping that he's an abusive fuckwit.

Musthavesbackagain · 03/04/2021 00:30

I can kind of understand OP playing it down when it comes to her husband treating HER like some second class citizen. After all, women are the most socialised creatures on earth, are we not?
But your young daughter wailing? After a long day out of the house? Absolutely not. As a pp said, some pages back - that man would feel my wrath.
Everyone saying that this man values himself far higher than OP is absolutely spot on. Yes - his wants and his needs are placed far above and always always will be.
Been there, done that, got the decree absolute.
OP - I had a husband like this. It's been 18 months since I kicked his arrogant backside out, and I have not regretted divorcing him for one single second. Before he left, I had a nice lifestyle, I didn't even have to work. Now I graft, I don't earn a lot of money. And life is hard somedays - emotionally, physically and financially. My savings are dwindling with each passing month.
But the house is calm. My child feels peaceful and is far, far happier. It's tangible. You could not pay me all the money in the world to have that man back in our home. And I know that better days are ahead for me and my child in every way.
OP, I am telling you now, you need to leave somehow and find your way out. This man will not change.

Changechangychange · 03/04/2021 01:13

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in

Please read this back to yourself. He listened to his daughter crying that she needed the toilet. He saw your messages begging him to let her in. He watched her piss herself in the garden. And then he kept her out in the garden for another hour, until he was good and ready to let her in.

He is abusing your daughter, OP. Flat out abuse. If she reported this to the school, they’d call SS. You have to leave this man, for your daughter’s sake.

Zancah · 03/04/2021 01:24

I keep coming back to this thread and re-reading it in disbelief.
Are you suitably mad yet Op? Because you bloody should be.
I honestly wish I could come over there and give you a good natured shake. Please see what he's doing to you, all of you - your kids especially.
Please get help to leave him.

WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 01:33

Is he actually enjoying leaving you both outside begging to be allowed inside the home? he actually sounds twisted 🤔

harknesswitch · 03/04/2021 07:12

Next time he goes out, lock the door and don't answer it for an hour, see how the bellend likes it

Felyne · 03/04/2021 07:49

I work with reception-age kids and if one of them told me she had to pee in the garden because daddy wouldn't let her and mummy in the house for ages even though he could see her through the window then I would absolutely be reporting that to our Designated Safeguarding Lead.
I locked myself and the kids out of my house once and my husband DROVE HOME FROM HIS OFFICE to let us back in.

It's not normal and you and your DD deserve better.

Somethingkindaoooo · 03/04/2021 07:54

Actually, @Felyne makes a very good point

Livandme · 03/04/2021 07:57

I lock my door and leave the key in when others are out if I'm "up to something". Wrapping presents for them or similar and don't want them to walk in and spoil the surprise.
I can't think of another reason why I would leave the keys in so they couldn't get in.

Familylawsolicitor · 03/04/2021 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 03/04/2021 08:01

If he is in the house just bang the doors, windows and shout until he lets you in.

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 03/04/2021 08:03

@AnyFucker

I would get a brick and put it through that window next time. I am serious, btw.
That's a good idea
MsDogLady · 03/04/2021 08:07

It’s so frustrating when we are all tired and just want to get in the house and don’t know how long we will be waiting.

Dd was wailing.
Ds was banging on the back door and calling him repeatedly.

OP, I am enraged at the mistreatment of you and your children at the hands of your contemptuous H. The thought of DD being so uncomfortable and upset and of DS continuously banging and calling for his dad to come is heart wrenching.

I see this man as an arrogant, controlling narcissist who lacks empathy and whose needs/wants are front and center always. You and the children are his narcissistic supply. He doesn’t actually see you as separate individuals with your own feelings and boundaries, as you are meant to serve his ego needs. He gets a charge out of power plays, control and humiliation.

Your H is a nasty piece of work, OP. This kind of abuse will greatly diminish you and damage your children. They are living in an emotionally unsafe home. I hope you will soon find your anger and will take action to change this dire situation.

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 03/04/2021 08:11

I am surprised by how angry other posters think I should be. I was annoyed but not that annoyed.
I know it’s not great but it was only half an hour the first couple of times and then an hour.
And when I’ve told people IRL no one has suggested it was abusive or anything other than an inconvenience. I felt it was symbolic of his attitude which is why I asked here, but I really didn’t expect people to think it was so shocking. I’ve told my parents and a couple of friends and no one has done anything more than roll their eyes.
For me it’s just something else to note down and remember in terms of behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order, should I so need it at a later date.

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 03/04/2021 08:16

@Gathertherainbows

I am surprised by how angry other posters think I should be. I was annoyed but not that annoyed. I know it’s not great but it was only half an hour the first couple of times and then an hour. And when I’ve told people IRL no one has suggested it was abusive or anything other than an inconvenience. I felt it was symbolic of his attitude which is why I asked here, but I really didn’t expect people to think it was so shocking. I’ve told my parents and a couple of friends and no one has done anything more than roll their eyes. For me it’s just something else to note down and remember in terms of behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order, should I so need it at a later date.
You've lost sight of what's normal in a relationship. It's easier for people who don't know you to tell you how shocking something is. Your friends and family have to maintain a relationship with you and him so they are less likely to react this way. They may also think it's normal to be treated this way - but as you can see from this thread it really isn't.
Caneloalvarez · 03/04/2021 08:17

This is absolutely disgusting behaviour from a husband and father. I felt so upset reading this, I don't know why you're not devasted by it. Please don't let this be the example your daughter grows up with. She will think it's ok for women to be treated this way. He's a complete narcissist! Yes I would have put a fucking brick through the window too

Temp023 · 03/04/2021 08:25

OP, you do realise that you and your children only have one life to live?
Do you really want to live it like this?

He watched your daughter piss herself in the garden because he was too far up his own backside to walk to the front door to let you into the house!

Sakurami · 03/04/2021 08:25

I wouldn't have forgiven a first time but if I had, the second time I would have thrown a rock through the office window. Leave the abusive egomaniacal bastard.

Caneloalvarez · 03/04/2021 08:26

@Gathertherainbows obviously it's hard for us all to make a completely accurate judgement. We don't know you both personally. Can you provide more info? How did he react once he let you in after an hour. Was he apologising profusely? Promising that it would never happen again? Is he anxious about work and desperate to keep his job perhaps? Did he explain exactly what was so important on the call that he couldn't open the door? Or was he acting like it was no big deal, get over it.

To be honest no amount of apology would be enough for me on this. And it's also not a great sign that you're keeping notes on his attitude for future reference. I can only assume you absolutely know what a dick he is and don't want to admit it just yet.

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 03/04/2021 08:32

He just said sorry, I was on an important call. Then he went upstairs again. He didn’t mention it again. Any of the times.

OP posts:
gannett · 03/04/2021 08:36

For me it’s just something else to note down and remember in terms of behaviour that illustrates where we are in the pecking order, should I so need it at a later date.

OP you already know you're going to need it. You already know where he sees you in the pecking order.

You know the "later date" is coming. I'd be bringing it forward, sooner rather than later.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 03/04/2021 08:38

YANBU.

For context: My DH is wfh in a fairly demanding, responsible job. He has left meetings to let us in occasionally when I've forgotten my keys or take in deliveries, he also ducks out of meetings sometimes for 5 mins to see DS out of the door and wish him a good day at school or let the dog in the garden for a wee.

Working from home doesn't mean denying the presence of family - your husband is being a controlling dick.

candycane222 · 03/04/2021 08:38

He sounds very sexist and honestly, a bit stupid. He even says he's important. Who does that? It's actually laughable though obviously, not funny for anyone with the misfortune to be in his life.

I am also wondering if you r doorbell/ knocking could be heard by the people on the call? I guess not, but if I was on a call and I found out the person I was talking to had locked their young family outside for AN HOUR I would be incredibly unimpressed. Ive been in several meetings where people have had to go and sign for parcels etc. It is completely unremarkable.

It makes me think he is actually really insecure. I presume he gets nasty if you criticise him. Unless he has made you tiny in his mind that nothing you say can challenge his stupid fake self image. Neither is any way to live.

Nope, I can't not be angry about it. Mystified that your friends think an hour locked out of your own house is a shoulder-shrugging offence.

Grace58 · 03/04/2021 08:41

We’ve had that issue with the key being left in before. The only time DH didn’t come straight down and let me in was because he was in the middle of bedtime with our baby at a crucial moment when I came home from work. I sat in the car for 15 minutes while he sent me groveling apologies. I’m pretty confident he’d pause a work call to come and let us in. Potentially leave us for up to 5 mins if he was talking to the CEO or something, but I doubt it would be any more. It’s awful that you we let out for so long!