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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/04/2021 22:26

This is clearly completely unacceptable
Can you call women’s aid or stay with family? Please please tell me you’re divorcing him

Stoppissingonmyheather · 02/04/2021 22:28

This is disgusting behaviour and abusive and Controlling he is not more important than you and you need to tell him this. You also need to lock him out next time he goes out and ignore him cos you are on an important call and watch him out of the window as he wees in the garden ffs who does he think he is. Secondly you need a locksmith round to change the locks so this stupid situation does not happen again or better steal ltb. Are you quite sure he was on a work call and not up to no good either way he's a twat and you should leave him.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 02/04/2021 22:33

I skipped straight to the end so apologies if I'm repeating. But I would put a brick through the window if my husband did this more than once.

therocinante · 02/04/2021 22:41

That's horrendous. Once, maybe. Not realising how important it might be that you get in and if it was sunny and you had a garden you could sit in and it was a really, really important call.

More than once? He's either a sociopath or just doesn't care.

SixesAndEights · 02/04/2021 22:51
  1. Crowbar to smash a window will focus his attention.
  1. Fiver on the back door suddenly being locked from the inside if you start trying to come in that way.
Onthedunes · 02/04/2021 22:51

@Ritascornershop

I do not think anyone is being judgemental towards op, many are just in disbelief that her husband has done this.

Yes it sounds very much like abuse, but sometimes you can be abused and not realise it's actually abuse.
That is what posters are trying to acertain, for you to state that pp's are judgemental is patronising.

Op I hope you come back, you know what we think, whatever you wish to say we will support you. It must be scary to think so many people are questioning your tolerance to the situation, what started as a light hearted question on your behalf has shocked many people.
We are concerned.

His actions are that of a man who has no concience and a very cruel nature.
x

Arrowheart · 02/04/2021 22:55

For the sake of your daughter you need to stop putting up with this shit. If you read this thread about someone else you would be angry on their behalf. Finger on that bell until the selfish twat opens the door. I am raging with anger at this man's behaviour. What an A 1 cunt.

Arrowheart · 02/04/2021 22:57

Or, just take all the keys that belong to the back door in the house and then you can get back in. He can come and go using the other door.

OppsUpsSide · 02/04/2021 23:04

Sorry my comment was worded appallingly, what I meant was, are you on Beta Blockers or AD’s that have had the effect of making you disconnect a bit? You just seem so calm and accepting of really really shitty behaviour I was trying to understand why, the only time I have been like that was due to immense stress/trauma or prescribed medication that worked a bit ‘too well’.

MzHz · 02/04/2021 23:07

@AnyFucker

Next time he leaves the house lock him out. Then say you are too busy to let him in for an hour.
for a weekend

What an absolute tosser!

MzHz · 02/04/2021 23:12

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

Wow. His own dd.

He made her suffer

Please, if this isn’t where you draw the line, then what?

He’s utterly vile

MzHz · 02/04/2021 23:12

I would never ever forget or forgive him for this

Never

MrsDukeOfHastings · 02/04/2021 23:17

OP, in the nicest possible way, your replies are just literally saying the same thing in different words.

What do you actually say when he finally let's you in? What does he say? Does he acknowledge it or apologise? Either way this is unacceptable and I could not imagine standing outside my own home with my child for an hour or even half an hour because my husband wouldn't let me in!

And he knows you are both there, its shocking! To me it does sound like you may be a bit fearful of him or at least you are so worn down by his behaviour you have just become used to it and this is not OK.

Find your voice and stand up for yourself, dont allow yourself to be treated this way. I know its hard, I really do but you deserve to be treated with at least this basic level of respect and be able to enter your own home as and when you need x

Ritascornershop · 02/04/2021 23:18

@Onthedunes - I’m being patronising? 🙄 mmhmm. Ffs.

Geppili · 02/04/2021 23:19

No way on earth my DH would EVER behave like this to me or DC. I think it is covert abuse. Disgusting self aggrandising behaviour.

mswales · 02/04/2021 23:23

So horrendous, I'm so sorry OP and hope you can get some help. The line 'Maybe I just don't understand how important business is' along with some of the stuff in your other posts made me so sad for how inferior/stupid it sounds like he has made you feel. You are not. X

BunnyRuddington · 02/04/2021 23:29

I know someone who used being locked out of her house by her DH in the same was as grounds for divorce under unreasonable behaviour and it was granted.

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 23:36

@SixesAndEights

1. Crowbar to smash a window will focus his attention.
  1. Fiver on the back door suddenly being locked from the inside if you start trying to come in that way.
On no. 2, 100% agree. He's abusing your children, and they know it. They won't forget this.
Somethingkindaoooo · 02/04/2021 23:37

@Ritascornershop

I've been ground down and undervalued my whole life- from conception really.

I very often can't discern what level of respect I should expect for myself.

But I really know that I would not allow anyone to treat my children badly

RedSoloCup · 02/04/2021 23:42

If he's in the house why does he even need to lock the door?

Ritascornershop · 02/04/2021 23:50

But it’s not a matter of “allowing”. I tried to explain to my now exh how his behaviour affected the kids. He didn’t give a toss, often somehow badgered me so much I’d end up believing I’d “made” him do x,y,z. Eventually it was too much and I did divorce, but being in a coercive controlling relationship means that it is not always easy to believe your instinct, find your strength etc.

I just would not like the op to take away from this that she’s done something wrong here. The focus should be on calling women’s aid, telling a friend or family member, etc. Not people saying they don’t believe it happened or would have dealt with it via bricks through windows.

wizzler · 02/04/2021 23:55

Once is unfortunate and maybe ( probably not ) defendable but it is absolutely unacceptable for it to happen more frequently.
Op he doesn't seem to value you at all. I'm afraid I would do the same to him, and also start planning my exit strategy.

pallisers · 02/04/2021 23:57

This is such a sad thread. The idea of a father seeing his daughter have to pee in the garden because he refuses to let her into her own house. It is mind-boggling in its cruelty. And that the OP is so ground down that she thinks she might be overreacting. It is one of the worst things I have read because this abuser has managed to cloak his abuse in a way he can dodge - you hit a woman everyone knows you are a fucker. you can't let her into her own house because you are on an important call - well you can tell that story a different way, almost funny isn't it? that pandemic eh? He is a manipulative abuser who doesn't care for OP or his children.

This man is horrible. nasty, dangerous, cruel. His children have already learned lessons about how men should treat women and who is boss in their house. horrible. OP, I really hope you find some real life support to get you and your children into a better life.

Brownteddybear · 03/04/2021 00:08

@Gathertherainbows

He’s on a screen though - it’s zoom or something. He’s not tethered to the desk but they know if he moves from where he is.

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

I do feel it’s a sign of contempt to just ignore us and seemingly not have any sense of urgency around letting us in. I also find it infuriating because I’ve no idea how long he will be. After we hit an hour I was on the verge of going out again.
I think there are other things that have happened that show where my place is, so to speak.

I had to check the date of the OP as this is so awful if true.

Please believe us that there are NO work zoom calls that are so important that you are leaving your family locked out of their home for a minute let alone an hour or more. Your DH is not important. His colleagues/team/manager/company will not view him as SO fucking important that he is rendered incapable of opening a door to let his family in.

Does he work in a call centre in a very junior role and is he very inexperienced in business and oddly feels he has to stay tethered to his desk? whoever is on the zoom call would likely be horrified to know he was leaving you outside your home to wait until he came off the call. No one and no job trumps letting you into your home.

LouiseTrees · 03/04/2021 00:08

@Gathertherainbows

He’s on a screen though - it’s zoom or something. He’s not tethered to the desk but they know if he moves from where he is.

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

I do feel it’s a sign of contempt to just ignore us and seemingly not have any sense of urgency around letting us in. I also find it infuriating because I’ve no idea how long he will be. After we hit an hour I was on the verge of going out again.
I think there are other things that have happened that show where my place is, so to speak.

Lock him out for an hour next time he goes out. Leave keys in both doors.