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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 02/04/2021 20:23

If you can see in to where he’s working I would be banging on the window relentlessly until he let us in!

Horehound · 02/04/2021 20:23

@Gathertherainbows

He’s on a screen though - it’s zoom or something. He’s not tethered to the desk but they know if he moves from where he is.

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

I do feel it’s a sign of contempt to just ignore us and seemingly not have any sense of urgency around letting us in. I also find it infuriating because I’ve no idea how long he will be. After we hit an hour I was on the verge of going out again.
I think there are other things that have happened that show where my place is, so to speak.

Why were you messaging and not calling him repeatedly?

I don't know why you think being in a screen is so important? At my work we are all working from home and if someone needs to go do something they just type a message saying they will be right back. You know your husband is not so important he couldn't have just nipped away. Come on. Don't be stupid.

In fact, what exactly are you posting for? You're not looking for help, you're not really engaging or saying anything of sense or that you were angry or want to take action.

What do you want?you just gonna roll over and be treated this way?

HeartvsBrain · 02/04/2021 20:24

O P, we know he was on a very important screencall, so have a lot of the other mumsnetters been who are replying to you here, and yet they manage to leave their "screen" calls and answer the door to mere deliveries.
Making you wait more than 5 minutes would be atrocious, half an hour is unforgiveable, make it an hour and I am not sure that a Judge would find against you in a Court of law!
If you can't come back and tell us that you now understand how bad what he did was, then maybe just come back and say thank you to everyone for getting so angry on your behalf, but actually you think your husband is right to be treating you and the children in such a despicable way, so no, you will not be getting angry with him, you will be continuing to accept this behaviour, and that you realise that you actually enjoy it, because you must do mustn't you?
Your poor children, they don't seem to have an adult in the house to help them whilst growing up.
I hope my last sentence has made you really angry, if it has there might be hope for you yet - just redirect that anger to the right person please.

SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 20:34

I wonder if the OP is afraid to engage with us the same way she is afraid of her husband? If so, you have misunderstood us, we want to help you. We hate to say anyone treated this way, least of all fragile people and young children. Please speak and share you mind with us, people find it extremely helpful.

If you speak and any posters say any unkind things from here on, which is likely to be I’m the small minority, I and others will deal with them for you. We will also report them to moderators. Please rest assured. Feel at home, it’s a safe place.

Wanderlusto · 02/04/2021 20:34

What if he'd needed a pee? Do you think he would have held off on that for an hour? I very much doubt it!

triceratopsmama · 02/04/2021 20:59

@OppsUpsSide That's a bit unnecessary.

Bluegrass · 02/04/2021 20:59

I’d love to know what he thinks the consequences are of saying “sorry I just need to step away for a moment” and then disappearing for, what...30 seconds?

Either the meeting continues without him, or people pause for a moment, maybe take advantage to pop to the loo themselves. It’s just so utterly normal, it happens all the time in meetings I attend (as do kids wandering in, Amazon deliveries, or last week my curry arriving a bit early).

The idea that that utterly unremarkable moment of briefly pausing a meeting is somehow the worst option when compared to leaving your family locked outside the house with no idea when they can get back in is just ludicrous.

DorisLessingsCat · 02/04/2021 21:14

LTB. Honestly. This is abuse. You are so far down the rabbit hole you just can't see it.

namechangeaga1n · 02/04/2021 21:17

I've not rtft but have read op posts.
What did you say to each other when he let you in? It's obviously appalling behaviour to you and your DC. If he thinks this is acceptable behaviour, the future doesn't look great. The 'menial' comment too - yes, it's symbolic and shitty. Think about it for a second - after you and DC had been out all day, he refused to let you in the house! Please do not accept this behaviour and please show your DC that this is not acceptable behaviour. I would also get the locks changed to one where the key can't be left in the door so that this can't happen again. Sorry, but your partner is an utter cock.

Ritascornershop · 02/04/2021 21:17

A lot of comments here from the lucky who’ve never been ground down by a controlling partner. People who’ve been helped, loved, affirmed, acknowledged, supported emotionally. You lot need to develop some empathy. The op did not one day find herself married to an arsehole, he’s been undermining her sense of what’s okay and what’s not for years (most likely). Count yourselves very fortunate and stop being so judgey.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 02/04/2021 21:23

@Ritascornershop

A lot of comments here from the lucky who’ve never been ground down by a controlling partner. People who’ve been helped, loved, affirmed, acknowledged, supported emotionally. You lot need to develop some empathy. The op did not one day find herself married to an arsehole, he’s been undermining her sense of what’s okay and what’s not for years (most likely). Count yourselves very fortunate and stop being so judgey.
It isn't a lack of empathy or being judgy - it is many many people telling the OP it is not okay. She needs to hear that.
Regularsizedrudy · 02/04/2021 21:27

My husband has important work zoom calls. Sometimes he has to answer the door, sort the cat out etc etc it’s really no excuse. All he would have to say is “excuse me one second” he doesn’t even need to explain what’s happened. This man sounds like he hates you. Your poor children.

OnTheSafeSide · 02/04/2021 21:28

With the further 'menial tasks' etc updates it's clear that resolving the key on a hook/back door key issue is the least of your worries and not going to solve the bigger picture that he sounds like an absolute nasty controlling, self-absorbed fker, and you sound completely broken by him.

This has really upset me, thinking about your poor wee children, and probably you trying to pacify them and pretend it's ok, jollying them along in the back garden, completed humiliated I am sure. You must have been frightened and worried about his reaction once you did finally get in (even though his fault!) and probably spend your life having to act as though things are ok when you know deep down they really are not.

As someone said, it seems as though complete strangers on this forum carre more about you and your kids than your DH. Please get out now while you can. It sounds to me like you are terrified of him. I am so sorry. This has made me so sad for you and your kids xx

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2021 21:40

You should lock him out by 'accident' for an hour, let him be livid, so what.

EKGEMS · 02/04/2021 21:40

Hey @Ritascornershop I think you're short in the empathy scale yourself

Tt101 · 02/04/2021 21:47

I don't know why it so hard for you to believe that the man who can watch you and his child stand outside for over an hr, watch his daughter pee in the garden and more is not capable of locking you out on purpose. Hopefully you will see it one day, until then tell the asshole that if he does that to your child again he will have a very important divorce coming his way.

1WayOrAnother2 · 02/04/2021 21:49

This seems unbelievable. But if real:

If someone from work knocked on the door while he was on a call, would he leave them there an hour? Do other people matter more to him than you?

How did he behave when he finally let you in? Was he deeply apologetic? Did he make it up to you?

He is letting you wait outside because he has the power to do so.

Don't leave without his keys as well as your own.
Do the reading suggested. You are being abused and your children are too.

RosyPrimroseDoll · 02/04/2021 21:49

Are you trying to convince us or yourself that it was an accident? You've said it several times but haven't answered any wider questions. You sound like he has broken your spirit. This is a really disrespectful and nasty way to treat his children and his wife. You've asked for honest outside perspective and you've got a pretty much unanimous response, but he's done such a number on you I don't know if you are in a place to hear what is being said. Book mark this thread for later, start looking through fresh eyes at your relationship.

PassMeTheWotsits · 02/04/2021 21:50

@Gathertherainbows

I’ve read the replies - I’m not sure why I’m not angrier about it. I’m not angry that he left the key in, basically he’s just gone for a walk at lunch and then locked the door from the inside again. You have to do that, it doesn’t just push to. You have to lock it. It is easily done, to leave the key in. I’m angry about the fact that he wouldn’t leave his calls on any of the occasions it’s happened to let us in though. I do feel it is part and parcel of how he treats me - and by extension the dc. I will think on.
I have to lock the door behind me, and I have never once left the key in it meaning that other people can’t then come in the house
AnyFucker · 02/04/2021 21:51

Count yourselves very fortunate and stop being so judgey

The only person being judged here is the abusive husband. I will not be silenced in my condemnation of him and I will not be shamed for pointing out that op should not be tolerating this

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 02/04/2021 22:10

Perhaps it is hard to feel angry because his behaviour is so petty. It is hard to believe that anyone would really choose to do such a nasty spiteful little thing to anyone else. Especially since he likes to present himself as such a big important person. But he does choose it. And it is cruelty - petty little cruelty - against the people he should care for most.

BertramLacey · 02/04/2021 22:10

He's a wanker and leaving his key in the lock is deliberate. Once might be an accident but to do it repeatedly is not an accident. It's cruel and vindictive but he's also made absolutely sure he can say 'oh it was an accident and I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to the door'.

A normal, caring person would be mortified they'd left their wife and children outside and would remember the fucking key the next time.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 02/04/2021 22:13

This is a really weird power thing from him.

Also - he deliberately drove his reception aged daughter to either soil herself on the doorstep or relieve herself in the garden??? And he did this for kicks?? That's staggering. What is wrong with him?!

He is an utter %€¥{+%+

Reinventinganna · 02/04/2021 22:14

My Dh has accidentally locked me out a number of times especially when I’ve been on a night shift and he’s in bed when I get home. I just ring the bell repeatedly.

He’s a controlling arse.

Ritascornershop · 02/04/2021 22:24

I don’t want to derail, but people have been judgemental to the op. One person asked her if she was on drugs (to have waited an hour), others have said wtf, questioned of its even real, asked repeatedly how she’s put up with it, told her the kids don’t have someone being the adult in the house. Perhaps easy to say if you’ve never been subject to someone who is supposed to love you gaslighting you in a long term relationship.

Judge away on the husband, I’m right there with you: judge her and as a domestic abuse survivor I dissent.