Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

What the fuck have I just read? What an absolute cunt of a man. Once is an accident, multiple times and leaving your daughter so desperate she had to go to the toilet in the garden...absolutely not on!😡

I would have smashed every window in the house, climbed in and dragged him away from his fucking zoom call while telling his colleagues what an arsehole he is.

You’re being abused, get help to leave this piece of shit.

Holy smoke that's abominable behaviour. I'd have kicked the door in after an hour and been raging. His children were outside, and he left them there. Bloody hell I can feel my anger rising just imagining it ... no way in hell would I put up with that. Nope.

Oh, I can totally believe this happened - plenty of others have also described this type of behaviour from their abusive ex spouses and partners (that's what it is, OP, it's abusive). Right now the OP's still in the denial phase, hence wondering if she is overreacting. He's doing this to keep you and your small children on the back foot, not knowing when you'll be able to enter your own home, a little girl forced to use the garden as a toilet because of her abusive twat excuse for a father.

Almost 100% this is just the tip of the iceberg, especially from her veiled other posts.

Please Op find your anger. If not foe you, then for your kids.

I would be ringing the bell and banging on the door and windows so loudly until he came to open it!!! Don't be a doormat, it's your house too!!!

I’ve been married to a controlling abuser and on the rare occasion I’d have a go at getting angry, he could always outdo me. He would also then behave even more badly for weeks. So you’re taught it’s not worth it, you’re taught to dial down, always always, dial down.

As for throwing bricks through windows, surely you lot aren’t serious? I wouldn’t behave like a hooligan for being locked out of my house, I’d call a locksmith.

I do think it’s time to consider all the ways In Which he might have You ground down and see if it’s time to start securing finances to separate.

I think he’s either doing something else that he doesn’t want you knowing about like chatting to his mistress, watching porn etc or he’s abusive and showing you that he comes first and he will decide when you and the kids can come into your own home. Either way he’s an absolute twat.

You really need to find your anger. You are under reacting. An old boss of mine used to say 'you will get the treatment you accept'. If you're afraid of provoking his reaction on this or other aspects of his behaviour then there is something wrong at the heart of your marriage.

In the short term get your locks changed to a new type of lock so that it's not possible for him to do this. And if you stay with him do unearth this story of how lockdown affected him and dish it out at family and work gatherings with a tinkly laugh.

Literally no call for any job (apart from maybe a 999 handler) cannot be interrupted by quickly opening a door. If my husband or anyone EVER did that to me I would have smashed a window and told him to leave immediately. I’ve read a lot of stuff on here and that literally made my jaw drop.

That is disgusting treatment and speaks volumes about how he views you. He is a cunt of the highest order and clearly thinks he is more important than you and your child.

Oh my God.

Op you poor woman.
You are entirely right in questioning his behaviour.
THIS IS ABUSE.
Really you are right 100%.

What would you like to do, feel you should do, or need to do.
This is extremely cruel behaviour and totally intended.
Nothing could excuse this behaviour towards you and your children.
I'm gathering it was freezing cold?
I'm sure there is more you have not told.
Please learn about abuse and contact someone who can help you.

This is a very unkind man, I really hate him for you.
I wouldn't leave a dog outside that long.

You keep saying that leaving the key in the door is an accident, OP, but if any of us had made a mistake that inconvenienced our families that badly, we'd care enough for it to lay down some kind of memory. To misquote Oscar Wilde: once is an accident, twice is an eyebrow raiser and more than that is fucked up. The fact that he leaves you locked out takes it to a whole nother level.

He sounds like my DH first not thinking of taking the keys out and then not leaving a call. My DH is very single minded, he really can not focus on more than one thing at a time, I could very well imagine him not fully comprehending that we are locked outside if he’s focusing on a call or that he could pause that call for a moment to let us in. I’d let him away with it once but after that I wouldn’t care what call he was on I’d be ringing and banging the door until he answered.. I’d also be inundating him with calls and texts.

If he’s working from home why can’t one of the doors be kept unlocked all the time?

Appalling behaviour on his part. We have that kind of lock and it happens occasionally but obviously we aren't power crazed dick heads so not a massive issue. I think you need to change the locks or get a new door at the very least. His utter disregard and disrespect, however, makes me think you may be better off without him rather than changing the door.

OP, there is zero chance he isn't doing this on purpose. He's an abuser, he is escalating and he is willing to hurt the children in order to also hurt you.

The sad truth is, as AnyFucker said, this man does hate you. This sort of man will hate any woman he is with and may not even be capable of normal human love - other than of himself.

Where to from here? If you choose to leave - and that is the best option for any chance of happiness - you'll need to carefully and quietly plan your exit and execute it with great care. Do you have a family support system?

Sorry op, hadn’t read the entire thread. The fact he saw you, acknowledged you and knew your child needed the toilet is totally unacceptable. I would be livid and probably would have thrown a great big bloody stone at the window creaming open the fuck up or I’m putting a brick through the window.

Looking at your other posts I think he sounds like a condescending prick and needs to be pulled up on his behaviour.

If you can't be angry for his treatment of you op, at least be angry for the treatment of your child, who was denied access to a toilet and you admit was distressed. Whilst he sat in comfort and warmth! On what planet is that right or normal.

Agree with everyone else. He's doing it on purpose and enjoying the power he has over you.
Please think about the appalling message this is sending your children about relationships and how women are treated and start making plans to leave.

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

This makes me particularly sad. 🌹

It's a zoom meeting. Not a ball and chain.

Bring the back door key. Hope he will not let you out again

It's not an accident.

Several times? And keeping his family out in the garden? No way is that accidental.

It's FUCK YOU, NONE OF YOU MATTER.

Fucking hell. He's an abusive arsehole

Jesus Christ that’s disgusting.

To put it in context, I do important work calls. Like as part of multi million pound global deals with countries where timekeeping is important and latest an insult. And you can always excuse yourself. Unless he’s a surgeon remotely directing a life or death operation where every second counts, he’s a total pretentious and abusive bellend.