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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 18:37

@Gathertherainbows

I’ve read the replies - I’m not sure why I’m not angrier about it. I’m not angry that he left the key in, basically he’s just gone for a walk at lunch and then locked the door from the inside again. You have to do that, it doesn’t just push to. You have to lock it. It is easily done, to leave the key in. I’m angry about the fact that he wouldn’t leave his calls on any of the occasions it’s happened to let us in though. I do feel it is part and parcel of how he treats me - and by extension the dc. I will think on.
You keep saying this is accidental. But he has done this repeatedly. Which means a normal person would think, "I'd better not leave the key in or it will happen again". But he didn't, because he's not normal.

You are choosing to show your children that when abusive people do awful things, you don't get incandescently angry. Sometimes anger is the right response. Proper rage. Please show them how an assertive person deals with a horrible person.

comfyslippets · 02/04/2021 18:39

That is an absolutely disgusting way to treat somebody. He makes his own family stand on the doorstep for sometimes up to an hour??!!
Don't let him treat you like this. Tell him very assertively that it is rude and you won't be putting up with it anymore. Or possibly do it to him next time he goes out and see how he likes it. If he does it to you again then do it back to him again and on and on. Possibly childish, but let him see how humiliating it is.

Morred · 02/04/2021 18:44

Take his keys with you in the morning so he’s stuck in the house all day.

stalachtiteorstalagmite · 02/04/2021 18:45

Appalling behaviour. What a self-important twat.

Can you turn the wifi or power off from outside? For example, our fuse box is outside so I could - and would - cut all the power off if my DH pulled this stunt.

MangosteenSoda · 02/04/2021 18:48

Hi OP. Your recent post seemed to imply that you wouldn’t mind so much if you knew how long it would be. So if he had told you that he would open the door in an hour, you would have gone away for an hour.

This is still far from ok!

He knows you’re all outside. He needs to let you in. Being on a zoom call is no excuse. He knows it and you know it.

Btw, I have done the same thing with keys in the door a few times. I’m a single parent and usually leave my keys in the door when I’m in the house alone. I’m also a university lecturer and teach online atm. My parents come over to take care of my son/do the after school routine when I have to work. I’ve locked them & my son out 3 times with the key in door thing and each time I’ve quickly walked away from my live lesson to open the door.

Please open your eyes to his nastiness and start to instigate a better future Flowers

gannett · 02/04/2021 18:48

@saraclara

I think that all the posters telling OP to lock him out or throw bricks through the window are putting her at risk, frankly. I doubt she'd do it, but if she did, I worry about what this man would do to her, and what the DC might witness.

Maybe advice should be more carefully thought through, when those offering it aren't going to be the ones dealing with his reaction.

I agree. The problem is a far bigger one that can be solved with a bit of petty tit-for-tat revenge.
MangosteenSoda · 02/04/2021 18:52

And the irony is that no one on his ‘oh so important’ calls would give a shit if he opened a door.

They would be universally disgusted to hear that he leaves his wife and kids locked outside.

daysofthunder · 02/04/2021 18:53

@Gathertherainbows

He’s on a screen though - it’s zoom or something. He’s not tethered to the desk but they know if he moves from where he is.

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

I do feel it’s a sign of contempt to just ignore us and seemingly not have any sense of urgency around letting us in. I also find it infuriating because I’ve no idea how long he will be. After we hit an hour I was on the verge of going out again.
I think there are other things that have happened that show where my place is, so to speak.

Millions of people are on zoom work calls up and down the country every day. They manage not to abuse their partners. Your husband sounds like he has a jumped-up notion of his own importance and place in the world. It's pathetic.

You are being denied access to your own home. It's time to see a solicitor.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 18:54

I think the brick people are showing a microcosm of a larger thing. The kind of people who would lob a brick are also the kind of people whose relationship wouldn't have got to this point. DH knows that the level of my rage if he pulled something like this would be stratospheric and he wouldn't do it. OP's DH knows she won't.

Mummacake · 02/04/2021 18:56

OP, please do the Freedom programme. Once you see him for what he is, you can't unsee it. King of the castle is exactly what he is among others. I bet he does the bare minimum in the house, for you or for the children and you're running yourself ragged. He really needs a dose of his own medicine. As with others, I'm on video calls all day and I don't care who it's with, if my kids knock on the door, I'll excuse myself and let them in. Putting the key on the inside is sneaky, he's making absolutely sure you won't disturb him. He's an utter cunt.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 02/04/2021 18:57

My abuser used to do this to me.

I got help and I left.

A normal person who accidentally locks their family out will let them in as soon as they realise, apologise and never do it again.

A normal person does not watch as his daughter gets into such a state.

Don't make excuses for him.

Skatastic · 02/04/2021 19:00

I would have either put a brick through the window or called the police and said I was really worried because I couldn't get in.

What a contemptuous cunt. I cannot imagine my husband doing this.

Snog · 02/04/2021 19:06

Have you not felt able to discuss this if it has happened several times?

What does DH say about it, can he not see that it's a problem?

pointythings · 02/04/2021 19:09

I'm on Teams calls every day. It's normal to need to answer the door, it's part of life WFH. Where I work we commit to minimising the need to get away by leaving instructions for delivery people etc., but we all know things can go wrong.

He's the one leaving the key in the door, so he needs to man up and tell the people on his call that he's done this and so needs to let you in. Not letting you in is him telling you that you're lower than he is in the pecking order, and that isn't acceptable.

TigsytheTiger · 02/04/2021 19:12

Finger on the doorbell and leave it there until he unlocks the door!

Dancingsmile · 02/04/2021 19:12

He sounds very controlling or maybe narcissistic.

He sees himself as more important.
His needs come first.
Over plays how important his job is.
Puts you down and makes you sound stupid.
Dislikes you challenging him.
Brainwashing you into thinking this is normal
These are all key factors

RedGoldAndGreene · 02/04/2021 19:15

That's awful.
I feel bad enough if my kids forget their key and it's not even my fault.
He clearly thinks he's a single man

DeusEx · 02/04/2021 19:15

@TigsytheTiger

Finger on the doorbell and leave it there until he unlocks the door!
Exactly this. Or I’m with the brick through the window brigade.

What a twat. I’m so sorry he’s such a total dick, OP. I could never behave like this to someone I love - making a child wee in the garden! What a twat.

daysofthunder · 02/04/2021 19:16

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think the brick people are showing a microcosm of a larger thing. The kind of people who would lob a brick are also the kind of people whose relationship wouldn't have got to this point. DH knows that the level of my rage if he pulled something like this would be stratospheric and he wouldn't do it. OP's DH knows she won't.

You're right, but also why would anyone need to resort to a threat of rage in the first place? Even if it's an unspoken threat.

In a functioning relationship people don't avoid doing prickish things just because they know their partner will get the rage.

They don't act a prick because they love their partner. Therefore, the sort of madness the OP is having to live with never happens and never could happen.

Bottom line: OP your partner doesn't love or care for you and clearly doesn't care for his daughter either. He's willing to let his contempt for you affect what happens to her.

I'm genuinely gobsmacked and also slightly fascinated by his behaviour. What does he say when you confront him about this? If his only response is that his job is just that important then he really does think highly of himself doesn't he?

queenofthenorthwest · 02/04/2021 19:17

@TigsytheTiger

Finger on the doorbell and leave it there until he unlocks the door!
This. Everytime.
AnImposter · 02/04/2021 19:19

Absolutely fucking appalling.

ElspethFlashman · 02/04/2021 19:21

You say you were hanging on the door.

Do you not have a doorbell, OP??

sadpapercourtesan · 02/04/2021 19:22

Another one here who would have no hesitation in putting a window through. No fucking way would I meekly wait outside my own bloody house.

You need to find your anger, OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 19:23

You're right, but also why would anyone need to resort to a threat of rage in the first place? Even if it's an unspoken threat.

Well in a functional relationship you wouldn't. And DH wouldn't do this anyway because he's not an arsehole. But if you insist on marrying an arsehole you need strong boundaries and yes, rage.

MrsKeats · 02/04/2021 19:24

I can't believe what I read on here sometimes.
My dh is a saint compared to this bollocks.