Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 02/04/2021 17:44

@AnyFucker

Next time he leaves the house lock him out. Then say you are too busy to let him in for an hour.
Bingo. A dish best served cold. He's doing it on purpose.
CagneyNYPD · 02/04/2021 17:47

Your situation reminds me of a friend of mine. In that it is not the act itself, but what the act shows.

My friend has been married for 15 years or so. Her husband has always been v ambitious, the big cheese. Slowly, over a long period of time and two dc, she felt that he was treating her more and more like a housekeeper/PA. But she made every excuse for him under the sun.

And then it happened. The one incident that saw the penny drop. It was a really small thing. The post had been delivered and was strewn around behind the front door. My friend watched as her husband picked up all the post, sorted out his and then casually dropped her mail and the junk mail back on the floor. She knew in that instant that he just didn't give a fuck about her.

I'm telling you his story OP because it really is the small things that matter. They get overlooked. Until the penny finally drops.

My friend is still with him. Deeply unhappy but unwilling to give up the lifestyle. Not wanting to rock the boat. Don't be like my friend.

Wherearemymarbles · 02/04/2021 17:48

Are you taking large doses of valium?
I cant quite understand your lack of seething anger

DH properly has a screw loose. Does he have his own car? If so take the spare key and next time piss all over his car seat.

You really need to find your anger over his.

Twats like him rarely have important jobs except in their own heads.

harknesswitch · 02/04/2021 17:49

Even my boss will leave a meeting for 2 mins to open a door for a delivery or to see to his dc for 30 seconds. Your dh is an arsehole

gannett · 02/04/2021 17:51

@Gathertherainbows

Well just that generally he is king of the castle. It’s not as black and white as that but that is the message I feel some of the time and I felt this was a perfect illustration of it. Another time was when I was ill and he said he wouldn’t catch it because he was too important to be ill. Those are more explicit times. Also when he’s asked me the same thing about a billion times - to do with something like cooking a ready meal for himself if I’ve not been in - and when I’ve said you’ve done this before, why are you asking me again - he’s said he can only remember ‘important information and not the menial stuff.’ The implication being that I remember the menial stuff.
Sadly I think this impression of yours is spot on. He's let you know with his actions and sometimes his words that he thinks he's a high-value, important individual - and more so than you or the children.

Let that sink in. He thinks he's more important and higher value than you.

It might be quite deep-seated, a lot of men I've unfortunately crossed paths with have been instilled with these ideas from childhood. Doesn't matter. It's a sign that he'll only ever put you first if he feels that adds to his value.

That entire "king of the castle" attitude is poison.

GrettaGreen · 02/04/2021 17:52

Even if you can't be angry on your own behalf, you should be fuming on your daughters. Having to piss in the garden because Daddy is too important? Disgraceful.

MarieDelaere · 02/04/2021 18:02

@Gathertherainbows

I don’t take a back door key as a matter of course, or I didn’t. I think it’s unacceptable too really.
So you could take a back door key? Just trying to understand.

I've read all your posts.

baubled · 02/04/2021 18:03

@MarieDelaere that's missing the point 100% though isn't it

MarieDelaere · 02/04/2021 18:06

[quote baubled]@MarieDelaere that's missing the point 100% though isn't it[/quote]
Yes, I get your point 100% and he's a twat.

But after one time of this shite I'd want in my house with my children.

He's awful.

Kdubs1981 · 02/04/2021 18:07

He'll keep doing it because there are no negative consequences/inconvenience, as he just ignores you. This would make me combust

SparklingGin · 02/04/2021 18:09

I am shocked buy your comment I am prepared to be told I am over reacting, I cannot image anyone less passive than you. You poor child with him as a father and a mother who lets her child be treated this way.

SecondRow · 02/04/2021 18:10

I would like to know if the OP even told him that DD had to pee in the garden.

daysofthunder · 02/04/2021 18:11

@CagneyNYPD

Your situation reminds me of a friend of mine. In that it is not the act itself, but what the act shows.

My friend has been married for 15 years or so. Her husband has always been v ambitious, the big cheese. Slowly, over a long period of time and two dc, she felt that he was treating her more and more like a housekeeper/PA. But she made every excuse for him under the sun.

And then it happened. The one incident that saw the penny drop. It was a really small thing. The post had been delivered and was strewn around behind the front door. My friend watched as her husband picked up all the post, sorted out his and then casually dropped her mail and the junk mail back on the floor. She knew in that instant that he just didn't give a fuck about her.

I'm telling you his story OP because it really is the small things that matter. They get overlooked. Until the penny finally drops.

My friend is still with him. Deeply unhappy but unwilling to give up the lifestyle. Not wanting to rock the boat. Don't be like my friend.

Yes and this is more than just not caring. It's actually contemptuous. He had already picked up the post and so to drop the stuff that wasn't his on the floor again is more effort than handing it to her or putting it on a table for her since he's already holding it all. It's a clear message to say "I despise you, you are beneath me."

I think the OP's husband is displaying the same behaviour. To leave the key in the door and not think about it is not caring as his thoughts are only for himself. To know she's outside, hear her banging and calling, and still not let her in? That's contempt.

Like so many other posters I'm totally baffled as to why the OP isn't more angry about this. He's really done a number on her self esteem I think.

I hope she leaves him.

Roominmyhouse · 02/04/2021 18:13

@Bettina500

My ex used to do this to me. We had a Yale lock that locked behind you. He would remove the key from the keyring and I would only notice when I got home to find I couldn't get in with no key. He worked nights so was in bed in the day, he would hear me knocking and calling through the letterbox but refuse to come and let me in, even with a small DS and on one occasion the weekly food shop.

It was a form of control in an increasingly controlling and abusive relationship. I would open your eyes op, this is not normal.

OP please read this. He is controlling you and punishing you. No one in a healthy relationship treats someone like this and it’s probably going to get worse. You need to pay attention to this massive red flag. He is showing you who he really is. Believe him.
littlemissdirectional · 02/04/2021 18:19

This is just not normal behaviour and I think you are massively under reacting. Your DH is being totally unreasonable and controlling. It is absolutely not acceptable for him to leave you waiting outside for up-to an hour. I'm sorry, but no one is so important that whilst on a call, they can't say "sorry I'll be back in 20 seconds".

He has obviously decided it is easier to placate you than interrupt his very important call. I do believe you have a serous DH issue. Does he behave badly in other areas of your life together?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 18:20

@Gathertherainbows

I’ve read the replies - I’m not sure why I’m not angrier about it. I’m not angry that he left the key in, basically he’s just gone for a walk at lunch and then locked the door from the inside again. You have to do that, it doesn’t just push to. You have to lock it. It is easily done, to leave the key in. I’m angry about the fact that he wouldn’t leave his calls on any of the occasions it’s happened to let us in though. I do feel it is part and parcel of how he treats me - and by extension the dc. I will think on.
Then why haven't I or DP ever done it, if it's so easily done multiple times?

I know. Because we both know the other can't get in if the key is in the lock on the inside. Same way we make sure there isn't the other's set in the door on the inside when we leave the house alone. Because we can't get in if it's there.

triceratopsmama · 02/04/2021 18:20

@Gathertherainbows This made me feel really sad for you. He sounds awful.
And as pp have said I would absolutely lock him out for a couple of hours the next time he leaves the house. Bring the kids upstairs with you, hop in the bath or something and be too important and busy to let him in.
What a horrible man.

MiddlesexGirl · 02/04/2021 18:24

He's done it three times now. It's no accident.

saraclara · 02/04/2021 18:25

I think that all the posters telling OP to lock him out or throw bricks through the window are putting her at risk, frankly. I doubt she'd do it, but if she did, I worry about what this man would do to her, and what the DC might witness.

Maybe advice should be more carefully thought through, when those offering it aren't going to be the ones dealing with his reaction.

Zancah · 02/04/2021 18:26

I’m not sure why I’m not angrier about it

Because you're worn down and he's conditioned you to feel like you deserve it somehow. He's chipped away at you over time, I think if we could really get a conversation going here, more would come out and we'd find that this isn't unusual behaviour and he's a massively abusive shit.

You do not deserve any of this by the way, don't let him tell you that you do.

Dancingsmile · 02/04/2021 18:29

Surely he is either on a mobile or cordless phone. He therefore could stand up and walk to the door, open it and walk back to his desk whilst talking or do his legs stop working when his mouth is open ?

FancySomeChips · 02/04/2021 18:32

Smash the window or call a locksmith- he can pay.
Then get a solicitor.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 18:33

Cannot get over his child using the toilet in his garden because he cba

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 18:35

He’s on a screen though - it’s zoom or something. He’s not tethered to the desk but they know if he moves from where he is.

He does know dd went to the toilet in the garden because he could see it from his window 🙄. I was messaging him beforehand saying dd needs the toilet now. It’s urgent. Can you let us in.

I do feel it’s a sign of contempt to just ignore us and seemingly not have any sense of urgency around letting us in. I also find it infuriating because I’ve no idea how long he will be. After we hit an hour I was on the verge of going out again.
I think there are other things that have happened that show where my place is, so to speak.

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/04/2021 18:35

@Dancingsmile

Surely he is either on a mobile or cordless phone. He therefore could stand up and walk to the door, open it and walk back to his desk whilst talking or do his legs stop working when his mouth is open ?
I've been assuming Zoom or similar video calls. So basically meetings. But it's easy enough to turn off the camera for long enough to run downstairs, turn the key and run back up again.