Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

I would lean in the bell constantly til he opened the door, what a fucker tbh OP.

He's a cunt.
No decent man would ever do that.

“He's a cunt.
No decent man would ever do that.”

This. Given that you started this thread saying that you were ready to be told you were being unreasonable, it sounds like you’re used to being treated quite badly by him. This is a really shocking way for him to treat his family.

If that's the way the lock works, change the lock. Or wouldn't he let you have that level of autonomy?

Definitely take the time to think about these responses OP. Also think about starting a thread in the ‘relationships’ section to share more info about your home life. Lots of very kind, insightful support to be had on that board.

I’m also with those who see this as a controlling power play. He is creating a situation where you come home each day not knowing when you will be able to access your own home. Your children don’t know when/if they can play with their toys/watch a favourite show or when they are going to get fed! I bet your DD has become compulsive about using the loo at school before leaving because she doesn’t know if she can use the one at home.

It’s so deliberate and it’s so cruel.

My ex used to do this to me. We had a Yale lock that locked behind you. He would remove the key from the keyring and I would only notice when I got home to find I couldn't get in with no key. He worked nights so was in bed in the day, he would hear me knocking and calling through the letterbox but refuse to come and let me in, even with a small DS and on one occasion the weekly food shop.

It was a form of control in an increasingly controlling and abusive relationship. I would open your eyes op, this is not normal.

Hi OP, it happens here from time to time but the locker-outter never makes the other person wait & opens up with profuse apologies. I rarely leave the key in the lock now before running through who is due home & removing the key if necessary. Your H will know what he's doing without a doubt. An hour is such a long time to wait, you must have felt wretched ❤️

Is there anywhere else you could go? A trusted friend with whom you could spend the rest of the afternoon and evening? Even better if they have children of a similar age, so they could play, watch their favourite programmes, have their tea? Not going straight home would not be upsetting for them in these circumstances, and I suspect their desperation is part of the fun.
Then, when you eventually get home, take your time over preparing the evening meal, as you have already eaten.
The person at the other end of the oh-so-important business call will presumably finish the work conversation when they want their own meal.
If he protests at your neglect of wifely duties, you could reply that you could tell he was busy, and thought it best not to disturb him.

What a cunt! Seriously. Who treats their wife and small children like that. I’d text him that you were sick of him constantly leaving you standing outside in the cold and are going smash a bloody window if this door wasn’t opened in the next 30 seconds. And when I got inside I’d be removing all keys from his key rings and telling him to leave.

As a teenager my son lost his key and bolted the door meaning we couldn't get in. Then he fell asleep. We had the same sort of lock as you in an upstairs flat with only one entrance. We got the washing line prop and banged it on the window repeatedly till he woke up and let us in. So maybe keep a long piece of wood in the garden to disturb Mr Important's meeting with.
I've not read all 15 pages just your posts but this does sound like he's enjoying having power over you. We've been married nearly 40 years and have locked each other out occasionally but never deliberately and would never make the other one wait outside for any reason. And his kids too! He does not respect you and sees you as lower than him.
I would have excused the first time hammered on the window the second and smashed a window the third time.
Sorry op but I suspect this is indicative of deeper problems. BTW I read your first post out to my husband and he replied "She needs to leave him."

On a lighter note my husband once accidentally locked me in that flat with our ancient incontinent dog. For 14 hours. I used his underpants as nappies for her, fastening them on with clothes pegs. He didn't do it again.

Just repeating the key in lock scenario isn’t getting you anywhere

Find your anger, dignity and self respect and make it known to him. LOUD AND CLEAR

Personally, I would break the window to get in. And would do it each time he locks me out. Disgraceful. Don’t let him treat you and your child like this.

Wtaf have I just read? And a serious question, why are you still with this abusive twat?

You either need to do exactly the same to him and say I'm just on parent duty, can't break away and leave him there for at least half an hour to make the point or if he does it again continuously bang on the front door until he has to leave the call, no work call is that crucial!! What does he do?

I don't buy the "important" call excuse that he could have left you and your small dc for up to an hour without letting you in.

People are generally understanding about WFH situations and if a parcel delivery came, I bet he would have opened the door to collect it.

This is passive aggressive behaviour and you should definitely pull him up on it.

@Gathertherainbows

I’ve read the replies - I’m not sure why I’m not angrier about it. I’m not angry that he left the key in, basically he’s just gone for a walk at lunch and then locked the door from the inside again. You have to do that, it doesn’t just push to. You have to lock it. It is easily done, to leave the key in. I’m angry about the fact that he wouldn’t leave his calls on any of the occasions it’s happened to let us in though. I do feel it is part and parcel of how he treats me - and by extension the dc. I will think on.

I genuinely think this is borderline abusive. At best, it’s just really abnormal and uncaring. The age of your child is irrelevant. No normal person would do that for more than five minutes max.

This is really horrible and sad to read. That’s deeply unpleasant behaviour. He plainly has no regard for any of you. Think about your future, there’s no love here for you.

Is there anywhere else you could go?

^

maybe go find a nicer bloke??

OP - yes, it's easy to leave the key in accidentally, it is just as easy to say 'give me 2 seconds, I just need to let my wife in' when you DH is on a call. He is treating you appalling and I feel so sad for your DD having to go to the toilet in the garden. How humiliating for her.

Sadly, I'm guessing this behaviour is only the tip of the iceberg of how he treats you.

Please come back and talk - there are so many wise women on here that can help you with your next steps.

It's all very well people saying throw a brick through the window but I'm guessing that there would be repercussions for doing anything like that.

For you

I think focusing on whether he did this on purpose or not, is not helping the OP at all, as it deviates from the main problem.

@Gathertherainbows, as I said before, your reaction to all of this reminds me of myself too much. What would happen if you got clearly annoyed at his locking you out? In fact, you haven't actually told us if you said anything at all to him?

As a PP said, use this to recognise what is going on. Do not it for something else to happen

It's appalling, my husband never done this to us, sounds like he is quite insecure to excuse himself for 20 seconds from meetings or being disrespectful or both.

I would change the lock so it doesn't need locking from the inside.

Or and

Get him to get a wireless headset.

If he refuse to do any of above, there's something seriously wrong with your relationship.

I have name changed just to say this because I am totally disgusted on your behalf. Both my partner and myself work from home (at the moment) both in business earning multi 6 figure salaries each. I have had conference calls with my children arguing either side of me, climbing on my head etc etc my partner who is not their father has had them sitting on his knee or them walking in and out when he is on calls.
It is absolutely outrageous that he know you are there and doesn’t let you in- nor can I imagine any job where you couldn’t do this. It is a disgusting way to behave. If one of my team behaved like that I would think so much less of them

My husband wouldn’t do this because he knows I hate waiting and there wouldn’t be a front door or a few windows. I have been known to smash stuff when I get angry.

@Gathertherainbows

He’d likely been out at some point in the day, I do believe leaving the key in was an accident. It’s the not letting us in part that upset me.

That’s true the first time. After keeping you waiting outside for longer than a couple of minutes on several occasions it starts to look a lot less like an accident and more like him being an arsehole. Even if just a thoughtless arsehole rather than an abusive one.

Right, so the thing you are angry about is not the mistake of leaving the key in, fine, understood. But you are angry about him knowing you were there and leaving you outside.
Completely appropriate to be angry about this. And completely reasonable.

How did you express that anger to him?

The fact he didn't rush for the door when he did this for the second time would suggest a stronger reaction was necessary. Have you actually discussed this with him?