Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

Lock him out for an hour when it’s raining the pos.

He knew you were there?

And he's done this multiple times before?

You are seriously under reacting about this.

There aren't many posts on here that are so clear cut. But this is outrageous. There is NO excuse for this.

If my husband ever did such a thing I'd be leaving him. It would tell me everything I needed to know about him.

OP you need to take action, I'm not kidding you, your children will be psychologically harmed knowing their father is doing this to you as their mother, and to them.

He is showing you all his attitude towards you in a very real way.

It isn't symbolic, it's a real, clear message that you need to address ASAP. Even if it means leaving him. Don't delude yourself it isn't serious, please, it is.

If my 'd'h had left is in the garden for over 10mins let alone an hour, making a child per in the bush then I'd have packed him a bag as soon as I got in.

That is abusive behaviour.

He needs to go.

I'd have made such a fuss his work would have heard. How embarrassed would he have been that rather than excuse himself for 2 mins he did that.

OMG. What a twat. I'm shocked.

How is he with your friends and family, does he dislike them. Just wondering if he controls you in other ways.

He’s a bloody idiot if that’s the way he behaves is that the behaviours he instils in his team as a manager becaus that is just totally shitty.
I have to drop off calls for a few seconds because the doors rang or yeah I’ve done the same as your husband has done but to leave you out there for that length of time is preposterous
I would be absolutely livid I’ll be creating merry hell ringing the doorbell banging on the windows until he had to stop what an idiot

OP, can you share what was/is preventing you from having a reaction?

What is his response to this? Has he apologised or does he think you're making a fuss about nothing?
And what would happen if you had done the same thing to him?

And how much of a twisted sense of self-importance does he have to think his work stuff means he can behave this way?

Next time tie a rope around his bollocks and leave the other end hanging out the letter box.

Overreacting?! I am surprised at how calm you seem to be. I would have lifted the house for 10 minutes being left out waiting. 1 hour - cannot even imagine

@Gathertherainbows

Well just that generally he is king of the castle. It’s not as black and white as that but that is the message I feel some of the time and I felt this was a perfect illustration of it. Another time was when I was ill and he said he wouldn’t catch it because he was too important to be ill. Those are more explicit times. Also when he’s asked me the same thing about a billion times - to do with something like cooking a ready meal for himself if I’ve not been in - and when I’ve said you’ve done this before, why are you asking me again - he’s said he can only remember ‘important information and not the menial stuff.’ The implication being that I remember the menial stuff.

Wow. What an arrogant twat.

@Gathertherainbows He's really broken you, hasn't he? All of your replies sound so passive as if you're just a passenger in your own life. You've accepted that you're not worth any consideration. I feel really bad for your kids. I can only imagine the effect your dysfunctional marriage has on them. Poor kids.

OP, I wonder if your husband is the type I have come across a lot in my working life. They have a wife/children and all the humdrum of domestic life. And then they have their "work persona" which is somewhere in between Hugh Hefner and the Hugh Grant character in About A Boy. The only woman workplace wanker would get up to open the door for is a playboy bunny.

Workplace wanker's home life and work life never cross paths, so he can live a double life. Unfortunately, working from home means workplace wanker's humdrum home life might leech into his workplace via zoom calls. The sound of a small child using the toilet, his wife going about her business in the house, will damage his carefully cultivated persona. Therefore, he must keep you at a physical distance when on work calls in order to maintain the facade. So you must stay out in the cold.

Everyone with half a brain at work will know that workplace wanker is a saddo knob. Cool bloke at work, who happily and proudly acknowledges his wife and kids, and who isn't crippled by his own insecurities and narcissism, is so much more popular.

So, after you left he locked the door, during the day time, knowing you would be back. He's up to something.
You seem so passive and accepting of all this.
Insist he gets the locks changed to a different type or even just do it yourself at the earliest opportunity so this NEVER happens again. He can't be trusted to do basic things or think of anyone but himself.

Forgot to add, LTB.

So what are you going to do? @Gathertherainbows

@Gathertherainbows

He’s locked the door behind him. He would have put it back in to lock it. And then left it there.

So you're talking about the back door? Presumably you have the front door keys?

I'd have gotten my tire iron from my car and beaten my door down or pried through the lock . I would then replace the door and change both locks and tell my husband if he ever did it again the locks would be changed again and he'd be out

I don't often write on these kinds of threads but I just find it so shocking and appalling.

I would take one of two routes from here. Inform him the next morning and I will be taking his key from now on to stop him making a mistake that means he has to be disturbed (with a heavy note of ire in my tone). If he were to kick up a fuss about this, I would back down and if it were to happen again I would go to step 2 below.

Tell him that if it happens again and he doesn't let me in immediately he would have a choice between couple's counselling and divorce papers. I would read him the riot act about respecting eachother, and that I won't be married to someone who can't be respectful.

Disgraceful behaviour on his part. And I strongly suspect this is no accident by the way, probably a way to make sure he isn't disturbed by you or the kids until he is good and ready. If you do take the back door key I think you will very soon find out how accidental it was or wasn't.

Honestly, an hour of waiting? I would have called a locksmith

In fact if he does it again, so call a locksmith. Make a massive song and dance about it and definitely ruin his call

Honestly this behaviour is absolutely fucking outrageous. I would have lost my shit the first time I was left waiting for half an hour, let alone an hour. And to leave my child waiting an hour. Honestly it’s unforgivable. It really really is. Anyone this entitled is not going to change. I am honestly shocked

How many times has he done this OP?

Is there another door which you could use and you can take all the keys for this door and then use this door?

And it is deliberate and incredibly controlling behaviour. This man doesn’t care about you or your child

omg that is COMPLETELY unacceptable. I'd phone a locksmith to change the lock if that happened.