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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
Horehound · 02/04/2021 13:47

Only read first post and my eyes popped out my head when I read "an hour". Even 30 mins is taking the fucking piss. I'd leave.

problembottom · 02/04/2021 13:47

If it happens again I'd be banging on that door making sure I was disrupting his work call until he came to open it.

DP mistakenly locked me out last year and was on a really important Zoom. I was with baby DD and it was lockdown so we couldn't go elsewhere. He had to come and let us in, it was a bit embarrassing for him to have to pause for a minute but it was soon forgotten.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/04/2021 13:49

I don't know if this would actually be appropriate, never having needed their services but I would be tempted to 'self-report' to social services, to bring his abuse of your child to their attention.

If this sort of thing is not a one-off, and it clearly isn't, the school needs to be aware of the abusive situation at home too. Your child may well express upset about it at school and they need to be primed to recognise what that is about.

MayIDestroyYou · 02/04/2021 13:50

You keep saying the same thing,

Indeed.

It's always intriguing when an entire threadful of posters find themselves more outraged than the OP.

ShellieEllie · 02/04/2021 13:50

Next time he goes out make sure he can't get back in for at least an hour and see how much he likes it. He could easily have said he lost internet connection, he just chose not to. The fact this has happened several times recently speaks volumes - he's an arse and surely you don't want your children believing this is an acceptable way for someone to treat them! Far far worse is the fact he's their father. Who could do that to their own children?! You've got a much bigger problem here than you realise.

wheretonow123 · 02/04/2021 13:50

I agree with the responses here.

It is cut and dried. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Print this thread off and give it to him.

ittakes2 · 02/04/2021 13:51

I would be wondering what he is doing that he needs to lock you out of the house for an hour. Sorry that's apaulling behaviour and I would question my relationship with someone who treated me and their own children in this way. Actually the questioning would only take a few minutes I would plan to leave.

Horehound · 02/04/2021 13:51

Is he also leaving a key in the back door? I don't understand how if you've been locked out at least three times you wouldn't just start taking a back door key :/

Hopeisnotastrategy · 02/04/2021 13:54

Sweetheart, you've had page after page of people telling you how far from acceptable this is, and you're still making excuses for him. That's not right, is it?

Given the repeated nature of his behaviour there is absolutely no way this is not deliberate. It is vile, abusive, disrespectful behaviour.

I've just read your first post to my DH. We both looked at each other and then he said, " That would happen once, max!" Neither of us would ever dream of behaving like this towards the other, (and he has held some extremely high level roles).

Do you have some RL support? I really hope so, but if not please keep posting on here and you will get the support you need. x

ExitChasedByAnImposter · 02/04/2021 13:56

@Gathertherainbows

He’ll have been out at some point in the day. I can see how he’s accidentally left a key in, especially if busy. It’s the part where it’s his error but he won’t come and let us in.
Even in a one off situation, you would not leave people locked out for one hour. The fact that your child needed the loo and he still didn’t open the door speaks volumes to me. This is definitely symbolising huge problems and I don’t think you should let this go at all. You need to sit together and tell him what he needs to do improve the situation and ask for his explanation because it would be interesting what his justifications would be. It’s not that difficult to be in a meeting and say “bear with me just a moment...” followed by a quick excuse and come back. Crisis averted. But instead he chose not to step away not even for a minute but for a whole hour. This screams abuse in capital letters and I’m not saying it lightly. Something doesn’t feel right here, about how he feels towards you all.
Anonymous111 · 02/04/2021 13:56

This made me cry. I’m so sorry.

MintyMabel · 02/04/2021 13:57

I would have stood there with my finger on the bell until he came down.

But, easy solution is to replace the lock with a better one so this can’t happen.

KittyKattyKate · 02/04/2021 13:59

Right, here is what you do. Get a locksmith out and change the locks to ones that work with a keypad, not a key. Don’t give him this power over you.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 14:01

@Gathertherainbows

He’ll have been out at some point in the day. I can see how he’s accidentally left a key in, especially if busy. It’s the part where it’s his error but he won’t come and let us in.
If that were the case, he would have taken the key out of the lock to let himself out. He has chosen to put the key back in on his return and not remove it whilst it is literally in his hand (if it's the type of front door where it needs to be turned from the inside to prevent it being opened without a key).

It's not hard. He's deliberately doing it to lock you out.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 02/04/2021 14:02

Also, I have left a “really important” meeting before, a public one, to deal with an emergency. I just apologised and said I had to leave the screen for a minute. Or he could even lie and pretend his connection dropped out for the 30 seconds it would take him to run downstairs and open the door.

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 14:02

He’s locked the door behind him. He would have put it back in to lock it. And then left it there.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 02/04/2021 14:03

@AnyFucker

I would get a brick and put it through that window next time. I am serious, btw.
I so agree with you AF.

I rarely label stuff as abusive but this is definitely abusive behaviour, no ifs or buts - to deliberately leave one's family locked outside is disgraceful.

Leaving aside that it's bloody freezing out there in Mar/Apr, what must your children think that their own father would lock them outside!

FourDecades · 02/04/2021 14:03

My XH had little respect and opinion of me but he treated me like a Queen in comparison to this!!!

What are you going to do?

Horehound · 02/04/2021 14:04

@Gathertherainbows

He’d likely been out at some point in the day, I do believe leaving the key in was an accident. It’s the not letting us in part that upset me.
This doesn't make sense though because even when he came back he'd have had to actively lock it?? Why would he lock it if he knew you would becoming home. Also, what did you say to him when he finally let you in after an hour? Were you angry? Or were you a mouse?
1WayOrAnother2 · 02/04/2021 14:05

I can't believe that you waited an hour to be let in!

This is not reasonable behaviour from your 'D'H - even if YOU had locked yourself out he should have let you in within a few (less than 5) mins. Since it was his fault - he should have been running down to let you in - and apologising.

Why did you accept this?
Why not just break a window?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 02/04/2021 14:05

@Gathertherainbows

He’s locked the door behind him. He would have put it back in to lock it. And then left it there.
So what? He should still come and let you in.

This whole thread feels very odd to me. Is your DH abusive, OP?

daisychain01 · 02/04/2021 14:05

People dive off work calls to answer the door for Amazon, and nobody bats an eyelid, it's the way things are atm. I wonder what his boss and work colleagues think of him if they knew what he is doing to his family....

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 14:05

@Gathertherainbows

He’s locked the door behind him. He would have put it back in to lock it. And then left it there.
And made the deliberate decision to let go of it and walk away instead of putting it on a hook or in his pocket.
Horehound · 02/04/2021 14:06

So he has done it on purpose then...

dottiedaisee · 02/04/2021 14:06

All your responses are so passive...are you scared of him?