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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
moanieleminx · 02/04/2021 06:32

I wouldn't reply in her shoes. She might be getting her ducks in a row, and (if she didn't already know) she is in a position to do this now on her terms thanks to you.

Honestly, move on. Being the messenger sucks but you have done NOTHING wrong in this scenario.

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 06:34

You definitely did the right thing. There will be other women that he’s doing this with. She will now be able to watch out and get evidence if she needs to leave him.

Her happiness isn’t real if it’s based on a lie. And for all you know, he could have cheated on her multiple times before and she may know.

Cuntryhouse · 02/04/2021 06:36

Good on you, op. What happens in their lives bow isn't your concern. This is on him and I would want to know.

whiteshark · 02/04/2021 06:36

As a woman who was cheated on repeatedly. I would have appreciated someone telling me!

You have done her a massive favour in the long run !

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 06:38

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?
You were hurt and angry.

You ought not to have sent the photos etc, but it's too late now - but when push comes to shove, you acted in all innocence in this "relationship" - he is the one who betrayed her..

Let him deal with the fall-out.

But block them both and don't respond to anything now. What's done is done - he is going to be furious, she is going to be hurt, with may hit out at you - don't read anything, don't respond to anything. Put it behind you.

I feel for his wife and (maybe) children, but you can't take that impulsive action back.

ZombeaArthur · 02/04/2021 06:39

If you’ve been exchanging lots of messages, and if he’s done this before which is likely as he’s online dating, there’s a very good chance you’ve simply confirmed her suspicions.

Do you think you’re feeling guilty because you acted out of anger, rather than doing what you thought was best for his wife? When my ex was cheating on me I knew really, his behaviour changed, especially with his phone so someone he was seeing messaging me would have just confirmed what I already knew deep down, regardless of their motives.

I’m not surprised you’re angry with him, what he did was cruel to both his wife and to you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 06:39

Oh - and ultimately, you have done her a favour, though it may not seems so at the moment.
He'll do this again (and may have done this before).

interest12 · 02/04/2021 06:40

Please don't beatvyoirself up over this. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. If he's going to cheat on his wife, he's taking the risk that she will find out...no matter how or from who.
You've really done her a favour, and she can now make a decision that best for her

springiscoming12 · 02/04/2021 06:44

You’ve done the right thing OP, she has the right to know. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

bert3400 · 02/04/2021 06:52

I think you've done the right thing, men think they can get away with this shit ....but they can't and shouldn't. Please please please don't beat yourself up about this ...you have done nothing wrong

alreadytaken · 02/04/2021 06:53

If you didnt say I didnt know he was married but I am now blocking him everywhere then you were stupid and unkind. If you said that and also "thought you should know as I may not be the first or the last and you deserve better" you were not stupid.

giao · 02/04/2021 07:00

I'd want to know, and I wouldn't care why you told me, only that you had.

Joy69 · 02/04/2021 07:07

Don't feel bad, you may have done her a big favour. She may have had suspicions & you've confirmed them. You can bet he's got a history of messaging other women.
It's his problem & obviously now his poor wife's.
Lucky escape for you. Flowers

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 02/04/2021 07:08

I actually don't think that you have done the wrong thing at all op, she has a right to know the truth about her husband!

sweetheartyparty · 02/04/2021 07:12

This is completely on him. I too would rather know as long as you are sure you have told the right woman

SpiderinaWingMirror · 02/04/2021 07:13

You wont know the impact.
She might be devastated.
It might be the evidence she has been looking for.
What you did was honest. If you would never have been interested if you had known he was married and jacked him in the second you found out its reasonable.
Otherwise he is making you complicit in his grubby charade.
I would defo block both of them and come off social media for a bit. But put your head up this morning.

Mmn654123 · 02/04/2021 07:13

You were right.

He wasted months of your life when you could have been developing a relationship with someone else. He has robbed you of that time, the thieving git.

As soon as you knew he was married you ended it. Good for you.

And of course it’s right to tell his wife. He’s making a mockery of their marriage vows. What she chooses to do with the knowledge is up to her but if every woman stood up as soon as a cheating git revealed himself to be that and told his wife then maybe women would start getting some respect for these sorts of men.

SpeakingFranglais · 02/04/2021 07:15

Maybe next time he will think about it before he starts an on relationship.

Actions have consequences.

No scorn from me OP.

Kittykat93 · 02/04/2021 07:16

I dont think what you did was bad. Its him who acted 'appallingly' not you

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 02/04/2021 07:16

I’d want to know. I did know.

Men like this rely on the deceived OW to keep their secrets for them. Sunlight is the best disinfectant, you did the right thing.

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 02/04/2021 07:17

Oh no 🤦‍♀️ but it's done now. Regrets are pointless. She probably knows what her husband is like anyway. You haven't ruined her life, he has, I would block them both though.

Queenoftheashes · 02/04/2021 07:20

Maybe if more cheating men got dobbed in they wouldn’t be so fucking brazen

HeartsAndClubs · 02/04/2021 07:21

He was on OLD. You won’t be the first and you wouldn’t be the last. And he’s likely been doing this for years and lockdown is the only reason you hadn’t met. He’s almost certainly cheated physically before.

While I wouldn’t have told the wife I don’t see what’s wrong with having done so, and TBH I can only assume the people giving you a hard time have likely cheated on their husbands or cheated with married men. Why else would anyone give someone a hard time for calling the man out as a liar and a cheat.

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/04/2021 07:22

@cherry2727

I can't believe that posters are saying that you've done his wife a massive favour?! Do you honestly think his wife is going to leave him because of a few random messages from a stranger ??! Most likely she will now be anxious , stressed and very unhappy if she wasn't prior to this! You haven't even met him in person so why bother ?! I always look at the motive of the act and your motive was quite vindictive!
Wouldn’t you want to know if your husband was messaging some random on OLD? I would. He’s probably talking to loads of other women, the creep.
rawlikesushi · 02/04/2021 07:22

I really don't know what you've got to feel ashamed about.

You dumped him as soon as you found out he was married and told her so that she can make decisions about her own future.

Imagine being married to someone like that and not knowing, what a waste of your life that would be.

If she's devastated, he's the one who devastated her.

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