Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

[BeenSuchaStupidCow]

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

I’d be thanking you once I divorced the cheat so you’ve done nothing wrong here

You did the right thing IMO, no need to feel bad.

I think you acted completely honourably.

We don’t know his motive, he may have just been toying with you with the pandemic being a perfect cover for him to have a bit of fantasy fun and not be physically unfaithful or he may have fully intended to have a physical affair.

How your message affects his wife and relationship is their business and their personal reactions / journey. He’s made a fool out of two women and his wife deserves to know what he is doing so that she can decide what she wants out of her life.

Hope you are OK OP. No point ruminating on this now it will do you no good and won't change anything. Be kind to yourself, deep breaths and move on.

If you had him on Facebook already, (because you went on to block him) why didn’t you see he was married before?

Also first rule of OLD surely, you do a bit of digging and check if there’s any sign of being married

I mean you didn’t deal with it in the best way, but essentially he is the one who fucked up and should be feeling guilty.

She deserves to know and she knows. Maybe the delivery could have been more sensitive but it’s done now.

If I were you I’d get rest. Block her on everything too and then go on with your life. Do something to make yourself feel better this weekend.

I’d want to know.

I’ve been there - thinking we were happy and then discovering myself that he’d been messaging multiple women, through social media rather than OLD. Aside from the hurt and betrayal, there was also the humiliation. Yes it was all DP as ultimately he was the one in the relationship, but the women could clearly see he was in a relationship with someone and had just had a baby. I felt doubly crushed because people had known he was making a mockery of my life and didn’t think I was worth enough to tell. I have a hard time trusting people because of it OP and I wish someone had done what you’ve done, regardless of the motives. I can’t believe there are so many women on here that would willingly deprive another woman of information.

I'd be glad you messaged me if I was his wife.

I mean, realistically, would you have been the only one he's been speaking to behind his wife's back? And possibly even more than that?

Don't mean that nasty, but you've done her a favour.

For God's sake. The man has been on OLD! OP is not some random acquaintance, he is purposefully seeking out and meeting women! And OP most definitely hasn't been the last or only one. That's what he does, that's what this woman's marriage is like. He is such a scum that the wife should know. And it is perfectly fine to feel vindictive for hurt feelings when the OP was deliberately messed about for weeks.

OP you did nothing wrong. This is their shit to sort out not yours.

You don’t know these people, you have never met them, you have no business interfering in their lives. If a work colleague flirted with you in the office and suggested that you might go on a date in the future, and you later discovered that he was married, would you contact his wife to tell her? Because that’s analogous to what has happened here.

I wouldn’t call sending pictures of your genitals (I presume) to someone “flirting”, and I can’t get over the fact that anyone would rather not be told if their husband were starting online relationships and sending out dick pics.

If I was his wife I'd want to know.

OP, well done for your bravery.

You have perhaps saved her a decade of her life with a cheating Scroat. You have done nothing wrong on either count.

Block them both and don’t give either of them a further moment of your time.

You have done the right thing in my eyes, I would want to know and really don’t see why you would keep his secret for him? This happened to my friend before, she was the ‘other girl’ for months and when she found out, told his other girlfriend who was very grateful and broke up with him. If I were you, I’d unblock his wife and see if she replies. At least give yourself a chance to explain so doesn’t just think you’re some randomer.

Receiving faux-concerned “thought you should know” messages from a spurned wannabe girlfriend that her husband never actually met and only messaged for a couple of months is hardly going to result in a road to Damascus conversion where she sees the light and, by proxy, delivers a come uppance to cheating husbands everywhere. I think that some posters are personalising this situation, when we know next to nothing about this man or his wife.

If I got a message about my DH actively signing up to OLD, having a 9 month emotional affair and sending out photos of his cock, he’d be out on his arse. The fact that they haven’t met, only due to COVID, wouldn’t change that.

Some people have such a low bar - would you honestly not be furious if your husband did this? Why are you so eager to downplay it?

It was more than a couple of months flirting, it started at the beginning of August 2020 and we were making plans assuming we clicked in real life when we eventually met. And yes there were dick pics.

I found out when the fucking idiot sent a photo that included, by accident I presume, just enough of his work ID badge for me to notice his name was spelled slightly differently to the way he’d told me (eg Stephen/Steven). So I looked up on SM and found an entirely different FB page to the one he’d sent me a friend request from a while back after we’d been chatting for a bit, but with pictures of the same guy and it was obvious from that he was married. He’d always said he wasn’t very active on FB and it wasn’t FB messenger we used to chat on, turns out it was just his fake page he wasn’t very active on. He didn’t deny it when I asked him, although TBF I pretended when I first asked him that it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker because I wanted him to tell me the truth rather than get defensive. And then once he’d spilled his guts a bit and I’d heard from his own mouth he was married I dumped him

I felt (still feel) so stupid and humiliated because with hindsight there were red flags, like he used to message much less most weekends and some evenings, although always with exceptions (which I now know were when his wife was at work/out of the house) but the things he told me about his personal circumstances early on seemed to explain that and there was never any evidence of a woman in the background of any of the photos he sent, even the ones from his (their) bedroom if that makes sense.

I’m angry with myself because up until last night I thought I’d handled it quite calmly and with dignity, and then I just let myself down and gave into a spiteful impulse. What I sent her was mostly just factual (I wasn’t roaring drunk and incoherent last night, I’d just had enough to lose the inhibitions not to contact her I guess) backed up with a few pictures so there’s no way he could deny it was him.

I’ve blocked him everywhere, I haven’t quite been able to bring myself to block her just yet just in case she does come back wanting more answers. I should never have done it in the first place but now I have, it feels more cowardly to dump that on her and not give her a chance to follow up if she needs to, IYSWIM? My gut says she won’t, but then I don’t feel like I can trust my gut after this.

Op I’ve been the wife in a situation like this, and I think you did the right thing, I would want to know, my husband is a lying cheating scumbag.
It might only have been messages just now, but if we weren’t in lockdown it could have been physical. It might never have been physical, it might always have been just messages who knows, but either way he has cheated.

Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t ruin his marriage, he did.

I have to ask, what’s OLD?

Your understandably hurt.

He lied to you and I suspect you may not be the only person he's lied to. Not everyone would have told his wife, but a lot of people would have.

You didn't do anything wrong, it was him. Never apologise for having emotions.

OP which platform did you message each other on? Does he know you’ve contacted his wife?

OLD is online dating.

We messaged using Telegram.

Sorry, meant to add he’ll only know I’ve contacted her if she tells him, I haven’t been in contact with him and now he’s blocked.

You've probably done her a favour in the long run. Who wants a husband who is putting himself on dating sites.

If she hasn't read it is there anyway you can delete the message? Don't use fb so not sure.

Op - you did the right thing no
matter the motivation or how it was delivered. My ex husband of 20+ years cheated on me through OLD sites (where he claimed to be divorced!) and with one colleague that I know of. What messed with my head was the gaslighting and minimising, ie. it was just kissing, I was just looking out of curiosity, I just happened to have condoms in my pocket etc etc. so, as painful as it might be, it's far better to know the truth and know you aren't going mad. I think they get addicted to the ego boost of it all. Just pathetic. Once they start it is a slippery slope and they get better at lying and turning it around on you. Just my experience. I would have thanked you though.