Page 25 | Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 2021-04-01T22:23:37+00:00

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 17:40

Marshmallow, you were one of the posters giving i "is she still going"

Your line about whether I'm a betrayed spouse is just offensive.

OP knows herself she had bad motivations. That makes it a bad thing to do.

Whether or not it comes out OK is not the point here.

I am so utterly determined because I can't understand why OP is being applauded for disgusting behaviour.

@Sansaplans , I am not blaming the woman. The blame is with the man. But that doesn't excuse OP's actions. I'm making no excuses for anyone, least of all OP.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 17:42

Oh god sorry Marshmallow bit of a glitch there!!

The three million snoozing emojis just demonstrated your puerile attempt at sarcasm and dismissal even more obviously.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 17:43

@MarshmallowAra

Oh god sorry Marshmallow bit of a glitch there!!

The three million snoozing emojis just demonstrated your puerile attempt at sarcasm and dismissal even more obviously.

I meant one. Not three 😳

likeamillpond · 06/04/2021 17:46

Stafford Wives "how appalling"
Everyone else. "At least you've exposed the cheating bastard."

Are there seriously still women in this day and age, outside of the 1950s, who still think most women are happy to turn a blind eye to their husbands cheating? And would rather not know?
It's shocking

Kalk · 06/04/2021 17:50

Claims bullying but jumps straight to belittling someone else's comments standard!

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 17:53

Marshmallow, you were one of the posters giving i "is she still going

It is almost funny that you're still on here - about twenty pages after I gave up arguing with you (and I was not the first) that the key issue was not if op whether op's motivation was the highest and purest possible in disclosing this man's infidelity. Her motivation was completely understandable - and he brought it to entirely to he & his wife's door. And I bet it's not isolated.

It also means his wife is aware - which is a huge service to her, whether the primary motivation was helping her or not.

The question re if you are a betrayed spouse is not offensive ; it's an attempt to understand why you are so utterly fixated on arguing that the motivation behind disclosing infidelity is more important than the disclosure.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 17:54

@Kalk

Claims bullying but jumps straight to belittling someone else's comments

standard!

I haven't belittled anyone's actual comments about the issue at hand.

My emojis were at posters commented about 'is she still here' etc. Thanks for the input thougn

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 17:55

I haven't belittled anyones actual comments at the topic.

I did the emoji at posters who were oh so clever to comment saying "Is she still here!" etc etc.

Thanks for your valuable input though. Have you anything to say about the actual thread?

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 17:56

I am so utterly determined because I can't understand why OP is being applauded for disgusting behaviour.

It's not disgusting behaviour.

The only person whose behaviour has been disgusting is the man's.

And it's because so many women on here have been in his wife's position and are glad they found out.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 17:57

@MarshmallowAra

I am so utterly determined because I can't understand why OP is being applauded for disgusting behaviour.

It's not disgusting behaviour.

The only person whose behaviour has been disgusting is the man's.

And it's because so many women on here have been in his wife's position and are glad they found out.

Messaging the wife while pissed to punish the man is not cool.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:05

So it would be "cool" if she hadn't had anything to drink when she disclosed his infidelity?

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:10

I personally don't like anything like that coming from an anonymous source. I've said this before on threads.

But yesz I'd be more inclined to agree if it was done out of genuine care for the wife rather than feeling sorry for herself and wanting to punish him regardless of who got hurt.

cherrytreesa · 06/04/2021 18:13

People can shout me down and take the piss out of me all they want. I won't be bullied into agreeing that OP acted well here

Oh my god, what a shocking comment. Bullied? Where? Show me.

JackieTheFart · 06/04/2021 18:14

Well, you might have acted in haste as you were angry and upset, but tbh, if it were me, the wife I mean, I would want to know my husband had been having an emotional affair and sending dick pics.

I bet OP feels a million times worse about upsetting his wife than the man does. Because that's how it rolls - women are made to feel responsible for fucking everything.

@BeenSuchaStupidCow give yourself a break.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:22

I personally don't like anything like that coming from an anonymous source. I've said this before on threads.

What are you referring to, if you're not a BS. What is it you don't not like coming from an anonymous source?

It's entirely understandable why someone disclosing infidelity may want to do so anonymously; what matters is if the information/proof they provide sufficiently identifies the cheating spouse ... And it did. It doesn't actually matter who the CS cheated with it (or attempted to cheat with) .. and one can imagine there have been multiple women with this second FB account-having, long-term deceiver; what matters is the infidelity. No vague, improved allegations were made; clear examples and evidence was provided.

wanting to punish him regardless of who got hurt.

His wife would be hurt by the disclosure no matter what op's main motivation, and pretty much everyone agrees she had a right to know he was being unfaithful. So if she was to be told, she would be hurt.

The only way she wouldn't be hurt (by that incident of infidelity, at that time) would be if she was not told.

Op laid out her evidence clearly but did not say anything malicious, that I'm aware of, aimed at the cheater's wide. It wasn't going to be any "better" than that, while providing solid evidence.

You're being illogical.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:25

@MarshmallowAra

I personally don't like anything like that coming from an anonymous source. I've said this before on threads.

What are you referring to, if you're not a BS. What is it you don't not like coming from an anonymous source?

It's entirely understandable why someone disclosing infidelity may want to do so anonymously; what matters is if the information/proof they provide sufficiently identifies the cheating spouse ... And it did. It doesn't actually matter who the CS cheated with it (or attempted to cheat with) .. and one can imagine there have been multiple women with this second FB account-having, long-term deceiver; what matters is the infidelity. No vague, improved allegations were made; clear examples and evidence was provided.

wanting to punish him regardless of who got hurt.

His wife would be hurt by the disclosure no matter what op's main motivation, and pretty much everyone agrees she had a right to know he was being unfaithful. So if she was to be told, she would be hurt.

The only way she wouldn't be hurt (by that incident of infidelity, at that time) would be if she was not told.

Op laid out her evidence clearly but did not say anything malicious, that I'm aware of, aimed at the cheater's wide. It wasn't going to be any "better" than that, while providing solid evidence.

You're being illogical.

I don't like people finding out from an anonymous source.

Her intent and actions were malicious.

We aren't going to agree and that's fine

cherrytreesa · 06/04/2021 18:25

I am so utterly determined because I can't understand why OP is being applauded for disgusting behaviour

Once again...that is only YOUR opinion here. We don't agree with you. In MY opinion it is NOT disgusting behaviour. I can accept your opinion, I only wanted you to clarify the 'cruelty' but you threw a tantrum and started shouting about bullying. That is not the way to have a grown up discussion. I'm honestly baffled at the way you're going on.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:26

*wife

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:27

@cherrytreesa

I am so utterly determined because I can't understand why OP is being applauded for disgusting behaviour

Once again...that is only YOUR opinion here. We don't agree with you. In MY opinion it is NOT disgusting behaviour. I can accept your opinion, I only wanted you to clarify the 'cruelty' but you threw a tantrum and started shouting about bullying. That is not the way to have a grown up discussion. I'm honestly baffled at the way you're going on.

Can you stop with the caps and the full stop sentences.

You don't need to engage with me.

You've made your point.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:29

On a side note, is anyone else's MN really lagging and slow and awkward?

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:29

Her intent and actions were malicious.

Nope, she wanted justice.

There was no malice towards his wife, and any "malice" towards him was entirely reactionary & understandable.

MrsLighthouse · 06/04/2021 18:29

I’d like to know if my husband was a massive cheat. And if she knows but is putting up with it then more fool her ....in either case not your problem . Ignore people saying you’re in the wrong ...you have a right to speak up. Liars who face no consequences just carry on lying . Forget it and move on to someone better.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:31

I don't like people finding out from an anonymous source.

You've really expanded and explained your view there.

Thanks for that - in response to me clearly laying out why an anonymous disclosure - that provides clear evidence is both understandable and makes no difference.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:39

If op had sat back, not gotten upset & angry or had some drinks, but still made a decision to disclose this man's infidelity - with his wife's welfare as her main or sole motivation (maybe in a Vulcan universe or somewhere that might happen but let's just run with it) .... She still would had to have inform her and she still would had to have provided sufficient evidence; it would have made no real difference at all.

I'm not sure what kind of sweet madrigal you think exists a woman gently, with the purest of intentions, breaks it to a man's wife that he's been on dating sites, presenting himself as single, and had been communicating with her on that basis for months including sending photographs of his presumably erect penis to her, taken in their home ...... Like, seriously.

It doesn't fkg matter - she had to be told and evidence provided or not, you have been arguing a nearly irrelevancy for twenty pages or more.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:40

@MarshmallowAra

Her intent and actions were malicious.

Nope, she wanted justice.

There was no malice towards his wife, and any "malice" towards him was entirely reactionary & understandable.

Justice? and what would that be? His marriage broke up and him found out? is that justice?

She wanted to hurt him, because she was hurt. Understandable, absolutely, but let's not pretend this is a moral crusade. It was a kick back because she was upset, she's said that many times.